I wanted to produce a little Paily vs. Spemily angst. There's no winner; just a speculation - if you will. I'm just getting back into writing. So, I hope you enjoy it. Review please!

She kept her eyes locked on the beauty before her, the comforter tucked tight around her and the room air at her back. They made a habit of this – just sitting in quiet after an intense lovemaking – Spencer liked looking at her, something she'd admitted when Emily had asked her why they had done this; why they had lain silently, side by side, just looking at each other. The darker girl blushed at the answer; delighted because Spencer's reason was the reason she liked the quiet. She loved seeing the masterpiece she made of her: rose-colored hickeys at her neck and breasts and scratches along her shoulders and back.

Spencer offered her an appreciative smile, taking air through her mouth and releasing through her nose in a blissful sigh. "I'm greedy," she observed, her hand lifting and resting on Emily's hip. Her index finger danced along her waistline and up Emily's side. Emily chuckled a little, narrowing her eyes at Spencer because the girl knew she was ticklish there, even through the comforter.

"No you're not," Emily countered, biting her lip as Spencer's hand made its way into her comforter. She wasted no time, testing the weight of Emily's right breast in her hand. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"I am," Spencer insisted, leaning forward to take Emily's breast in her mouth. "I want this, all the time," she explained, "I want you, all the time." The admission came before the nip at her nipple, but both things, Spencer's words and Spencer's mouth, made her heart race in her chest. She wanted nothing more than to say "you have me". It was so far from the truth.

Their lips met with a frenzied insistence. Emily did her best to convey her message through the kiss, but there weren't words; just a need she needed to satisfy, a need that she was willing to indulge. This was, in no excuse, a bad idea. But it was what her heart wanted, no matter how much her head was screaming at her.

"You don't love her," Spencer said against her lips when they pulled apart. Emily bit her lip and decided not to comment. "You never have." She wanted to say that it was a lie but she knew it would only be downplaying her feelings for the brunette in front of her. Here they were, a mess of tangled limbs and insistent kisses, risking a marriage – of course of her feelings for Spencer were real. It was only half a lie, though. She loved Paige, with as much of her as she could; but she had always loved Spencer more.

"Never," she placated because it was what Spencer loved to hear. It made the lighter girl feel less guilty for betraying a friend. Paige, in every sense of the word, was perfect. She was perfect wife, the perfect partner, and the perfect lover; even in flaw. Paige's mistakes only made her that much more endearing. She didn't deserve this, Emily knew, but she couldn't help the potency of Spencer's kiss.

Spencer pulled back and looked her with imploring eyes. "I love you," she said, like it was her first time ever saying it. Emily knew she was telling the truth; she could feel it every time they kissed. But she couldn't say it back, not here, not in her and Paige's bed. So she surged forward and kissed Spencer in response. She moved to straddle Spencer's naked body, not bothering to break apart from her. Spencer's hands rested against her hips and squeezed up to her breasts. Emily moaned, effectively breaking the kiss.

"Do your worst," Emily dared, trying to diminish the depressing air around them; the same air that was suffocating her. If anything, she knew that Spencer would take the bait. Spencer Hastings couldn't resist any challenge. Emily made a play off an off-handed joke Spencer had made when they tussled in her car once. "I'm going to ruin sex for you with anyone else" she laughed. She didn't say it, but she had wanted Spencer to do just that. It would only mean that she was Spencer's and Spencer's alone.

Later that Day

Paige made her way into home, greeted by both she and Emily's cat and dog. They were vigilant like that, or at least their dog was. The cat liked following the dog around and was curious but lazy. She bent down, petting them both before moving past them.

"Hey," she said over her shoulder, "what's up guys?" she asked. Just as expected, the dog perched herself beside the sofa and the cat settled on top of her. They were tired, she could tell, but they never slept until she and Emily made their way from work.

"Paige," she heard. She looked towards the empty staircase but saw no one there. She made her way to the kitchen to find food. She was starving.

"Yeah, Em," she called back to confirm that she was the one who'd come in. Moments later, she heard footsteps descend down their creaky, carpeted stairs. Emily made her way into the kitchen. "Hey beautiful," Paige greeted, leaning forward to kiss her wife's lips. She took in Emily's wet hair and make-up-less face. "You had a shower?" she asked. Emily nodded and pulled out a stool to their kitchen island to sit.

"I'm sorry," she announced, "I should have made dinner, but Spencer was here and we ordered out." Paige stood silently, opening the refrigerator to see if they had anything quick that she could make.

"You know I don't expect dinner when I get home," she said, "How was your day off?" she asked. Emily smiled. Paige was always asking how her day went; more than she had asked for her. Emily shrugged her answer. "That good, huh?" Paige smiled and dug through the refrigerator. She pulled out a lidded bowl of leftovers. "Is this any good?" she asked.

"I don't think so," Emily answered, taking the food in Paige's hand and lifting the lid. It was leftover corn.

"I'm not even that hungry," Paige shrugged, "I was just looking forward to coming home to my wife," she added suggestively. Emily rolled her eyes. Paige's stomach growled loudly.

"You shouldn't come to bed hungry, Paige," she reminded, patting her wife's growling stomach.

"If I make grilled cheese will you spend the night helping me work it off?" she asked, leaning down to kiss Emily once more. Emily made no comment and accepted Paige's kisses.

"I have work tomorrow," she answered. "But you should eat, anyway." Paige sighed happily.

"You're right," she spoke up, "I should eat. What's on the menu, McCullers?" she asked pulling Emily off of the stool. She twirled and then lifted her onto the kitchen counter.

"Paige," Emily began as Page kissed along her neck. And this was exactly why she couldn't be Spencer's alone. Because her body responded to Paige's touch and pooled at Paige's kisses. "Paige, please," she begged. Her wife pulled away from her and looked her in the eyes.

"Not tonight, Em?" she asked. Paige could see it in her wife's eyes that she wasn't in the mood. Emily shook her head lightly and bit her lip in guilt.

"Are you mad?" she asked. Paige smiled at her.

"What? No," she answered honestly, "you're not up to it tonight, why would I be mad about that?" she asked. "Because I've been denying you for the past three weeks," she wanted to answer. And Paige was being a trooper about it. She'd been giving the excuse that she wasn't up for it, or that she had been tired, but the truth was that she couldn't let Paige touch her after being so dirtied of Spencer so thoroughly.

"I'm sorry," she apologized once more. If only Paige knew what for. Her wife probably thought she was freaking out because of their baby talk. Paige wanted to discuss children but she had quickly let Paige know that she wasn't ready for that. That was a little over three weeks ago. But nothing had changed, so Paige probably thought it had something to do with that talk, even if it was ridiculous because Paige couldn't physically get her pregnant, so logically, it shouldn't affect their love life.

"Don't be," Paige told her, "I'm a big girl, I have hands," she joked, kissing her once and helping her down from the counter. Emily was her wife, she shouldn't have to use her own hands – at least – that was what Emily thought.

"You deserve better," she told her, hugging Paige close to her, mostly because she couldn't bear looking Paige in the eyes.

"Em, baby, it's just sex, okay?" Paige assured, "I'd spend the rest of my life with you even if we don't have it. I can make love to you in ways that don't require me to get in between your legs," It had only made Emily feel worse. Emily pulled away and forced herself to look into Paige's eyes.

"You deserve better," she repeated, leaning in to kiss her wife. Paige held her closely to her own body.

"What's better than the best?" she asked, pointing at Emily with a raised brow. Emily blushed at the comment.

The Next Day

Spencer watched on with a silent envy. She had caught Paige at the supermarket with a load of food for both she and her wife and their pets. It was what she wanted. Not to go home to an empty apartment with the microwavable food she just bought. She wanted to be the one shopping for Emily and buying food for their pets.

She waited until Paige finished paying for her things and walked up to her. When the taller girl saw her coming, she smiled happily in greeting. It made Spencer feel awful. She could make excuses and make up lists why she deserved Emily, but all of those reasons would be false. Because Paige loved her wife, passionately and happily – in the way Emily deserved to be loved.

"Hey Spence," she greeted. Spencer smiled and clutched the singular bag in her right hand. She was going to have a TV dinner tonight.

"You need any help with those?" she asked. Paige smiled at her appreciatively and nodded. Spencer picked up a few bags and walked out of the supermarket with Paige. Part of her wanted to tell Paige that she was fucking her wife behind her back, but the other part of her – the lover – wouldn't do that to Emily.

"What's wrong, Spence?" Paige asked, her big brown, honest eyes looked at her expectantly. Spencer shrugged. "You're a little quiet there," she commented, "that's not like you. You're usually more… talky," she added, chuckling. Paige was trying to lighten the mood by cracking a joke. They had a push and pull relationship, but had grown to love each other over the years, just as she had grown to love Paige's wife.

"No, I was just thinking about something," she answered. Thinking about how she thoroughly ravished her wife the day before; how she had her screaming her name over and over. She was also thinking about how innocent Paige was in all of this. She thought about how Paige wasn't an abusive wife; how she did everything Emily asked and more.

"Let me in, Spence," Paige requested, digging into her pocket for her keys when they stopped at her car. They were a lot alike in that way, Spencer noticed. It was the way Paige could tell that something heavy was on her mind, because they acted the same way. Paige would bottle it up until Emily asked. Paige, however, was naturally quiet unless she was engaged in conversation. Perhaps that was the only difference between them; that and the fact that Paige was married to Emily and she wasn't.

"It's nothing," she told her, the lie coming uneasily from her lips. She put the bags she took from Paige in the trunk of her car.

"Well, in case you want to talk about nothing, I'm here," she assured. And Paige knew that they weren't that close, but she kept the line of communication open and Spencer had always appreciated that. "What are you eating tonight?" Paige asked. Spencer shrugged and held her bag up. She could see through it, slightly, but only the coloring.

"Why?"

"I'm going home to make some dinner so Emily won't have to make anything when she gets home," Paige answered, "you're welcome to join us." And by the way Paige was looking at her was telling her that she wouldn't take no for an answer. "Come on, I don't want you to starve on whatever it is in that bag," she laughed, "and I know you and Em got take-out the other day, so you should have a home-cooked meal." Spencer couldn't say no. The more Paige talked, the more she wanted to see Emily.

"Okay, I'll follow you in my car," Spencer offered and Paige grinned.

"I knew you couldn't resist McCullers' cooking," she joked. Spencer rolled her eyes and bid her friend a farewell.

Spencer rested easily on Paige's couch, peering into the kitchen to watch Paige begin preparing their dinner. She was making baked chicken breast, white rice and Spencer's choice of broccoli over string beans. After setting everything on and in the stove, she washed her hands and made her way to the living room where Spencer sat. She passed a beer over to Spencer, who took it gratefully.

"What time is Em getting home?" Spencer asked. She knew, already, she just wanted to make conversation. Paige took a glance at the watch on her wrist.

"Should be an hour and a half," she answered and Spencer nodded her head awkwardly. "So, what's on your mind?" Paige asked. She was persistent, just like she had been. She shook her head, shrugging off her anguish at the situation. "You know I won't tell Em," Paige reminded, "not if you don't want her to know." Their cat, Zod, walked over to Paige and rubbed against her leg. Paige petted the cat as she waited patiently for Spencer to speak. Spencer watched as their dog, Ivy, rested at her feet.

"I uh…" she started, "I did something bad." It was all she could say. Paige didn't look at her. She knew not to. Any sign of judgment would quiet Spencer into silence. "And I don't know if… I can't stop!" she forced out.

"Hey," Paige interrupted. Spencer brought her eyes to Paige's. "Whatever it is," she began, "no matter how bad it is, it's going to be okay," Paige promised. Spencer shook her head.

"No… people are going to get hurt," she admitted. Paige scooted closer to her and leaned forward to set her beer on her coffee table.

"Did you murder someone?" she asked seriously. Spencer couldn't help but laugh as her tears welled. She shook her head. "Do you plan to?" she shook her head once more. "Then nothing is too great a mistake," she finished. And of course Paige would think that now. Paige let her cry a little. She didn't make any attempts to hug or hold her, just sat there, petting Zod as he purred.

"Why did you name him Zod?" Spencer asked after a beat. Paige grinned in thought before answering.

"My favorite Superman villain next to Lex Luthor, but he reminded me too much of father, so I picked Zod," she answered.

"Paige McCullers, a nerd?" Spencer asked, pulling out her phone that vibrated. It was Emily.

I can't stop thinking about you – Emily

Spencer bit her lip guiltily and glanced at Paige.

"And proud of it," Paige said proudly, "And Ivy here was after Poison Ivy – Emily's idea," she admitted, pointing to the dog. At her name, Ivy looked up but then lazily rested her head on her paws.

Me either. I'm at your house – Spencer

That got her a quick response.

Paige is there, don't wait. I'll try to make it to your apartment - Emily

Paige got up to check on their food, leaving Spencer with Zod and Ivy.

She invited me for dinner, so don't go to the apartment – Spencer

She waited for a response. She knew Emily was uncomfortable with her and Paige alone together; mainly because the possessive side of her could reveal what they had been doing, just like she almost had.

I'm off work, I'll be there soon – Emily

I can't wait to see you – Spencer

She bit her lip and waited for a response. Just her being there could make Emily stunt her outward affection for her. Emily could be a nervous wreck because Paige would be there.

I love you – Emily

That surprised her. She didn't expect Emily to say it, and with this, Spencer could sense that things were changing.

I love you too. Everything okay? – Spencer

She waited for her phone to vibrate, but heard Paige's voice in the kitchen. Just by her tone, she could tell that Paige had called Emily.

"Yeah," she heard, "I'm making your favorite. Oh and Spence is here. I love you, babe." It seemed like Paige was always saying, every chance she got. She couldn't blame her, she would do the same. "Yeah, I went shopping; got food for Zod and Ivy… I may or may not have gotten you your favorite bed-time fruit snacks," Paige laughed and Spencer imagined Emily yelling in excitement. "Drive safe, okay? Bye, love you." Paige made her way back to the living room area where Spencer sat quietly. Zod had taken her seat and didn't show any signs of moving. Spencer smiled down at the cat and frowned. In many ways, she was a lot like the cat – taking Paige's spot without warning and showing no signs of leaving. A part of her identified with Ivy, however, when she thought about how she quietly sat aside, watching everything going on (Paige and Emily's relationship).

The cat meowed in defiance. Paige sighed, before stroking the cat's head with a finger. She tapped her thigh twice to get the cat's attention before walking away. "I'll feed you," she said. Zod followed excitedly and knowingly, so did Ivy. Spencer checked her phone while she waited.

I'm a little nervous now. You know how I get when you and Paige are in the same room – Emily

Yeah, she knew, but that didn't stop guilt from slapping her in the face. Emily shouldn't ever feel uncomfortable in front of her; or in front of her wife, for that matter. She would love to stop making Emily feel that way, but she couldn't get over what Emily's kiss did to her. She couldn't get enough of her touch or her love; a love that was meant for the woman in their kitchen feeding their pets.

She needed to find a way to stop. She had to. She knew that if Emily wasn't married, or wasn't with Paige, she'd have a shot. She'd be perfect for Emily.

I think we should stop – Spencer

It was said many times before, more times than the number of fingers on their hands and feet combined, but this time, she had meant it, in a matter of permanence. And this time, it had brought tears to her eyes.

She waited for Emily's response. She had hoped Emily was only texting her at red lights.

Don't say that Spence, I don't know if I can stop – Emily

Em, this isn't fair. You have to choose, and you need to choose her – Spencer

Always the martyr, well, for Emily anyway. There was nothing she wouldn't do. Even if Emily had refused to choose Paige, she'd stay if she asked. Her dependency, she recognized, was unhealthy and unlikely for someone like her – but Emily was all that of the heavens. Emily was addictive, at best as she could describe, so potent and so dynamic. She couldn't remember a time where she wasn't aching for the darker girl's kiss.

What if I don't want to? – Emily

The question threw her. She didn't even imagine a possibility where Emily would choose her. She couldn't imagine Emily giving up the perfect life for her.

You don't know what you're saying. Paige loves you and you love Paige – Spencer

That was it. There was nothing else to it. She could forget about Emily loving her back. It didn't matter. It was insignificant in the shadow of Paige's love for Emily. Emily was so deep into them, just as she was, but there needed to be an end to it.

"You want to watch a game?" Paige asked, walking back into the living room area. She bent a little to pick up the remote from the coffee table. Spencer quickly wiped at the forgotten tears in the corners of her eyes. She cleared her throat before sitting up.

"Uh yeah," she answered. Any longer of a response would alert Paige that there was something wrong. She should have chosen to go back to her apartment.

Paige didn't look at her when she said, "If you want to talk about it, I'm here." Spencer nodded once choosing not to comment. She plopped back on the soft sofa and sunk into it. She sighed heavily before Paige settled on a game. She looked over to the taller girl.

"Pool?" she asked. Paige had turned on a pool tournament. Paige shrugged and grinned.

"You didn't specify that game. I watch either this or chess," she admitted. Spencer didn't want to, but she had laughed. She figured if she wasn't so into Emily, she'd be into Paige. Paige settled comfortably into the couch and they watched the tournament in relaxed silence.

A few moments later, Ivy walked into the living room area from the kitchen and hovered near the door. Emily was home. Spencer closed her eyes and sighed in frustration at the way her heart raced. Paige got up to greet Emily at the door and pecked her lips in welcome. She sighed again. She should have just gone home.

Three Weeks Later

Paige sat quietly in her study. The only sound coming from her was the periodic sniffle that bounced off the office walls. Since she'd been with Emily, she had forgotten that she had a temper. Of course, there were times that she and Emily argued, but she had never felt so angry. She had locked herself in her study, her fingers gripping the brown armchair that was staged in the middle of the room.

She didn't want to lash out. She didn't want to break or throw things, but she was seriously close. She tried keeping the tears in and the effort had hurt her throat and eyes. She closed her eyes, tears falling over the brim, at the sound of her name.

"Paige," she heard, "Paige, I'm so sorry." Emily had never sounded so broken. She stood outside of her office, trying to get Paige to open the door. Paige thought about opening it, to see her wife, to see the love of her life, but even picturing Emily made her sorrow amplify and her anger increase. She wished she'd never found that hickey on Emily's neck. She knew it wasn't her doing because Emily hadn't let her get close to her in a number of weeks.

"Why?" she asked, voice cracking. She hoped she was loud enough for Emily to hear her through the door. "What did I do wrong?" she asked. She had tried to be everything Emily needed. She had tried to be everything she wanted.

"Nothing," Emily answered quickly, "I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this," she swore. Paige shook her head. Emily was still her, still the love of her life. She could hear the anguish in her tone and the tears in her throat. Part of her wanted nothing more than to hold her and wipe away her tears.

But Emily was right. She didn't deserve any of this.

"Paige, please open the door," Emily cried sadly. A pang of sadness shot through her heart. Who was she to deny her wife? "Please," she begged. On shaky knees, Paige stood up. She walked slowly towards the door, not bothering to wipe any tears away; they'd only be replaced by the ones watering her eyes.

She opened the door and took sight of her wife. Emily's tearstained face wasn't something she'd ever want to see. Emily stood there, slumped and withdrawn. Paige hated herself for making Emily feel that way. She reached out and pulled Emily into her. Immediately, brown arms wrapped around her and held on tight.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," she repeated. Paige just held her close and cried quietly while Emily sobbed into her neck. She wanted to say that it would be okay, that they'd get through this. But she had to be honest with herself. Her marriage was crumbling apart because while she knew Emily loved her, she also loved Spencer. Her hold tightened around Emily at the thought of Spencer's name.

Eventually she led Emily into their bedroom. She undressed herself and Emily and relaxed into the bed. She beckoned Emily to follow suit. She didn't stop sobbing or apologizing and Paige didn't stop holding her girlfriend close.

Emily eventually fell asleep in Paige's arms. Her phone dinged and rang on and off; probably Spencer wanting to contact her. Paige watched it ring multiple times but made no move to get up to answer. She needed these last moments of just holding Emily, of telling her she loved her and that she needed her. Of course her words would fall on deaf ears; but they would even if Emily was awake, wouldn't it? She'd fight for her, she would, but it would be fighting a losing battle. She already knew that Spencer had won out.