It's been three weeks, four days, seventeen hours and thirty-six minutes since you left. I keep trying to figure out a way to make sense of this, to figure out how you could leave me when everything was a mess. I tell myself that there has to be a good reason, that you would never go away without saying goodbye otherwise. Maybe it's not fair of me to be angry at you, especially after how I've treated you over the past few months. We had grown into this entire different thing, a very pale version of the greatness we once were. You have no idea how hard it was to push you away, to continuously keep you at arm's length. I thought I was doing what was best for us both, but I was wrong. I only ended up losing you – my worst fear realized. I guess what I'm trying to say is that…I miss you.
Lulu Spencer read over the words on the single sheet of paper again. Sitting in the Quartermaine mansion for hours on end, she had nothing else to do but think. After Dillon had left, she had no reason for staying away, and Tracey needed someone to look after her with Luke, Ned and Dillon all gone. She felt some kind of odd sense of duty to take care of her, well aware that they shared an unspoken bond. Besides, using her stepmother as an excuse, she was living in his room now. It was the only thing of his she had left.
His decision to leave had been one he had apparently been mulling over for quite some time, but she hadn't been privy to the sacred information. In fact, only Tracey had been informed of his departure through a single voicemail left a few minutes before his plane took off for a destination unknown. Lulu had shut herself in her bedroom for a week, not bothering to sleep or eat for seven entire days. Instead, she simply cried and cried until her body could no longer take it. Finally, Tracey had broken her way in and force fed her something. She told the young blonde that if she wanted to continue to cry, she at least needed to fortify her body enough to actually produce tears. It was only then that she had relented to any degree.
In the days after, Spinelli, Logan and Milo had tried to comfort her, offering friendship and various other methods of distraction. She had tried to lose herself in one of them or all three of them, but she couldn't. She wasn't sure how to live knowing that half of her was missing. Part of her felt guilty when she thought about how much easier it would be if he had died. At least then, she wouldn't have to know that it was her fault that he left. She could blame it on a disease or an accident. Now, she had no one else to blame but herself. It was undeniable; Lulu was the reason Dillon had left.
The hardest part was not knowing where he was. If she knew where he was living, she could run after him and make him see that there was still so much to live for in Port Charles. She could confess every emotion that has consumed her since the moment she found out that he was gone. She could stare into his eyes and wordlessly reassure him of her love. She could tell him all the secrets that she's kept, show him all the emotions that she's suppressed and give him all the kisses she's foolishly denied him. He deserved so much more than she could give him, but he had still wanted her. Why hadn't she given herself to him?
Georgie had shown up hours after he left, imploring someone to give her an explanation. The anger and hatred had been so apparent in the brunette's eyes when she had seen Lulu walk into the room. It was obvious that she blamed Lulu for everything that had gone wrong between them, and now that Dillon had left, she was blaming her for that, too. Lulu had stood there and taken every hateful thing Georgie spewed her way, willing herself to take it all in. She deserved it. Lulu hadn't just done this to herself; she had done it to everyone that Dillon loved.
Gripping the creamy paper in her hand, she flipped it over to study her careful script. Without any address to send it to, she would be the only person to ever read the words she had so carefully crafted to express how she felt. She knew that she had to confess it someone, even if it was only to herself. She needed to get it out of her head. Everyone from Emily and Tracey to Lucky and Spinelli to Carly and Jason was telling her that she needed to move on, but she couldn't. She didn't even want to.
The anniversary of the worst day of her life was coming up, not that anyone else would even remember. She had been dreading it for a year, wondering what it would feel like when it finally came. Her baby would be a couple months old, undoubtedly with a full head of blonde hair by now. Instead, she was left with a larger hole in her heart that she started with and many thoughts of what might have been. In that moment, more than many before it or many since, she wished that Dillon was there. He was the only one who could ever understand. There was so much to say but no one there to hear. It was the loneliest feeling in the world to be surrounded by people but to have no one to talk to.
Not that the others hadn't tried to be there for her. Elizabeth and Emily had invited her for girls' days, but she always felt like a third wheel. Nikolas and Lucky had both offered a shoulder to cry on, but they were busy with things of their own. As always, Luke was on the run with her mother, who was too far gone to be of any comfort at all. Even Carly had tried, but Lulu just couldn't do it. She was afraid to let anyone in for fear that they would break down the walls she had so carefully constructed. One false step and the world as she knew it would crumble around her.
Lulu crumpled the paper into a ball feverishly, shoving it into the bottom of her pocket. Pulling her soft pink hooded jacket around her, she tried to push away all thoughts of Dillon. It had been so long since she had thought about anything else that she was secretly starting to fear that she had no other thoughts. In the months leading up to the abortion and then again after, Dillon had become her world. Even if he was just there in the periphery, a mere background player, he had always been there with her. Had been. Dillon was gone.
"Hello," a distant voice called to her as heavy footsteps sounded behind her. Exhausted, Lulu felt herself incapable to look up to see who it was. Part of her hoped it was someone who would just push her into the water. She knew that she was too tired to fight and that the weight would eventually pull her under. Shaking off the thoughts, she drew her eyes upward and glanced up at her new companion.
Of all the people in Port Charles, it was the man she had least expected to see, but somehow, it all made sense. "Jason," she breathed, relieved that it was someone who wouldn't force her to talk. "What are you doing here?"
"Probably the same thing you are," he ventured. His voice was calm and even, his icy blue eyes meeting her gaze head on. Jason Morgan had an uncanny way of making her feel instantly at ease, despite his cold demeanor. He never judged anyone, least of all her. He simply allowed those around them to be themselves and accepted things as they were. "There's only one reason to ever come out here. Whether it's to think things through or to clear your head, it's the only place in this busy city where the peace and quiet can come."
"You said it," she smiled slightly. He knew without saying anything that she was looking to escape the chaos that was the mansion. They shared a link through their place in the Quartermaine family, whether it was through biology or not. Still, when the chips were down, she also knew that they would both defend that family to the death. It was the one undeniable Quartermaine trait that each member of the family possessed, even if they did not want to admit it.
Jason looked at her, seeking permission to sit down. Lulu nodded as he slid down to take his seat on the wooden planks. He shifted his stare out to the gentle rise and fall of the crystal blue waves. "I can't believe how far we've come in a year," he murmured without looking at her. "This time last year, I didn't even know Spinelli or you really. Life was so much different, maybe a little more simple."
"Do you ever wish you could go back?" she asked, glancing at him sideways. "Do you think what it would be like if you had made a different choice? We could be entirely different people, you and I. Maybe we still wouldn't really know each other."
"I don't really think like that," Jason shrugged. "I've never really seen the point. We make the choices that we make, and that's what determines how our lives go. It doesn't really make a different what might have been, only what is. It might seem simple minded, but that's life as I see it. All the choices have brought me right here to where I am. And despite the bad going on right now, I can't regret it. This life has given me a lot."
"Like what, Jason?" she asked, frustrated by his optimism. "What do you have that makes you happy? Your relationship with Sam is falling apart, you don't have your son. What reason could you possibly have for still being thankful for your life? How do you not just want to give up? It all seems like too much."
Jason looked down at his hands in his lap. He knew that it was hard for other people to understand where he was coming from. "Well, let's start with the thing we have in common. I have Carly and the boys, three people that I wouldn't have in my life if it had gone another way. I have this incredible, loyal best friend who would fight for me against anyone and her two children that I get to love like my own sons. If nothing else, they make it worth it."
"You know," Lulu remembered, "Carly always told me how incredible you were. Even when she hated you, it was clear just how much she loved you. I've never seen any friendships as strong as the one you share with her. I'm envious that you two have managed to stay together no matter what life throws your way. I'm certainly not capable of it."
He didn't need to ask what she meant, he understood immediately. "Dillon still loves you," he professed. He knew that his cousin was gone, having seemingly fallen off the face of the earth. He had worked behind the scenes to track him down, wanting to pay Lulu back for all the help she had given him in the months since her abortion. Still, even with everything at his disposal, they had been unable to track him down. "I don't know how I know that for certain, but I do. Dillon loves you."
"I love him so much, Jason," she whimpered, praying that the tears brimming in her eyes wouldn't fall. She didn't want to cry in front of him. "I don't know why it took me so long to realize what I had, but I just want him to come back. And if he can't come back, I just want to hear his voice. Maybe then I could convince him to tell me where he was so that I could go find him. Even more that I miss having him in my life, I need him in it. I need Dillon."
Slightly uncomfortable, Jason wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to him in his own version of a hug. "We'll find him, Lulu," he promised. "I don't know how, but I am going to help you find him. Not everyone gets what they deserve in life, but I am going to do my damnedest to make sure that you do."
"I don't deserve Dillon," Lulu whispered, "but I'm praying that he'll somehow still think that I do. I have never known what I wanted in my entire life. I've always been too busy blaming my dad for everything that has gone wrong to ever take responsibility for the mistakes I've made. But when it comes to Dillon, this is all my fault. He offered me his heart, but I was too afraid to take it. I know that you said we shouldn't have regrets, but I do. I wish I could take that back."
"What do you mean?" he inquired cautiously. "He told you that he wanted to be with him, but you were scared. Do you mean that you wish you had let yourself fall in love with him again?"
Lulu shook her head. "I didn't have to let myself fall in love with him again," she confessed. "My love for him never ended. I never fell out of love with Dillon. I was just too afraid to let him in again. I wasn't even trying to protect my own heart, I wanted to protect him. I destroyed his life the first time, and I didn't want to do that to him again."
"I know that I don't know him very well, but I don't think that's how Dillon would see it," he ventured. "It seems like he is in love with you despite all of this. Who knows? Maybe he even loves you because of it. I know that's how it was with Carly. Everything she did only made me love her more."
She had never heard Jason say this much or seen his heart this open. She knew that he was giving her something very rare, a little piece of himself. "Thank you," she retorted, once again bringing her eyes out toward the water. In his typical fashion, he didn't have to ask what she meant, he already knew. "I should get home."
By the time she reached the Quartermaine mansion again, she had replayed her conversation with Jason over in her mind a dozen times. She couldn't help but hope that he was right, that Dillon really was still in love with her. Silently, she climbed the steps and disappeared into her new bedroom without being detected by any of the family or staff. Peeling back the down comforter, she climbed into his bed and closed her eyes. As she pulled the blankets around her body, she imagined it was his arms around her. "God," she prayed silently, "bring him back to me. Please, just bring Dillon back."