Because I'm off work ill today and the feels are coming thick and fast and I feel like making myself cry :)

I miss him. I've missed him the past ten months. He is all I think about while I'm stuck in this tiny little cell. I can't get him off of my mind. He doesn't know it but I sneaked a photo of him inside with me. I sleep on the bottom bunk and his picture is hidden on the bottom of the one above me, meaning I'm the only person who will be able to look at it as I lay in bed. He's smiling in the photo, I took it in Dublin, the bridge as a backdrop. He looks like he's on cloud nine; just because he was there with me and we were in love. We were happy.

I hope he's done as I asked him to and continued on with his life and isn't moping around waiting for me to return, as that will never happen. I might not die in this hell hole, but I told him to never think about me again, and if he's done as I requested then I cannot turn up in thirty years and turn his world upside down. That doesn't mean I will move on though. Years ago, I might have fucked around and shagged anything moving, but even in jail I know I will never touch another boy again, because they will never match up to Steven's perfection. Sure, there's people here that you could spot the similarities to my boy, but none of them will ever be Steven, and I will never tarnish the memories I have of his touch.

See Steven knew exactly how to touch me, exactly what to do, and I know none of them in here will ever be as good as he was. You see, I think about him every single night as I lay in bed, and yeah, I have touched myself thinking about him, it helps to keep his memory alive.

I'm lucky we got those three months of being a proper couple; it's something I never thought would happen all of those years ago. I was out, everybody knew I was gay and everybody knew we were a couple. Steven and Brendan, Brendan and Steven. We were joined, we may not have been touchy-feely in public, I may never have held his hand, but he knew deep down how I felt about him, and how if we were ever split apart it would be hell.

And that's what this is. Hell.

I hate being away from him, it's the worst feeling I've ever encountered, and I know it's bad to say as I'm a dad.

But losing him, is worse than losing my kids.

See, I know the kids had Eileen to look after him, but Steven has nobody.

I love him so much you see, and that's why I can't let him see me and that's why every letter gets sent back.

Because if I give in to him, I know I won't be able to let him go again, and he will waste his whole life waiting for me.

Waiting for something that might never happen.