Hope Has a Place

Now the that initial excitement of Xiao Peng's proposal had faded, Ji Xiang wondered whether she was too caught up in the moment.

It seemed like months, years, that she had no news from him, save what Wu You Li and Su Zhong deliver. Those were days spent in the pitiful hopelessness that he was to marry Ya Shi after all, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. He would never come back to Shanghai, never to see her again. In those long hours, she wondered if she had been incredibly, insensibly and ineffably foolish to have let him go without telling him exactly how she felt.

She did not regret the fact that before, she had tried to hold herself back from ruining Ya Shi and Xiao Peng's engagement. It was the right, honourable thing to do. She knew Ya Shi had every choice to keep Yong Peng and neither Ji Xiang nor he would blame her, and now she could only feel grateful to her friend for letting Xiao Peng go.

What bothered Ji Xiang in those days waiting was not Ya Shi.

It was more the fact that she was trying to push away a truth that was nagging at her - that he was never hers to begin with. He didn't come to Shanghai for her and didn't stay for her. He didn't leave for her and, then she thought, wasn't coming back for anything.

She was wrong. He did come back. He came back the moment when she was willing to let go all hopes and denial and accept the fact that he could never come back to her. He came just as the rain went and the clouds cleared off the sky, revealing the bright full moon above.

Perhaps it was the full moon. It must had been. Caught up in the magic of the full moon the night before and the delirious happiness of seeing him back in Shanghai again, she had accepted his proposal the next morning.

Now that the moon waned, Ji Xiang had the time to think about it for the first time, rationally.

She did not deny that she loved him. But was love enough? There is more to marriage than just love, wasn't there? After all, Su San and Li Mei no doubt loved each other very much. Where did that get them? Or Romeo and Juliet, for that matter.

And the two of them, would they be much different? Could she possibly marry him, knowing they didn't have his family's blessing?

She desperately wanted to convince herself that it would turn out all right, that times were now different. They could just get married and things would sort themselves out. But would they? A little voice in her head, a little voice of caution, told her otherwise. And what of it? How would they deal with the consequences if things didn't work out?

Dared she hope that his grandfather would miraculously accept her just because she married Xiao Peng? He did practically imprisoned Xiao Peng just to stop him coming back to Shanghai, after all. Could she deny this irrefuttable fact?

It wasn't just his grandfather either. It was the whole complicated bundle. His grandfather wanted to take back the old house and Xiao Peng himself said he could do nothing about it. After his family turned hers out of the house, then what? Was she supposed to just accept that? Even if by some miracle, they could keep the house, where would they - Ji Xiang and Xiao Peng - live? Was she willing to leave Shanghai for him? Was he willing to not return to Taipei for her?

All these questions descended on her now, and Ji Xiang suddenly found herself doubting everything around her. Love certainly wasn't simple, even when you've established that the person you love loves you back.

She thought about Su San and Li Mei again. They were the very proof that a marriage without the necessary acceptance and blessing from one's family could only end in heartbreak. She couldn't let either of them take the chance, she could not.

She had to talk to him.

Three years later

Ji Xiang walked slowly, looking at the two long walls of trees on either side of her, her mind not particularly on the tourists behind her but on beautiful little street she was walking on and the memories it held.

This was the place that Su San and Li Mei first met. This was the place where she and Xiao Peng had that fight, when she told him she didn't want to marry him because of her fears of the chaos it would bring into their lives.

It was the place that inspired so many of Zhang Ailing's works. It was a place for lovers. It was a place of memories.

Memories.

That was all she had now of him. There was no place for denial, for everything was too clear. There was no place for hope, for everything was too clear. They had no future so hope didn't exist. There was just place for memories.

Sighing to herself, she turned around and faced the tourists. She introduced the street briefly with its connections to Zhang Ailing. Then she turned around again, and stared down the long walkway in front of her, and remembered running away from him, from this very spot, three years ago.

She smiled a bittersweet smile to herself, before addressing the tourists behind her again.

"My favourite quote from Zhang Ailing is…"

She turned around to face them.

Had she conjured him up just by thinking about him? Was she seeing things? Even with the sunglasses, there was no doubt in Ji Xiang's mind that it was he standing in the middle of the group of tourists before her, standing out from the rest. She grew even more short of breath as he swept the sunglasses off his face and smiled at her. It was that same gesture, the smooth swipe of the glasses and they revealed his eyes, shining bright and looking at her with such tenderness. It took Ji Xiang's breath away just as it did when she saw him for the first time.

Ji Xiang could feel tears springing to her eyes. She didn't know he was back. Why he suddenly appeared in her life again, especially when she was just thinking about him?

But somehow, his sudden appearance was strangely calming, not at all like she'd imagined she'd feel if she had to meet him again. There was something reassuring in his eyes.

And so she spoke, to him, not the ones around them, "I want you to know, that somewhere in the world, there will always be someone who is waiting for you, anytime, anywhere, there will always that one person."

Their eyes locked. His eyes and his smile spoke the words that they couldn't form out loud in this public place. A great, light, uplifting feeling rushed through her, making her light-headed and delirious. Ji Xiang didn't know why he was there, but somehow, she knew that he was there to stay.

Perhaps hope did have a place, after all.

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I 've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

The End