Penname: astridt244

One Shot contribution to Suicide Awareness.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Unworthy

September

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Edward spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on her face, watching as she absorbed what he was really telling her.

There was a pause as she repeated the words in her head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.

"You… don't… want me?" She tried the words, confused by how they sounded, placed in that order.

"No."

His lifeless eyes never left hers. The expression on his eternally teenaged face seared into her memory. She should be feeling something, sadness of some sort, but it was as if her emotions severed from logic. Instead of tears, a calm and reasonable demeanor seeped from her. "Well, that changes things."

Edward continued with his bland tone, expressing his regret for many things. Bella touched the place over her heart, inside of her chest tiny fragments chipped away with the sound of his voice.

He smiled at her; with that action she momentarily believed that he changed his mind. However, that was not the case.

"Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

Bella's lungs constricted as her body fought to breathe. Gone. The others left. All of them. "It will be as if I'd never existed."

"Goodbye, Bella," he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.

"Wait!" She choked out the word. He reached out and grabbed her wrists, pinned them to her sides, then pressed his lips very lightly on her forehead. She closed her eyes and breathed him in, willing him to stay.

"Take care of yourself."

The pressure on her wrists disappeared and a gust of cold air breezed through her hair. When she opened her eyes, he was gone.

"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real." – Cormac McCarthy

October

Charlie Swan picked up the phone and called his ex-wife. Their daughter needed them. Bella remained in her catatonic state, never making eye contact or acknowledging her father in the least. He was worried. He'd heard that teenage girls attach themselves quicker than boys, but this was something else. Now, more than ever, he cursed not listening to Billy Black. They warned him, Billy and Harry, that the Cullen's were no good. They begged him to put his foot down with his daughter. And instead of listening to his lifelong friends, he ignored them.

Bella's nightmares began the evening after Sam Uley found her in the forest. Every night it seemed they intensified. Her horrified screams could be heard outside. Charlie explained to his deputies as best he could that his daughter was going through some psychological problems. His cheeks reddened as he attempted to stamp down any worries they may have. "It's alright. Renee is coming back and we'll take care of Bells. If anyone else phones in about her night terrors tell 'em to give me a call."

...-...

Late at night - in a young girl's mind…

You're not good enough for me.

Time heals all wounds for your kind.

My kind… we're very easily distracted.

Bella shot out of bed, her own hands wrapped around her throat as she silently screamed. Sweat beaded on her brow and her heart thrummed erratically. Hot tears streaked down her cheeks.

So much hurt and embarrassment. Had she truly expected a supernatural being to want her? He barely touched her when they were together. Only the odd miniscule press of his lips; and then there was his family, constantly having to save her life.

Her knowing their true nature put them at risk with the laws of their kind. She was a bother. A thorn on their side, leaking puss, infected.

Self loathing slithered its way into her. She wasn't worthy of their affection.

Bella quietly made her way to the bathroom and inspected her reflection in the mirror. Vacant, brown eyes with purple bags under them, paper thin skin, and hundreds of tangles weighed down her matted hair. Her bottom lip trembled, she bit it, hard. The pain startled her… she felt.

She did it again… more feeling, more pain. It made her heart beat with fervor. She roughly bit the side of her lip, gasping at the drops of blood that formed. She touched it, rubbing it between her fingers, and breathed in the smell.

It should make her sick. She should feel ashamed that this is how she is handling their abandonment; but she just did not care anymore.

That was the first night Bella grabbed the blade from under the kitchen sink, and cut tiny lines on her shoulder. No one would ever think to look there…

"The difference between the truth and a lie is that both of them can hurt, but only one will take time to heal you afterward." – Mira Grant

November

Bella opened her eyes. For once, she did not catch herself in the middle of a shriek.

She stood, walked over to the window facing the forest, and sat on the chair. The place where her heart once beat regularly seemed unbalanced. With each passing day, more pieces chipped away. It was not metaphoric, the breaking was physical. Those lies told by parents about love and heartbreak should be banned. Not when the agony is so unbearable.

A word nagged at the back of her mind for a week now… something he said to her… it hit her like a lightning bolt – his words.

He smiled gently, as if soothing her in some way. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve…"

The sharp pulling sensation on her shoulder caused her to cringe. Soon, she would need to move back to the other one. This one ached more than it had the previous week.

Sieve? What did that mean? She was smart, she'd read many books, and never once had she encountered the word sieve. Curiosity got the best of her; she leaned over the chair to reach into her desk and pull out the dictionary.

1sieve /'siv/ noun / informal : to have a bad memory : to be unable to remember things

The small book slipped from her fingers after reading the definition. Bella's heart twisted torturously, a sob escaped her. That same breath turned into a cry of helpless rage. She furiously stood and picked up the chair, throwing it across the room. Her pictures shattered on impact, glass littered the carpet. Each shout increased in volume. She picked up her computer screen, the source of her obsessive emails to Alice, and flung it against the wall.

Footsteps thundered down the hall, headed to her room. Charlie and Renee stared, bewildered at the scene before them.

"Bella! What the hell are you doing?!"

She could not understand him. His voice sounded mumbled in her haze. She wanted something to hurt just as she was hurting. To feel her pain. For once, she didn't want to be empty. To only come alive when a blade tore into her flesh.

"He lied to me! He treated me like I was worth something when I knew I wasn't!"

Bella swept her trinkets off her dresser in one swift motion. Renee ran over to her daughter and tugged at her arms. "Isabella, stop! Please! Honey, we can help you, you can get pass this."

Bella freed herself from her mother's grip. "Don't call me that! He called me that! He lied! I'm nothing without him. He knew it. I knew it!"

Charlie maneuvered himself around Bella and wrapped his arms around her torso to pin her down. "Shhhh… Bells, I got you."

She kicked, hollered in misery, and allowed the tears to fall. Violent wails echoed through the room. Her body shook every time she attempted to breathe. "I can't… breathe… without him. I'm not… worth anything. He lied to me."

Charlie dropped to his knees, holding her tightly against him. "Bells, you are worth more than anything in the world. You're my little girl. I love you. Always have, always will."

He glanced up at Renee, she was on the phone. He sighed, equal parts in relief and sorrow. He held Bella, rocking them back and forth, pleading with her to calm down. She wouldn't though. She repeated the same sentences over and over again.

"He didn't want me. He's gone. They're gone. None of them wanted me."

Red and blue lights flashed through the window. The ambulance arrived with Doctor Gerandy. Bella needed help. Charlie saw it coming a mile away, yet he kept hoping she would come back to him and be the way she was before the Cullen's entered her life. It did not happen. And now, he was forced to sign the papers so she could receive proper care.

Charlie is not a man of many outbursts. In that moment, with his daughter in his arms, Charlie Swan broke down and crumbled under the weight of his decision.

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." – Seneca

December

Jennifer Miller flicked through the pages of her clipboard and gazed at the group circle. All of them were young women between the ages of 16 and 19 with a suicidal background. The shared similarity with this group of girls is they are all heartbroken and were willing to give up their life when they first came to her.

Weeks later, some have left to continue outpatient counseling, and a few others have stayed. Her focus zeroed in on the one young lady she wanted to open up to her. Something about this girl made her want to gather her in her arms and vow that it would all get better.

"Bella. Would you like to share with the group?"

The young girl nibbled on her nails and shook her head 'no'.

Jennifer would not be deterred. "It has been weeks, Bella. You've barely spoken to anyone, unless if it's to tell them your name..." – she tried to reign in her tone and remain neutral – "Very well… Samantha, would you like to share with the group? It can be anything you want to talk about. There are no judgments in group sessions."

The blond girl's blue eyes widened in fear – Bella recognized that fear. The overabundance of nerves at being the center of attention. They did that to her too. Forced her into doing things she didn't want to do. She felt pity for the younger girl, and something akin to protectiveness swelled within. The girl, Samantha, wasn't ready… unlike she.

The sound of her voice surprised Jennifer. It was a bit rough, from effort after not speaking for so long.

"My boyfriend left me… well, ex-boyfriend, I guess. I know, that probably sounds pathetic, but it was more than a break up. I relied on and loved his family. His sister was my best friend." – she laughed, the noise hollow and unfeeling – "She told me we would be best friends. She told me I was important. They all did… no, that's a lie. Two of them didn't, but they never hid their disdain for me. I could respect them for their honesty. Their mother took me under her wing. Their father talked to me about books and other topics I enjoyed… I thought I belonged with them. In that world."

Jennifer watched her carefully, jotting down notes.

"I have a dad and a mom. They love me too, I think – I mean… I know. And a childhood friend of mine came to see me. Jacob. He seems like he cares, maybe."

The silence in the room threatened to swallow Bella whole. As soon as she second guessed her decision to share, Miss Miller cleared her throat.

"Bella, if I may, why did you speak so… vividly about your ex-boyfriend's family, yet when it came to your own parents and a different friend, you didn't have much to say?"

Bella never thought about that. The Cullen's were –are– like a fantasy with their perfection. A dream come true. She held them in higher regard than her own human family… but she was human too. She never gave a second thought to how she revered the Cullen's.

"I… I don't know."

"Sweetheart, this is a safe place. You can talk about anything. If I may, without wanting to upset you, can I tell you what I see? To try and help you understand some things you might be missing."

She wearily nodded and her breathing labored when Miss Miller put her pen on the table beside her.

"His family is what you consider unattainable. Infallible. From what I noticed, your father, Chief Swan, loves you very much. He comes in every single day, even if it's only for five minutes, and he sits with you. He may not smother you, but the love and affection from him shines in his eyes every time he looks at you. Your mother signs in, every day, goes to your room, makes your bed, and brushes your hair. After she is finished, she kisses your cheek and leaves. Your friend, Jacob, hitches a ride to spend time with you every other day. You never speak to them… may I continue?"

Bella nodded, listening to these observations she had not noticed before.

"You and your family may not be perfect, or infallible, as you expect them to be-"

She interrupted Miss Miller. "That's not – I mean I don't expect them to be perfect. I know they aren't."

"Then why do you speak of them as though they mean less?"

"That's not what I meant."

"You hold the Cullen's in higher regard than your biological family and people who refuse to abandon you."

"That's not true!" Bella's face reddened in anger. "You don't know my family! You don't know me!"

"I know you are hanging on to a group of people that did not give you a second thought. I know you have certain scars that we will not discuss at this time. I see your father leave your room in tears because he believes he's failed you. That your mother stands outside you room for a few minutes, composing herself, before going in to see you. Your friend brings you flowers every time he visits, always keeping fresh ones in your room-"

Bella jerked up out of her seat and knocked the chair back, absolute fury radiated from her. "Don't you think I want to get better?! That I want to stop hurting myself and existing in this personal hell!"

Jennifer remained calm and collected.

The other girls were escorted out of the room by the nurses. The head nurse, Valerie, grew attached to Bella in her time there. She knew Jennifer wanted her to try, to bring forth a reaction from the young girl. When she heard the commotion, and realized it was Bella, she called for other nurses to help take the other girls to the common room.

Jennifer's stoic front softened, "If you want help, then ask for it. I can't help you if you clam up – and your first step to healing is to let them go. All of them. You may not realize it, but you are slowly killing yourself. Suicide is a physical and emotional act, and while you aren't cutting yourself anymore by hanging on to these people, sweetheart you are dying inside."

She tried to fight the hurt, to push it back like she used to. "It's too much. I don't know if I can do this."

"Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us." – David Richo

January

Jacob paid the cab driver and tightened the ribbon around the wildflowers. Today started like any other Thursday and he usually saved his visits for every other day of the week. For some reason, he wanted to break his routine and visit Bella again. She never talked, nor did she give any indication that she could hear him, and yet he still came. Every chance he could, no matter what anyone said about him and "the Chief's catatonic daughter".

He hated the nickname Forks residents gave to Bella.

When he signed-in at the front desk, he couldn't help but question why it felt imperative for him to see her today…

"Good Morning, Bells."

No answer.

Jacob pushed back her curtains and replaced her flowers. "It's pretty outside. You're probably wondering why I'm here on my 'day off'." He chuckled and pulled up the visitor fold-out chair next to her.

"Well, I'm not really sure why. I kinda had to see you… yeah, that sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

Bella listened as Jacob spoke, his voice deep and soothing, washed over her. He stood and paced in front of her, talking animatedly about something.

Her therapy sessions continued after the first time she shared in group. She had double counseling, group and in private with Miss Miller. She realized she was taking baby steps in the right direction, healing herself by letting out her fears; the inadequacy, self-esteem and dependency issues. Bella didn't want Charlie to know how therapy was progressing just yet. She wanted to surprise him and Renee soon. Miss Miller didn't understand, but she conceded to Bella's wishes.

Jacob returned to his seat, leaned back on the chair, and carefully touched her forearm. "I wish you would talk back, Bells. I miss you… I know we didn't have time to hang out and renew our friendship before you – well, before things happened. But, that doesn't mean that I don't miss your voice and your dry sense of humor. Your laugh is one of my favorite things about you. You're crappy at telling jokes, but it's worth it to see you smile before the punch line."

Bella's lips twitched. She didn't plan what happened next. Life just has a way of sneaking up on you, doesn't it?

She turned her head and gazed at Jacob. His eyes widened and then misted over. His voice thickened with emotion. "Bella?"

She smiled at him, her first true smile in so long the act felt foreign. "I missed you too, Jake."

He snatched her out of her chair and hugged her so tight her chest hurt. "Jake… can't… breathe…"

Jacob laughed and loosened his grip. A few tears slid down his cheeks, he quickly wiped them away. Bella wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him back with as much strength as she could muster. They sat there for hours, simply hugging and sharing a laugh once in a while.

She knew she had a lot more work to do, on herself and on making it up to her family; and in Jacob's embrace, she realized epiphanies come in all forms. And on that day, they came in the form of Jacob… her bright, shining sun.

"They say heartache makes you stronger. That through suffering, a backbone is born. The truth is there are only so many times a person can be broken, torn down, before they can never be fixed again. It's up to you, as an individual, to fight for yourself." – Astridt244

Crediting Stephenie Meyer, New Moon, Chapter 3 – the beginning of this one shot, September, and quotes from Edward Cullen also used.

Definition of 'sieve' found here: h tt p semicolon double slash www dot learnersdictionary dot com slash search slash sieve [ 1 ]