You Hold, I'll Screw

By Lady Ravena

AN: Jack's lines are all italic, the Doctor's in regular text. This started when Shadowsong_13 and I were assembling furniture way too late at night. :D

The Tardis was quiet, soaking up as much Rift energy as her banks could handle, enjoying the deep feeding as only a being that was close to starving can. She spun lazily around the dwarf star that she had found, the one that tasted like cinnamon and breakfast toast, and was very yummy.

"Jack, come over here, would you?"

"This early, Doc? C'mon, it hasn't been half an hour since I was flat on my back."

"Well, if you'd exercise patience, then you'd last longer. Just look at this, will you?"

"I see it. Impressive."

"Thanks, but that's not what I was referring to, Jack. I meant this shaft here."

"That's what I meant. Awfully large, isn't it?"

"Too large. It won't fit."

"Won't fit? Oh, I doubt that. Couple of good pushes, maybe some oil, should slide on home."

"Nope. Tried it. Won't budge."

"Why not try from a different angle? Hit it with a more direct thrust?"

"I don't know about you, but Time Lords don't bend like that."

"Then why don't I squeeze on in, and give it a go?"

"I doubt that you would fit, Jack, and you'll need my tools."

"Nope. Got my own, Doc."

"I'm telling you, right now, that big tool will not fit in such a small hole."

"Wanna bet?"

"It's too big, it won't fit."

"Going in, isn't it? So it stretches things out a bit. Nothing a little rub afterwards won't cure."

"Well, fine, then, force your way in, why don't you?"

"Not force, Doctor, just constant pressure to all the right spots."

"Seems to be working, just…push harder. Bit more to the left."

"You sure?"

"Yes, of course I'm sure. Been around the block a few times, haven't I?"

"Sometime I wonder about that, Doc. You are so old, and yet, so …"

"So… what?"

"Young."

"Ja-aack."

"Almost got it all the way."

"Give it a good three, four more thrusts until you slam it on home."

"And… we are in, ladies and gentlemen! Told ya I could do it."

"Yeah, yeah. Just, shift over a bit, would you? I need to get a hand in."

"Sorry, Doc, but that really isn't necessary."

"And the tool?"

"Well, alright, but I'll hold, and you screw, okay?"

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

"Oh, really?"

"Jack. Now, just hold right there for a second, what's…"

"You'll taste anything in this regeneration, won't you?"

"Right there, bite, right there."

"Absolutely anything … tasty fixation, though. Almonds?"

"Yep! Sweet and wonderful and cloying and perfect. But why … hang on."

"You're supposed to be the expert at this, remember? I'm just lying here, waiting for you to come on over and screw this shaft down."

"What? Oh, you're kinda pinned down there aren't you?"

"Just a little."

"Two quick twists outta do it!"

"Doc!"

"Sorry! So sorry, that shouldn't scar, well, not for long, anyway."

"Death by wandering hands, haven't had that one in a while."

"Jack!"

"You're comfortable like that, Doctor?"

"Never realized how much a workout you get from this. You don't go anywhere, and yet you're all spent."

The Tardis was quiet, filled to the brim with Rift energy, happily listening to her Time Lord's rambles as he and Jack settled the grating back in place in the control room. She spun lazily around the dwarf star that she had found, the one that tasted like cinnamon and breakfast toast, and was very happy.