Title: The Darkseid of the Moon, or Crack, Crack, Crack (and Also, Some Attempted Noncon and Forced Nakedness)
Author: Lost in a Dark Wood
Word Count: 681 words
Genre: CRACK!
Rating: K+ for nakedness and an alien attempting to make them do "it".
Summary: Aliens made them do it. Except for the part where "them" are Amanda Waller and Batman and "it" is have sex. Darkseid, what ever could have possessed you to make you think this was a good idea? Crack.
Disclaimer: This is not the crackiest thing I have ever written (that's probably "Dark Crackfic of Doom"). Nonetheless, I am not responsible for any injury to your person, body, or intelligence that you may suffer from reading this fic. You've been warned.
Author's Notes: Somehow some people at the YJ Anon Meme started talking about Amanda Waller and Batman… erm… copulating… eventually Darkseid got in on the action—not remotely what I meant. (Though you're welcome for the image. It'll be $50 for the brain bleach.) Anyway, then this happened.
And now for our feature presentation:
The Darkseid of the Moon
or, Crack, Crack, Crack
(and Also, Some Attempted Noncon and Forced Nakedness)
In retrospect, the solution was obvious. He still deserved credit and adoration for thinking of it, but it was obvious.
So far, those he'd culled and called to take his banner had been disappointments. Orion was tainted by High Father's weakness. Kalibak was a worthless beast. Kal-El had come close, closest of all, but his heart was weak and his fists dangerous. Kal-El, once freed of Granny's power had come dangerously close to destroying him. He would have accepted defeat, but Kal-El was too weak, even for that.
And then there was the Flea. The Flea whose bones were brittle and whose flesh was soft. And yet, with his brittle bones and soft flesh, the Flea had managed to evade him, he who was God. And the Flea had done more than that. The Flea had cowed Kal-El, and with nothing more than his brittle bones and soft flesh, the Flea had defeated the only force in the universe strong enough to come anywhere near close to defeating the God of Apokolips.
So there it was: the second most powerful thing in the universe: the Flea. The approach that had failed with Kal-El would fail with the Flea.
The Flea was useless to him.
But the Flea's spawn, that would be another matter entirely. And so the God of Apokolips began to plot. All that he needed was the other half.
At first, he had thought of the Amazon. She was almost as strong as Kal-El. But the Amazon, in truth, was no real match for either Kal-El or the Flea. And then, one day, there was a woman who fought the Flea to a standstill. That was all he needed. The last piece.
It took years of planning. The Flea was not easy to catch unawares. But finally, it was done, the technology was completed, and the Flea and the woman were taken from Earth in the same instant, their clothes and weapons atomized, and they were put in the Inescapable Pit. Even the Dread God of Apocalypse could not have escaped it.
When they came to, he explained what he wanted.
The woman had been the first to react.
"You're kidding, right?" she asked.
"Darkseid does not kid," he informed her. "You should be honored. Your child will rule the universe besides me."
"You don't know the first thing about human anatomy, do you?" the woman asked, her arms crossed against her naked chest.
"Male, female, insert tab a into slot b, nine months," Darkseid answered, as if to prove his superiority.
The woman laughed. Had she not been integral to his plan, Darkseid would have vaporized her with his Omega beams. Later, once he had what he wanted, he would throw her into the agony matrix. She pointed to herself: "Menopause." Then she pointed her thumb at the Flea. "And pretty boy over there got a vasectomy eight years ago."
These words were meaningless to Darkseid. "Take the time you want. The Pit is Inescapable. I will have what I desire."
What Darkseid failed to take into account was that the woman was Amanda Waller and the Flea was Batman. It took them twenty minutes to escape the Inescapable Pit, and three more hours to set the entire planet on fire. All this they did naked. Darkseid shook in terror as these two entered his ruined throne room and demanded to be boom-tubed back to Earth. They were still naked.
Batman held a bomb detonator in his hand, lazily. If he pressed it, Apokolips would go the way of Krypton.
"You wouldn't," Darkseid stuttered.
The Batman smiled. It was somehow even more terrifying without the cowl. "That's true."
"But I would," Waller said, and Batman handed the detonator to her.
Darkseid, defeated, gave them the boom tube and was glad to see them off his planet. Later, after all the fires that weren't supposed to be raging had been put out, he had his minions research the things the Waller woman had said. When he found out what menopauses and vasectomies were, he breathed a sigh of relief.
Author's Notes: Reviews are love.