This is it, goodbye
Things have been going downhill for a while now, ever since Iain broke up with me. I'm not a psychopath. I'm not. I don't even know why I did it anymore. I loved him. He played with my heart. That's why. Everybody glares at me and mutters things thinking I can't hear. I know they're gossiping about how crazy I am.
I couldn't quit my job because i loved it. I wanted to help people. People who feel alone.
I've been through everything. Having a paedophile for a husband, who gets put in jail for it. And who then comes out and expects me to forgive him. I told everyone he was dead. That's how much he meant to me. I've un covered my boss in a court case. She hated me for that. I've done stupid things as well. I pretended to my ex-boyfriend that my ex-husband had beaten me up to make him feel bad for leaving me. I thought he might take me back. Say sorry. Hug me again.
He didn't. And now no one looks at me the same way again.
At least I have my girlfriend, and practically a daughter. They forgive me for what I've done , connie took me in. Then it turned out I loved her. And then it turned out she loved me too. Grace was a bit mad about it at first, she didn't wanna be made fun of for having gay parents at school.
Then when she came to terms with it she thought it was pretty cool. SHe said having two mums and one dad means that she'll never be alone.
And she said i was fun. The last thing I had been called before that was mental or crazy. Even though things at home were great, not even that. Brilliant. Fantastic. A dream come true. things at work aren't, I can't just quit. I can't.
Everyone hates me and I'm not even sure if connie has forgiven me. Maybe she secretly thinks I'm crazy and pretends to love me because she pities me. I don't know, I'll never know.
I wanted to be remembered for a good nurse, that's why I never resigned. But there's no going back from a crazy psycho nurse. Now I just want to be forgotten. I don't want to be remembered for anything. I want to die. I want to drift away and forget everything.
Maybe I'll start again in heaven. Well probably hell.
Connie and grace have gone out. We had a fight and she said she was going out and she was taking grace with her. I cried for a bit, but then I realized it shouldn't be me that's crying. I've hurt them, not the other way around. She called me crazy for acting so off with her, and being 'ungrateful'. She had tears in her eyes and I know she didn't mean it. But that wasn't the final straw. The final straw was the part about realising that i'm going to mess it up. Eventually I'll ruin their life too.
They're never gonna see me again, and I'm never gonna see them again. I'm writing a note for them, in my best handwriting I want them to know how much I love them. Not anyone else.
Just connie and grace.
Dear Connie & Grace,
I'm sorry to leave this way. I went on for as long as I could. But my time is up, I can't take much longer. I don't know what to say, as I've never done this before.
I've taken pills from the ED, so don't worry I won't be in any pain. I'll just go to sleep and not wake up. I enjoyed every second I spent with you. None of this was your fault. I just don't want to hurt you two as well. I love you way too much. Tell Grace that she's the best little girl I've ever met, and seeing her happy means the world to me. I don't want to upset you, If anything I hope this makes you guys stronger.
I held on for as long as I could. But now it's my time. Live life as you were before, I'll look over you, like a guardian angel. Just remember, you meant the world to me. I'm sorry.
This is it, Goodbye.
Rita Freeman x