Angelic Insanity

catch me as I fall

say you're here and it's all over now

speaking to the atmosphere

no one's here and I fall into myself

this truth drive me

into madness

I know I can stop the pain

if I will it all away

Insanity. The voices that whisper softly in our minds. It gives rise to our deepest fears, to horrid thoughts of death, of suicide! All over the obsession of simply one single thought, one slight skimming over of a past image. One flash of a picture can haunt you inside forever! When your haunted until all you know, all you feel and see, is that one thought, that is true insanity! But even if you can't forget it, can't get it out of your head...

Falling… falling… slowly falling to my death. That's all I know is happening. I can't see, is someone there? I can't cry out, I can't open my jaws. They are locked shut , tied, welded. Someone catch me! Save me! I can't feel, I can't remember what happens anymore. I am in his arms? He saved me? I feel the water, the salty tears of sadness, joy… fear… love? "It's okay, I'm here! It's okay, It's over. I've got you!" And he held me tight in his arms, "Sango!"

My eyes slowly open. "Hey, Sango!" My eyes come open like a yawn, slow and wide. "You fell asleep, you okay?" It was the soft voice of young Kagome who spoke to me now, before, I guess it was Inuyasha who had first commanded my attention. The sun was high, how could I have fallen asleep? I gave a nod as she looked at me inspecting for an illness. I know what she sees. She is silent as she looks over my face were a bruise sits in a messy purple-gray splotch. I mentally thank her for not saying a word of it. I sigh and speak un-true words to her, "I'm fine," I said. "Good," she ran her fingers though the grass. A cricket jumped with fear to another area near my leg and became engulfed in the greenness that coated the land like small hairs. "Sango, Miroku's really troubled. Did something happen between you two last night?" She asked looking my way. My heart sunk to my feet. Yes, and I didn't sleep. That's why I was now I suppose. "He… he was just being his lecherous self again," I rolled my eyes away and under my eyelids. That was the truth, he was, but that's not the total story. But you couldn't just tell that to Kagome, she's young, and Shippou's a kid, and Inuyasha was right there. It wasn't something I'd like him to know about. That pervert would let him know sooner or later anyway. I forced myself to my feet, "I'm going to go find him. " I said with a slight sigh. Kagome gave a silent nod as I left them with Shippou and Kirara. The woods were damp with the morning dew. I shut my eyes tight trying not to remember. Not myself and not him! It hurts me inside to be here, only because I know what happened in these trees, on this grass. I wander about like a hovering ghost, He's by the river, I'm sure of it. That was where we were last night... Alone... I find the river by my feet as I walked on without notice to the sun, trees, grass, or the rushing water. He sat silent near me where I knew he'd remained all night. He did not look at me, he was hurt. Both mentally and physically I was able to strike him now. My eyes could no longer stand his sight and I snapped them shut and I whirled to the ground. My face hurts, the bruise close to my right eye is smashed by my twisted skin. I feel his eyes on me, burning my flesh. I want to yell, I want him to stop! I don't move I act as if he isn't there. He is here no matter my desperate tries to subdue my thoughts. He knows the truth and it's driving me into an insanity! The pain… Can I stop it? I know I can stop the pain, if I wish it all away!

don't turn away

(don't give in to the pain)

don't try to hide

(though they're screaming your name)

don't close your eyes

(god knows what lies behind them)

don't turn out the light

(never sleep never die)

His voice in my ears brings back the pictures... His face close to my own, his body... I can feel it against me. I see the night before my eyes. This truth is burning me alive! This mistake is taking over me and it will not let me go! "Sango?" His voice is like steel fragments driving through my ears. I just want to forget! But still, I must speak, I must like nothing happened… like it was never wrong. My eyes open slowly, he has inched over to my side. "I'm sorry." I find dripping from deep in my throat like an old wound that has reopened to only slowly ooze puss. We are silent looking to the atmosphere, the blueness of the early morning sky. I can not hide, I should not close my eyes. Showing fear, he knows all. But that night, last night, it was like hell on Earth...

"Inuyasha! Sit!" We all winced as Kagome rushed from the area into the trees. Inuyasha was thrown into the ground slinging dirt and dust into the air. He growled at the darkness where he saw the tress shake as the girl rushed away. I sighed and we all seemed to scold him. He was a jerk to her, he never thought before he spoke to her and it always came out harshly. I sighed and left to look for her. I found myself it the river, I sat my lantern by my feet and looked around. All found was my reflection in the water. I heard someone behind my moving closer. I was hoping Kagome. It was not, it was Miroku. Did he follow me? Probably. "Sango," He voice was unusually calmed. It was odd. He sat beside me. "This probably isn't the best time to bring this up." It never would be... Why did I fear what was coming? I could hear his thoughts within myself, shaking my heart like the wind of winter. I feel cold inside as I hear his whispers in my head. Love, a word that seems to have no meaning. Said to come from the heart and soul, but still it has none of it's own, it is hollow, like me since I lost all of my family and friends to Naraku. I feel him wrap his arm around my shoulder, I haven't heard many of his words, but I read his breath and thoughts. Don't turn out the light! I fear what the darkness brings. It hold death. The lantern is struck with a wave of water from the river. I heard my name... I hit the ground beneath the weigh of another.

I'm frightened by what i see

but somehow i know

that there's much more to come

immobilized by my fear

and soon to be

blinded by tears

i can stop the pain

if i will it all away

I can't move. I feel it slowly. The breeze against my body. Did I agree to this! Maybe so, I will never know. I haven't been in this world much lately. I see in the moon's light. He stands up. I feel the wind sharp as new grass, sharp like polished blades. Around me fabric rustles. I am frightened by what I see! I know inside there is much more to come, to see and feel. I am immobilized. I see robes fall in the moon light. I look up, my eyes unseen by the night's cloud of deception. He moves down and all there is is pain. Blinded by tears I can't see and can't do anything back. I can stop this pain, can't I? I can make him stop, right? Why can't a speak? Why can't I hide? I make a moan as he grabs me. If I wish it all away...

don't turn away

(don't give in to the pain)

don't try to hide

(though they're screaming your name)

don't close your eyes

(god knows what lies behind them)

don't turn out the light

(never sleep never die)

My face is dead. My head rolls to one side and I look into a nothingness. I still feel it. Uncomfortable. He lies next to my frozen form. He is unable to speak now. Can I force myself up? Can I truly find the strength now to face him? "Miroku, I thought it was different that this," I whisper into blankness. He can not hear. I close my eyes only to be haunted by him against the moonlight standing over my foolish body just waiting to be destroyed from the inside out. Somehow or other I crawl to a tree and I stand with it's help on weak, wobbling legs. I make my way before him, "Miroku!" I snap. He looks at me, now I am in the moonlit darkness, he smirks in the darkness behind the veil thinking to do not see his teeth flash. I see his dirty thoughts floating around me. He sits up and climbs to his feet, he is unknowing of my pains, he is used to this. He was not the virgin! He leans on me, he smells of wine. My hand pulls back. I slap him harder than I ever have before. "I never wanted it to be like this!" And and strike him again. I remembered, I had said yes, but this was not what I wanted. Before now I loved this twisted man, I thought he understood love? It won't ever be the same. Love, marriage, children... what I thought we could want together! I wasn't ready for this now! He is drunken and mad. He believes I don't care. He is mad I stuck him. He strikes back to late to realize my tears. I am forced back and he stops looking from his fist to me. "No, Sango, I didn't..." ...mean for it like this. I'm sorry, please... I continue his unfinished words in my head as I flee. ...come back... I feel the swelling. I stop down the river and my feet wait stupidly for my mind to catch up. I am alone. I am naked. I am embarrassed. I am not innocence. I am not a virgin.

I wait for an hours time. He is sleeping off his drinks. I steal my clothes and return to camp. I sit up straight in fear. Waiting for morning light until I can sleep. Until Kagome is awake I won't feel safe if I can not be watched.

fallen angels at my feet

whispered voices at my ear

death before my eyes

lying next to me i fear

she beckons me

shall i give in

upon my end shall i begin

forsaking all I've fallen for

i rise to meet my end

As he looks at the sky it watches us too. It know. I look as him where I hit him. His face looks sore and bruised like mine. Two of my slaps though are not as bad as his hardest punch, the pain of a man, and the fear of death and a cursed child. I am unsure of that last thought. Child, I feel that is the farthest thing to happen. Indeed, it must be far. I can no longer remain silent. Don't turn away, don't hide, don't close your eyes! "Why?" my voice is stern as my will to run. He won't talk. Does he even remember? He was drunk? Can he truly forget? I stand and ask once more. Silence is my answer and I walk away calm as I can. I walk into camp. Inuyasha and Kagome are still somewhat uneasy. They feel it around me as I talk, "He can stay by the damned river forever if he likes!" and I turn away and walk off down a dirt trail past the forest. I saw them both look at my face as if they'd never seen me before. I wasn't myself. I closed my eyes as the road before me narrowed to grass. The image of him flashed and hate filled my lungs and jolted my feet. I felt my body fall loose and my feet take a life of their own. I fall into myself. Deep into my heart still sunken to my feet. I drown in my blood. I am no more. I run with my eyes closed. I only see him before me making drunken movements taunting me like a dance. I run at him, I want it gone away. I hear my name, they're calling to me. The fallen angels, what I will be. They chase behind me at my feet, they whisper voices at my ear. I run into the darkness. Skidding on grass, stopping inches short of death. The death is there before my eyes. If he won't leave my mind, I'll just leave behind the thought. Yes, that will work. Then I'll never feel this fear tearing at my insides again. I see the Queen of the Fallen Angels. She beckons me free from my insanity. Shall I so easily give in? I fell... "Upon your end it shall begin." Angelic calls me forward. "Forsaking all you've worked for..." I rise to my feet, "I'll rise to meet my end..." I step once. I can not see there is no ground, no one to catch my fall. Falling… falling… slowly falling to my death. That's all I know is happening. I can't see, is someone there? He is not here anymore. He won't, can't, save me! The angels laugh as I fall, my mistaken memories. I look once. The angel is but one, one day back. Angelic Insanity is none but me. Is this how I wanted it to be? "This isn't the way I wanted it to end!"

I actually got some reviews on my last story! Yay!

...but still in a kinda depressed mood, and i read this book for school, Speak, where some girl got raped... thus the roots of my idea...