Reflecting on what I've done to you!

by Abigailpamela.xx

What was going though Kate's head in those moments she was alone? Knowing what pain she was putting him through. This is set in and around always, it's my first fix so it might be totally rubbish but I gave it a shot! Not to sure if I will continue it with bits from after the storm.

right so this is my first fanfic and so it might be extremely terrible but I guess I started writing because I kinda get really sad and writing saves me from myself I guess so I started off by basing Beckett on my self a little.

in a way this TV show saved me and it is a great love story, it shows us that anything is possible, it shows us how we should always be determined, strong willed and a little childish. Let lose every so often but still remember to be serious when needed and that is because of the amazing cast!

Also I would just like to say how happy I am for Stana and Kris she deserves more than anyone to be happy she influences so many lives and without know makes then better. And to the people who are just a little bit crazy obsessed with stanathan can I just remind you it was Castle and Beckett's relationship we fell I love with first and that the reason we watch Castle not for Stana and Nathan but for caskett and all the other characters that greatly influence us

"Ahh." The sigh of relief, as she took the blade and made another incision into her delicate wrist. In that moment she felt everything leave her body, all the emotional pain she had endured through the last year, the burden of the lie she had to carry, everything good and bad. She felt free for the very first time, finally free, and then just like that it was over and she came rushing back to reality. Now it was time for her to remember, all the pain she had put him through, herself through, the lie she had told him, the lie she so desperately wanted to disappear, erase, but she couldn't! And she knew she couldn't, it had gotten too big, and had became apart of her she couldn't forget, it was now a big dark cloud that was hanging over her, and it was to much again. Another incision to escape, and another crashing down to reality. She watched the blood roll down her fragile little wrist, let the tears pour from her eyes, like she was a waterfall and they needed to escape, escape her. The emotional turmoil, the stress, everything, they needed to be away from her, and she understood their need to escape, wishing she could do the same, that she could cut herself out of her body.

All the while she thought back to that magical night they met, she'd just left a crime scene that had been inspired by one of his books, god how she loved reading his words, how they made her see that her life was worth while, how they carried her off to a far away land, the effect they had on her and now she was going to meet her hero once again but he was now her suspect not a hero.

As she walked through the shelves of storm fall books and cardboard cut outs of his so very ruggedly handsome self she was flooded with emotions!

"Richard Castle?" Her voice was stern and professional but soft and caring at the same time I guess she felt betrayed by a man she only knew through words.

He spun around to face her, "where would you like it?" As he drew the pen towards her,

"Detective Kate Beckett NYPD we need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place early tonight." He looked at her stared even, he was stunned, maybe it was her beauty that he was just mesmerised by, or the nature of which he met this extraordinary, beautiful, women who looked way to young to be of detective rank, but then he was broken out of thought when an equally as beautiful young girl with fiery red locks reached over his shoulder grabbed the pen out of his hand with the comment "that's new!" And that's how they started, how he knew her without knowing her, how he stormed into her life and changed it, changed her into the person she is now, some one who doesn't only react out of emotion who has become more lethal because she accesses the situation more, maintain her cool and find justice within the law to satisfy her self for her loss, and it was him all because of him her Rick Castle. She's falling in love with him! At first it was a slow transition but now she's completely fallen in love and she's trying to fight it because the time still isn't right she's still to broken and damaged, and that lie hanging around her. How can she tell him she remembered, that she just needed to heel without him putting two and two together and knowing everything and even hating her, because she'd broken his heart and it's already braking because everyday he's around her he knows he can't have her and god how he wants her, emotionally, physically, forever he just wants to hold her in his arms and make everything alright, watch all the pain lift from her body, look I'm to her eyes and see her and not all the hurt she hides behind, damn it he want to get a sledge hammer and smash that wall down that she's put up to keep him and the rest of the world out because after Roy she can't lose anyone else who means something to her, emotionally she won't be able to take it, she will be in a worse place then she is now, and right now she can't see anyway up, but oh how she needs him to save her from her self and the sniper, who's already tried to kill her once!

Kate stopped reminiscing over Castle and how they got to where they are today, she slowly unbuttoned her shirt, got up from the wooden flooring in her living room and walked through to her bedroom standing adjacent to the mirror she just stared at the scar in the middle of her chest, it was much bigger and darker than she remembered (she never made a point of looking at it, she felt it pull from time to time, but looking at it only made it real and she hated the scar) and once again she made another incision into her arm she didn't need to remember this hideous mark on her chest which dictated what kind of cloths she should wear. She brushed a hand through her exquisite golden brown locks and walked back into her living room grabbed a bottle of un-opened vodka from her liquor cabinet, then proceeded to sit in the middle of the room, grabbing the controller to the CD player on her way down , firmly she pressed down on the play button, the stereo screamed out mayday parade's miserable at best, as the lyrics flowed through her veins she felt at one with the song, with every beat she started to feel in control of her emotions again, but she understood every word maybe because she is miserable at best, she lost her mum, Royce, Captain Montgomery, the years when she had lost her dad to the drink, he'll even Castle, Lanie and the boys she is losing now because her personal vendetta, the song finished, and so did her thoughts about the she's miserable at best without, but then ashes remain's right here came wailing out and the tears fell faster and harder, before she knew it she had knocked back half the bottle of vodka.

The morning light fixed over her eyelids waking her from the bliss of sleep only to give her a pounding headache and a stinging arm, she looked down at the scratches and dried blood and couldn't help but feel pleased with her self, but so guilty at the same time and that moment she realised that she liked the pain, she thought she deserved it, not only did it punish her it helped her escape, now she knew what it felt like to be addicted to her own self destruction!

Within an hour Kate had cleaned up from last night, washed, dressed and put make up on, now she was starring at her window in which she had a makeshift murder board with every single detail from her mothers case no matter how small or irrelevant it seemed it was on there and every word, every piece of paper was plastered there it was like the beginning and end of her!

A phone call from Espo only made her more focused and driven to find him, then a knock at the door, Castle she thought. Well who else would it be the man who's trying to kill her wouldn't really knock at the door, he would make it known that he was there, like the last time at Roy's funeral, when Castle was a few seconds to late and the life left her body more than once, but he's here now and he will save her this time... From herself.

She opened the door "hey." A smilie spreading across her face as she greeted him, "hey." He said back a concern and burdened face starring back at her as she walked into her front room with him on her tail "I just got off the phone with Esposito. Our killer had a keychain, and he matched it to Eastway Car Rentals." The excitement and overwhelming happiness still evident in her face. "That could be one of a thousand cars." The sadness in his face had gone unnoticed as he tried to bring her down from the happiness this discovery had given her." Still determined after not taking the knock from his comment she continued "I know, it's a needle in a haystack, but at least it's a haystack, and they keep most of their licenses on file." "Kate-" the worried look still on his face, still not faded by Castle's interruptions she continued "Yeah, he's probably using a fake ID, but we should be able to narrow it down from there—" sharply she was cut off by her first name being repeated "Kate." And with the use of her first name she knew they was about to have a serious talk! "What's wrong?" The concern now plastered across her face to. But with a nervous whisper he let the words out that would probably make her hate him. "You, um…." He clears his throat before he continues the emotion was catching up with him as he reflected back to when she confessed her lie unknowing that he was behind her through the glass. "You have to stop. This investigation, you—you have to stop." And these words started the process of breaking her again, he pushed her into investigating this, he knew what it would do to her, how she wouldn't be able to stop once she started looking into the case again, he knew how driven she was to find justice for her mother, and now, now he just wants her to stop? "Castle, we already talked about this. I'm fine. I'm in control." She said holding all her emotions back. "No, you're not. They are. And if you don't stop, they will kill you, Kate." Worry and sadness and all these other conflicting feeling rushing threw her. "What are you talking about?" Still looking into his eyes wishing it was just a bad joke. "Before Montgomery went into that hangar, he sent a package to someone, someone…he trusted. It contained information damaging to the person behind all this. Montgomery was trying to protect you. But the package didn't arrive until after you'd been shot. Montgomery's friend…struck a deal with them. If they left you alone, the package and the information inside would never see the light of day. But they made one condition—you had to back off. And that's the reason you're alive, Kate, because you stopped." The sadness shadowed over her face "how do you know this?" Castle looked down full of guilt and the added pain of destroying their friendship their would be relationship and her, she trusted him, she loves him, and he loves her but he's destroying that in these very minutes "in order for the deal to work, someone had to make sure you weren't pursuing it." The pain and tears still evident in his voice, Kate looking up at him through her long dark eyelashes, the tears forming in her eyes as she spoke "are you apart of this?" In that simple question she questioned her self why would he keep this from her she trusts him with her life with everything and he's done this to her. The care in his voice as the fatherly Castle came into play "I was just trying to keep you safe." Safe? Safe? What does he mean safe she was shot in the heart and he didn't manage to keep her safe then he didn't stop the bullet then. So how does he plan to keep her safe now?

Kate walked back through her apartment filled with betrayal, naturally Castle followed her until she stopped only this time he followed her they was both crumbling to pieces this wasn't the normal comforting her when she needed someone talk, or the I've just gotten up at 2:45 am to go to a crime scene with you but I brought you a coffee and so you know what it's ok, I don't care because it you, or the coming Castle, which really means I need you to stick around to save me this was a different walk, this was a walk of endings, this very short walk now means so much to their relationship. "By lying to me about the most important thing in my life?" She had put her hands on her waist to make her look more authoritative and like she was holding up, but in her voice you could her the pain of being betrayed, she was finally broken and it seeped out through her voice and in that moment he new he had destroyed her. "That lie was the only thing that was protecting you." (No it wasn't, if he told her he could have found another way, or they could have put and end to this. All these thoughts rushing through her head) "Castle, I didn't need protection. I needed a lead, and you sat on it for a year. Now, who is this person? How do I find him?" He looked at her so confused, he just broken her down and destroyed her faith in humanity, and she was the same Beckett she's come back fighting, more driven "He's a—a voice on the phone. He's a shadow in a parking garage." The words making him sick as he speaks them. She stops moving towards her and now she felt sick and angry and sad and so many feelings. "You met with him? How do you know that he's not behind my mom's murder? How do you know that he's not involved? And how the hell could you do this?" The betrayal finally sinking in, and her voice raising with anger. "Because I love you. But you already know that, don't you? You've known for about a year." And now her lie was out and she felt so small because it was out, they had both suppressed their feeling for one another for long enough and this was it, her chance to act. "Are you kidding me? You're actually bringing this up right now, after you told me that you just betrayed me?" A questionable look on her face and annoyance in her voice. "Kate, listen to me—" daring her ears to hear him out and her brain to see past he anger and realise he did it for her but this is Kate she does not back down and she always has the final word "Listen to you? Why should I listen to you? How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?" And oh how she is mad at him but wanting to confess love to him at the same time. "How are you s—? Because of everything we've been through together! Four years I've been right here. Four years just waiting for you to just open your eyes, and see that I'm right here…and that I'm more than a partner. Every morning, I—I bring you a cup of coffee just so I could see a smile on your face, because I think you are the most...remarkable…maddening…challenging…frustrating person I have ever met. And I love you, Kate, and if…that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this." And that was it that had really pushed her, of course she cared about him, she wouldn't let him be the one she ran to when she needed saving from her self otherwise and how dare he question whether she cared about him or not! "If I care about? Castle, you cut a deal for my life like I was some kind of a child. My life. Mine. You don't get to decide." And now his ocean blue eyes had turned dark and he wasn't the care free Castle she knew, she had done this to him she had caused him to hurt this was her fault and it was like she didn't seem to care, she didn't care about the bodies pilling up because of her, or the people who loved her and how she was hurting them, because she needs justice, she needs to know who killed her mother, just to stop her pain and the pain she has caused to everyone around her doesn't hurt as much as what she was feeling, "You keep going with this, they're gonna decide. They're gonna come for you, Kate." And that shocked her a little but she was strong she had been through worse, they had been through worse! "Let them come. They sent Coonan, and he is dead. They sent Lockwood, and he is dead. And I am still here, Castle! And I am ready!" He looked at her even more hurt then before he couldn't imagine being without her she had already been ripped away from him once. "Ready for what? To die for your cause? This isn't a murder investigation anymore, Kate. They've turned it into a war." The hell she is ready to die for her cause, she has sat on her own many nights with blood and tears and alcohol to keep her company and make her happy but it never worked, and this, this, trying to find the killer this was the only thing keeping her going, in the hope that one day she can make her mum proud and for fill the promise she made to her on the day of her funeral. "If they want a war, then I will bring them a war, straight to their doorsteps." And it was then that moment after she had said them words, then he had realised he could never stop Kate Beckett no one could, only she could find the strength to say no more, she was like a addict once she got that murder mystery in her teeth and she was going to take it for everything it had "Well, I guess there's just nothing I can say, is there? Okay, um… Yeah, you're right, Kate, it's your life. You can throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you. So this is, uh…over. I'm done." And then he's going and the door slams shut and she doesn't know what to do and she's just standing there looking at the door trying to process what had just happened, and the next thing she knows she's on the floor in tears, not because they just argued but because she just felt it she felt him give up on her, give up on them and it was all her fault.

Beckett went flying off the roof, she was effortlessly thrown by maddock, but now she was hanging there. "Help! Help!" And she made a little grunt perhaps realising he wasn't going to help her he had her right where he wanted her, so alive but yet one wrong move away from death. And she hears him walking over to her as she's trying to get a grip on the wall to pull her self up but it's no use and he's looking down at her directly at her and oh god this is it he's going to kill her but then he speaks. "Actually…we know exactly who we're up against." with accomplishment all over his face and then he's walking away, and she readjusts her grip a little trying to hang on and she hears him close the rooftop door and she doesn't care that he's gone, but she needs to get off this roof, and it's getting harder to hold on and she's still screaming with fear in her voice. "Help!" And she looks down to see how far the drop was and no if she wanted to live, to see Castle again she couldn't let go she would be dead for sure. "Oh! Oh, god." Completely scared now, and this is now her fate and she never thought she would go out like this, all the times she had come close to death all the heroic times, saving the world with Castle by her side and he isn't there this time. "No! Oh, not like this. Come on." And she's trying to readjust her grip and her shoes are scuffing at the wall but it's not working. "Come on. No!" And she grunts again and looks down and the ground is warping below her and she's starting to give up hope and then all she can think of is Castle "Castle." A whisper and she loses the grip in her right hand. "No!" And she can't pull her self back up or regain grip with that hand because of this stupid gunshot wound that makes her so insecure and it's pulling and hurting and she can't regain grip because of it so she's holding on by the fingertips of her left hand and it's just Castle she wants. And then she hears him she knew he would save her "Beckett!" And she calls him in relief "Castle!" And he's calling her trying to locate her "Beckett!" "Castle, I'm here!" And her fingers are beginning to slip "No! Oh, god. Castle!" And she's screaming desperation "Beckett, hang on!" And her fingers slip further and she screams all the air escaping her lungs! "Castle!" And her hand slips and he catches her just in time. "Beckett!" But it's not castles voice any more it's Ryan's and she was so sure it was him, but I guess when your desperate you hear what you want to hear. Ryan and some other officers pull her up onto the roof successfully and she's looking at him disappointed! "Castle?" Ryan shakes his head and her heart sinks, she looks over Ryan's shoulder to look for him only to find an extremely mad Captain Gates.

Gates is bent over her desk letting her full anger out on them and making little hand gesters before each point "Withholding evidence, lying to a superior officer! What you did dishonors this city and dishonors the badge. Not only are you off this investigation, I'm putting you both on administrative leave effective immediately." And Kate needs to fix this for Espo this was her fault not his "Sir—" she was cut off in full anger and disappointment "Don't you "sir" me. You don't deserve to wear the uniform. Now hand over your badges and guns." And Kate's just standing there starring at her stunned while Espo is giving back his gun and badge and she is so reluctant. "Detective beckett?" Beckett places her gun on the table pulls out her badge runs her thumb across it, looks at it one more time and then tosses it on the table. "Keep it, I resign." Gates and Esposito just stare at her in shock as she leaves the office, walks to her desk and starts packing away and now Esposito has joined Ryan and Beckett takes one more look at her desk, her home, her family, her life, then Ryan tries to justify calling gates on them. "Javi...I had to." And Esposito walks away from Ryan, not even looking back at him, Beckett enters the elevator finally saying goodbye to this place, where she had spent nights, cried, watched friends die, and found Castle and with that true love! And with that Ryan is throwing a book across the precinct angry at himself for what he had done, angry at Esposito for letting her do this for letting her go to that roof alone, angry at Gates for letting her quit, but there was nothing now, it's to late, he'd ruined a bond between friends the mum/child bond Beckett had with him or the big sister/little brother bond and the bromance between him and Espo

As Kate sat in her car with Andrew belles in my veins playing she watched the rain roll down the window and she thought the weather spoke her emotions. She closed the car door a little to hard so it made a loud slam and headed straight to the swings, the swings where Castle forgave her once before and now there she had to choose whether to forgive him, whether to act on those feelings she so clearly has for him, all the doubts about it went rushing through her head, what if she was to late? What if he doesn't feel the same anymore? What if she regrets ruining there far gone friendship? What if she regrets not having a relationship with him? And it was theses questions that made up her mind, she got back in her car and drove fast! She needed to get there before she changed her mind. While the words were still in her mouth, she needed to tell him and oh god the radio is playing mads langers fact fiction and it's him it's always him who's been there helping through her mothers murder even though he resurfaced it, but he hang around all these years because he was falling so deeply in love with her, he didn't just hang around because he wanted to get laid by her, he didn't just write the Nikki Heat books in a ploy to get her, they were like love letters written to her in which he confessed how he feels like her through Jameson rook and Nikki Heat. And now she's in the parking garage at his building and she's getting out the car still dripping from the rain but she doesn't care, he's seen her looking worse then what she does now and now she's in the elevator on her way up to his loft and she checks to see if she has signal on her phone, stepping out of the elevator she calls him just to hear his voice, to see how mad he is at her and whether this is still a good idea but he's declined her call and she thinks I can't go back now I've come to far emotionally for this so she walks down the corridor in that confident but scared Beckett walk what she does and she knocks one the door and waits in anticipation for him to open it.

The thunder roars as Castle opens the door and he gives her an offending, unwelcoming look, to which her heart breaks a little more and then he speaks in an angry but sad tone "Beckett what do you want?" Standing there soaked she replays in a husky whisper "You" and with that she pushes past the door grabs Castle's face and crashes her lips into his, as to seal what she had just said but he's motionless, you'd think after 4 years his hands would be all over her but he just stares in shock. Kate rested her forehead against his and whisper, her voice breaking into a slight cry "I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Trying to fix what she had done to him, she went in for another kiss but Castle grabs her arm and pulls her back and looks at her tear stained face, and she's scared, what if he doesn't want her any more, what if he doesn't want all the baggage that comes with her although he's been through a lot of it with her, what if he's given up on her, on them. "What happened?" She looks up at him through her long dark eyelashes and those beautiful greens looking into his deep ocean blues "He got away, and I didn't care. I almost died, and all I could think about was you. I just want you." Her voice turning into a slight cry at the end. She leans in to kiss him but stops herself a little unsure if he still wants her, she runs her finger across his lips then he's pushing her into the door, shutting it with a bang he kisses her with such passion and then he's kissing her everywhere her neck, her face, her chest as if he thinks there will never be another moment when Beckett is so vulnerable and truthful, and he's slowing down his kissing now and he's unbuttoned her top to look at her scar the scar that ripped them apart and brought the back together and this is the first time he's seen it Kate grabs Rick's hand and places it over her scar, as if sharing it with him like every important moment in the last four years, it's their scar, they continue kissing, this time slow and meaningful and as Castle brakes a way Beckett mouth turns up into a smile and she runs her hand down his arm to find his hand and weaves her fingers through his and then pulls his hand and walks him toward his bedroom.