Little warning that this could be hard to read. At least it was hard for me to write, but needed to get all this angst out of me after season 4 finale.

No betat, so sorry for any mistakes since I´m not native English speaker.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, just playing with them.

I can´t sleep. I watch Charming beside me and almost feel sick. What I done to him, admittedly controlled somewhat by author, but still. I really used him in any possible way and without even feeling anything. And I know he wouldn´t ever hold it against me, but I can´t live in knowledge I really raped him. I have to get out of here. Neal is sleeping peacefully in his crib, so I know he will be alright for a while and Charming can handle it if he wakes up since there is milk in fridge.

I step out of bed as quietly as I could to not to wake them. I hear little sniff from upstairs and couldn´t help but feel that´s my fault too. Henry has been also through hell and we don´t know where Emma vanished. That thought feels like stab in my heart. My beautiful girl is now new Dark one and I didn´t even get a chance to apologize what I did to her in that AU world. I really have to get out now. As soon as I get to front yard I collapse on the bench beside the wall.

How could I do it? When she told who we really are I was so close to remembering the truth, just like with her blanket during first curse, but just brushed it off and tried to burn her. I can´t even think of what if I had succeeded. My beautiful girl dead by my hands, no! I just can´t… That would have been the end of all.

Tears are starting to roll on my face. And Hook, man with whom Emma have finally found love with, killed by Charming because my command that he must always protect and serve me no matter the cost. I´m actually proud of Emma that she didn´t let that broke her, but instead gave her strength to fight to make things right again. I´m not so sure I could done the same if Charming would die.

And oh my God Doc. I just killed him without blinking. How could I ever face him again? Since he is one of my dearest friends and helped me through my pregnancy and labor with Emma. I couldn´t have done that without him. When all was just fear and pain and I couldn´t know what would come next since it was all new to me then, he keep telling me what was coming and how to survive. I can´t believe that Author could change me so much, to do something like that…

I don´t know how I could ever face anyone I love again?

I can´t live with this quilt, but I can´t get suicidal like after Cora either. Telling Charming that then made it clear it wouldn´t be fair for him. And beside that we have now also Neal plus I promised to Emma to be there for her after what happened with Cruella. And now as she became new Dark one she will need help even more. I just don´t know how much help I can be now to anyone?

It starts getting cold so I have to go back inside.

Going back to our bed is not an option since sleeping beside Charming just feels wrong now, when all I can think is what I did in the last few days.

I miss Emma so much that I climb quietly upstairs to search her blanket. Henry is finally sleeping. That´s good since he really needed escape from this all. He has been facing also so much bad in these few days that it´s not fair. He is just 12 year old boy who should be enjoying his life. I promise silently in my mind that I will do anything I can to let him have that. I spot Emma´s blanket under her pillow and take it. Before I leave the room I go to kiss Henry lightly on his head.

When I get back downstairs I check quickly Charming and Neal, who are both sleeping contently. Good for them. I crab blanket from the chair beside Neal´s crib after brushing his head gently. Then proceed to take my resting place from the coach.

I lie down hugging Emma´s baby blanket close to me. It still smells like home and her. It´s amazing how after all these years it could still smell like that beautiful pink baby I got to hold way too short time. And thinking how I almost lost her in that different reality and still might have is crucifying. I let that smell and remembering how it was like to hold her then lull me to dreamworld where both Emma and Neal are small children playing together in castle garden while we are watching them smiling, me sitting in Charming´s arms. And all is like it should have always been.

I leave this open for now, if I manage to write next Morning at some point, since Snow need to face family and friends eventually :) Let me know if you are interested to have that part or should I just leave this stand alone?

And to answer quest reviewer since I don´t have other means to do that. This is not so much pity party than Snow feeling quilt and thinking she is protecting Charming by taking distance. And about Emma, I think it´s natural to any mom to be thinking more about the child who just vanished in thin air after becoming dark one. But she is going better, already in this about 1-2 hours time she have gone from having to be away from everone to checking that all family is sleeping well and showing affection to both Henry and Neal.