I wrote this on a whim and thought I'd post it. I might be the only one to find it funny though... Well, if you see anything wrong with it please tell me 'cause I hate editing my own work, I'm never satisfied with it.
Disclaimer: I don't own.
--
There was only one thing that Naruto hated, truly hated, more than being alone and more than his inability to bring Sasuke bac
There was only one thing that Naruto hated, truly hated, more than being alone and more than his inability to bring Sasuke back to Konoha. Many would have thought that such a loathing was impossible or ridiculous; however, those who knew him could only shake their heads at Konoha's Number One Hyperactive Knucklehead Ninja.
Truly, only Naruto could hold such a strange weakness and only Naruto could mold it into a strength, albeit, with outside help.
Although this was Naruto's darkest secret, the revelation was soon brought to light on the ill-fated day of Konoha's first sports festival. It wasn't hard to figure out from there; Naruto absolutely despised being barred from the toilet.
Especially after the incident, if anything got in the way of him and the bathroom, he became downright vicious. And this hit the village like a rancid typhoon.
Yet somehow, years managed to pass normally as everybody avoided this issue and buried it deep, deep where they all hoped no one would ever look.
It was only after the fall of Akatsuki and Sasuke's return that the matter was dragged back up- regrettably just when the last visages of the memory was fading.
At this point Naruto was eighteen and a part of the Anbu, although his dream of becoming Hokage was still standing strong.
The village elders chose this time to reveal that, while the ninja and villagers alike were trying to forget the memory, they had been plotting and scheming. Eventually, they had established a way to exploit boy's bodily functions.
Despite Tsunade's protest and expressed disgust at the prospect, they sent Naruto alone on weeklong missions with little access to restrooms. Forcing the fox container to gather information with strict orders to "not let the enemy out of his sight" and "to not be seen" therefore providing him with few opportunities to even use the facilities.
They figured that the boy would eventually either give himself away with his whining for a toilet or be unable to fight if the need arose. Surprisingly, Naruto managed to carry out the mission flawlessly.
However, when the orders came to attack the enemy stronghold, Naruto always made quick and ruthless work of them before racing back to Konoha and his toilet.
The first time this happened, the elder's were both shocked and smug at the unexpected success, as this would mean the demon holder would continually be sent out on missions alone. The publicity would also do the village good. The rest of the village had to agree.
The only objections came from the ninja that Naruto had befriended over the years, and even Gaara had threatened to initiate a war if the demon abuse continued. However, Naruto himself just laughed it off and put an end to the dispute before a civil war began. He continued the lewd and admittedly sadistic missions for the next year.
As a result, Naruto grew to become a strong and efficient ninja, refining his skills to most effectively carry out his missions. This meant he learned to shut up and not jump into anything that could threaten or delay his missions.
Thus, he finally realized that leaping out at the enemy while on a spy job was a big no-no. Although, it was a fluke he didn't do this on his first few missions since he was too busy lying in the fetal position to remember to. No one knew of this though and he intended to take the secret with him to his grave.
One of his greater accomplishments that year includes the development of a jutsu that surpasses his father's. Born of desperation and determination, he created his own technique that allows him to travel very quickly, almost at the speed of light. Rock Lee, still training to beat Naruto's best time of a hundred yards in 0.000001 milliseconds challenges him to race at every opportunity.
No one else has yet to either replicate this technique or learn it, not even the sharingan can successfully see it let alone break it. Naruto affectionately calls it the "I need to goooooooo no jutsu" although Sakura still insists that he rename it.
In addition, all those unorthodox missions –although Naruto saw them as training or rather, practice- he received over the year has paid off for him. As he is now the proud holder of the title "best bowel control" in the Guinness Book of World Records for the past six years running.
Consequently, Naruto's amazing new skills and powers have also brought Konoha to its knees and the villagers have unwillingly accepted him as the sixth Hokage. To which Naruto just smiled and said, "Finally!"
All of his friends are still amazed at his composure, although Kakashi is starting to get over it as he has watched Naruto grow over the years. Iruka, now a jounin, could not have been more proud.
They were not surprised however, when Naruto's first act as Hokage was to remove the "drink a carton of milk" element from the Konoha's forthcoming sports festivals. He loved the show, it was a great way to raise the morals of the village, but the milk had seriously traumatized him. Iruka was still exceedingly proud of the blonde knucklehead.
The elders, on the other hand, still mourn their stupidity at forcing Naruto to take those missions as ultimately, those are what caused his rise to power to begin with. Seeing the distraught elders, Tsunade couldn't resist pointing at them and going, "Ha-ha!"
Although they Sucked up the shame and have already renamed their doomed mission plan "Kill off the demon brat by sending him on suicide missions" to "The legend of Naruto: Rise to Hokage" released as a best-selling biography in the Wind Country. The sequel "The legend of Naruto: Still Hokage" will be out next year.
The money earned by their first book has been used to build the old folks home where they will live out the rest of their lives in a remote corner of the village. The money from the second book will hopefully be used to build a fence around their pool so that the villagers will stop poking out their eyes as the doctors have refused to treat them anymore.
Now, as Naruto's seventh anniversary as Hokage approaches, the word "toilet" has become taboo. Any dumb enough to say it in front of the nine tails container will face dire consequences- along with the rest of the village. As the mere mention of the word causes the esteemed Hokage to go into what Sakura has dubbed "A Freaky Frenzy".
The F.F. is now reserved solely for AAA-rank missions or wars. It is also what has earned Naruto the nickname "Flash Bomb: Konoha's Second Yellow Flash". Anyone who witnesses the F.F. would agree wholeheartedly. The force of the F.F. has the power to destroy entire villages and the surrounding area, unfortunately for the genins that have to clean up afterwards.
Luckily, gas masks are assigned for this A-rank mission and since the Anbu refuse to do them so they are subsequently dumped on the poor, unsuspecting genin. Despite this, many don't survive the ordeal. To make up for this, more academy students are allowed to pass.
If by chance, the word is mistakenly used outside of these triple-A-rank missions or in the village, an immediate evacuation is instigated. As the aftermath has the ability to run the Inuzuka's, particularly Kiba, into the Wind country- a three day run away- for two weeks.
Never the less, such accidents rarely happen, and the strength of the Hokage has pretty much scared the rest of world into peace, therefore, "toilet" has been pretty much wiped from the vocabulary.
Therefore, everyone can live relatively happily ever after.