Notes:
Follow up to (1) "Do You Ever Just Want to Give Up?" and (2) "Through My Eyes" and (3) "Strongest Together" and (4) "Time Wasted". They don't stand alone quite so well anymore - better together.
Lots of rewrites on this one but I finally got it! Having put THAT much work into only about 3,000 words… well, lets just say I REALLY feel like a writer now.
Still SwanQueen. Still no sexytimes as my awkward is still legendary. Not sure what to do when that time comes... still thinking about hiring that scene out even though it seems like an epic fail on my part.
Emma stole another quick look over her shoulder at Regina, wondering how long the awkward silence would continue. Actually though, the silence had only started out as awkward. From there it had quickly morphed into into uncomfortable and slid right on into oppressive - almost like a living thing in the room with them, uninvited and unwelcome. Not even the background diner chatter could mask it
Regina just shrugged in response to Emma's darted glance, barely noticeable, then went back to her chicken and pretended to be immune.
But Emma wasn't immune. She was uncomfortable as hell and it was making her irritable. So she kicked Regina under the booth, lightly she told herself even though it was anything but, and shot her a Do Something! look when their eyes met again. Regina scowled at her, clearly indicating They're Your Parents! and promptly won the argument they weren't having, because there was no way around that fact.
So Emma went back to chewing miserably until a brief moment later when Regina, even though she'd clearly won the not-argument, went after the uncomfortable silence with her customary bravado. "Snow, when you invited us to dinner earlier you mentioned that you wished to speak with us about something?"
God bless that woman!
Emma took a quick peek up from her plate just in time to catch Mary Margaret and David exchange looks of their own. They were incredibly obvious about the whole thing and Emma thought randomly that it was a good thing subtly wasn't genetic. Or maybe it skipped a generation - Henry had demonstrated the subtlety of a brick on numerous occasions.
"Come along, dear," Regina huffed slightly at the delay. "It simply cannot be that bad. Out with it."
Emma thought it was entirely possible that it could be 'that bad', and declaring otherwise was a foolish temp of fate. But she held her tongue, having managed to stay out of the conversation thus far. If Emma had wanted to handle this differently she should have opened her mouth when she had the chance.
Mary Margaret didn't have the luxury of staying out of the conversation - Regina had called her out specifically and she was clearly nervous about… whatever it was. She fiddled with her fork with absentminded fingers and glanced shyly between her two guests a number of times.
But unflagging optimism can sometimes lead directly to bravery. "You're right, of course," she began slowly, then plastered on a hopeful smile. "There's really no need for this to be awkward. David and I," Mary Margaret placed her hand on top of his resting next to her on the table. "We want you to know that we're ok with this." She paused clumsily. "With you… the both of you."
Mary Margaret stopped there even though she hadn't said much of anything helpful. The blank stares she received should have been enough to alert her to the fact that she was making zero sense, but she just sat there, smiling hopefully, unflagging optimism intact. She even reached diagonally across the booth to grasp Emma's hands. Apparently she expected some hard-core mother daughter bonding to begin at any moment.
"I'm sorry Snow." Regina didn't sound very sorry at all and Emma had to hold in her smirk . "I don't believe I'm following. 'With the both of us' what exactly?"
"You know…" Mary Margaret cleared her throat. "Dating."
Emma immediately choked gracelessly on her own saliva and followed it up with embarrassing wheezing breaths that had more than one diner patron glancing her way. She felt Regina go statue still next to her and swore internally. If Regina couldn't formulate a snarky retort… well then, things were bad.
Eventually Emma could inhale without coughing and look back and forth between her well meaning but misguided parents. "What?" she squeaked. She didn't even bother trying again to sound more normal. That was simply the best she was going to be able to do and she knew it.
Mary Margaret blushed furiously, pulling her hands back, and David cleared his throat. Twice. Neither of these reactions were particularly helpful and Emma threw another look, this one all desperation, at Regina.
For a beat Emma thought she was going to refuse - she hadn't twitched since Mary Margaret uttered the word 'dating' and she didn't look like she was about to recover anytime soon. But Regina wasn't really good at refusing desperate-Emma and she composed herself somehow, if only superficially.
"That's good to know Snow," Regina responded, perfectly and carefully neutral in both her facial expressions and inflection. "However, I can assure you that your daughter are I are not dating." Regina pushed gently away from the table and stood. "Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to wash up. If Ruby comes by, would you please get me another iced tea?"
The three of them sat through yet another awkward silence that Emma used to gulp down her water and force her voice back down to it's normal register. When she was pretty sure she'd accomplished that she glared at her parents.
"What the fuck you guys?" Emma practically hissed the question.
Mary Margaret stood up slowly and started towards the bathrooms in the back. "I should go talk to her."
Emma grabbed at her wrist as she went by, clearly panicked, but Mary Margaret disentangled herself easily. "Don't worry, we'll be fine."
Emma waited until Mary Margaret entered the ladies room before getting up and going over herself to listen at the door. It was sneaky and a little beneath her (not really though) but these were desperate times and desperate measures were absolutely warranted.
When Snow entered the ladies room Regina was washing her hands deliberately, sparks of anger clearly visible in the reflection of her eyes and, more worryingly, her fingertips. Snow took this in quickly, along with her jerky movements and slight frown and quickly came to the only possible conclusion. "You're angry with me," she sighed sadly.
Regina spared her a quick glance in the mirror, eyes still furious, but didn't reply.
Snow continued on undeterred as Regina's hand drying somehow became even more hostile. "I know you are. Please tell me why."
Instead Regina answered with a question, practically snarled at Snow's reflection. "You would be ok with us dating?"
Snow regarded her quizzically, expecting the concept to lighten Regina's heart and fill it with warmth and never ending happiness. "Yes," Her confusion made her voice hesitant. "That makes you angry?"
Regina whirled towards her and Snow leaned back involuntarily. The sparks ready at her fingertips were an ever present reminder of the power Regina was constantly keeping in check for the safety of those around her.
"Of course it does," Regina practically spit out. "She deserves so much better than me. You can never let her settle for less than she deserves." Regina held up her still sparking fingertips in disgust. "For this… abomination"
Regina's distress was clearly evident and Snow reached out her hand hesitantly, yearning to offer some sort of comfort, but Regina shrank away violently and sucked in a panicked breath.
"Don't be foolish." Regina cautioned.
Snow recognized the fear immediately and felt instantly stupid for ever mistaking it for anger in the first place. Despite outward appearances, Regina was capable of controlling her anger. It was fear that brought magic to the surface without her bidding, straining to protect her.
Without really thinking Snow took a bold step forward and grasped Regina's hands in her own and was in no way surprised when she felt nothing more painful than a tingle from Regina's sparking fingers.
"You won't hurt me. And you won't hurt Emma." Snow hesitantly quartered the distance that remained between them, almost certain that she could actually feel Regina's turmoil as they shared the same space. It made her chest tighten into an uncomfortable ache and she had to struggle to continue.
"I've known this part of you for almost my entire life. Not this, the magic." Snow indicated the hands held carefully in her own and still glowing with Regina's distress. "I've known your heart for a lifetime and even when you thought it had been destroyed, I felt it in you, and I knew it was yearning for someone to care for, and to be cared for in return."
Snow's eyes were compassionate as she locked their gazes. "And now it's your heart that's leading you, nothing else, and I know my daughter's in no danger." Snow's eyes grew distant. "No one in this world protects those she loves more than you. No one."
Suddenly, the fire breathing force of nature was gone and all that was left was Regina, a woman who loved with all her heart and soul but couldn't bring herself to accept it in return. She'd heard the words but accepting that she was anybody's safe harbor was a giant leap that seemed too great to chance; Snow could tell as Regina gently slipped her hands away and back to tight fists against her sides.
"I'm poison Snow. You know that, more than almost anyone. I will not tie her to me."
Snow felt her heart break for this woman as she caught just the barest glimpse of the depth of feeling she'd been burying where Emma was concerned. Snow had been right, nobody protected those they loved as well as Regina. But she was crumbling under the strain of it; it was suddenly so clear, now that Snow was looking.
Snow's hands twitched at her sides, dying to grab Regina's hands again and force her to see herself differently - to understand that allowing Emma to love her was not a death sentence for the younger woman. But she must have given herself away somehow because Regina took yet another step away.
"Please Snow, don't. I need… just allow me to collect myself in private."
Emma made no attempt to hide the fact that she'd been listening at the door and Mary Margaret made no attempt to hide the fact that she was relieved.
"Emma, we.." Emma hushed her quickly and dragged her farther from the bathroom door. Mary Margaret was too upset to remain silent for long though and she continued after only a few steps. "She suffering, Emma, so badly. I could feel the pain just standing next to her. I swear I could feel it."
Emma closed her eyes against the words; she knew what Mary Margaret was describing. She'd felt it herself when the pain was too intense for Regina to contain. It became a physical entity, like a magical fog surrounding her, and it seeped into your pores if you got too close. And to actually feel someone elses pain, not empathize with it but actually feel it as your own, was something that Emma would never, ever forget.
Emma shuddered and Mary Margaret looked like she was about to cry.
"How can somebody hate themselves so much and survive. It can't be possible." Suddenly, Mary Margaret eyes grew huge with panic. "You don't think she'd…"
Mary Margaret didn't want to finish the sentence but Emma waited her out, selfishly making somebody else say the words, and finally Mary Margaret continued. "Hurt herself?"
"Most days I don't, " Emma answered honestly, selfishly grateful to be able to share her fears. "But some days I worry." Emma felt a tingle of fear at having said it out loud for the universe to hear, and immediately tried to lighten the sentiment. "Just a little though. And not often."
"God Emma," Mary Margaret breathed out. "We have to help her."
"Trust me, I'm trying." Emma felt a smile ghost across her face. "I did manage to move in with her. I don't think she's even noticed that I haven't moved out of the guest room yet."
Mary Margaret pulled in a breath. "Then you aren't in love with her. We thought because.."
"Of course I'm in love with her!" Emma somehow managed to yell and whisper at the same time. "But if I were to tell her that now that would be it. She would shut me out completely."
Emma had leaned far into Mary Margaret's personal space as she became more agitated, but she caught herself and forced herself to lean back against the wall. She still felt like she was flying apart though so she folded her arms protectively in front of herself. "She's not ready yet. You saw that yourself; she too afraid for me, too afraid of herself, to accept that I could love her. But I know she's trying. And I can help her and I can wait… and I will."
"Oh sweetheart."
Emma was still leaning against the hallway wall when Regina emerged from the ladies room later. She hesitated halfway out the door when she saw Emma, then continued towards the blonde.
Emma eyed her up and down subtly. She was paler than she'd started the day and it was always the first thing Emma noticed when she was trying to gauge her companion. Regina could hide a lot of things from a lot of people, including Emma, but she couldn't stop herself from flushing with anger or paling in fear.
"Emma, I'm fine." Apparently she hadn't been so subtle that Regina hadn't noticed her appraisal.
Emma snorted humorously. "You always say that. You look exhausted."
Regina tilted her head towards the blonde in acknowledgement. "You're correct. It's been quite a long diner," Regina sighed and Emma positively yearned to hold her. "A truer statement is that I will be fine. Once we get home and I can put this whole bizarre evening behind me."
Emma's heart lurched sweetly at Regina's phrasing, though she was careful not to let a single emotion play across her features. She'd been worried that Regina would be so spooked that she would ask her to leave and return with her parents to their loft - her actual home.
But she couldn't quite bring herself to play it completely cool either, because she knew this evening had hurt Regina, and she knew that it would continue to do so until Regina could truly gather herself back together - in the safety of her own home and not in some diner bathroom. "We could totally leave right now. This whole evening is completely their fault; I don't even think they'd blame us."
"Emma, " Regina cautioned in a voice much lower than normal.
"No, I'm serious. This whole night has been bullshit!"
Regina shook her head and gazed at the blonde in a way that could only be described as adoring. "I can't argue that, dear. However there is no way we're leaving until I've had a piece of Granny's cheese-cake. I believe I've earned it."
Emma regarded her thoughtfully and eventually shrugged her agreement. Then, because Regina still looked more lost and alone than Emma could bear, held out her hand and held her breath. When Regina slipped their hands together after a moments hesitation Emma smiled so brightly she could see it reflected in Regina's eyes.
They slipped out of the diner a little later, satisfied with their cheese cake and not totally scarred by the remainder of their meal. Both women agreed it was a minor miracle as they settled into Regina's car for the quick trip home.
Their sigh of relief was simultaneous and was followed by an extended moment of silence that settled between them like an old friend. At some point their hands found each other again absently across the center console and Emma felt her tension ebb for the first time in hours.
As they started down Main Street Regina's voice, soft and unusually timid, broke the stillness. "I should make you go back to your parents house… but I'm too selfish."
Emma pulled in a breath and glanced at her companion but managed to hold onto her calm. In her heart she'd known that she hadn't been fooling Regina (so few people ever did) and having it confirmed wasn't such a big deal anymore. Not now that they were holding hands while travelling back to the mansion after having labeled it 'home'.
So she just smiled as Regina took her in from her peripheral vision. "Don't worry. I'm too selfish to leave."
More moments passed then they were pulling up to a stop light, so unnecessary it was laughable, and Regina twisted to face Emma. Her expression was more open than Emma had ever seen it and when she spoke, her voice held no waver or any sign of uncertainty. "You know I love you, right?"
Emma breathed her answer, not really surprised that she didn't even have to contemplate it. "I do."
Regina's answering smile was a confusing combination of happiness and sadness and longing and regret and a thousand other things that Emma couldn't identify. There were always so many emotions waring inside the brunette at any time, it was almost impossible to tease them apart. But Emma saw hope amongst them, and she clung to that over everything else.
"The rest, well," Regina blinked away the wetness from her eyes. "I'm working on it. I swear to you I am."
Emma gave her hand a squeeze and knew she was smiling as she replied, "I know."
End Note: I had a hard time writing this one, then I realized it's because the ladies are in different places at the moment and I was reluctant to allow that. Once I started listening to what they were telling me, instead of trying to force them into spots they weren't ready for, it all smoothed out.