Slide

by Helen Cly

Wesley has to learn to forgive before he can be forgiven.

Title: Slide
Author: Sobia Helen
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Angel: TS' or anything affiliated with it.
Rating: PG
Status: Completed.
Distribution: Want. Take. Have. Just, ask first: AphroditeH@aol.com
Summary: Wesley has to learn to forgive before he can be forgiven.
Spoilers: Everything up to 'Sleep Tight.' References to 'Five by Five.'
Dedication: To Jess for the wonderful beta. To Jenny 'cause she loves Wes. And to Ally and Sara just 'cause.

03-23-02


~*~

It was all a daze.  The more Wesley thought about the events of the last few weeks, the more perplexed he became.  The days all blended into each other which in turn leaked into his dreams and nightmares, until he couldn't remember what had happened.  Or why it had. 

After he found out what had happened to Connor, he had instantly known that it was all his fault; more importantly, he had known that they all blamed him too. 

Wesley accepted that; he deserved it.   He deserved that and every vicious word they might have said to him; but no one had.  Which had only served to intensify his guilt. 

He had been in the hospital for a little over a day when the first of them visited; it had been Gunn.  He did not say much, but Wesley heard the accusations unspoken.  Gunn inquired about his injuries, carefully avoiding the subject Wesley knew he wanted to talk about. 

He had told Gunn about the prophecy.  Gunn listened silently and when Wesley was done, he had only said that Wesley should've told him.

And surprisingly, that was the first time Wesley thought that telling them had been an option.  But he had opted not to tell anyone.   He also realized that Gunn had perhaps been more hurt by Wesley not trusting him enough to tell him about the prophecy than he had been by the event itself. 

He had pondered over that for several hours after Gunn left.   And try as he might, he was unable to find a reason why he had not told anyone.   It seemed that everything after he found that prophecy was a daze.  He couldn't remember why he had done what he had.  He knew he had tried to protect Connor, but he couldn't remember why he had appointed himself his lone protector, keeping an eye always on Angel and Connor. 

Surely, if Angel had wanted to devour Connor, Wesley would not have been able to stop him.  Yes, he decided, telling others would definitely have helped. 

He had wondered for a while how things would have turned out if he had told them, but he had stopped, knowing that he couldn't change the past. 

But he could shape the future still, and he had resolved to make things right with Angel.  If Angel ever wanted to see him again, that is; if Angel didn't kill him first.   And he almost wished Angel would.  Only then would he be put out of this agony. 

Cordelia had been the next to visit.  She was more verbal in her accusations, but never without sympathy or concern for his well-being.

Angel was the only one who had not visited Wesley the entire week he had stayed at the hospital, but Cordelia claimed that Angel did ask after him.  He didn't think he believed her.

It had taken a little over a month for Wesley to be allowed back at Angel Investigations. 

He knew it would take much longer, if ever, for him to be allowed back into the family. 

He had told Angel about the prophecy and wasn't surprised when that didn't make a difference.   He suspected that Angel understood that Wesley had a reason for what he did.  And Wesley knew that understanding was step towards forgiveness. 

Wesley didn't expect to be forgiven, but he desperately wanted forgiveness.  He didn't think he could live much longer with this guilt.   He didn't think anyone could. 

Which is why he was here at the L.A. county prison. 

He had looked in the mirror that morning and noticed the grotesque gash his encounter with Justine had left him on his neck.  He touched it and gasped in pain though it had been expected.  The wound had been slow in healing and he strongly suspected that he'll always have the scar to show for it. 

His fingers had then wandered to other scars; these were on his face and they had all but faded.  No one would see them there unless they knew they were there.  Just faded white imprints to remind him of that other encounter with another girl.  There were other physical marks too, mostly hidden by his clothing.  And then there were the scars that couldn't be seen at all. 

He had found it peculiar that he thought about her then; he hadn't in months.   At least not consciously.  Despite his efforts to forget about that day, she continued to be the starring lead in several of his nightmares. 

He shifted now in his chair outside the little glass cubicle as he waited for her to come.  He didn't know what he was going to say to her, and he was beginning to question the wisdom in coming here.  

He didn't have to wait long.  She showed up with a small smile on her face, but her features became drawn when she noticed who had come to see her.  He suspected that she was expecting it to be Angel; he doubted that anyone else came to see her.   

Looking at her now, it was hard to imagine that this girl could have been the source of so many of his fears.  Her hair seemed much longer than he remembered and it fell around her face in soft waves.   Her face was devoid of any make-up and there was a small cut that ran halfway down the side of her left cheek.   She also seemed smaller than he remembered, less threatening.   But that didn't stop his heart from racing at her sight.  He had to remind himself that she was on the other side of the glass.   But he also knew that that would not stop her. 

She walked over to the chair slowly and sat down, picking up the phone just as he picked up his. 

"Hey," she said, tentative. 

"Hello, Faith." 

Silence then stretched for several seconds as he debated what to say next.  She didn't help as she just stared at him, waiting for him to start.   Wesley found that he couldn't bring himself to ask how she was and engage in false pleasantries; he was tried of pretense. 

He finally fixed his gaze on the cut on her face and asked, "Is everything all right?" 

She shrugged, "Got in a fight; it'll heal."

And Wesley didn't doubt that it would, without leaving any scars.  Which was more than he could say for his own injury.  He then thought that he wasn't surprised that she had gotten in a fight.

"I didn't start it,"  Faith added quickly, and Wesley felt a small smile tugging at his lips.   No doubt she knew which direction his thoughts had taken.  He wondered if he was that easy to read, or if this was something Faith had come to expect of people.  

"I'm sure you didn't," Wesley finally stated. 

Faith didn't look like she believed him; he wasn't sure if he believed himself. 

Silence reigned again as Wesley once more struggled with what he wanted to say. 

It was she who broke it this time,  "Is Angel okay?"

He wondered briefly over whether she asked that because there was nothing else to say or whether she really wanted to know before he answered. "He is -- not so good,"  he said.

She said, "Is that why you're here?"

"Partly, yes,"  he replied.

She regarded him silently for a moment before asking, "What happened?"

At first, he thought she was referring to Angel, but then he noticed her looking at the barely healed scar on his neck. 

"I was attacked," said he.

"Demon?"

"It was a woman."

"Oh," Faith said and fell silent once more. 

She then asked, "What's the deal with Angel?"

"It's a long story," he said.

Faith smirked, "I'm not going anywhere."

Wesley allowed himself a small smile and wondered how much he should share with her.   He concluded that it would be all right to tell her; he didn't think it would matter to him what she thought of what he had done.  But, then again, maybe he wanted her to hop on the 'Blame Wesley' bandwagon; he deserved it.

"There was a prophecy," he finally started, "involving Connor - Connor is…"

"I know about Connor,"  she told him.

Wesley stared at her, caught by surprise despite himself.

"Angel calls sometimes," she stated.

Of course he did, Wesley had known that.  After Faith's arrest, he had suspected for a long time that Angel still kept in touch with her.  Angel never mentioned her to any of them, but he had appointed himself Faith's savior and Wesley knew that Angel wasn't going to give up on her or walk away from that position. 

His suspicions had been confirmed upon Buffy's death.  After the news had arrived, Angel had insisted that he wanted to tell Faith about it before he left for Sri Lanka.   

Wesley hadn't thought that Faith cared either way, but he had kept that to himself.  Cordelia had reluctantly offered to tell her for him, but she had been almost as broken as Angel by the news, and he had told her to stay.  Gunn's offer to go had met with a simple, "It has to be someone she knows."  Wesley had not made any such offers and with good reason.   He had realized then that Angel's bond with Faith was deeper than he had thought.  Faith was not just another saved soul; she was almost family.   In the end, it had been Angel himself who had gone to tell her.   And that was the last he had heard of Faith.

"He hasn't visited lately," she said now softly, pulling him back to the present.  Her look was one of disappointment.

"Angel has had a lot to deal with,"  Wesley found himself explaining.  "Connor got taken to another dimension."

Faith grinned, "So he is off jumping dimensions again?"

"We don't know what dimension he got taken to.  He is just gone," he informed her.

"Does that have anything to do with what happened with Connor?" Faith asked, gesturing towards his neck wound.  And with a start, he realized that he had been touching it, which he stopped now.

He thought about it once more, before continuing with the story he had started telling her.  Faith listened without commenting and he found that it became easier to talk about it as he went on.   Once done, he expected her to say, "I'm sorry about what happened," or "You can't blame yourself," or some other half-hearted comment meant to comfort him, but which he knew would only serve to make him feel worse.  He knew by now that she would not throw accusations at him; it wasn't her place to.

She didn't say anything and silence prevailed again.   She opened her mouth once and closed it.  Finally, she sighed, and said, "When I killed the deputy mayor…my first reaction was shock.  And then came the guilt and the hurt, and Buffy…"  she stopped and took a deep breath before going on, "I think I sort of shut down after that."  Wesley noticed that whatever she was going to say about Buffy, she had opted not to.   As she talked, Wesley stared at her in wonder.  He had never even thought to consider what Faith had been going through during that time.  So ingrained into him were the teachings of the Council that he had assumed that a Slayer was not human, and mostly certainly not one with feelings. 

She went on, "I didn't want to feel what I was feeling.  And after him…everything after him seems to be a blur.  I can't even remember them all…"

She fell silent and Wesley didn't press her to go on and simply gazed at her with uncertainty.

She said, "I'm not making excuses for myself…what happened was my fault."  She smiled, adding, "Mostly."

Wesley noticed that she was, once again, trying to explain herself to him.  And this need of hers endeared her to him; it was a welcome change from the treatment he had been receiving from others.  He had just confessed to her his greatest sin, his betrayal of his family and she still looked at him with admiration. He felt a stab of guilt; he didn't deserve this kind of devotion, no matter how much he basked in it.  He reasoned that Faith was acting out of guilt as well. 

"Faith, you don't have to explain yourself to me," said he.

Faith looked at him for a moment, "Right,"  she said.  And then, "What I'm trying to say is:  Don't shut down, Welsey.  Life goes on, you either go along with or you…well, you end up like me." 

Wesley smiled.  Who would've thought that a girl he genuinely believed was crazy could impart such wisdom on him?

"I'll keep that in mind," he said. 

His beeper went off then and he looked at it.  Faith seemed as displeased with the interruption as he was.  He looked at it and then back at her.  "Gunn…I should get back.  We are reasearching hell dimensions for…you know."  He didn't think he could bear to say Connor's name. 

"Of course," said she, "Good luck with it."

He started to put down the phone when she spoke up again, "Wesley?"

He waited.

"I'm sorry," she said, and Wesley was reminded of the reason he had come here. 

"I know," he said and he wasn't lying.  He understood her reasons and he was ready to put the past behind him.   He started to get up once again.

"Wesley?"

"Yes, Faith?"

"Will you come again?"  she said diffidently and he realized that this was hard for her.

He nodded before he had even consciously thought about his decision.  But he knew that he would come back. 

Faith smiled, "Tell Angel I miss him…and…" she trailed off and Wesley knew that she was going to mention Connor. 

Wesley nodded, "I will.  Goodbye, Faith."  He hung up the phone and stood up.  He noticed that Faith looked visibly relieved, and he was content now with his decision to come here.

That morning, he had realized that forgiveness was a gift that needed to be given as well as received. 

--End--