I messed up. Big time. I should never have offered to teach Cyrus how to skateboard, never have encouraged him. Maybe that's another thing I can't do. Teach.
Now I'm sitting in a hospital waiting room wondering if he'll be okay.
When he crashed, I called the ambulance, immediately. Whether he had lightly landed or smashed every bone in his body, I couldn't risk it. They took him in the ambulance in a stretcher, legs deformed, head smashed, and I sat in the back, by his side, head in my hands, finding it hard to even look at him.
Now I don't even know if he's alive.
I didn't have his parents or stepparents numbers, so I took his phone before the ambulence came. With no idea who to call, I rang the first name who resembled 'Mom' and desperately asked her, or someone, anyone to come see him. Turns out it was his stepmom.
"Oh my god... um I'm on the way!" She replied then rang off. It's been half an hour since then, and she arrived a few minutes ago, with her husband, and they were directed somewhere I wasn't allowed.
My next job was calling Buffy and Andi. I had their numbers, they both sounded so shocked and worried. I didn't tell them what happened on the phone, it was too embarrassing. When they arrived, they also were not allowed to see Cyrus yet, just like me, since none of us are direct family.
So we sit together, in a row, on the three seats.
"What... happened?" Andi's voice interrupts my overwhelming thoughts.
I look up for the first time since they got here, and attempt to look in her eyes... but I can't. My eyes divert downwards again. "I... I um..." I gulp. "I'm sorry." I fight back a tear. "I have to go to the bathroom."
As I run away I see the two girls exchange confused glances in the corner of my eye.
All I do is wash my face. "Calm down." I whisper, and look at my face in the mirror. "It's okay. He's gonna be okay." I reassure myself unsurely. I can see the helplessness in my own eyes.
Time to go back, I've been gone long enough.
When I return, Andi and Buffy are gone. I look down at my phone, which has been on silent since earlier. Besides a couple of unimportant texts from other people, there is one from Andi.
"They're letting visitors in now. He's... ok. Talk 2 1 of the nurses. They know ur coming." It reads.
"Excuse me." I smile at a nurse walking past. "I'm here to see Cyrus Goodman. My name is Jonah Beck, I'm one of his friends."
"Yes, okay. They said you were coming back. Right this way." The small woman leads me through a couple of coridoors to a room, and opens the door.
"Thank you!" I nod, and walk in, closing the door behind me. I see a Doctor, Buffy, Andi, and Cyrus' parents crowded around a bed, where the slim boy lays, a bunch of stuff attached to him, including a drip and a heart monitor. His foot is being held up in place, and his eyes are closed, a mask clamped around his nose and mouth.
"Oh my god" my voice shakes. "Is he okay?" It's all my fault, it's all my fault, my mind repeats. I did this to him.
"He's fine" the doctor tries to calm me. "He's alive, and his foot is broken, but it should heal soon. But I'm afraid he had some serious head trauma, and..."
"And what?" Showing emotions isn't something I would do much. I'm the cheery popular boy. I can't show weakness. But this is so important.
"We can be assured that he will wake up. We just don't know when." The Doctor swallowed loudly. Cyrus' mom has tears streaming down her face, in her husband's arms; Andi and Buffy are holding hands tightly, and I just... stare down at his face.
"It'll be okay." I say as we walk out of the room, told that he needs quiet to rest. "He's gonna wake up." I have to comfort them. It's the only way I can comfort myelf, since I don't have anyone with me.
"Jonah, you still didn't tell us what happened." Buffy turned; suddenly everything felt so interrogative.
I paused, and looked at their confused faces. "It's all my fault." I whispered.
"What?" Andi asked.
"I offered to teach him how to skateboard. I thought it would be cool if... if we could go skateboarding together." I hang my head.
"What?!" Andi and Buffy yell in unison, only to be shushed by a nurse.
"Sometimes I forget how helpless he is." I defend myself. "But that's no excuse."
"It's not..." Buffy says annoyedly.
"But you can't blame yourself." Andi cuts in, holding Buffy back.
I visit him the next day. A woman who I assume is his birth mom is by the bed, staring into space.
"How's he doing?" I ask, walking up next to her. She doesn't reply. "He'll be okay, I know it." I try to comfort her. She still doesn't say anything, just nods.
"I'm sorry for what happened. I take full responsibility."
When she doesn't say anything, I decide to stop trying. It's okay if she blames me, maybe she's just thinking too much. Instead, I decide to just watch the heart monitor, glad it keeps beeping without fail. Until I realize his Mom is looking at me now.
"Mrs..." I realize I don't know her last name. "Yes?"
"How close are you to my son?" She finally speaks.
"I, um." I suddenly don't know how to speak. "I'm his friend." I smile.
"You've never come over to my house before. I haven't seen you with him before. What did you say your name was, again?"
"Jonah! My name is Jonah Beck. Cyrus... he's told me about you. You're psychaiatrists, right? And you're Hebrew. He invited me to his Bar Mitzvah." I explain.
"Jonah... Really? I think I've heard him talking about you. He looks up to you."
"He does? He helps out a lot at our Ultimate games, and we hang out sometimes with Buffy and Andi. I'd say we're pretty close, he's cool." I tell her.
"Well it's good that you think highly of him because he thinks highly of you too. And I personally believe he needed a friend of the same gender. Don't blame yourself for what happened, he has never been very athletic." Thank goodness. I'm already blaming myself, it would be harder if other people were too.
"I wouldn't mind if you taught him again, when he's ok. Just go slower maybe." She laughed.
"Thank you."
Buffy still seems protectively angry at me, but Andi insists that we still go to the spoon after school.
"Thank you for not... iceing me out." I reply as Amber comes to deliver out baby taters.
"Where's Cyrus?" She asks innocently.
"In the hospital." Andi replies, and the door chimes as another familiar face enters, walking up to our table.
"Who's in the hospital?" Iris asks. "Oh, and where's Cyrus?" We let her put the pieces together. "Oh my god, really?!"
We nod speechlessly. "Is he okay?"
"He hasn't woken up." Buffy replies, looking at me.
"Have you been to see him?" She sits down next to me.
"I have." I reply. Buffy is looking at Iris with a strange look on her face that I can't explain.
"We were all going to go today, you could come with us!" Andi suggests, oblivious to Buffy's apparent hostility towards the other girl. "I'm sure he'll be glad to know you came to see him."
Iris hadn't noticed Buffy looking at her either, and smiled sweetly. "Sure. Um, Amber, do you wanna come?"
"Oh, me? It's okay. I have work all day. Plus, I'm sure he doesn't need me to come see him. I'll go get your food."
"I insist. I want you there with me." Iris interrupts, and Amber smiles.
"Hey, Buffy, can I talk to you for a second?" Andi turns to me confused. "Don't worry. I'm sure she won't rip me apart in a minute."
"You're underestimating me but sure." She follows me to the back. "What's up."
Shes still angry, I can tell. "I get that you're mad at me, but what's up with Iris." Her eyes widen.
"Nothing. Why?" She's good at hiding things.
"You're acting weird. Weirder than usual." I joke. "You don't need to hide it. Even if you're mad at me."
"Well, it's none of your business so just forget it!" She storms back to the table. Okay... she's mad at me, but she is way angrier than Andi. And she's the only person who's making my feel guilty. I hope this runs deeper, because I know Buffy is feisty, but she's also a genuine human being.
"We're here to see Cyrus Goodman." Andi announces to the receptionist at the hospital. She leads us through the hallways into the room I was sat in yesterday.
"He's been moved." Buffy notes.
"Oh, Cyrus!" Iris exclaims. "Is he okay? Well I know he isn't okay, but will he be?" I notice that his foot is still in a cast, but is no longer being suspended above the bed. "What even happened to him?" Her innocent head turns to us, scanning our faces individually.
"Yeah... how did he end up in here?" Amber asks. I shake my head and look down, avoiding their interrogative stares. They wouldn't suspect me, and Andi and Buffy wouldn't tell them, but I have to do it myself.
"It was all my fault." I admit. "I'm sorry."
"Don't say that, Jonah!" Andi tries to comfort me.
"Yeah, what could you have done?" Amber defends me.
"Stop." I almost yell. I want to explain what happened, what was going on in my head, how sorry I am... but I don't know where to start. I look at his resting face, innocent and neutral. Then I see their faces. Andi looks helpless, she doesn't want to think it's my fault. Buffy can't even look at me. Iris is confused and worried. Amber is curious.
"I thought he could handle it." It seems much weaker coming out of my mouth than it was in my head.
I can see them all desperate to explode, but for some reason there is still silence. A few seconds later, Iris breaks it.
"Jonah. It okay. Whatever happened, I'm sure it was an accident." She tried to comfort me.
I make sure to visit him, but not when anyone else is going. I see Andi and Buffy in school, and I try not to talk to them, just smile if I have to.
Nothing seems okay. My grades weren't the best before, but they just get worse. All I ever think is, "is he going to be okay?" Or "maybe he'll wake up today."
When he wakes up, I want to be there to apologize for everything. They say he might be able to hear us if we talk to him, but I don't know.
A couple of weeks pass, and no news of any changes.
"How is he, nurse jones?" I ask as I put my bag down; this has become routine.
"His foot is almost completely healed, but is doesn't seem like he's waking up yet." She explains. "Your friend will be okay." She sees my face is down. "His heart rate is normal, and he is healthy, he should wake up anytime now."
"Somehow that sounds worse." I whisper.
I've been telling him about life, since people say he might be able to hear things I say. It's like he can understand me, even if he probably can't hear me, and I imagine his face light up again, responding with some awkward nervous advice.
The door handle opens behind me, and I turn around, breaking out of my trance. Buffy.
"Oh, Jonah... I can come back some other time..." she sighed, and turned around, but I reached up and grabbed her arm.
"Wait!" She turns around, and I let her arm go, pausing. "Why are you so mad at me?" I ask again. "I can't forget it."
"Jonah, I'd love to tell you, but I can't betray him" she nods at the sleeping boy.