A/N: Written for the Christmas Sassy Exchange 2012 and edited for here.
This Christmas is weird. Ok, a lot of Sam's Christmases have been weird, but this time it includes a depressed fallen angel who's become sort of human and that's definitely new.
Sam isn't blind or stupid. He can see how Cas' smiles are just a little too wide, his efforts to "help" on hunts a little too eager, and his breathing at night not quite deep enough for him to be really asleep. And if he's honest with himself, it bugs Sam far more than he feels like it should. Part of him worries that it's the "burden" that Cas lifted from him; and as much as it was Cas' fault that he'd had it in the first place…well, Cas wasn't the only one who'd made mistakes in the name of doing the right thing. It's somehow hard to blame him with that in mind. Actually, it makes Sam feel strangely closer to Cas, which makes being so unable to help him that much worse.
Dean notices, too. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he avoids the subject. He's as lost as Sam is on this one and seems to have decided that making Cas talk about it when he clearly doesn't want to is the wrong route. Sam's pretty sure that no one gives Dean's instincts quite as much credit as they deserve. They shoot each other concerned looks every once in a while, feeling stupid and helpless because how do two people as screwed up as they are help an angel deal with his issues?
"Who knows, maybe some semi-normal Christmas cheer is just the thing," Dean suggests as he grabs a bag of Funions. Sam glances out the window of the convenience store and sure enough Cas is sitting patiently and completely still in the backseat of the Impala.
"Dean, he's an angel. Don't you think Christmas might bring up some painful memories for him?"
Dean shrugs and says, "Hell, man, I don't even know anymore. I'm no psychologist." Sam sighs but doesn't answer. He gives the cashier a tight polite smile as they dump their items onto the counter and Dean pays with a credit card under the name of Mick Jones.
They're quiet when they get back on the road. Cas doesn't seem to notice. After about a hundred miles, Sam finally risks to ask, "Hey Cas, how do you feel about Christmas?"
Cas looks thoughtful for a moment before replying, "It has become a strange holiday with strange traditions - but the celebrations appear enjoyable."
Yeah, but enjoyable to you, or to the people you've watched enjoying them? Sam thinks. Even with that lack of distinction, Dean takes Cas' response and runs with it. He books a nicer hotel room, buys Christmas decorations, and sets up a dinner of hot turkey sandwiches covered in gravy and three kinds of pie for dessert. Sam has to admit that it's kind of nice.
"Dammit! I cannot believe this - I forgot the beer in the car," Dean groans. He shrugs on his coat before either Sam or Cas can say anything in response and says, "Be right back," slamming the door behind him. Sam rolls his eyes, but he's smiling.
"Sam?" Cas tilts his head in confusion, staring at one of Dean's decorations; it happens to be hanging directly over Sam's head. He looks up at it and feels his face grow hot.
"Um, yeah…mistletoe…"
Cas moves toward him and suddenly Sam's heart is pounding much harder than it should be and Cas is very, very close.
"May I kiss you, Sam?" Cas' voice is so gentle forming the question, as though it might break Sam. He's not entirely sure it didn't.
"I-I mean…you don't have to…" Christ, he sounds like a teenage girl. But Cas is seeing straight into his soul with those wide blue eyes and reaching to cup his cheek. His hand is warmer and softer than Sam expected and he finds himself craving the touch.
"I would like to kiss you, Sam," Cas tells him firmly.
"Ok," Sam whispers. His whole body is trembling, which is ridiculous because he's been to Hell and back and more and here is Sam Winchester, afraid of being kissed by an angel under the mistletoe. Cas sees and understands, Sam can tell by the way his eyes crinkle. He takes Sam's hand as he leans up to press a gentle kiss to Sam's lips.
The kiss is like everything Cas has been hiding away in the past months: fear, despair, homesickness, loneliness, and this terrible, desperate longing. It makes Sam's heart ache that he didn't notice it before. It's bitter and sweet and sad. When they finally pull apart, Sam's cheeks are shining with tears.
"Why me?" he croaks.
"Because we are the same," Cas murmurs, "because we believe in each other despite our past mistakes. Faith is what will make us whole again." He gives Sam's hand a little squeeze and admits, "I have been thinking about this for some time."
They jump away from each other as the door suddenly bursts open. Dean enters, beaming and stomping the snow from his boots, and slams a 12-pack on the table.
"Alright, now we can really get this party started! Whoa," Dean stops and looks from Sam to Cas, "did I miss something? Sam, are you…are you crying?" he asks incredulously.
"Shut up," Sam growls and swipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. Cas has this tiny smile on his face and Dean would swear that it made him look happier than if he'd been wearing an earsplitting grin.
"Mistletoe," is all Cas says by way of explanation, and Dean really isn't entirely sure what to do with that information. He cracks open a beer and shakes his head.
"You two are so weird."
Sam throws him a bitchface, because Dean is definitely every bit as weird as they are, but the effect is diminished by Cas taking his arm and tilting his head down for another kiss. This one is a little less chaste than the first. Hungrier, Sam thinks. Dean's brow furrows in disgust and he takes a large swig of beer, squeezing his eyes shut and saying, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Y'know what, I'm not even gonna ask, but seriously guys? I'm right here!"
Cas pulls back and replies, "I apologize," and he sounds sincere enough, if a little amused. His hand is still resting on Sam's arm.
They end up settling on the beds to watch A Christmas Story on Pay-per-View, which was part of the original plan. Cas is leaning against Sam's chest, engrossed in the movie and looking perplexed.
"Why do they all seem so convinced that the little boy will shoot his eye out?"
"They're just afraid he'll accidentally hurt himself," Sam explains.
"I suppose that's a valid concern." Cas nonchalantly starts to twine his fingers with Sam's.
Dean catches Sam's eye and raises and an eyebrow, silently asking, "What the fuck?" Sam shrugs and mouths, "Later."
Dean cleans up after the movie, even though it's mostly just tossing paper plates in the trash. Cas dozes on Sam's shoulder and Sam's face is half-buried in Cas' hair. Dean shakes his head at them and mutters, "About damn freakin' time…"
Sam perks up a little, trying not to disturb Cas, and asks, "Wait…did you know?" Now that he thinks about it, Dean did kind of take his time getting the beer out of the car.
"Not really."
"You…why the fuck would you even get mistletoe in the first place?"
"No reason," Dean says sarcastically, "nothin' to do with the way Cas stares at you when you're not lookin' or how you've had your little angel crush on him since day one."
"Day one?" Cas queries sleepily, mouth twitching into a tiny smile. Dean laughs while Sam blushes and sputters in protest until Cas shuts him up with a quick kiss. Then Sam is just blushing.
"Do I need to get another room?" Dean stands back awkwardly, scrunching up his face.
"That might be wise," Cas murmurs as he suddenly pushes Sam onto his back and straddles his hips.
"Christ…" Sam gasps in surprise. Cas leans down to lick a long wet stripe up Sam's throat, trailing kisses over it. That's all it takes for little noises of pleasure to start falling from Sam's lips.
"Oh, ugh, guys…" Dean groans and scrambles to grab a couple things before racing for the door.
"Merry fucking Christmas!" he yells over his shoulder, rolling his eyes good-naturedly.
Sam feels bad about them sort of kicking Dean out, he really does, but he's very distracted at the moment. Apologies later, he thinks. He squirms under Cas' tongue and stammers, "C-Cas, this is…moving a little fast, don't you think?"
Cas pulls Sam up for a deep, long kiss. He holds Sam's face in his hands, panting, and gazes at him with bright, shining eyes. He seems about to say something when he pauses, concerned.
"You're trembling again. Are you afraid?"
He avoids Cas' eyes and nods. Yeah ok. He's afraid.
"It shouldn't be me," he whispers, "I shouldn't deserve you." How long until the other shoe drops? Until Sam disappoints Cas again, just like everyone else in his life? Until Cas leaves him for someone better? And who would blame him? Not Sam.
Cas frowns and lets out a heavy sigh. He grips the back of Sam's neck and kisses him hard, sucking and nipping at his tongue until he whimpers, then keeps going until he's breathless and writhing. When he finally releases Sam, he's gasping for air and staring up at him in wonder.
"Every time you make a statement of that nature, I will kiss you just like that," Cas says, "no exceptions."
"W-why?"
Cas sighs impatiently and responds, "So that you will learn."
"Learn what?" Sam leans up on his elbows, confused. He honestly doesn't see the lesson here, though he's not complaining about the kissing.
"You won't learn if I tell you the answer." Cas slides his hands under Sam's shirt and explores the broad expanse of his chest with light fingers. Sam groans, partly in frustration and partly because no one has touched him like this in far longer than he can remember. He starts pulling off both of their clothes, getting distracted before he manages to reach either of their pants. Cas keeps kissing and touching him and fuck, he can feel how hard Cas is and suddenly he's running his hands up Cas' bare chest with this sort of awe and reverence, just amazed that he's even allowed to touch this exalted beautiful creature who somehow wants him, his touch, and…wait…
"Moving a little fast, don't you think?" Cas whispers in his ear. He shivers from the heat of it and wraps his arms around Cas' slender waist.
"Cas…do you love me?" Sam's voice shakes and the pounding of his heart is almost deafening. Cas smiles, strokes his cheek and presses his lips softly to his forehead.
"I love you dearly, Sam."
Sam pulls Cas close and kisses him like he's starved for it, like he'll die if he ever stops. They grasp at each other with fumbling fingers and the kiss seems to go on forever. Sam has no clue where Cas learned to kiss - more pizzaman movies? - but everything he does, every movement of his tongue and the soft cling of his lips, sets off sparks in his brain.
"Sam," Cas speaks up tentatively, "I'm…extremely aroused now." It's so cute the way he says it that Sam has to hold back a laugh.
"I could help you with that…if you wanted," he adds hastily. Cas surprises him then by rolling his eyes and shoving a hand down Sam's pants.
"Sh-shit! Cas!" He groans as Cas slowly strokes him to hardness. Jesus fucking Christ, an angel is jacking him off. This particular angel is jacking him off.
"What do I have to do to convince you that I want you, Sam?" Cas asks softly. He kisses Sam tenderly, then crawls down Sam's body and tugs his pants and boxers down to his knees. Sam watches him with wide, incredulous eyes.
"Cas, you – fuck!" Sam clutches at the bedsheets because Cas is pressing light kisses to the head of his now-exposed cock and it's becoming very difficult to form coherent thoughts.
"We'll work our way up to that," Cas replies, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, "we wouldn't want to move too fast for you." Sam wants to retort, protest, do something, but Cas wraps his lips around his cock and the sounds that he ends up making don't resemble any of the words he was planning on using.
Cas' mouth is hot and wet and sucking hard and his lips are spread so wide around him, and fuck, it's Cas doing this to him, Cas who's so good and beautiful and sweet, and oh God, Sam – Sam loves him – loves him so terribly that it makes his heart ache and swell and how the hell could he have never noticed this feeling before? Sam comes embarrassingly quickly, trembling and sweating and crying Cas' name. Cas sucks him through the aftershocks, swallowing, licking him clean and petting his thigh. He finally pulls off, gasping for breath.
"That was…more pleasant than I expected," Cas murmurs, his cheeks flushed and cock straining against the fabric of his pants. Sam laughs weakly, reaches for Cas and wraps him tightly in his arms.
"I love you," he whispers against Cas' lips, massaging the bulge between his legs. Cas clings to Sam's shoulders and squirms. Sam coaxes little mewls of pleasure from him and loves those, too. Cas ruts desperately into Sam's hand until he comes hard, leaking through his slacks and moaning, "Sam."
They lie there for a long while, breathing each other's air and gazing into each others' eyes. It should feel like a cheesy chick flick moment, but Sam's too tired and happy to care.
"…you love me," Cas whispers blissfully, snuggling closer.
"Yup," Sam agrees, winding his arms around Cas' waist and kissing him sweetly. He meant to stop at some point, really he did, but Cas tastes amazing and he's sucking at his lip and holy shit he just did something with his tongue…
"You're much more pliant after sexual release. I'll have to remember this for the future," Cas remarks amusedly. Sam just buries his head in the crook of Cas' neck and hums contentedly. Cas smiles and strokes his hair, massaging his scalp, whispering soothing words of sleep in his ear and making him feel safer and more protected than he could ever remember.
He wakes up curled around Cas, clean and in his pajamas. Cas must have done that, he thinks sleepily.
"Someone had a good night."
Sam blinks in confusion and rolls over to find Dean smirking at him. He flushes and mutters, "Shut up."
"Yeah whatever. Wake up your angel boyfriend for presents," Dean says with a grin, tousling Sam's hair just to annoy him. It works. Sam shoots him a glare, then turns to Cas, who's already woken up and is lying on his side, watching him fondly.
"Good morning," Sam says sheepishly.
"Mm," Cas agrees. He sits up and pulls Sam in for a kiss. Dean coughs loudly and obnoxiously and tosses a heavy rectangular something wrapped in newspaper at Sam's head.
"Hey! Jerk."
"Bitch. Open your damn present."
Sam sighs and tears open the paper.
"…you found a whole book about Enochian?" Sam asks incredulously.
"Yeah, well, it seemed like it was your kind of thing. Nerd. You can practice with your new boyfriend."
Sam chucks the newspaper scraps at Dean, who just laughs, but it's actually a pretty thoughtful gift and Cas seems pretty excited to help teach him.
Dean gives Cas a book, too, one of those trashy romance novels that every gas station seems to stock. It looks old and little battered and Sam can't help but have the sneaking suspicion that both of their books lived on a bookshelf at Bobby's house at one point. Dean shrugs apologetically and says, "Wasn't sure what to get you. Hope you like it." Cas smiles and thanks him and he looks a little confused, but mostly just pleased to be included.
Sam digs out Dean and Cas' presents from his bag, also wrapped in newspaper.
"Merry Christmas, guys."
Dean snorts and holds up a DVD of the first season of Doctor Sexy. Sam just grins.
"Thanks Sammy."
"Thank you, Sam," Cas exclaims, cradling a brand-new red tie to his chest. He scrambles to get out two gifts wrapped in crumpled paper from under the bed. Sam and Dean unwrap them together and smile. Each brother has a thick, woolen scarf; Dean's is a dark green and Sam's is red and covered with little moose.
Cas puts on his new tie with some amount of help, Sam settles next to him and wraps his new scarf around them both, and Dean pops Doctor Sexy into the DVD player. Cas rests his head on Sam's shoulder and sighs happily.
"I didn't realize how happy I would be just for having you," he whispers to Sam. Sam blushes and kisses the top of Cas' head, ignoring Dean's chagrined look.
"Merry Christmas, Cas."