"She's dead."
The words hit Alison like a tidal wave, and she almost falls straight to the ground. Beth: dead? It can't be possible, she thinks to herself. No, Beth wouldn't leave her like that. Not without saying goodbye. Alison feels herself mutter "What?" as she looks into the eyes of the girl who looks exactly like her – exactly like Beth. She is telling her that she killed herself, that she saw it happen. Suicide just doesn't seem like Beth. She was always the strong one, the one who protected the clones - God, she really does hate that word – surely she wouldn't have killed herself?
Denial.
There must be some other explanation, one that seems to make more sense. Beth can't be gone, she says to herself over and over. Alison has to see her one more time, tell her that she loves her, God, she should have told her. She remembers their last words, "We can't, this isn't right. I'm sorry, we just...we can't." The words were spoken before Alison could have the time to take them back, and Beth just whispered "But..." before Alison cut her off and told her to leave. Is it her fault? If only she had told her to stay, to talk about it, if only she hadn't been so damn cowardly. Truthfully, Alison has always been terrified of her feelings for Beth. I mean, surely it isn't logical to fall for your clone? Well, that's what Alison has always thought anyway, but love never is logical. For Beth it always seemed easier – she always spoke so openly and sweetly to Alison about how she felt. With her soft words, she always made Alison feel calm – safe. She was the one that made her smile, that made her cry and laugh at the same time. And now she is gone, just like that. Surely she can't be, the words replay in her mind once again.
Anger.
How dare she leave her without saying goodbye? Did she mean nothing to her at all? Was everything Alison had done for her, what she had said, worthless to Beth? She thought she meant something to her. She thought she might even love her. Obviously not. She closes her eyes and tries to push away the image that clouds her mind: Beth in front of the train, her eyes filled with tears, and then she jumps and in one quick flash she's gone. Dead. She almost feels herself fall apart. No, she thinks to herself, and she stands up straight, blocking every flashback of their time together that tries to force itself into her mind. No, she won't let this ruin her. She is stronger than that.
Guilt.
It is definitely her fault. She should have seen the signs; they must have been there somewhere. All those times she called her and she could have sworn her voice was laced with tears, she should have done something. She should have saved her. God, why was she so oblivious? Why did she load all of her problems onto her? And why did she let Cosima do the same? Questions overcrowd her mind and she feels a strong headache suddenly hit her hard. She can't help but let her mind wander back to the moment she wants to never have to think about again. Did it hurt when she jumped? Were her last moments peaceful, or was her mind filled with anger and bitterness? In that moment she almost feels jealous of Sarah. Sarah saw it happen; she saw the last look to ever grace Beth's features. She saw her in her must vulnerable state. Although Beth often opened up to Alison, she almost never cried in front of her. Alison often wondered why, now, she supposes, she probably wanted to hide how she truly felt. Suicidal. The word makes Alison's stomach turn, and all she wants to do is drown her sorrows into a bottle of wine. Beth is gone and it is all her fault. What is the point?