Hegemon Vs Hedgehog. A Classic Perplexing Tale of Sex and Erosion. By juicy pussy.
A/N: I wanted to write a political drama but my dad told me to stay outta politics. So this is a compromise I guess. Also I got a thesaurus so PLEASE STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT MY VOCABULARY.
Some asshole: Mr president! Mr president! How is the coffee.
Trump: It's ok I guess.
Some asshole: That's nice. Now it's time for business. We need to expand our hegimonic influence on Mobius.
Trump: Ok.
Some asshole: Excellent... What the hell are you doing?
Trump: Watching baseball. The Astros suck this season. I think I'll increase their taxes this year. This way I break even when I bet on them.
*Sonic The Hedgehog breaks through the oval office and spindashes Some asshole through the window killing him.*
Trump: OH SHIT!
Sonic: I finally found you!
Trump: WAIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
Sonic: I'm gonna stop you from taking over our world you stupid fuck. And this time the gloves are coming off pussy.
Trump: WAIT! WAIT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Sonic: Don't play dumb you stupid piece of shit. I've lost way too many friends because of you.
Trump: Oh right the secret service. They'll-
Sonic: They're all dead.
Trump: Grrr.
*Trump reaches for his glock in his sock*
*Sonic swiftly steals it before he can aim it at him*
Trump: Bullshit!
*Just then some CIA dude breaks in*
CIA dude: HOLE LEE SHIT! IS THAT A TALKING PORCUPINE!
Sonic: Alright I've had enough of this!
*Sonic spindashes at Trump but he effortlessly dodges the genocidal blue sphere of carnage.*
Trump: Too easy. Don't let my size fool you. I'm only PRE-diabetic.
*Sonic homing attacks Trump in the stomach*
Trump: Oh FUCK! *Trump curls up in pain.*
Sonic: Had enough?
Trump: What the fuck do you think?!
Sonic: Now it's time to unleash my full power. *He summons the Chaos emeralds and prepares for the full power attack. Sonic Boom*
Trump: No... I can't lose like this. Think... Think... THINK...
Sonic transforms into a golden shower of power.
Trump: I've got tit!
*Trump stands up.*
Trump: Hey. Even if you kill me... I'll still win.
Sonic: Wanna bet?
Trump: NO!
Trump: Who the hell are you anyway?
Sonic: I'm sonic the hedgehog. And I've come to stop your tyranny?
Trump: what tyranny?
Sonic: you've sent your PMCs to kill our people and take our resources?
Trump: No I didn't.
Sonic: Give me back the chaos the emeralds!
Trump: Tell you what, we're gonna make a deal. Ok? How about this. Since you're on my turf, I'll give a piece of what America has you offer. You ready?
Sonic: I'm listening
Trump: Have you ever heard of baseball?
Sonic: Yeah?
Trump: Ok! GREAT! We're gonna have ourselves a little baseball game and whoever wins, me, gets the resources. Deal?
Sonic: Or I could just stop you here.
Trump: You're fast but can you outrun a nuke?
Sonic: Yes.
Trump: Ok well we kidnapped this stupid looking rabbit girl and if you lay a hand on me I'll have my guys kill her.
Sonic: What?!
Trump: That's right blueball. 'Murica vs Mobius! Man vs Wild! Wallstreet vs Greenstreet! HEGEMON VS HEDGEHOG! If you're too much of bitch then stand down. Anyone can win a fist fight but it takes SKILL STRATEGY TRAINING AND FOCUS to win Baseball! All of which you lack.
Trump: So baseball. Deal? Or no deal?
Sonic: Grrr.
Trump: Hey if it makes you feel better I'll let you pick your own teammates.
Sonic: Fine.
Trump: Attaboy! Now hurry up. Time is money. Shoo!
Sonic: Put together your best team. So when we win you'll embarrass yourself in two worlds. Not just one.
Trump: More like... no.
THE BIG GAME:
*Trump walks to the field* *A mixture of applause of and boos emit from the horde of humans*
Trump: Thank you! Thank You! You know, I love you too! Now it's time to introduce my team!
TRUMP: Introducing! CIA Dude! NSA GUY! FBI CHICK! And Alex Jones!
Knuckles: This will be easy. They only have humans! No diversity. They all have the same weakness. Pitiful.
Sonic: I know right.
?: Introducing! Straight Outta Coolsville! Scooby! AND! SCRAPPY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sonic & Knuckles: WHAT?!
Trump: Who the hell are you two?
Scooby: Ruh roh! Rooks rike re rotta rough rup rum runts rup rin ris rich.
Scrappy: We heard you needed some help in your baseball game. We gotta keep these talking weirdos out of our country.
Trump: Where are you from young spartan?
Scooby: Rools Rill
Trump: Rools Rills?
Scrappy: He meant coolsville.
Trump: Secretary do we have a city called Coolsville?
Secretary: What? No?
Trump: Where the hell is Coolsville?
Scooby: Rinride ra riddle ruv ra rest, rut rot rentral.
Trump: Huh?!
Scooby: *Righ*
Sonic: At least it can't get any worse.
Eggman: HOHOHO
Sonic: *Sigh*
Trump: Who the hell are you?
Eggman: Mr president! Don't you remember me? We went to go drink coffee together a couple of years back. You kicked my ass in front of everyone.
Trump: Oh yeah. Right. That was me.
Trump: OK! Anyone else wanna join my team? Huh? Anyone? Yes?
Shaggy: Like, I got you bro.
Tails: Shaggy?! You too? What about the weed? I never would've guessed you'd support trump!
Shaggy: Guess again, cuck! I've been reformed! Anything is possible. I decided I was done with cucksville and wanted to sign up to be an American citizen. FUCK YOU FRED I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!
Tails: I don't get it Sonic. I just don't understand how fellow antropomorphs could side with that was criminal!
Scrappy: Cause we ain't bitches!
Scooby: Reh! Rell rem ragain Rappy! Rell rem ragain!
Trump: Already? Let's get this show on the road.
Sonic: Wait we didn't announce our team yet.
Trump: Eh. Also we're only doing one inning. My introduction lasted a little too long. PLAY BALL!
Sonic: Knuckes!
Knuckles: Yeah?
Sonic: You're pitching.
Knuckles: Oh? Oh no... hahaha. Ohhh noooo. HAhHAHAHAhaHAhaHaha!
Ooooooh Noooooo.. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sonic: What, you don't wanna?
Knuckles: Oh no, I do.
Pitching for Scooby Doo:
Knuckles: Heeeey batta batta batta batta!
Scooby Doo: Roo're Rot Runna Rike Re Rout
Knuckles: Hahahahaha
Scooby Doo: RURRY RUP RAGGOT
Knuckles: Oh shut the fuck up you fucking has-been.
Scooby Doo: RUT?!
Knuckles: I said you're a fucking piece of shit.
Scooby Doo: Ray Rat Ragain. RIE Rare Ru. RIE RARE RUUU!
Knuckles: I'm gonna beat the shit outta you!
(Knuckles procedes to throw 3 throws that should've been balls but since Scooby is an old senile
loser he swung on all 3 of them.*
Umpire: You're out! You're SO out!
Knuckles: Hah!
Scooby Doo: RHYME RUNNA RING RU RYE. RUM RON RUMRAIN RHILE RUCK RU ROOD
Knuckles: You're out, bitch! Just like you're out of original ideas! Get this dustpan out of my sight!
Scooby Doo: RIME ROT REAVING.
*scooby throws his bat as knuckles but also seems to have thrown out his back*
cccCCCRRRRAAAAACCCCKKKkkkkkk...
Knuckles: What was that?
Scooby Doo: Relp... reese...
Trump: We're going to lose.
Eggman: Hey, hey! Stay positive. We still have time.
CIA Dude: Mr President, victory will be ours. We'll bring pride back to the motherland and all our enemies will fall to our might and influence.
Trump: Hmmm. Ok, that sounds good. See Eggplant? We're still in the game.
Eggman: It's Eggman. And yeah, I know.
*CIA Dude steps up to the plate. It looks like he's talking to someone on his earpiece. What could he be planning. Oh. He just... put it bat down. Knuckles strikes out CIA Dude and CIA Dude looks content with himself. What is going on here?*
CiA DUDE: Acceptable results.
Trump: What was that?! Come on!
CIA DUDE *Speaking to earpiece*: All according to plan... Hahaha.
Trump: Fuck that guy.
Eggman: Don't worry Mr President, I've come up with a brilliant plan.
Trump: It better be a homerun.
Eggman: Heheheheh! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!HOHOHO! A homerun? Mr President you underestimate me!
Trump: Wha?
Eggman: With this device, which I've dubbed the "Imperialist's Wet Dream", We won't just get a homerun. We'll get a homerun, touch down, a slam duck and goal all at the same time.
Trump: Damn, that's pretty cool.
Eggman: And all you have to do is push this button. But Might I recommend you do it only as a last resort.
Trump: Why?
Eggman: Because I have reason to believe the effects are irreversable. So if you press it, it may end the world as we know it. Then no one wins.
Trump: Why did you make such a stupid device?
Eggman: I can't let that hedgehog win again. My self esteem can't take another loss. I'd rather kill everyone than lose again.
*Trump walks up to bat*
CIA Dude: Mr President I'm sorry I-
*Trump spits in his face*
Trump: *Sniff*
Umpire: What?
Trump: That smell... It's gross. I can't stand it.
Umpire: Ok...
Trump: Is that Jergens? Are you using Jergens?
Umpire: *sigh* yes mr president.
Trump: Ugh.
*Trump misses the ball*
Umpire: Strike one!
Trump: I can't focus with that smell.
Umpire: ...
Trump: Oh my god! I HATE JERGENS! Fuck you!
Umpire: Sir, please calm down or we'll remove you from the game.
Trump: Yeah whatever. I bet you think you're so big don't you? You're still just a pussy though.
Umpire: Excuse me?
Trump: I'm sorry I can't take you seriously if you use Jergens. Take this moist towlette and wipe off your elbows.
Umpire: No.
Trump: Guantanimo's been pretty empty lately, how about a vacation?
Umpire: FINE!
*Trump hits the ball! It looks like it's a homerun!*
Trump: Damn RIGHT! we got this in the bag. Bitch ass losers get slain on a REAL battlefield. This is how you end a conflict.
*Trump takes the time to run to Sonic team's Dugout. He laughs at them while pointing*
Trump: Hahaha! SAD! SAD! SAD! SAD! SAD!
*FBI Chick walks up to bat*
FBI Chick: Everything is going according to plan. He'll take the fall while we reap the spoils of war.
*FBI Chick pretends to look weak and delicate*
FBI Chick: OH MAI! AH Don't konw how to play baseball!
Trump: Oh she's so adorable.
Eggman: Mr President it's a ruse! Your team is conspiring against you!
Trump: But she's so delicate and sweet.
*FBI chick strikes out. How disappointing.*
Trump: Damn. Well I guess I can't be too mad.
Eggman: Mr President if they score just ONCE, the game will be extended. We could lose everything!
Trump: Are you kidding me? They can't bat themselves out of a cave!
*Bottom of the 1st. Or... 9th? I don't know.*
*Tails is up to bat*
Scrappy: Jailbait!
Tails: ... Wow.
Scrappy: HmmmmmmLOLI.
Sonic: Just ignore him Tails!
Scrappy: Hey Sonic, be careful the FBI's right there, buddy!
FBI Chick: Huh?
Tails: Grrrr.
Scrappy: Hey Tails!
Tails: Just throw the ball already!
Scrappy: Where do you get off giving me orders? You know what, I'll end this quick. If the ball goes through your head it's your own fault!
*Scrappy throws the ball right for Tails' Head*
*Thwack!*
*WOOSH*
*CRACK!*
*Scrappy lies on the ground bleeding out.*
Scooby: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Trump: Well there goes our only pitcher.
Shaggy: Don't worry Mr president! I've played baseball since I was a kid. I even played for the bulldo-
Trump: Jesus CHRIST! WHY DOES NO ONE SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP! AROUND HERE!
Shaggy: ...
*Sonic is up to bat*
Sonic: Hm? You're not gonna talk shit?
Shaggy: ...
*Shaggy throws the ball at Sonic. Sonic Hits it waaaaay up in the air. It looks like it'll be a homerun.*
Trump: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! OH I'M GETTIN PISSED.
*Eggman slowly moves away afraid for his life.*
*Sonic runs around all 4 bases before the ball even lands.*
*Alex Jones Catches it*
Alex: BeepBoop! MR PRESIDENT! I HAVE COMPLETED MY MISSION: I HAVE STOPPED YOUR BLUEBALL PROBLEM. MISSION COMPLETE SHUTTING DOWN.
Trump: Good.
Sonic: Aw whatever. It's up to you Shadow.
Shadow: Hmmph. Luckily I managed to steal back one of the Chaos Emeralds.
Trump: He what?
Eggman: Welp game's over.
Trump: Wait what does that mean? What's happening.
*Shadow goes up to bat. But he's not holding a bat. Only a Chaos Emerald. What is he planning?*
*Shaggy goes into Ultra Instinct mode and prepares for the ultimate attack. A strikeout!*
Shaggy: ...
Shadow: Hmmph... Don't think so, pal.
*Shaggy throws the ball!*
*Shadows just standing there. Until!*
Shadow: CHAOS! *Time begins to get distorted* CONTROL!
*Shadow kicks the ball into the Andromeda galaxy.*
Shadow: Don't ever disrespect me again you insignificant worm.
Shaggy: =(
Trump: DUDE!
Eggman: Take it easy! We'll just go into overtime! We can still pull out a victory. They just can't score anymore!
Trump: GrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Amy: Here goes! *Blows a kiss to Sonic*
Sonic: Eh.
Trump: Shaggy if you give them anymore points I'll kill you personally!
Shaggy: *Gulp*
*Shaggy throws the ball as hard as can, honest to God he gave it his all. But who could've guessed that Amy's baseball bat would turn into a hammer and knock the ball into another time period. The sheer fervor that Amy showed for her homeland is an inspiration to all those who witnessed this impressive feat.*
*Shaggy looks towards Trump who is foaming at the mouth, eyes glowing red as if he had laser targeted Shaggy's head. If looks could kill Shaggy never would've existed in the first place, nor his family, past or present.*
Trump: NO GODDAMMIT! I REFUSE TO LOSE TO A FUCKING FAILURE OF A MASCOT FROM THE 90's THAT CAN'T EVEN GET GOOD REVIEW SCORES FROM IGN! I MEAN SERIOUSLY EVERYONE GETS GOOD SCORES FROM IGN. YOU KNOW YOUR GAMES SUCK SHIT WHEN YOU PAY THEM OFF AND THEY STILL GIVE YOU LOW SCORES! COME ON DUDE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT. I LOST TO BLUEBALLS INCARNATE IN AN AMERICAN SPORT. An AMERICAN SPORT! FUCK THIS DUDE. HOW THE FUCK DID I LOSE?! FUCKING NONSENSE. A BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE. *sigh* we should've just nuked them. OH WAIT!
Trump uses Eggman's device.
Trump: I don't know what this does but fuck it. Anything's better than losing.
EGGMAN: NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU'LL COMBINE BOTH OF OUR WORLDS ONTO A SINGLE POINT! THE EFFECTS ARE IRREVERSABLE!
Trump: Who gives a shit. We're all gonna die anyway.
Tails: Sonic! We've got trouble! The universe is collapsing in on itself. All of space and time in the universe is focusing on Trump! We gotta get outta here!
Sonic: We can't leave yet! The Chaos Emeralds-
Shadow: Are in my pocket.
Tails: If we can get to our world then close the portal we came through with the Chaos Emeralds, we can safely escape!
Sonic: Alright then! Let's get a move on!
GOD-KING TRUMP: Oh No YoU DoN't! YoU wIlL PeRiSh AlOnG wItH eVeRyOnE eLsE. No SuRvIvOrS! No MeRcy!
*Sonic Shadow Tails and Knuckles use the Chaos Emeralds to turn Super! Sonic Picks up Amy, Tails picks up the rabbit girl and they all fly towards the portal! With Time distorted they see visions of the past present and future all around them.
.GETAWAY!YOURENOTEVERGOODENOUGHTOBEMYMARIA!BOOM!DOCTORWHO?DOCTOREGGMAN!IbetchaYOUREtheONESwhoTOOKchocolaCHAO!ANDthisTIMEevenTHEultimateLIFEFORMcantSTOPme!GRABemBYthePUSSYiDONTevenWAIT!IllmakeYOUeatTHOSEwords!GLOBALwarmingISaCHINESEhoax!ItoldYOUimNOTaRAT
IVEnowBEENin57STATESonly1MOREleftTOgo!LEGITIMATErape!IsawMYfatherMARCHwithMARTINlutherKINGjr!SETTLEMENTSROCK!ITSjillSTEINSfault!NOBODYwinsALLtheTOSSupSTATES!BULLETproofBLANKETS!WEAPONSofMASSdestruction!IFyouCANpushITbeforeIcanGRABit!WHATareWEgonnaDOsonic!AWyeahTHISisHAPPENING!evenWITHOUTwingsIcanSTILLfly!ALLsystemsFULLpower!ITSnoUSE!ITSnoUSEgiveUP!getAloadOFthis!TERRRRRRRRRIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!wheresTHATdamnFOURTHchaosEMERALD!FINDtheCOMPUTERroom!LOOKatALLthoseEGGMANSrobots!aGHOST!strangeISNTit!PINGAS!foolMEcantGETfooledAGAIN!COMEonYAbigDRIPwhereYAgoing!YOUknowNOTHINGfool!ITSchaosTHEgodOFdestruction!YEAHwereSONICheroes!THErealSUPERpowerOFteamwork!IMtheCOOLEST!thatsEGGMAN!iWONDERwhatHAPPENEDtoSONIC!iHEARDtheNEWSaboutITonSATELLITEtv!GAYfrogs!IamTHEmostPOWERFULhedgehogINtheWORLD!OHno!THATtookTOOlong!FLAMESofDISTASTER!niceSMILE!wink!IdontCAREwhatHAPPENStoTHEworld!TIMEtoCRACKthatEGGMANwideOPEN!YEAHletsPARTY!thisGAMEofTAGisBORING!imOUTTAhere!ASsoonASiCONQUERtheWORLDiWILLpayYOU!SHITrock!IMjustTRYINGtoSELLsomeTSHIRTS!manIMdumb!CUTEcouplesGETinFREE!ifONLYweHADtheSEVENchaosEMERALDS!sighEVERYTHINGseemsSOpointless!THEonlyTHINGthatsGOINGtoGETconqueredISyourFACEeggman!NICEscarfLosers!baldyMCNOSEHAIR!ifTHISisYOURworldTHENitsAworldIdontWANTanyPARTof!WHYwhyWHY!whyAREyouBEINGsuchAbully!IdidntDOanythingWRONG!imLEAVING!YOSH!iHATEthatHEDGEHOG!thatsNOgood!AMiANandroidTOO!stayINschool!STAYinSCHOOL!getREADYtoGETschooled!EVENyouCANlearnSOMETHINGfromAsloth!
...IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEELL!
WHAT THE ROCK!
IS COOKING!
... Well there you have it. That's how I caused the singularity. Gotta say. It's not what I thought it would be. It's so chaotic. Yet, peaceful? I guess that's just life, in a way. So much bloodshed. And for what? I've caused a lot of pain in my life. I can't make amends for what I've done. But I can leave you with this:
My life is a tale. Told buy an idiot. Full of fire and fury -and frankly power. Signifying nothing.
A/N: If you hated this fanfic you can either check out my Obama/Eggman Prequel Story: Cafe de Vengenza, or go fuck yourself.