Kevin Price, after what felt like hours of tossing, turning, and listening to Elder Cunningham's snoring, finally gave up and went outside just to think. The stars in Uganda would never cease to amaze him. At home in Salt Lake he could see 10, maybe 13 stars on a good night, but here the entire sky was spilling over with stars. He couldn't help feeling some guilt, this sight should fill him with pure, holy thoughts, but instead something else was eating away at him. Something that Elder McKinley had said their first day here.
He knew if he acted on these strange feelings, it would be a sin, but was having them already a sin? Was his entire reputation, which had already gone through the wringer, going to go down the toilet again? He rubbed his temples, and looked at the stars again, the thoughts racing around his head.
Sounds coming from the kitchen of the hut took him out of his thoughts. Who would be up at this hour? Suspecting Elder Thomas (his little Pop-Tarts thing has really gotten out of control), Kevin rolled his eyes and got up to meet him in the kitchen, because honestly, a pop-tart sounded pretty awesome right now. Instead of Thomas, however, he saw the district leader, filling up a glass from the sink, muttering under his breath.
"Elder McKinley?" He turned around, and dropped the glass, water and glass scattered across the floor.
"E-Elder Price, what are you doing up." He stuttered, freaking out because of the glass on the floor. Kevin grabbed the dustpan from the closet and began sweeping up the glass.
"I couldn't sleep, and feel free to call me Kevin." He smiled, and mentally scolded himself. He shouldn't be this friendly with another boy, the way he was acting, the way he felt, he should only feel this way around girls.
"Okay, Kevin." McKinley started drying the water with a ratty dishtowel. He smiled a little bit at the floor. "I guess that means you can call me Connor." All the glass was swept up, and as Kevin emptied it into the trash can, he asked.
"Why are you up?" Even in the dim light, Kevin could see the redhead's cheeks flushing.
"J-just a bad dream."
"Was it the, you know, hell dream." Connor's face got even redder. Kevin knew it was a sensitive topic, they all knew McKinley had the hell dreams often, almost every night.
"Um, yes." Kevin took a step closer to the nervous boy in front of him. This only made Connor more fidgety.
"Do you want to talk about it? I mean, it's awkward but it can't be good to keep whatever is giving you the hell dreams bottled up." McKinley was now red, stammering, with little droplets of sweat dripping from his forehead.
"I mean, it's- I doubt that- you don't want to- it's nothing…"
"It's clearly not nothing," Kevin had never been this willing to share feelings, but something inside him told him to keep talking to this boy, because he was something different. "Come on it's a nice night, let's talk outside." Kevin smiled, and the two boys walked out to the front stoop of the hut. For a minute they sat in silence, just admiring the stars. Connor sighed.
"I-I'm broken, Kevin." Connor, was wringing his hands, and biting his lip. "I'm broken, something is wrong, I-It's hard to explain, but I don't, um-" Kevin take his eyes off the person sitting next to him, he's obviously distraught, and ashamed, and on the verge of tears. He won't be able to say what he is, but Kevin knows.
"Elder McKinley...Connor… are you, gay?" The last word sends the district leader into tears. Kevin, wanted to help, wanted to hug him, to let him know that everything will be okay, that he's not broken. Eventually he just, gently, laid one hand on his back.
"Hey," When Connor doesn't move, Kevin moves a little closer. "Hey, there is nothing wrong with you." Connor looked up at him, tears streaming down his face.
"What are you talking about, Eld-, Kevin, of course there is. I'm, I'm gay, it's just not natural." Kevin puts his other hand on Connor's arm, the muscles tighten under his hand. "I convinced myself that I could turn it all off, but the hell dreams kept coming." They both sat in silence for a while, staring at the stars. "I've had the hell dream almost every night since I was 11, Kevin." Kevin could only stare at his fellow missionary. He thought back to his one hell dream, how it made him wake up in a cold sweat, and made it so he couldn't go back to sleep. He thought of 13 year old Connor laying awake, crying into his pillow.
"R-really? That's awful, you're so…"
"Weak, I know, believe me, I know." Kevin made eye contact, and tried to smile comfortingly.
"Actually, I was going to say strong." Connor looked at him in shock. Kevin felt something he'd never felt before, like someone was squeezing his heart. Was this, attraction?
"What? But I-I-" Kevin leaned closer, so all he could see was Connor's face.
"You went through almost 10 years of hell, and you're still going strong, and you are almost always positive. You're an inspiration. and just so you know…" Kevin paused, taking several deep breaths. "You're not the only one here...who is, you know,...gay." Connor looks shocked.
"You're, you're-" Kevin nodded.
"Yeah, at least I'm pretty sure." Connor couldn't move. Kevin waved a hand in front of his face. "Connor?" Kevin lightly shook him. "Connor?"Suddenly, the mission leader leaned forward, and pressed his lips to Kevin's. The biggest surprize was not the fact that the kiss had occurred, but how natural it felt, and how much he wanted to keep doing this. Connor backed away.
"Oh my Gosh! I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened!" Connor said, his hands in front of his mouth.
"That's okay, I enjoyed it, a lot, actually."
"B-but we just sinned!" Connor's hands move to his temples, his fingers pulling on his red hair.
"You know what? I don't care."
"What about the hell dreams?" Connor asked, on the brink of tears again.
"I think, I don't know, I have a theory. I think heavenly father sent you the dreams when you tried to turn off what you are. I mean, you didn't have the dreams when you were little, and-and I've never had them for being...what we are...what- what if?" Kevin was rambling, he kept going in circles. He didn't fully believe it, but it seemed to make Connor look a little better.
"Kevin?" He stopped rambling to stare at Connor. "Thank you, I mean it. Thanks."
Kevin placed his hand over Connor's, and just smiles. Connor's face softened, and the boys both look up into the sky. Right now, their secret was for them and the stars.