Walking In Between
"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."
~ Thomas Merton ~
There are no harder words to find, than those meant to say goodbye.
For Spencer Reid, finding these words - the right words - was proving nearly impossible. After all, how do you find the words to say goodbye to six people who have meant everything to you for the last seven years?
He didn't know. Still. After two days of trying, Spencer Reid had finished only one of seven letters he'd been trying to write - his letter of resignation from the FBI.
He looked at his desk, bare except for a cup of coffee, a worn-looking envelope sitting off in the top corner of the desk, and then sitting before him, a single typed page, six blank papers, and seven envelopes - six of which bore only a name. Hotch. Morgan. Rossi. Emily. Penelope. JJ.
On the surface, he'd hoped this would be easier. But in his heart, he knew, nothing would ever be as hard as this. He sighed at the thought. He contemplated his decision. Again. It was a never-ending cycle.
For the fourth time since sitting down, Reid looked at the letter that had arrived last week, marking the start of everything in his life changing.
Office of Dr. Jean-Lou Chameau
California Institute of Technology
January 16, 2012
Dr. Spencer Reid,
The California Institute of Technology is pleased to offer you a position of tenure as a professor in both the Division of Engineering and Applied Science and the Division of Physics, Mathematics, and Astronomy. It is a great pleasure to invite you to return to the campus that enjoyed watching your transformation into one of today's great minds, in hopes that you may one day enjoy watching a student emerge into prominence as we did with you.
Enclosed with this letter is an official offer, as well as documents pertaining to each position, including salary, grants, living options, and expenses. If you have any questions about this information, please contact my assistant Jamie Conway and she will direct you to whomever you need to speak to.
The deadline to either accept or decline this offer is March 1, 2012.
Sincerely,
Dr. Jean-Lou Chameau
President of California Institute of Technology
In the end, finding the words for Hotch, Rossi, Morgan, Emily, and Garcia had been easy. In these six or seven years, these five people had become his family. And for that, he would always be thankful. And no matter how far away they were, he would always strive to be the man that they expected him to be. A man who would stand for what was right and moral. A man who would uphold the vow he'd taken at the tender age of 21. Fidelity. Bravery. Integrity.
Easy at least, compared to his final letter.
To JJ.
How could he explain this to her? To her son? Two and a half years ago, he'd promised that he'd always be there for the two of them. And now - now he was moving away. To Pasadena, California. Two thousand six hundred and sixty-four miles away.
He remembers, two days ago now, when he'd shown her the letter - and given her his letter to her.
"Spence! Hey! What are you doing here?" She's all smiles today, holding the door open for him as he steps inside.
"Hey JJ. I uh, I needed to talk to you. About something." He pauses, glances around - looks for something that can delay this conversation for as long as possible. But, he thinks, then how would he decide what to do? He needs her advice. He can't put this off any long.
Sitting on her sofa, he breathes deeply, pulling in every bit of courage he has in him. "It's actually kind of important. If you're not busy, that is."
She grins, but he can tell she's worried. Her eyes aren't as bright. "Sure Spence. We can talk. I was just taking advantage of Henry being at a friend's house for the afternoon to take care of some household chores. A distraction is more then welcome though."
He knows it worries her more, but he can't seem to look at her. Not while he tells her this. "You should um, sit down." he says, as he turns a bit, settling in so that he somewhat faces her.
She does, sits down and curls up against the armrest with her feet under her and facing him, giving him her full attention. He wishes she hadn't.
When they're both settled, he pulls out a weathered envelope (it looks like he had fingered it constantly, crinkling it nervously). Handing her the letter from inside, he begins...
"I received this in the mail about a week ago. At first, I thought it was just some fundraiser that they send out to alumni. I get one every so often. But when I opened it..." he pauses then. Collects himself. He doesn't know how to say this. Doesn't know how to tell her.
So he takes the cowards way out and just nods at the letter in her hands, signalling her to read the it for herself.
It takes a few moments, but he can see the moment the words click. Can only watch as her fingers tighten around the paper, the way her knuckles turn white. Her back stiffens as she tenses. He can see the way her lips tighten into a smooth firm line.
She's holding back tears by the time she reads the entire letter.
It takes everything in him not to reach out to her. But he can't - not yet.
He watches her though, for any hint of what's going through her head right now. Counts down the seconds, waiting for her to speak, or at least let him know that it's ok for him to do, or say something.
"Spence...what? What is this? Is this real? Are you even considering this?" she must see the way he grimaces, eyes downcast, unable to look at her. She figures that's her answer.
"Why? Why would you even consider this? It would mean moving clear across the country! Leaving the FBI, the BAU, the team. Henry and me."
"I know that JJ. I know. Why do you think I've been so withdrawn lately? I know you've sensed it. Am I crazy to even be considering this? ...Maybe. But I'd be crazy not to. This is an amazing opportunity. To dismiss it out of hand? Without even thinking about it...I couldn't do that."
She seems to crumble at his words, collapsing in on herself. He reaches for her, wants to comfort her, hold her. He needs to fix this. But he can't, not really. Not when he is the cause of it. He's what's hurting her.
He's not quite sure how long they sat there, but it seems to last forever, and be over in the blink of an eye. But when she finally moves, she does so quickly. He almost thinks she'd been startled by something, the way she jumps up - but when she turns to him, he knows it wasn't that.
"Look, you should go. I need to finish up a few things before I get Henry. But I uh... I hope you figure out what's right Spence. For you. You deserve this. You're right. It's a great opportunity."
He almost thinks she talking more to herself than to him.
With nothing left to say (that he can say), Spence nods and stands.
He's halfway to her door when he suddenly stops, turning back to her. He's not sure why he feels the need to confirm this to her - but he does.
"Hey JJ...no matter what I decide, whether I go or not...I'll still always be here for you and Henry. Nothing can change that. If the two of you ever need me, I'm just a phone call away. Whether I'm 15 minutes away or 6 hours won't make a difference. After all, he's my favorite godson. And you're my best friend. I won't let anything get in the way of that."
She smiles a little at that, even through the veil of tears that she holds back but can't hide, and he's happy. At least for the moment... somehow his next words have the opposite effect though. Later, he'll realize that the letter, the sentiment, make her realize - he's leaving. Somewhere inside, he's made his decision. And it's not the one that will keep him here. With her.
"I um...I wrote this, for you. Don't read it now, please. Just wait until I'm gone." His words seem to visibly cut her, slicing through the wall she'd erected, holding back her tears. They fell now, unencumbered, streaking lines down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry JJ. I know that doesn't fix anything...but I am truly sorry."
She stiffens then, and he can only watch as she slips behind the mask of indifference that protects her from the horrors of their - of her job.
"Just go Spence. Please, just go..."
He nods. And then he leaves.
She doesn't stop him. He wonders if he's irreparably broken the one relationship that means the most to him.
He tells himself not to, but he looks back, just once, before he gets in his car and drives off.
The sight of a sobbing JJ, opening his letter, is an image that would haunt him for a very long time.
JJ,
Do you remember the night you were with me, that last time before Emily returned to us? We'd spent hours on my sofa, eating takeout and talking about anything and everything. You fell asleep by my side, and it felt like two strangers coming together, your hand in mind.
I remember perfectly the moment you woke up, your head resting gently against my shoulder and your hand still in mine. The way you smiled at me, this cute sleepy grin meant just for me, as if the entire world melted away for those few seconds. Even without an eidetic memory, I think I would've remembered those few moments for the rest of my life. Even now, all these months later, I sometimes wonder why we never came closer, when in that moment, it felt as if all the stars were aligned?
Sitting there, with you so close to me, and little Henry sleeping peacefully in the next room, it felt as if - just for a moment - my life was finally right.
In my heart, I wish things could be different. But I've always relied on facts - not fiction. And this dream, no matter what I wish, is fiction.
I know that right now you're probably mad at me, and if you are I don't begrudge you that anger. But one day, when you're not so angry anymore...can you tell Henry about me? About all of the fun that we had together? Make sure that he never loses his imagination, his creativity, and his love of life. Make sure that he understands that this - my leaving - was never about him. I know what it's like to be abandoned - how it makes you feel like you're not enough. Don't let him ever think that he wasn't perfect. I'm the one that has something to fix. And I hope that one day you make sure he knows that - and that I will always be there if he needs me. No matter what.
I have always, and will always, cherish your friendship Jennifer Jareau. You have been my guiding light for so long. I will never forget you and what you've meant to me, for all the days of my life.
Thank you, for all that you've done for me. You'll always be my best friend JJ.
All of my love,
Spence
P.S. - I guess now, it will be even easier to get my little man into CalTech. Who knows...he might even be in one of my classes!
four days later...
It had taken him almost three days to sort and pack his possessions. After almost two weeks spent weighing the pros and cons of accepting this offer, Reid feels as if things are finally accelerating. For as long as those few weeks had seemed to drag, the four days since he'd decided to accept CalTech's offer had seemed to passed in an instant. And now, standing in his mostly packed apartment, Spencer Reid felt as if he were forgetting something. Or someone.
"Spence."
Her voice startled him. He hadn't been expecting anyone. Really, he hadn't been expecting her.
He turns towards his open front door, sees her standing there, arms wrapped around herself as if that will ward off the early February cold. "JJ, hey. What are you doing here?"
She doesn't answer, not right away. He watches her, takes in every ounce of her, there in his doorway. Maybe for the last time. He mentally shakes that thought away. He can't help but memorize the way she looks, arms still wrapped around her middle, clad in well-worn jeans, a black Henley and a black leather jacket. He even notices the black low-top Converse she wears (a Christmas present from him, a joke after she'd spent the case before their Christmas leave teasing him about how his own pair seemed to be the only pair of shoes he owned. Really, they'd spent the prior two weeks on back to back away cases - and it was the only pair of shoes he'd brought with him.)
Even dressed so casually, he couldn't help but think she looked gorgeous. That she always did.
The silence between the pair is starting to make Spence feel uncomfortable. When she finally steps into his almost-completely packed apartment and starts pacing, a look that's part anger and part hurt, he starts worrying. He's seen this JJ before. It never ends well for the person it's aimed at. And right now, it's aimed at him.
He stands there, not sure what to do. What to say. Because what can he say? I'm sorry I'm leaving? He is. But it's still his choice. His decision to leave. The team. Henry. Her. He shakes his head.
"I'm here because I deserve to know the truth. I deserve to know why you're giving up. Why you're leaving me! And Henry...and the team. You can't just write that letter...you can't say those things and then leave. Not after everything we've been through together. You're my best friend Spence. And then one day you just decide you've had enough? That you're leaving the FBI, the team, D.C...Henry and me?"
"I like you. Even when I try not to, I like you. Seven years - it's a long time. And somehow, you still make me smile. Every day, all the time, you make me smile..."
He doesn't move. Can't believe what he's hearing. Doesn't dare to believe that she's really saying these things to him. Can't help they way he startles, or the shiver that races from his hand and up his spine when she grasps his hand in hers.
"You're my best friend Spence. And somewhere along the way, I realized something. I've always loved you. So many people think that the best loves are those that are immediate and electric. A spark that ignites, burns fast and hot." She lets go of his hand, taking a step back, turning to look out his window.
"But really, they're not. Because the faster and the hotter they burn, the quicker they go out." She lets out a deep, calming breath, glances back at him.
He must look like an idiot now, he can feel it. He's standing here, and she's saying everything he's ever dreamed of her saying, and he's wide-eyed and slack-jawed. He's imagining this, right?
"JJ...I um... what are you saying, exactly?"
He's going crazy. That must be it. Last minute daydreams before everything changes. But it's real. She's real. And she's walking towards him now.
"You know, my mom used to tell me that there were way too many love songs. That all those people who sang about love, they'd gotten it wrong. She'd say that 'Life isn't the mountain tops. It's the walking in between.' And I realized something, after I read your letter. She was right. Life, and love, isn't about that one moment. It's the journey. It's the walking in between. And I've always liked when you were the one walking next to me. I like you. And I love you. I'm in love with you."
He can't help it - the deep tearful laugh that erupts from deep inside. Can't help when he grabs her hands in his, pulls her to him. Can't help it when he wraps his arms around her, holding onto her for dear life.
"I like you too, Jennifer Jareau. Always."
"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."
~ Thomas Merton ~
A/N: All information pertaining to CalTech up to and including the departments mentioned in this story are factual. Dr. Jean-Lou Chameau served as President of the university from 2006 until his departure in 2013. Whether or not someone would be offered positions in two different departments is entirely made up. Although I'm sure someone with Reid's resume and connections to the school could be given such an offer. Otherwise, it's all fiction!
Finally, this story was vaguely inspired by a couple songs. One verse of Mads Langer's song "Fact-Fiction" - which can be found weaved into Reid's letter to JJ. And most of JJ's speech comes from Ben Rector's song "I Like You".