A/N OK, so this story is…weird. Like, really weird. It doesn't make a lot of sense (not even to me); it sort of evolved as I wrote it, and therefore there are a couple of rather large tonal shifts that you might not be expecting, and might throw you off. Sorry bout that, this writing thing is, like, well hard. Enjoy!

Kakashi was lost on the Road of Life.

Literally.

Whenever he supplied this as an excuse as to why he was late, most people thought he was simply brushing off their questions with something that was quasi-philosophical and just vague enough for people not to bother asking for details. Sometimes, this was true. Most of the time he was standing in front of his best friend's grave, filled with a sense of mourning and regret. Depressing: yes. Yet that's the life of a ninja.

Yet other times, he was – surprisingly enough – telling the truth. This may seem ridiculous at first, but once you learn that there is indeed a road in the Leaf Village entitled 'The Road of Life', the ridiculousness somewhat diminishes. Granted, 'The Road of Life' is not its official title; however 'East Footpath One' is far less poetic (Much like 'Forest of Death' is more likely to terrify children than 'Training Area 44'). Why is it colloquially called 'The Road of Life'? Well, let's just say there was a certain rumour propagated through the lower echelons of Leaf society that this particular footpath was regarded by some couples as a secluded place for them to…celebrate…the ending of the Great Ninja Wars, thus resulting in all the baby booms after each of these strife-ridden periods. This rumour was nonsense, of course (Delving into why this idea existed in the first place is another story, stretching all the way back to the First Hokage's inauguration). However, the rumour does contain some truth, in that it is a very secluded road; in part due to the intense concentration of flora and fauna, in part due to the fact that whoever constructed the pathway decided to do so in a very nonsensical manner: that is, roughly a mile away from anything even remotely useful. And Kakashi was lost on it.

Now you may be asking why such a powerful and highly-regarded shinobi is lost – in his own goddamn village – and that's a fair question. The answer is: Kakashi wasn't trying to keep track of where he was. If he were, no doubt he could do it instantly. After all, there are numerous ways in which a ninja is taught to navigate: Maps, memory, the position of the sun, direction of the wind, wildlife, natural landmarks, enormous plumes of smoke rising from your ravaged homeland, the consistency of moss on the local Greenwood trees…you know, usual stuff. Kakashi, being a top ranking Jounin, was well versed in all of these methods. But he wasn't in any sort of hurry (having said that, he vaguely remembered having to meet someone or other…perhaps his team? Who knows.) And he was perfectly content where he was.

After all, the Road of Life was beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that Kakashi wouldn't be surprised if the seedy rumour were true; how could this place not inspire spontaneous love-making? Enormous Greenwood trees dotted the landscape, each bursting with vibrant, colourful foliage; the grass rippled in the wind like waves on water; sparrows and robins and thrushes twisted and twirled in the breeze, amongst the bright green leaves that danced above the treetops – as though saluting the village that was named after them. Kakashi was surprised and, quite frankly, a little disappointed that more people weren't lost on the Road of Life. Did it matter where the road was, or ended up, if the journey was this glorious?

…At this point Kakashi realised he was getting far too philosophical for a highly-trained killing machine, and decided to take a break.

He briefly looked around and saw what looked to be a relatively comfortable patch of grass, perfectly suited for stretching out and reading a gripping piece of modern literature (Porn). And stretch out he did! Kakashi felt whatever tension was left in his muscles (from a combination of his last mission and stopping Naruto from murdering the latest escaped pet he was tasked with 'rescuing') leak out like air from a balloon. He let out a mighty yawn and, with a devious grin, he reached for his not-so-guilty pleasure…

…only to find it conspicuously missing.

Feeling his sense of comfort drop out of him like a stone, replaced by a swelling feeling of dread, Kakashi fumbled around his equipment satchel searching for his cherished masterpiece of erotic reading, but to no avail. He proceeded to empty out not only the satchel, but every single pocket on his body, followed by the removal of all his clothes (He was, naturally, spotted by a passer-by, which did not help any attempts to quell the aforementioned rumour) in a frenzied parody of a strip-search. This mission, however, was destined to fail – the only thinks that turned up were scrolls and weapons. Handy for murder, not for entertainment (Well, that may be debatable). Upon the realization that he had left his abode without his favourite (only) form of entertainment was something he simply could not abide. He promptly made the decision to get up and rush home as fast as his magical ninja-speed would allow him.

Only, the masked shinobi found himself under the influence of an overwhelming compulsion to simply lie back and rest for a few more minutes. It was almost as if his mind and body had been invaded by some sort of smog, dulling anything except the inescapable need to chill. This struck Kakashi as rather odd. Being the battle-worn, intensely trained, nigh-indestructible weapon he – and many others – considered him to be, suddenly finding himself not wanting to do anything was undeniably strange. Especially when 'anything' involved his precious 'Make-Out Tactics' (the pursuit of which once spurred him to literally tear down a castle). Yet here he was. Kakashi rolled onto his side, considering his predicament.

After several minutes of, well, considering his predicament, he discovered that not only could he not find the energy to get up and solve his problem, but he could not find the motivation to even dwell on the problem in the first place. In fact, all of the problems that had been worrying his mind recently seemed to dissipate. Kakashi would have considered this Strike Two on the list of 'things that didn't make a lick of sense', but, as we've covered, he didn't care. So Kakashi simply stared ahead of him, choosing to focus on a particularly long blade of grass reaching up in front of him.

'Watching grass grow', isn't that the expression? Kakashi mused to himself. Whenever people use this expression, it is generally nothing more than a metaphor; the idea being that watching grass grow is tantamount to doing nothing at all…but Kakashi had nothing better do to (or rather, nothing better to care about…you know what I mean), so he thought he might as well try it. After all, had anyone ever actually watched a blade of grass to find out if observing its growth was a worthwhile activity? It would be a little unfair of me to knock something before I've tried it. And with that thought, Kakashi resolved to spend the rest of the day watching grass grow…Yeah.

After what felt like an hour, but was actually fifty-five minutes, Kakashi had abandoned any sort of casual mentality and was now completely absorbed in watching this single blade of grass. If anyone on his ridiculously long list of enemies were to happen upon him now, they would find it almost childishly simple to finish off their nemesis right then and there. Then again, some of the more experienced of these foes would most likely assume this was some elaborate trap, or genjutsu, and would decide to play it safe until he was on their turf. So in all honesty he was actually fairly safe.

Anyway.

Kakashi had been staring at this blade of grass for nearly an hour, meticulously observing for any sort of change. He had even lifted headband to reveal the mighty Sharingan so that nothing would escape his attention. Well, nothing grass-related anyway. The fact was, Kakashi was so absorbed in this most noble of activities that he wasn't even disturbed when the Hokage's office was struck by a freak bolt of lightning; or when Kiba and Naruto nearly tripped over his outstretched legs at high speed, covered in purple paint and screaming their heads off; or when Gai jumped out of a nearby tree in order to challenge him to a duel (And before you ask, yes: with swords) and refused to leave until he did…only for an enormous bird to swoop down and carry him off into the distance. The Uchiha were most likely rolling over in their mass-grave on account of this flagrant misuse of their most powerful weapon – but they were all massacred by a thirteen-year-old, so what do they know.

It was then that Kakashi started descending back into philosophical discourse. Why does this blade of grass grow? Why is it here? Perhaps it was created by elaborate coincidence…or maybe a creator? Does that mean humans are any different? Are we simply subjects to be studied, much like he was studying the grass? Is there some colossal being in the sky, looking down on us? Are we naturally born, or simply grown, to satisfy the curiosity and boredom of someone else? What does that mean for reality? Is anything real? Perhaps reality is nothing more than an enormous elaborate genjutsu, designed to –

That's it! Genjutsu! How did I not think of that?

The answer came to Kakashi like a bolt of lightning that didn't strike the Hokage Tower. Clearly this sudden apathy was the result of a genjutsu planted over the area! Clearly a very advanced genjutsu, to affect his thoughts and feelings, not solely his perception of the world. However, this revelation did nothing to solve his problem, and once again he was consumed by intellectual ramblings concerning the nature of this plant and its place in the world. How the grass grew, how it conformed to nature, and how nature to it – an understanding of harmony and how delicate the balance of nature was came sweeping over him –

But surely if I recognise that this is a genjutsu, then that must be the key to unravelling it!

Came sweeping over him like the wing of an enormous bird, ensnaring his senses, engulfing his every thought –

Now that I'm thinking about it, there are plenty of weaknesses – fairly obvious ones, at that. For a start, there was how sloppy the whole introduction of this entire predicament –

-His every thought, like a mighty tidal wave that purged his mind of feeling and worry, filling him only with a sense of awe and wonder as he was confronted with the majesty of the universe –

- I mean, come on, I NEVER forget my porn, I mean, literature –

- the majesty of the fucking universe, how sublime and yet how infinitely majestic it was, how every person and thing came together and fell apart on the edge of oblivion like raindrops on –

And hopefully once the genjutsu is dispelled all this poorly written pseudo-intellectual nonsense will finally stop…

Like raindrops on the hurt feelings of the narrator…

Sorry, but it's kind of true.

…the memories of his dear companions came rushing back like apes swinging on vines towards the glimmering light of freedom and despair –

That didn't even make sense!

- the burning of the stars etched onto the back of his mind like the engravings left behind by the shinobi of old, burning across the twinkling daylight like falling stars, that tore across the sky like the scar across his eye –

That is not an improvement.

- Falling stars that impacted onto the surface of the planet, belching up tons and tons of ash and dust into the atmosphere, blotting out the sun and suffocating generations of wildlife, while tsunamis travelled around the globe, obliterating all that was left of civilization –

Oh, come now, that's just childish.

…

Come on, you've had your fun.

…after which the genjutsu holding Kakashi down was instantly and inexplicably released.

Thank you.

And so, free from any more floral distractions, Kakashi pulled out 'Make-Out Tactics', which he most certainly did not leave at home, and began perusing the familiar pages, with a grin on his face, a hand behind his head and not a care in the world.

Omake

The blade of grass looked up.

'What the fuck is this red-eyed freak staring at?'

A/N OK, like I said: weird. Don't hold it against me, I was bored. Anycrap, I hope you enjoyed that; review if you like. Or not. Whatever. It's cool.