A/N: This is pretty much all the cliché's rolled into one. Enjoy as I corrupt, use, play with, and ruin these innocent characters ;)
Disclaimer: Oh, I know all of you wish I could really do this to them, but alas, I can only do this on fanfiction.
Draco was straddling Hermione as they shared a heated look. They had been fighting for some reason (no one is really sure why…)
"Why were we fighting again?" asked Draco. Hermione shrugged.
"Because that's how all stories have to turn out. Duh! We have to get in this position with you on top before we can make out and have hot crazy sex. DUH!" she screamed.
"Oh. Yeah. Now what?" she rolled her eyes.
"Now we share another heated and passionate look and your lips come crashing down on mine." He slowly let his mouth cover hers but…
"NO! You're doing it all wrong! You have to slam them down. DUH!"
"Oh." He tried again, crashing his mouth to hers and bruising it. "That better?"
"Yes. Now we must tear away at each others clothing." She started to rip open his shirt, but then…
"No! Wait, I like this shirt!"
"Well, the author told you to wear an old shirt, but did you listen? Nooo. We had to look good for the fans." Draco shrugged.
"At least I have a fan club."
"I have one too!" She pointed to the group containing Ron, Harry, Dudley, Oliver, Fred, George, Neville, and Snape. Dumbledore, Voldemort, Hagrid (actually, Hagrid and Ron were snogging…but that's beside the point) and other random men. Draco, though, had all the women in Hogwarts.
"Well, I am the Slytherin Sex God." He said. She smirked.
"Well, Look at me." And with a swish of the wand, she was suddenly tall, thin, blonde, big breasted, and curvy and wore a sexy low cut halter top, a short short skirt, lots of makeup, and boots that reached her knees. "Now I'm sexy!" She smirked. He rolled his eyes.
"Damn illusion spell." She scoffed indignantly.
"Lets just get back to shagging already. We have to eventually."
"But not without angst!"
"No no no! The angst comes after we shag. First we are lustful and then one night the lust erupts and we shag and then we have angst and then you have an epiphany and turn good and love me and we kiss and makeup and Ron! Do NOT start shagging Hagrid right now! This is MY angsty sex scene" Ron scowled at her but climbed off the older man, mumbling something about greedy brats. Hermione sneered. "You already have an angst filled story."
"WHAT ABOUT ME?" cried Harry, outraged by the lack of attention. "I shag a painting and get it pregnant and suddenly I am unpopular? I am the Boy Who Lived! I WANNA AN ANGST FILLED SMUT STORY!" Hermione shrugged.
"Take it up with the authoress and the midget from hell. Now, if you excuse me I have some hawt monkey love to do." Harry, still sulking, looked around.
"Ginny…babe…" She shook her head.
"No way. I'm in love!" She giggled.
"With who?"
"Crabb. Come 'ere, you sexy thang!" Harry just pouted some more as she started making out with Crabb (actually, it was more of her kissing him and him just standing there, but whatever.)
"DAMN IT! I WANT A LOVE SCENE!" yelled Harry, becoming very angry.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a beautiful girl with long blonde hair, a curvaceous body, blue eyes, and big breasts dropped in. She looked at Harry and he could immediately tell that she was more powerful than him.
"Hello." She said in perfect English. "I am Allatrediamoonestastacristalisanatospatocalagiagi Moonsward. You can call me Moon. I come with lots of angst and lots and lots of pain and magic and I am really the only one who can defeat Voldemort and I can say his name without flinching and everyone wants me but I inevitably wind up with you." She then smiled a perfect smile.
"FINALLY! Some respect…Hey! Stop snogging my babe!" Moon looked at him, rather annoyed.
"Hello! Remember, this is angst you moron. I have to date a random jerk that makes you jealous before we shag. Duh! Now, go find someone else to make me jealous with." Harry pouted and turned to another random girl.
"Wanna make out? I know that's not really an English term, but in the past five seconds I have suddenly learned to speak perfect American slang."
"Ok." They started to snog, but then Moon saw and punched the random girl (who we shall call Sally. No one really knows who Sally is, or what house she is in, but that's ok, because no one really likes Sally much and we all hope she dies!" Moon and Sally suddenly started to fight. Soon they were only in their underwear and suddenly in a mud pit, making all the males hot (well, except for Ron and Hagrid, who were…erm…a bit 'occupied' in another room, seeing as no one wanted to see that, although it could still be heard quite clearly.) Hermione smacked Draco.
"Hello! Pay attention to me you idiot! Now comes the awkward name calling."
"Oh, yeah. Uh, mudblood." She burst into tears.
"I can't believe you called me that after all we shared. I gave you my virginity and love and you used me!"
"Really? I took your virginity?" She stopped her tears for a moment.
"No! As if. Puh-leeze, I lost it years ago. But for plot line purposes, I hadn't before. Oh, you are also my first kiss." She then proceeded to cry some more.
"I'm sorry 'Mione…"
"Shut up! You are supposed to act cold because you are fighting your true feelings for me inside. God, do I have to tell you everything?" she said, getting quite annoyed.
"Gotcha. I'm going to go. Wait, how long?" She groaned.
"Go a day, see me, and realize you love me, then take me in your arms and kiss me and tell me you love me." He nodded and left. The fan clubs, which were now really just groups of kids kissing, left too. Moon, Sally, and Harry had cleared out (Sally died. Moon killed her, but that's ok because Sally was really bad and was going to –gasp- betray Harry! So Moon and Harry kissed and made up and had a secret love child, who we shall not meet until another story.
Exactly a day later, Hermione was still crying for show, in the astronomy tower (despite the fact that they really cant go there) and Draco came!
"Oh Hermione! I love you and I cant lick a frog? Huh? Who writes this crap?" he asked, glancing down at the piece of paper.
"ITS CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU, YOU MORON!" screamed Hermione.
"Oh, okay. Oh Hermione! I love you and I cant live without you. Please take me back! I can give it all up for you!"
"Oh I love you too!" They kissed happily and then broke apart. Hermione wiped her face.
"Oh thank GOD that's done. Ug, you'd think he'd be a decent snogger but noooo. Uck. Lucy, go be a doll, get me my cappuccino." The assistant looked at her. "LUCY! My Cappuccino. NOW!" the woman scrambled to get it as Hermione sat down in her plush chair.
"I work with idiots!"
Meanwhile, from her hiding space, the author is giggling uncontrollably as she plans the next story that will twist all of these innocent characters.
A/N: Next story…the secret love children!