HARRY POTTER AND THE MOROSE MORON

BY SHERUDON

A/N. im new at this if you dont like go to hell... and i dont own this if i did... id do something.. like... play games.

We begin our story at the usual place of number 4 Privet Drive...

BOY!" yelled Aunt Petunia. "Get down here right now!"

"Coming...you old saggy titted bitch," mumbled Harry.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!" hollored Petunia.

"Err.. I said I'm coming... and scratching my little itch."

"Oh.. well, hurry up and get breakfast started then," said Petunia.

As our brave hero got out of his bed, he looked across and saw his beloved Hedwig eating out of a curious plastic bag...

"Hedwig no!", yelled Harry, "thats mine, get out of it!", he said while grabbing the bag.

Looking at Hedwig's face he could not but feel a little pity for taking it away from her. "Don't be upset Hedwig I'll give you some after breakfast," smiled Harry. Leaving the hyper hooting owl alone.

Walking down the stairs, Harry noticed tub arse Vernon and Ms Saggy waiting at the table. Guess dudley was in his room asleep... or masterbating to animal porn... always wondered why he took Aunt Marge's dog in his room as soon as he can...

Walking up to the fridge to get out the bacon and eggs, I began to start cooking them and reminising where I got the bag currently in my pocket...

"Ohh look the walls are PINK!" said a strange voice. I had been heading to the kitchens of Hogwarts for a midnight snack when I heard this voice in one of the old class rooms.

To my unending shock, there laid Dumbledore, beard covering his face and glasses bent in all directions; in his usual attire... you know... freaky stuff.

I though he had ben attacked and hit with a confusing charm, but looking around I spotted a little bag of "cigarettes" next to him. Strange that the professor would smoke tabacco... or so I thought, Suddenly he let out a giggle that a man should not be allowed to make.

"Oh Severus, this is the shit" said Dumbledore.

"Weeee!" replied Snape. I was more shocked than anything at Snape's appearance. After years of hating me, I never knew why... until now. I saw him wearing a pair of "my" old glasses taped together, a black marker pen of a lightning bolt on his forehead, running in circles saying, "I'm Harry Potter, the boy who lived" he said, laughing his head off.

I stood transfixed at the scene. I was a few seconds from a brain hemmorage followed by shitting myself with laughter, even I could not restrain myself when Snape mistepped and ran right into the wall at top speed. Realising my mistake, I shoved my hand in my mouth to muffle the sound.. unfortunately doing so removed the cloak for my head... leaving dumbledore to see my floating head.

"Ah Harry my boy, it seems you have caught myself and professor Snape at a rather.. bad time," said Dumbledore. I would however like you to not mention this to any of the other students or teachers.. for your co-operation you may have the rest of this bag."

That was the night that changed my life forever... Dumbledore and I soon became good friends. He is my teacher in advanced
"herbal remedies" and gave me a rather small book called 1001 uses for medical marijuwana, by Severus Snape, though there was only 20 or so ways. The rest of the pages said work in progress.

"Boy don't burn our food!" said Vernon, snapping me out of my reprive.

"Yes Uncle Vermin," said Harry.

" You better not use your freakiness and make your room smoke up like that." Ah yes, the great first night home and Hedwig's introduction, "Ah Harry my boy... its time to go back, but do not dispair, here, I have a gift for you," said Dumbledore, handing me a plastic bag. Looking at him questioningly, he smiled, "dont worry my boy, its charmed to be automaticaly restocked when it has been used up," twinkled the headmaster.

Now, back to the present... "Boy, we're having Aunt Marge over today. I want no freaky business when she's here understand?" said Vernon.

"Yes Uncle Vermin," said Harry

"And I expect you to make us a cake befor she arives at 1:30 am I understood?" glowered Vernon.

"Yes Uncle Vermin... you cheap arse limp bastard."

"WHAT WAS THAT BOY?"

" I said, would you like cheese and custard as well?" said Harry.

And so the day when on. Harry could not keep his promise to his bird that afternoon... as he was making a nice chocolate cheese cake; however, this was a "magical cheesecake" to liven up the day.

1:00 o'clock and the cake was complete. I could not help but laugh as I dreamed about the carnage that would ensure to those foolish enough to try..."THE CAKE OF JUSTICE"... (ok realy lame name, but it fits the bill), sitting in the kitchen, I had realised the Dursley's had not come back yet. No time to wonder I though running up to my room.

Hedwig in the meantime must have got the munchies bad and had chewed right though her cage and chewed all of my quills, and one of my books had shit all over it. If Hedwig had been a human she would have been giving me a horrified expression from the windowsill, as she was just sitting there staring at me... blink...blink, god damn horror movie shit this was... blink.

Deciding to play it safe, I took out my home and contents A.K.A lighter and hash, and proceded to light up. That shoud have got a reaction from Hedwig but she just stayed still, blinking at me in a catatonic state...blink... so I improvised. I took a drag and exhaled into her face. Now that got the reation I was looking for. Up, up and away she went, forgetting she was inside. thud Flying into the roof. Even slightly stoned as I was, the poor birds agony amused me to no end... so I did the humanitarian thing, I blew more in her face... cross-eye bird for around a hour...

Around 2.10, the Dursleys came back home raving about bad traffic and stupid policemen. Being stoned off my arse and in a room of smoke, bearly cared less, untill Dudley came flying... or wadling up the stairs and bashed on my door.

"Mum and Dad want you freak" said Dudley.

"Coming Tubby, " I said, opening my door. I did a great rock band entrance walking out of a room of smoke with Hedwig looking noticeably like a dead bug; feet in the air, hooting and kicking about.

Leaving my "indesposed" bird I left to face... Aunt petunia forboding music plays "and turn off the subtitles!"

A/N im new sueing me would be a waste of time some critics are welcome, whining little tarts are not, criticts give me some feedback, flammers make your own first...