Part 20: Lost and Found

Summary:

Voyager's senior staff deal with the disappearance of B'Elanna and Harry (JC, P/ T, N, Tu, KT, D)

Pairing: JC, P/ T, N, Tu, KT, D Rating: PG-13 Type of Story: Reflective Level: 2

Part 20: Lost and Found

Lost:

When a lover is lost, the heart is torn and guilt plays a large part in it.

If only…..

Tom was in her quarters going over his portion of the sensor logs. He wanted to work in her quarters, he needed to work in her quarters. He needed to do it to keep his connection to her alive…..his connection to the woman who owned his heart

If only he was able to see what would have happened when she left for the away mission. He should have been there. He would have been able to pilot them to safety. But she had insisted on going to look for the dilithium herself and he needed to go on his own away mission with Neelix to negotiate for some food supplies, and in the end the Captain had decided, but he had been able to insist that she take the Flyer, it was a sturdier ship and he trusted it to get her and Harry home to Voyager safely.

He was so sure that she would have been alright. It was a routine mission and sensors did not detect the fact that an ion storm was coming until it had already passed and the shuttle was lost. But that was always the reality of space. Anything could happen. They could survive the Borg and Species 8472 only to be killed by a simple ship malfunction left undetected.

No!……..

She's out there and I'm going to find her.

When a lover is lost, there is also remorse.

So many things I should have said to her. I love her so much and still it's so hard to say those words to her. Maybe I don't know if she wants to hear them. No, no……..I know it's because every time I say them, I open another part of me for her to see what's in there. It's so frightening, she can see all of it; all of the hurt………and I am hurt right now….deeply. I didn't think that it was possible for me to care so much and to hurt as much as I am hurting now, even with everything that has happened in the past. I only wish that she was here for me to tell all the things that I should said. How much she has brightened up my life, how much she has deepened its meaning. How I can't imagine a time when I wasn't in love with her and how I won't ever give up on her. She is my lover and my friend. I can't lose her and my best friend at the same time.

When a friend is lost there is determination.

Harry….hang on buddy…..Captain Proton to the rescue!

It's always the heroes who get the glory. People always forget that the side kick is the one who makes it possible. He's the one who takes the blows meant for the hero, he's the faithful friend. My first friend on Voyager and my best friend.

Come on Harry……I need you back here. We've got to save the world from 4 more chapters of Dr Chaotica evil plans. We still have years ahead of us to torture Tuvok and the Doctor before we make it back to earth. And when we make it back, I want you here with me. You've wanted to go home for so long. Don't give up on us now.

Hang on both of you…..

We're coming…… I'm coming

Don't you two give up on us…

DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP.

When colleges are lost it is logical to use every resource available to locate them, especially here on Voyager

This crew is made up of emotional species. The loss of two beloved crew members will have a profound effect on all. Efficiencies will be compromised and our primary mission will not be accomplished, not by a distracted and emotionally distraught crew.

It is as Ambassador Spock said. The needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few and even the need of the one. The needs of the many to have their friends back on Voyager safe and sound outweigh the needs of the few to continue the mission or the one who knows it is not logical to expect that they survived given the odds.

When members of Voyager's senior staff are lost, logic dictates that I must do everything within my power, to find them for the good of this crew and by extension for my own good.

B'Elanna Torres; headstrong, stubborn and angry. She has begun making great strides in managing and controller her anger and I desire for her the peace that comes from mastering her emotions.

Harry Kim; though exasperating in his behavior during his off hours, he is a good example of a senior officer aboard this ship. I have seen him go from a novice officer to a seasoned one and I count myself as fortunate for having witnessed such a transformation. He deserves to live long and prosper like any other member of this exceptional crew.

Both have given their all to this crew and to its primary mission. It is difficult to imagine this journey without them.

When friends are lost logic dictates that I give my all to find them.

When crew mates are lost, the efficiency of the ship decreases.

Especially on this ship. On a Borg Cube, when a drone is lost and disconnected from the collective, it is left behind if contact cannot be re-established. Its memories remain in the collective and that is enough for both the Collective and the drone. The memories of their lost crew mates are retained by the rest of the crew; by their colleagues, their friends, their lovers and their subordinates, but it is not enough in this collective.

They are unique and are not interchangeable like drones. They cannot be replaced in the minds and hearts of the members of this crew and they must be found.

It is comforting, to know that if I "disappeared" that they too would work tirelessly and not give up. I am unique to them and I cannot be replaced. Even though I have disappointed them at times, they are always behind me especially the senior officers of the crew.

When friends are lost from this crew, I find myself understanding more and more the concept of family.

When friends are lost and you are primarily responsible for the physical health of the crew, all you can do is prepare….prepare for the best and the worst.

The Doctor surveyed the sickbay…..it was spotless, he was ready as he ever would be.

He had spent the previous hour, double checking all of the equipment in sickbay and downloaded all of the medical texts that could possibly come into play. He downloaded new procedures for people experiencing radiation poisoning, cutting edge technology on triage and even advanced burn treatment methods as well as several other possible treatments that may come in handy. To ensure that he had enough space, he had uploaded his opera, painting and all other self improvement subroutines into Voyager's database. He had however left the additions to his personality that made his bedside manner more comforting to the crew. That was one of the most important subroutines, especially now when friends were lost and possibly coming back to him battered and bruised.

Now there was nothing else he could do but wait. But he didn't shut his program off to do that. He stood in the middle of sickbay and using his program, he accessed his memory files. He scrolled through them slowly, 'remembering' the times that he, B'Elanna and Harry had together on this crazy journey that was the best thing that ever happened to him as a hologram. He only hoped it wasn't the worst thing that happened to his friends.

He left the autopsy protocols in the database.

When friends were lost, preparing for the worst does not mean giving up.

When friends are lost sometimes it's all you can do to keep sane.

Especially if there is nothing you can do to help them directly as it is not your primary function. You look at other crew members working, doing everything that they can to find them, and you note the silence that seems to be hanging around the ship like a ground fog. It even radiates outwards, permeating the hull. The stars themselves seem dimmer as they search grid by grid trying to find a glimpse of them.

When friends are lost, you begin to realize how much others care.

Even the most efficient and the most logical seem to perform inefficient acts such as re-examining sensor logs looking to capture the 0.5 error, and illogical acts such as pushing oneself past peak performance conditions.

When friends are lost, it seems painfully clear how much of a family you've have become, even though you started off as strangers. You realize how much of a bond has been formed during the journey and appreciate the fact that it cannot be broken easily. When friends are lost and there is not much that you can do, even the little that you have been entrusted to do, you do to the best of your ability. To ease the burden of those who are looking for them, to be there for them in anyway that you can.

When friends are lost, sometimes it's the only way you can keep sane is to concentrate on the mundane.

When two of your crew members, two of your family members, are lost there is no time for tears.

Kathryn chided herself with that thought. It was just that she was exhausted. She had only managed to get a minimum amount of sleep in the last week and it was taking its toll. She was the Captain. B'Elanna's lover, one of her best friends, Harry's best friend and all the rest of senior staff was counting on her keep hope alive.

To dismiss Chakotay after giving two off-hand statements about hope was to give him the wrong impression. He knew her as well as, and sometimes even better than she knew herself, but this time he might get the wrong impressions by her actions. She had pushed him away from in order to deal with her grief alone, as if she were in complete mourning, as if she herself had given up. But Kathryn Janeway did not give up. And she wouldn't give up until there was tangible evidence before her that she should and perhaps, not even then.

Grabbing her PADDs, Kathryn left her Ready Room.

On the bridge, she noted Tom was searching from the Conn with a grim determined look on his face.

When family members are lost, that's what you're supposed to do.

She walked down to the Helm and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Tom looked up at his Captain and saw the look of hope on her face.

"They're out there; they're alive and we will find them."

Tom gave a large smile. It meant so much that the Captain was not giving up. After the last briefing, he was so afraid…..

"Aye Captain."

"I'm going to get some rest. Notify me immediately if there is any change."

"Yes Ma'am"

Tom went back to his work and Kathryn couldn't help but notice that the grim look was gone.

"Come"

Chakotay barely looked up from his PADDs until he registered who was standing at his door. His hand stopped flying over his consul and Kathryn thought that she could detect a tremble as she came towards him.

"Relax Chakotay, there's no news. I just wanted a different place to work."

Chakotay did, and gestured to a seat next to him. Kathryn took it and they worked in silence for a while.

The sensor analysis was not complicated, just routine. As the sensors mapped out a grid, one of the senior officers was given the task to analyze the results and see if there was anything that could tell them where the away team went down. It could have been done by junior officers. But that thought had never crossed their minds. This was something that the senior officers had to do. They had to find two of their own.

Chakotay's eyes began to blur, so he put down the PADD that he was working on and rubbed them. Then he leaned back on his chair and his gaze fixed on the incense that he had burning in his quarters.

For a warrior, on the eve of battle to sharpen his senses.

B'Elanna had given him the incense. He wasn't on the eve of battle, but the scent reminded him of her. Reminded him of the woman who had stared off as a lost and hostile misfit and ended up as a trusted senior officer on a Starfleet crew. Chakotay pushed back his chair and went to the table holding the incense. Next to it was a small Klingon statue. B'Elanna had given it to him as an offhanded gift when they had found it on one of their Maquis raids. She didn't want the reminder of anything Klingon. He told her that he would keep it as a reminder of her, because as much as she tried to deny it, she was Klingon and that fact was made obvious by her forehead. He remembered the look in her eyes. If he had been anyone else, he might have gotten his throat ripped out where he stood. He knew what it meant. It meant that finally he had earned her trust and he always kept the statue as a symbol of that. He had used the statue in his prayer too five days ago after they had been searching for a week. His spirit guide said that there was nothing to fear. At that time he took it to mean that they would get them back safe and sound, but with each passing day, his hopes grew dimmer and he began to wonder what that statement really meant.

When a sister is lost, what do you do to keep the hope alive?
You don't try to keep the memories at bay.

So he let them come. Memories of the firefights that they had lived through. Memories of fighting with her, side by side until all their enemies lay defeated at their feet. Even the enemies that lived within themselves, especially the enemies that they were to themselves. She had been there when he was just as angry as she, and he had communed with her anger. She had tried to be there when he was finding peace and he hadn't let her at first, but recently he began to do exactly that. He had been there as she had fought her biggest demons with the courage and strength of a true warrior. She had invited him to stand with her as she fought those battles, he had been proud to do so, he had been so proud of her.

When a friend is lost how do you know that he will be found?
You just do.

He remembered when he first came on board, how distrustful Ensign Kim had been of him, of the rest of the Maquis. But after working with him that first year, he realized just how big the young man's heart really was. Harry had a knack for looking at people and seeing the good and drawing it out by just being around them. When he first came on board, Chakotay thought that his naiveté was the reason for this, but he quickly found out that it was just a trait of Harry. He lost some of the naiveté as the Delta Quadrant threw every thing it had at the young man, but he was beginning to find a certain grace. Something like the grace Chakotay knew Harry he had grown to admire and tried to emulate during their third and fourth year of being lost. Now, the grace that Mr. Kim had was not a pale imitation of Chakotay's, but one of his own, being formed by his own experiences. The man who had selected Chakotay to be a role model was working to becoming one. And with that they had moved to being friends. He, Tom, Neelix and Harry had formed a bond of friendship which he knew was different to the rest of the senior staff. Who would have ever thought that the man that he thought was a mercenary, one who he though was useless and one who he thought was too straight-laced would have become three of good friends.

Chakotay gave a large smile

Must be the journey.

Kathryn had heard Chakotay stop working and get up from the table. She figured that he was going to get something in his bedroom and went back to work. She had lost all track of time until she suddenly looked up and found that she was still alone. She looked across and saw Chakotay looking at the view port. He was lost in thought and lost in some thing else.

Kathryn thought she saw something on his face and got up to investigate. As she got closer to him, she realized that she was correct.

Chakotay felt her arm go around his waist and automatically his arm went around her shoulder. He hadn't even realized that he did the action until he felt her stiffen slightly and then relax. Then he turned and looked at her quizzically. But as Kathryn realized, he didn't remove his arm and neither did she.

"Kathryn?"

She reached up and ran her fingers lightly on his cheek, Chakotay felt the warmth of her touch and wetness.

"You're crying Chakotay." Kathryn said it so softly that she was almost whispering.

It was at that time he looked down embarrassed.

"If I had allowed you to stay in the ready room you would have seen that I was doing the same thing."

Before he could ask, Kathryn answered his question.

"I didn't want you to think that I had given up."

"Do you think I have?"

"No." Kathryn didn't hesitate as she answered him.

"It just seems like the odds are against us, but I keep reminding myself how much we have been through together. I won't accept that we've lost them Captain, I can't."

"Neither will I and that's all that matters."

They turned to face the viewport as the ship jumped to warp to go to the next sensor grid. They were silent throughout the short journey, each lost in their own thoughts, but each drawing support from one another. The hope that had been failing a few hours ago, was now born again. But it was stronger than before because they knew that no matter what, they were going to face the outcome together. They wouldn't give up and they would support each other in keeping that hope alive.

They needed some time to grieve privately. Grieving facilitated something that they both knew that they had to do; to consider the possibility that B'Elanna and Harry could really be lost this time. Chakotay had took his time to grieve before he reported the news to the Captain and Kathryn did such when she dismissed him. Paradoxically, it was after they did that, they were both able to feel the stirring of true hope and it was not lost on either one of them that in the end, they had sought out and found the other.

When friends are lost, what is needed most of all is to be surrounded by loved ones…….by family.

"Bridge to Chakotay."

"Go ahead." Chakotay held his breath and he realized that Kathryn was doing the same.

"Request permission to be relieved."

"Understood I'll be right there."

Both he and Kathryn smiled. The Vulcan had worked harder than either had ever seen him to retrieve their missing crew members. Although he would argue it from a logical point, both Chakotay and Kathryn knew that in his own Vulcan way he was devoted to the crew and staying up for ten days straight doing sensor data analysis was one of the ways he showed it.

Kathryn and Chakotay stared at each other for a little while longer.

"You'd better go."

"And I think you'd better get some sleep Kathryn." Chakotay said in reply and she heard the concern in his voice.

"I'll try." He smiled. He felt that she would.

"Bridge to the Captain."

"Yes, Ensign"

"We've found them Captain, they're all right. We've laid in a course at maximum warp."

"We're on our way."

On the Bridge, Tom picked up on the plural pronoun and gave a sharp glance to Tuvok who was doing his best to keep a straight face in Tom's opinion. Tom grinned, all's right in his world, he could afford now to speculate about someone else's.

As Chakotay broke contact with Kathryn, she noticed that he was looking at her and smiling softly.

"What?" She demanded, he tone carrying the normal command timber.

Chakotay used his fingers to wipe her one of her tears.

"Now you're crying." He said just as softly as she did earlier.

Kathryn gave a short gasp and began dashing her eyes furiously. Still grinning, he waited until she had composed herself and took his place right behind her as they exited his quarters.