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Revelations
Or – How I, Regulus Arcturus Black, died.
Regulus Arcturus Black, pure-blood, Death Eater, brother of the infamous Sirius Black and the first to discover the Dark Lord's most guarded secret. When Regulus learns the truth of everything he thought he knew he embarks on a journey of self discovery and selfless heroism.
I will not fall
Once more I'm called
Time comes for all
Then dark is wholeBut oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Subscribe me not to darknessI will not speak of your sin
There is a way out for him
The mirror shows not
Your values are shotBut oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Subscribe me not to darkness
To Darkness- Mumford & Sons
My name is Regulus Arcturus Black and I am going to die.
What a strange word. Die. It's so small and yet it hopes to convey the tragedy that is death, the end of a life, or the loss of a soul.
Sorry, you don't even know who I am do you?
But I guess it's not really important, after all, that's why I am here, in some damp cave with a house elf and a bowl of unidentifiable potion in front of me, waiting to be drunk. No one will ever know that I am here, that I have decided to make this sacrifice so that the Dark Lo- no. I think I can call him Voldemort now. I am making this sacrifice so Voldemort will be weaker and one day he will meet his match.
Strangely enough this is not exactly how I pictured my death. Maybe the part with a house elf sitting by my side at my death bed and asking if I need anything, but definitely not at nineteen and hoping to destroy a cause I have been fighting for my entire life.
I should start at the beginning shouldn't I? I guess at the moment that I received this revelation that my fearless leader was a madman, bent on his own vendetta for complete control and insane god complex. Last week- or was it last month?
-right, two weeks ago I was kneeling at the feet of Lord Voldemort. My left foot was numb from sitting absolutely still for the past three hours while the Dark Lord tortured Fabian Prewett. I can't even remember why the ginger twin was being interrogated; the Dark Lord has tortured many wizards and muggleborns for information. The man, who must have only been a few years older than me, his scream of despair as his brother, Gideon, was killed in a flash of green light almost brought me out of my specially trained 'Death Eater state'. I have seen many people killed, it's why I had Severus teach me how to be a complete automaton like him, obviously I'm not as good as him since my façade is cracking at the sound of Fabian's screams but maybe one day I can drown them out for the cause. At least that was what I was thinking as Gideon's body tumbled onto the dirt floor and the look on Fabian's face was burned into my brain.
It was strange that I imagined Sirius at that moment.
I hadn't really thought of my brother since he'd left Grimmauld Place in a flurry of leather and gunning his ridiculous motorcycle down the muggle's street. Not five minutes later our mother had blasted his face from the tapestry and I hadn't blinked. Not like those twins, whose clear bond is etched into the survivor's face.
Now I wish that Sirius and I had a chance to be as close as them.
I suppose we could have if he hadn't ended up in Gryffindor and me in Slytherin. But who's to say? I don't even know where he is now, although I do believe he's still alive.
Unlike Gideon, whose blue eyes are wide open and seem to be staring at me as his brother's screams of terror fill the Dark Lord's headquarters. Since I am not the Secret Keeper I can't tell you where they are but just imagine the darkest most evil place in your imagination and that is where we are.
Perhaps it was because I thought of Sirius or because Fabian's yells had cracked my mask but I was listening too closely as Voldemort scraped a hand across Fabian's cheek.
"Now will you tell me what I want to know blood traitor? Or do you wish to join your brother?"
The ginger coughed and I watched with as blank expression as I could manage as a trickle of blood escaped the corner of his mouth and trailed down his chin. A steady drip of rubies was joined with the red river of blood on the floor and I forced myself to study the wall.
Ignore it. Ignore it. Ignore it. Is my mantra to forget my surroundings. I only really have to use it anymore when the Dark Lord becomes especially violent, like tonight.
Finally Fabian rasps and clutches at the Dark Lord's hem.
Normally the man would kill someone for even reaching out to touch him but this session has gone on long enough and I think he just wanted the stubborn blood traitor to give him the information.
"You-" More coughing. Honestly I'm beginning to wonder if he'll be able to finish his sentence before he dies. "You are- a coward." After each word he coughs and the room is so silent I can hear Dolohov's excited rasps of breath next to me. But the foolish Prewett isn't finished. "Ya hear that? YOU'RE A COWARD!" The scream is so loud, unexpected and….brave, that I flinched and couldn't bear it as the Dark Lord's wrath is shown by the magic that rolls off him in crushing waves. Slowly Voldemort gained control and stepped away from the surviving twin.
"But you are mistaken Prewett." Voldemort circles the dying man and I can't find the courage to see if the Dark Lord's face displays his anger. "For I have done things that no other wizard ever has." If I was Fabian in that moment, I think I would have died of fear because after this Voldemort leaned down and scraped his nails across the ginger's face. His unnatural red eyes were so dead and devoid of any kind of emotion that I felt my body shivering from glancing at them. "I have ensured my success by attempting magic that even your precious Dumbledore-" At the name Voldemort pinched Fabian's cheeks painfully. "would never dare to consider. My legacy will live long after you are dead and buried and your grandchildren's grandchildren are dead. I will live forever….." He hissed this last sentence and I do not believe he meant for me or Dolohov to hear it but I did. And it is this one little slip-up this small, insignificant sentence that has changed but also ended, my life.
Fabian didn't answer so Voldemort stood and wiped the drying blood on Dolohov's robes. "Dolohov? I think that's all we'll get from him."
Then he left and I watched the room fill with that familiar green light and Fabian Prewett joined his brother.
Sadly I did not immediately begin to investigate what the Dark Lord had said to Fabian Prewett. It wasn't until a few days the Dark Lord called me to his side and as my Mark twinged with pain he informed me that he required my house elf.
"Kreacher? You need Kreacher?" I immediately regretted speaking as the gaze Voldemort sent me was worse than a Cruciatus.
"A house elf. The name is not significant Regulus." Voldemort finally looked away from me and twirled his yew wand in unnaturally long fingers.
"Yes my Lord."
I avoid looking at Voldemort as much as possible. His profile is such a frightening image that I think one glance and you can never forget him, perhaps that's why he instills such fear in the people against him and even his followers, like me. That's not to say I am not afraid of his skill with a wand and cruelty but those red eyes and spider-like hands always chill me to the bone.
"Bring me your slave and you shall be rewarded."
I bowed. "Kreacher?" I called, my voice was almost hoarse, for a moment I worried Kreacher would not come, he was quite an old elf and completely dedicated to my mother. But the house elf appeared and bowed so low his long nose scraped the ground.
"Master?"
"Kreacher, you will do as the Dark Lord orders and return to Grimmauld Place when you are finished." I turned to Voldemort to make sure that is what he wanted and the Dark Lord nodded. There was a strange look of… amusement (I cannot think of another word for it) in his lidless eyes and I had to look away.
"That will be all Regulus."
I was surprised he had ordered me away. I suppose that I thought I would be with Kreacher while he carried out the Dark Lord's orders but apparently that was not the case. So I returned home and did not hear from Voldemort or Kreacher for three days.
O
O
O
"M-m-master R-regulus."
The soft and broken voice of Kreacher filled my bedroom and I startled awake and shoved the heavy duvet away. "Kreacher?" I snatched my wand from beneath my pillow and lit it only to find my house elf shaken and trembling at the end of my bed.
"Y-you ordered Kreacher to come home."
"Yes of course but what is wrong? Why are you shaking?" To be honest, I was becoming quite frightened. The wand light showed that Kreacher's eyes were opened as wide as possible but seemed to not see anything and the elf was dripping wet. He looked right past me with fathomless eyes.
"There was a-a-a lake and a potion." The elf wrung his hands and another tremor ran from the tips of his ears to his long toes. "Many dead things did come for Kreacher. But Master R-regulus asked Kreacher to come h-h-home."
"Yes- yes and you've done that but what about this lake and a potion!" What was this potion? Was that what had Kreacher acting this way? "Tell me everything."
Kreacher fell to his knees and began to cry into his wrinkled hands in earnest.
I leapt from my bed and went to his side.
It took quite a while for the elf to calm down enough to even form a sentence that made any kind of sense. "The Dark Lord brought Kreacher to the sea."
"The sea? Whatever for?"
"Kreacher does not know Master, Kreacher only followed the Dark Lord through the water. There was a cave which the Dark Lord opened by cutting Kreacher's hand." I didn't understand this, a blood ward? But the elf lifted his hand to show me the still bleeding cut and all thoughts ceased.
"Kreacher heal yourself!"
"Thank you Master Regulus." The elf sighed in relief and the cut slowly knitted itself back together. When my mother had discovered that Kreacher could heal his punishments after he disobeyed an order and was forced to hurt himself, she had ordered him to never heal himself unless a Black ordered him to. I had never really thought about the injustice of that until now when it looked as if Kreacher would die of blood loss….or maybe something else.
The elf continued his story when the wound was completely gone. "There was a lake in the cave. The lake was black and Kreacher could not see the bottom but the Dark Lord brought out a boat from the water and Kreacher and the Dark Lord were carried across the lake."
"Was there anything in the lake Kreacher?"
"Many creatures that jumped when Kreacher was too close to the water." The elf nodded. "They wished to hurt Kreacher. Kreacher could feel it. And later they did try to hurt Kreacher."
"So you went across the lake." I said after a moment. I was very scared and my voice shook trying to understand why Voldemort would go to such a place. The 'dead things' could only be Inferi and although I knew that the Dark Lord had been contemplating such methods to finally win this infernal war I had no idea he had already begun. But to use them against my house elf? I was very confused and began to shake along with Kreacher.
"The Dark Lord brought Kreacher to an island on the lake and made Kreacher drinks a p-p-potion." Kreacher's eyes became brighter and his voice was faltering again. "Kreacher did not want to drink the potion but Master Regulus said that Kreacher must obey the Dark Lord."
A lump rose in my throat and I gently patted Kreacher's head. "Y-y-you did well Kreacher." Since all Kreacher could ever think about was obeying my families commands I thought it might be the only way to comfort him, by telling him he had done well. If he had not been an elf I might have apologized and promised he did not have to obey orders if they threatened his life but it wouldn't have made the house elf happy. He would think I thought he had done a bad job and he probably would punish himself for it.
The elf did not smile but nodded and continued. "The potion made Kreacher see- it made Kreacher see many things. Many things that scared Kreacher but Kreacher had to drink all the potion the Dark Lord says. Kreacher was so thirsty but Dark Lord did not give Kreacher water. He left Kreacher. So Kreacher went to the lake-"
"I see." I could imagine Kreacher clamoring over the rocks to reach the lake water and scooping up that treacherous water to drink.
"Kreacher then came home." He said finally. His voice had finally stopped shaking and he stood in front of me without shaking quite as badly.
"But what did the Dark Lord do this for Kreacher? Why did he take you to the lake?"
"When Kreacher drank all the potion the Dark Lord put a necklace in the potion bowl and filled it with more potion, Master Regulus."
I now knew that this must have been what the Dark Lord had come all that way for, to hide and guard that necklace.
"Did the Dark Lord say anything else to you?"
"The Dark Lord said that Kreacher must follow the Dark Lord and that Kreacher must drink potion. That is all." Of course he wouldn't explain his plans to a simple house elf but still, it had been worth a shot.
"Thank you Kreacher. Thank you for coming back."
The elf blanched but did not comment. Kreacher rarely heard a 'thank you' and I think it surprised him whenever I said it.
So I sent Kreacher to bed and told him to heal any injuries he might have before shuffling to the library. There was no way I could sleep after such a story and so I began my long search for what Kreacher had described to me and to discover what exactly that necklace the Dark Lord had hidden with such heavy protection.
O
O
O
It took forever but I finally discovered what a Horcrux is and the Dark Lord's plan to live forever.
I never would've figured it out if I hadn't overheard Voldemort tell Fabian Prewett that he planned to live forever, there are many magical necklaces that Voldemort could've been hiding but this….a Horcrux, just takes the cake.
After reading about them I just can't imagine the type of person that would create one, they're so evil I just…. I can't describe it to you. It'll give us both nightmares but at least now I can say without a doubt that Voldemort is a complete madman and I have no regrets that I will take him down. It's all I can do with this information! There's no way I can sit on the idea that Voldemort, the complete mental psycho wants to live forever and not do anything!
How very Gryffindor of me.
Ugh.
I bet Sirius would be proud. Maybe I could….. no. No he'd never want to see me again. Especially with this-
I look at my left forearm and study the brand of the Dark Lord.
I was so proud when I bound my soul to the Dark lord, so sure that I was creating a perfect Wizarding World just like my parents had always taught me….
What an idiot I've been.
But hopefully…. Hopefully this makes up for it.
O
O
O
"You can't tell anyone Kreacher. Not even mother."
Kreacher hesitates but finally nods.
"And make sure you destroy it Kreacher. You have to destroy it."
"Yes Master Regulus."
With that I turn away from him. All I've got is myself here.
One spoonful at a time.
With shaking hands I slowly reach for the cup-like shell and begin to scoop out the potion.
At the bottom of the bowl I can barely make out the thick chain and locket.
That's the goal.
I take a deep breath and drink the first swallow.
It's not so bad. Maybe a little-
Okay it's bad.
I drop to my knees and clutch my already pounding head. There are strange blotches appearing at the edge of my vision but I ignore them.
"Kreacher." I manage to get out. "You have to help me drink all of it."
"Master, maybe Kreacher could drink-"
"No." I remember the way Kreacher stood at the end of my bed, scared half to death and without me there who would take care of him?
I scoop the next couple of drinks, the pounding and visions becoming steadily worse. Until finally Kreacher is clutching my neck and forcing the potion down my throat.
"M-m-master said he must d-d-drink all of it."
Regulusssss.
I can hear Kreacher, barely. But there is another voice.
Regulusssss.
'Whose there?'
Why Regulussss. Have you forgotten?
'For-forgotten?'
Up until this point I've kept my eyes closed, otherwise dark spots dance at the edge of my vision and distract me from drinking the potion but now I cannot resist. So I open them.
The cave is gone, which is a relief. But so is Kreacher and instead of him I see the same room where Fabian and Gideon Prewett were tortured and killed only a few weeks ago.
Regulusssss.
That voice.
Voldemort appears, as if out of nowhere and this has to be a dream but it feels so real and when I reach out the stone's are cold and I can still smell the stank of blood that the torture room never seems to be rid of.
Voldemort's eyes seem more red than usual, his skin more translucent and the veins that can be seem beneath the skin seem to stick out even more than usual. Voldemort looks more powerful, evil and scary than I have ever seen him before and he immediately fills me with dread.
We have a…..ssspecial guesssst today Regulusssss. Or have you forgotten?
He slides across the stone floor and circles me. It's best not to argue or even raise your head too fast when he's in this kind of mood. He seems to be silky and calm but I can almost feel the magical waves of anger and anticipation rolling off him.
You have forgotten!
"Drink it M-master."
Wha-what?
But the dream only becomes more intense. Or maybe Kreacher forcing potion down my throat is the dream and Voldemort standing in front of me is the reality.
Oh Regulussss I'm sssure you'll be happy to ssssee my guessst.
And the same way that Voldemort seems to appear in the room so does Sirius but he's already beaten and bloody, his dark, handsome hair matted and sticking to his pale face.
"Sirius!"
"Sirius is not here Master Regulus. Drink."
But Sirius is there!
Y-you! He shouts and Sirius tries to stand but slips in his own blood and can only point an accusing finger at me.
Voldemort laughs and my breath is stolen away and goose-bumps appear all over my arms and my blood runs cold. I hate his laugh and that he's laughing at my dying brother. And I know what that laugh means.
My…. Brother.
CRUCIO!
"SIRIUS!"
"It's not real Master Regulus. Sirius is not here!"
Voldemort laughs more and suddenly Sirius vanishes and is replaced by another dark-haired man.
Sssseverus. You did not do asssss I asssked.
For-forgive me-
CRUCIO!
"SNAPE!"
He screams for a few terrible moments and then he is gone and replaced by a trembling and curly-haired witch.
My Lord…..Please…Please forgi-
CRUCIO!
"BELLA!"
But no matter how many times I scream for it to stop the hallucinations do not end and I watch as everyone I know, family and friends is tortured at the Dark Lord's hands.
O
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O
"Water…." I whisper hoarsely.
"Master Regulus said that Kreacher is not to give you water sir. Not until Master Regulus has duplicated the locket." Kreacher holds up a glittering locket in front of my sore eyes and I blink, uncomprehending. All I can think about is the cracks in my lips and the desert that my tongue has become. My teeth stick painfully to my gums and I can barely speak. How can Kreacher ask me ….. to say a spell …. to charm some stupid …. necklace without …. some ….. fucking water.
"Wa….ter….."
But Kreacher only shakes his head and, frustrated, I try to stumble away from him to reach that glorious, wet, and thirst-quenching lake water.
"No!" The stronger-than-he-looks elf grabs me and finally I can remember what I am doing here.
The locket is the goal and I'm almost there.
It's almost over.
Relieved, I relax and withdraw my wand.
"Ge… mino."
Nothing happens and I realize that there is not much left in me. I'm going to have to dig deep.
"Gemino." I say, much stronger. The locket does duplicate but it is a poor rendition.
It doesn't matter anyway. Maybe the Dark Lord will never even come here. Maybe he'll forget about his Horcrux.
Fat chance.
But I cannot perform anymore magic. I am-
Done.
Finally the tears come, now that I've realized this truly is the end. I suppose it hadn't really hit me until now.
And that- that vision. My 'worst nightmare', Merlin…. Sirius had been in it.
What was the last thing I said to him?
I can't even remember.
More tears poor from eyes and I'm frustrated by the waste of water.
I need to concentrate the potion took more out of me than I thought it would and besides, I'm proud of this next part, kind of like my last 'Fuck you Voldemort'. I laugh wearingly and shuffle around so that my left pocket is in easy reach. "The note Kreacher." I say. The elf ignores my tears as he has been taught to and reaches into my pocket. I wish he wouldn't ignore them though. I need someone to feel sorry for me.
Doesn't everyone deserve some sympathetic ear when they're about to….about to….
The elf puts the note in the locket and the locket in the bowl.
"The potion."
The elf reaches into my other pocket and withdraws the vial of potion that took bloody forever to find and make. But it will be worth it.
Yes. It'll be worth it.
That's why I'm here after all, so stop crying you blubbering pansy. I snarl to myself.
Kreacher pours the potion in and returns to my side.
"That's all Kreacher. Go home now." The locket Horcrux dangles from his fist but he ignores my direct order and I stare at him in surprise. I need him to leave so I get to that Goddamn water!
There are- there are tears in his eyes I think.
Okay. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me anymore.
"Maybe Kreacher could bring Regulus ho-"
"Kreacher. I'll be dead anyway. When the Dark Lord finds out what I've done he'll kill me. Now go!"
And with a pop he vanishes.
Honestly I'm surprised he managed to ignore the first time I ordered him away.
But now I can get to that delicious water.
Oh Merlin.
Slowly I roll over.
Wait. Now that I think about it maybe I could just conjure water and avoid the deathly, Inferi infested water all together.
"Aquamenti." I whisper hoarsely to the vial I brought to carry the potion but it does not fill.
"Fuck you Voldemort! Fuck you!" I scream but a splash stops any further ranting and I look to the water.
There aren't any ripples.
But I could've sworn I heard…
"Just ignore it. Ignore it. Ignore it." I whisper my mantra, suddenly frightened out of my mind.
You knew this was coming. You knew it.
Yes but… I don't want to die.
…
I have to stop then.
I'm alone and I've come to the final hour.
Final seconds actually.
So you can….you can cry.
I sniff and drop my head in my hands. Will anyone even notice I'm gone? I wonder in horror. Sirius won't. He'll probably think I was killed by Voldemort but our parents. They'll never see or hear from me again but if they knew what I was doing I don't think they'd be very proud.
"I turned out worse than Sirius." I laugh between tears.
Mother won't have to know I betrayed the family. I think selfishly.
Maybe Sirius really did belong in Gryffindor, he was so boastful and proud of defying Walburga and Orion Black and here was Regulus, defying them secretly and making sure they'd never know of his betrayal like a coward. But the thought of them blowing his own face off the family tree like Sirius and Andy was distressing enough for Regulus to forget his slightly cowardly actions.
"I never got to meet Andy's daughter." I say out loud to myself (no one's around to judge). I'd always liked Andy when we were all kids and Sirius and Bellatrix would fight while Cissy and Andy would talk about boys and try to chase me away. Andy's daughter would probably end up as clumsy and beautiful as she was…..
It's just another reason for Bellatrix to hate her sister, of course. It wasn't until after she'd married that Bellatrix had learned she couldn't have children.
He was the only one who knew that secret actually.
"You and the Dark Lord have something in common after all, Bella!" I laugh with no actual mirth. "Both your secrets die with…. me." I trail off at the end. Not really finding the joke funny after all.
Would Bellatrix notice he was gone? She might be too obsessed with the Dark Lord to notice anything at all….
Maybe in the past she would have cared but not now.
Only Kreacher will know what's happened here and he's been ordered to silence so the name of Black will never be smeared.
Why should I care anyway?
I'll be…
I need water.
I'm so tired of thinking of what everyone will think and guess.
"Tonight, I die." I say finally, my voice shaking and my hands gripping at my robe sleeves in terror. "Tonight, maybe no one will ever know it was me that brought the Dark Lord one step closer to defeat but at least there was a first step." I say them out loud for my own benefit. I need the courage to accept my decisions.
And besides, I don't think I can hold off this thirst for much longer.
So I crawl to the water's edge and despite my fear and the fact that I know I'm going to die when I do this…. I reach for the lake water.