I Didn't Ask for This

Chapter 1: Hey Nick, Let's Get Fired!

"Hey, Nick. Hey, hey!" The young man whispered to the cubicle right across from him. He could see Nick angrily typing up reports before turning to him and shushing him. "C'mon, Nick!"

"No, Luke," Nick growled. "Shut up! The last thing I need is Carver getting on my ass about these reports. I need to get them done." Luke sighed before turning back to his own assignment of typing. God, this is so boring, he thought as began to move his fingers on the keyboard. What if I'm stuck here for the rest of my life doing this shit? What if I just spend the rest of my life working under some asshole in an office? No, Luke, you're only twenty-four you got plenty of time to go off and- Wait! He had by this point stopped typing and began staring off into space. It was a terrible habit he had, but he never had the time to break it. Successful people start their business when they're young, right? Bill Gates was young when he made Microsoft. Steve Jobs was young when he made Apple. They're some of the richest men in the world right now! A lightbulb in his head went off at that moment and there was no stopping him now. Why did I just think of this now? The assignment had changed at that point. It went from typing up reports to trying to get fired, and boy did that escalate quickly.

Luke looked at Nick who at this point had stopped typing and was glaring at him. Luke manically grinned and pulled out a piece of paper from his drawer. He grabbed his pen that was next to the keyboard and began to draw. Now, Luke knew Nick always had a soft spot for Dick Butt. For some reason, Dick Butt just seemed to make him bust out laughing for no reason. Even the thought of Dick Butt made Nick almost lose it. Now, Luke also knew Nick hated his job and was only staying because he needed financial stability for the rent they were paying. Well, he won't need financial stability after this, Luke thought as he finished his drawing. He folded it up into a paper airplane and threw it into Nick's cubicle. He could see Nick opening the paper up and immediately cracking up.

"Dude," Nick chuckled. "Alright, you got me. That was pretty funny, but we really should get back to work now. Troy is probably gonna come in any minute and be on our asses." Luke quickly grabbed another piece of paper and drew another Dick Butt. He threw it over again to Nick and watched him get frustrated. "You're an ass, Luke."

Luke sighed. He needed Nick to crack and join him on his shenanigans if he wanted this to work. Luke grabbed about ten more papers and drew Dick Butts all over them. The next thing Nick saw was a legion of paper airplanes coming his way. Luke could see him fuming and crumpling them up. Nick grabbed his own paper and began to draw on it. About twenty paper airplanes filled with Dick Butts were on the floor of Luke's cubicle in a matter of seconds. Five minutes had passed and now Dick Butts were everywhere. They had used up all their paper, but it felt so good to do it. The complaints were already coming in from their co-workers. Reggie was yelling about how his report on blueberries was ruined because he accidentally stapled Dick Butt onto the final draft and forgot to save it on Word. Alvin was complaining about all the trees that were brutally killed for a joke that not even a four year old on crack would find funny. It was chaos in the office at that point and it was all because of Dick Butt.

"Oh my god!" Nick cried as he hid under his desk. "This is all your fault, Luke! We're gonna get fired and we're gonna be livin' in a cardboard box on the street!"

"It's your fault too, man," Luke started. "You didn't have to draw Dick Butt, but you did. You choose this and now you have to face the consequences of your actions." Nick groaned and hid even more but he looked awkward doing it because he's freakishly tall. The door to the manager's office opened and everyone's breath hitched. Troy was here. Carver's little bitch had arrived. There was dead silence as Troy walked around the office; glaring at everyone with his beady eyes. He picked up one of the airplanes and opened it up. He immediately threw it to the ground and ran back into manager's office. He was going to get Carver.

"Oh my god!" Nick cried again. "This is how we're going to die! Carver is gonna come in here any second and we're gonna die."

"Dude, shut up!" Luke snapped. He hated to admit it, but Luke was terrified too. "A'ight, we're gonna be fine, Nick. We're gonna be fine…"

The door slammed open so hard that Luke thought the wall was busted. Carver stomped into the room and picked up the crumpled paper Troy threw. He looked at the drawing and immediately ripped it up. Nick began to hyperventilate from under his desk and Luke's pants began to get wet. Carver slowly made his way around the cubicles, glaring at everyone.

"Who's been drawing dicks?" He finally said after a couple of minutes. Everyone looked at each other in pure fear. "I'm not gonna ask again. Who's been drawing dicks?" Troy snickered at Luke and pointed at him.

"It was Luke and Nick, sir." Troy started. "Only they would do somethin' like this." Luke turned and looked at Nick with pure fear in his eyes. Nick was crying and rocking himself in a fetal position. Carver sneaked around to Nick's cubicle and kneeled down at his desk.

"You want to come out and be a big boy about this? Cause, I'll drag you into my office if you don't." Carver said sternly. Nick slowly began to get up and attempt to crawl out. He hit his head a couple times…what a loser. Tears were streaming down his face and he was shaking. After Nick was out from under the desk, Carver turned to Luke. "Boy, you're in a heap of troub-"

"Oh my god!" Troy exclaimed. He was still pointing at Luke, but his finger moved down to his pants. "Did he piss himself?" Luke looked down to see his pants now soaking wet, especially near his crouch. "Dear god, he actually pissed himself!" Carver and Troy began to laugh hysterically at the younger man. Some of the other people in the office joined them. Nick looked at Luke in pure shock and pity.

"C'mere, Luke," Carver said as he grabbed Luke's collar and dragged him to his office. "Let's chat."

Carver's office was a nice ass place. It had a flat screen TV, a fish tank, a soda machine and massaging chairs. But, to get there you had to go past the secretary, Bonnie. Luke was internally screaming at this point. He had liked Bonnie for years and they were finally starting to talk. If she saw that he had pissed his pants his chances would be done. Dead and gone with the wind. He grabbed a stack of papers from Alvin's desk as they left and kept it close to his crouch. Nick was quiet and was biting his nail so hard, Luke thought he would rip it off. They walked into Carver's office and sure enough, Bonnie was there. She waved and smiled at Luke before noticing what was going on. Luke tried to wave, but his papers and he was exposed. Bonnie looked at him in shock and horror before quickly returning to her work. Well, there went his chances with her.

They finally got to the main room and Carver quickly slammed the door. An eery silence came over them as he sat down at his desk. He motioned them to sit down in the chairs across from him.

"Not you though, Luke," Carver said calmly. "I don't you're piss stainin' my furniture." Nick awkwardly sat down and Luke began to twiddle his thumbs. "Nice place I got here, isn't it?"

"Uh…yeah." Luke started. "It's a very nice office…"

"Why thank you, Luke." Carver said as he brought out a bowl of blueberries. "Would you boys like some blueberries? Their fresh; straight from the farm."

"S-sure," Nick started as he reached out to grab some. "Thank you so mu-" Carver quickly slapped his hand away. Nick reeled back in shock and pain.

"Did you think I would be treatin' y'all so nice?" Carver started angrily. "Do you know why you boys are here?" Luke and Nick stared at each other and silently decided who should speak first.

"Uh…" Nick began. "We-We drew dicks everywhere."

"Yes, and why did you draw them?" Carver asked.

"They obviously have repressed homosexual feelings they need to let out." Troy stated matter-of-factly. Carver turned to him and glared at him.

"Troy, shut up!"

"We drew them because… We drew them because…" Nick turned to Luke for support. Luke walked over to Carver and slammed his hands on his desk.

"We want to get fired!" Luke demanded. Nick turned to Luke in horror and began to shake his head.

"N-No!"

"Y'all want to get fired, huh?" Carver started. "Is that what you boys want to do? You wanna get fired?" Luke slowly shook his head up and down. "Oh, okay then. I may not be a genie, but I can certainly grant that wish. Luke, Nick, you're both fired! I want your asses out of here in fifteen minutes." The two younger men began to slowly walk out of his office.

"We're gonna be your rivals, Carver!" Luke cried as he walked out. "We're gonna one up you and become the richest men in America."

"I highly doubt that, son." Carver replied as he began to watch TV.

"You'll see!" Luke exclaimed as Nick dragged him out. "Y'all see!"

"What the hell did you do to us, Luke!" Nick cried as he slammed Luke to the wall. "We're fired, Luke! How are we gonna pay the rent for the house? How are we gonna afford groceries and shit like that, huh? How am I gonna explain this to Pete?" He pulled his arm back and prepared to punch his friend. Luke quickly blocked and countered him before reversing the roles. He slammed Nick into the wall and held him until he calmed down.

"Look at me, Nick." Luke whispered. "We're gonna be fine, alright. We're gonna start our own business and it's gonna make Carver cry. I got the plans and everything, Nick, but all I need is you. Will you help me with this?" Nick hesitated for a couple of seconds before responding.

"What else do I have to lose?"

"That's the spirit, man!" Luke cried as he held him even closer to him. "Nick, we're burnin' daylight! Let's get outta here and-"

"Get a room you two!" Troy cried as he headed out of the office. "You two are so gay you make Boy George get uncomfortable."

End of Chapter 1. Next Time On 'I Didn't Ask For This.'

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"There's a dick in my boot!"

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"I wouldn't kill Cujo…"

"If a tree falls down in a zombie apocalypse would people hear it?"

"What's your name, kid?"

"Clementine…"

"You were named after a fruit? That's hype as shit!"