My main ROTBTD Hogwarts AU fic "When Worlds Collide" is being a touch exasperating, and I've become a little detached from this fandom, ever since I rediscovered DC and Young Justice, which was sort of the show I watched at the end of my childhood. But reading so much Spitfire (Wally/Artemis) has brought me back to my first tough-love ship, Jarida. I love Frostbite (Tooth/Jack) to death, but that fic is to be written at a later date. This fic is an ode to Jarida's various fictional escapades.

This is a modern AU - no magic involved. Toothless is a cat. Jack's hair is brown at the start of the story, and Hiccup doesn't have a prosthetic at the beginning either. Rapunzel was adopted by Gothel and then homeschooled by her for the majority of her life. The story begins in the second year of high school and ends a decade later.

This was supposed to be a oneshot, but I've gotten really tired of trying to finish the whole thing in one shot (it's gotten pretty long at this point) so there'll be another chapter up soon. Once the whole thing is written I might convert it back into a oneshot, but the first chapter is devoted to high school years only.

And no, I do not happen to own the rights to Tangled, Brave, ROTG or the soon-to-be HTTYD trilogy.

YEAR ONE - SOPHOMORE

Hiccup and Punz were the worst friends ever, Merida had decided. Not only were they blatantly obvious matchmakers, but they'd also had the gall to leave her alone with him. Alone, in the freezing cold, without a clue how to break the bowstring-taut silence.

"The snow's nice," he noted.

"Mm," Merida mumbled back, ever so articulate as she scuffed at the snow-speckled asphalt with the tip of her boot. He was right, though, the snow was very pretty, and actually, that was a great train of thought to follow - anything to ignore his presence. Just him standing next to her was probably lowering her IQ or something.

"You're blushing," he informed her. He meaning Jackson Overland, colloquially known as either "Jack" or "twerp."

"It's the cold," Merida snapped back, flushing further. He was so stupid – and this was so awkward. They were friends now, mostly, but she'd been kind of a jerk to him when he'd first come to school in October and being alone with him was just awkward – why, oh why hadn't she inherited her mum's people skills?

Jack finally broke the awkward silence. "Um. So. Don't, uh, stuff your face too much over the holidays, yeah?"

Merida snorted. He'd been strangely delighted and disgusted when he had discovered her unrestrained eating habits. "Nah, ah won't. Ah've got records to break next semester. Ah'm watching mae athletic figure an' whatnot."

"Watch it, DunBroch," Jack warned.

"Ah jus' said ah was, didnae?"

Jack laughed in his weird, chuckling baritone. Stupid. Clearly the seriousness of the sin of laughter was deserving of violence, but Merida didn't want to risk injury while dismembering him, so she opted for a threat instead. "D'ye raelly want the last time we talk fer the next two weeks tae be mae fist in yer face?"

"You wouldn't wreck beauty like this."

Something about Jack's idiocy rendered Merida incapable of shooting back some witty comeback, so instead she snorted derisively and went back to awkwardly staring at her feet. But Jack didn't seem ready to shut up yet. "Two weeks is a long time," he said.

"Ah need more than two weeks away from yoo," said Merida, drawing out her accent.

"What, to come up with better comebacks?"

Merida flushed again. Why was she friends with this guy, exactly? "You're so impossible, Overland-"

"Shut up and hug me, Meri."

"Who has the lame comebacks now?" said Merida, but she awkwardly hugged him anyway. She mumbled something that might have been a goodbye, but could just as easily have been a death threat, for all she enunciated.

Later - much, much later - it would occur to Merida that the first time she'd hugged Jack, it'd been snowing. She considered it foreshadowing from the universe.

YEAR TWO - JUNIOR

"What's got you in such a sunny mood?" Jack asked, far too cheerfully, sliding into a desk next to Merida in their homeroom before first period. How could that boy be so chipper before his morning coffee? Although – nevermind, she far preferred a Jack with no caffeine in his system. Giving a gun to a starving monkey would be smarter and more sensible thing to do than giving Jackson Overland coffee.

When Merida didn't answer, Jack tried again. "What's with your legs, Frizzball? Did you lose a fight with a razor?"

Merida swore under her breath. She always cut herself when she shaved her legs, so she always had enough Band-Aids to play connect-the-dots with. Of course, he had to notice now, before she drank her coffee and could actually come up with a witty comeback. "Ah'm gonnae answer that with ah 'none of yer business, twerp.' Maebe with an echo of 'go away.'"

"Och, Merida, ye wound mae," said Jack, imitating the accent before leaning over and nudging Rapunzel. "We better give the beast a wide berth today, Punz. She's in one of her moods."

"Hm?" said Punz absentmindedly. "Oh – oh, Merida, be nice."

They'd had the misfortune of coming to homeroom early (courtesy of Punz, who was a chronic early bird and texted everyone at like five in the morning) so Merida was still operating on autopilot, blearily getting her thermos out of her bag and clumsily untwisting the cap. Jack wrinkled his nose at her beverage of choice.

"Coffee, Mer? Really?"

"Ah'm seventeen. Ah'm pretty sure that's ah legal age for caffeine consumption, dimwit."

"Oh, it's not decaf? That's cool. Could I try som-"

"NO." Merida winced at his pitiful facial expression. The way his lower lip trembled made it seem like she'd just stabbed a panda bear. "Aye, okay, maybe a little couldnae hurt..."

It took Merida approximately four minutes to realize that giving Jack coffee may have been the worst decision in her high school career. The ensuing chaos was almost as bad as the triplet's daily adventures. Almost.

Mostly, Merida thought she had a pretty normal life. The downside was that her inheritance went into the millions and that her friends were idiots. The good part was that her inheritance went into the millions and that her friends were idiots.

Okay, so maybe she lived in a mansion and owned a horse and ate truffles for dinner on a daily basis, but that didn't mean she still didn't have problems.

Problems like having a 20 page lab report due, and that the only progress she'd made on it was opening a Word document eloquently entitled "Untitled." And then her laptop had crashed, so she'd lost all that monumental amount of progress.

Not that she was complaining or anything (come on, she lived in a mansion, look at all that blessed normalcy) but... yeah, she was complaining. It was at times like this that she yearned for summer vacation most of all.

Argh.

She was sitting in the school library, staring at her blank computer screen with "frustasperation." (Rapunzel's made-up idiom, not hers.) The dull monotone of page-turning and hushed murmurs that was the norm at every respectable library had a strangely soporific on Merida. In fact, she might have fallen asleep right then and there if The Stupid One hadn't intruded upon her life.

"Why the long face?" Jack asked as he strolled into the library, his headphones dangling around collarbone. "Actually, why are you still here? Don't you hate books?"

"Aye, but ah've got a massive lab report due," Merida groaned. "What are you doing here? Dinnae yer sister go ice skating with you on Wednesdays?"

"It's not a Wednesday. And I'm returning a couple of books."

"Whatever," Merida muttered. There was an awkward pause before she looked over her shoulder once more. "What are ye still doing here, twerp?"

"It's probably not that bad," said Jack, ignoring the insult as he squished into the same chair as Merida (demolishing any notion of personal space in the process.) "I can help. Maybe." He held up his hands at her glare. "Look, I'm not a slacker anymore. Not like how I was sophomore year. Punzie made sure of that. She was a good tutor. I can totally help with a lab report. It can't be that bad. So when's it due?"

"Yesterday."

"Okay, so kind of bad."

Merida made a noise that sounded like "blargle" and pressed her face into her laptop. "Ah hate high school…" she mumbled. It sounded more like "ah hum shool" when it was all muffled, but Jack still got the gist of it.

"Why?" he asked.

Merida gave him a puzzled look. "Why not?"

"I wouldn't have met you guys, that's why not," he blurted out, looking embarrassed. He scratched the back of his head and wouldn't quite meet her eyes. "Like, Punzie and Hiccup. And you, too. Um. Yeah."

Merida stared at him. Sometimes she just didn't understand what could possibly be churning in that noggin of his. That particular thought was reinforced with his next few words.

"So. Wanna go to the roof?" he said, a smile tugging at the corner of his lip.

Merida blinked. "Ye cahn't mean the… school roof? Isnae that illegal or something?"

"It's like downloading music, it's only illegal if they catch you."

"Ah'm not sure that's how it works…" Merida mumbled, but she was already closing her laptop and following him out of the library.

They took the stairs two at a time, cursing (Merida) and laughing (Jack) until they reached the locked metal gate that prevented higher access.

"Great," Merida puffed, rather disgruntled that Jack, a twig of a human being, had beaten her in any race. "That was all the exercise ah'll need fer the rest of mah natural born life. Now what?"

To answer her question, Jack whipped out a jangling key ring and spun it round his finger, grinning a smile worthy of a Colgate commercial. Merida rolled her eyes. "Of course, ah shouldnae even bother asking how…"

"I have my ways," said Jack mysteriously.

So that's how Merida found herself sitting four stories above the school parking lot. Jack dangled his bare feet over the ledge and chuckled into the wind. Merida felt obligated to chastise him. "Have you got ah death wish or what, dimwit?" she spat.

"Not a death wish, a life wish," said Jack quietly. Merida blinked and sat down beside him, wiggling her toes over the edge. Then he looked at her. "The wind helps me think," he confessed.

Merida's brows knitted immediately. "You… thinking?"

Jack scoffed. "Don't sound so sarcastic! I do take time every now and then to do some thinking. My brains aren't made of cobwebs."

"Ah was always under the impression…" Merida began, but Jack's glare shut her up. She sighed into the breeze and quickly worked her hair out of the oppressive-but-practical braid Elinor forced it into every Thursday, then clucked with satisfaction as it bounced to freedom, tumbling past her shoulders. Then she heaved a theatrical sigh. "Well, the idea of writing that essay has yet tae sound appealing."

Jack shrugged. "You still want help?" He ignored her withering glare and went on, a touch of a stammer in his voice. "I... I know you're probably used to better... but my place isn't horrible... for studying. And stuff. A-and you could come over. To, you know. Finish the report. And stuff."

Merida stared. And stared.

"Uh.. and, uh, there's takeout next door. Which you'll probably like because, I mean, you and food? Fatal attraction."

Merida wanted to say a lot of things. Among them was "you've been abducted by aliens again, haven't you" and "ah didnae know ye had a twin - a nice twin" or even "ye had tae sneak an insult in there, didnae?" But instead, in a quiet voice that didn't sound much like her own, she replied, "Um, okay."

It took her about two seconds to register exactly what had happened and why Jackson Overland looked so happy, so quickly she added, "Dun flatter yourself, twerp. Ah'm only coming fer the takeout."

"What's happened?"

"Meri and Mama Bear had another spat," Rapunzel murmured back. "A bad one. I think she wants to be left alone."

"Ah want tae be left alone," Merida yelled through the door, cradling her knees to her chest inside the janitor closet. Wow, this place smelled awful. She could have picked any other closet in the school as her hiding spot and she had to pick this one. She'd have to live with janitor smells for the rest of her life. Because, y'know, she was never going back home. Ever.

"Well, she wants to be left alone," said Hiccup's voice through the door. "I don't think you can get any more articulate than that. She's not gonna come out. C'mon, Punz, Jack."

There was some arguing outside the door for a few minutes. Merida ignored them. Why couldn't they just shut up and leave so she could have a meltdown? It's not like she could cry in front of other people. That would ruin her whole reputation.

She heard footsteps pattering away from the door and was about to let loose when the door suddenly opened and a sweatshirt-clad figure stepped in.

"Oh. It's you," she said ungratefully, glowering at Jack as he closed the door behind him.

"Real welcoming."

"Well, then," Merida sniffed. "You know Hiccup ahn' Punz aren't any better off than ah am. We've all got mummy-daddy issues. Shouldn't ye be saving the concern fer one of your real friends?"

Jack sighed, then coughed as he sucked in the musty smells of the janitor closet, wrinkling his nose. "Ick, wow, it smells weird in here."

"Ah'm aware, dimwit."

Jack shuffled over to her and sat, crossing his legs. "Merida… this could be one of those things that sounds way better in my head than it does out loud, but… you are a real friend. And I know I can be a jackass. And you're not always an angel either. But I blame, um, first impressions."

Merida almost laughed at the memory. According to Punz, Merida was a virtuoso in bungling first impressions.

Jack went on. "But that doesn't matter now. And I really do care about you-" He broke off, blushing. "I mean, like, um, in a friendly, caring way. The way amigos care. The point is… I know how you're always being really tough, and that's fine, cute, even-" Jack abruptly started stuttering. "I, uh, meant that in a friendly, totally platonic way! Friends! But, um, even if you're not tough all the time, we won't walk over you. I'm not like that. None of us are. You don't have anything to prove, Merida."

Could someone remind Merida how to breathe, please?

No one's ever said that to her. You don't have anything to prove. You don't have to be perfect. Maybe being imperfect is better, anyway.

Merida couldn't bring herself to particularly care that she was an unattractive crier as her breath hitched in her throat and tears welled in her eyes. She'd never understood what "the good kind of crying" was – how could crying be good under any set of circumstances?

But now she knew.

"Oh, my God, I didn't mean – crap, why are you crying, Meri – are you mad at me? Did I say something wrong?" Jack hovered anxiously above her, still doing that endearing stuttering thing. Merida rather liked this Jack. She wished she could see more of him, instead of the sarcastic jerk she knew most of the time.

"Ah'm fine," Merida said with a small smile. "Ah – and Jack? It – it sounded… fine, out loud."

The look on his face was worth the cringe-worthy sentimentality, every second of it.

YEAR THREE - SENIOR

"Mah life is awful, Da," Merida moaned as she stomped into her father's office, kicking off her boots as she went.

Her father turned and grimaced sympathetically, his chair squeaking beneath his weight. "What's happened now, lass? Bad grade?"

"Worse," Merida muttered. "Jackson Overland has got a date to the prom and ah haven't."

Fergus blinked. "What?"

"Jack's got a date! And he's ah calamity of mankind! How could anyone like him? Ah mean, ah know ah'm not pretty, but ah'm not Quasimodo! Ah just dinnae understand!"

"You're pretty," Fergus protested.

"Da. Focus."

"Right, right," Fergus chuckled. "Ye sound like your mum. So ye mean your friend Jack? He's a bonny lad, he's not bad looking."

"Da, ah've shot arrows with more meat than him. He's not good looking." She scoffed at Fergus' incredulous look. "He's just, ah, mediocre. And even if someone thought he was good looking, his fecking personality is horrible! He doesnae care about anyone but himself. He's selfish and cocky and sarcastic and stupid…"

Fergus put a hand on Merida's shoulder. "Meri darling," he murmured, more to himself than to her. "My wee lil' lass has grown up so fast." He looked at her brightly. "If nobody's asked you yet, why don't ye ask someone yourself?"

Merida looked up at him with wide eyes. "Because… because… ah dun know. That's just the way it is. Boy asks girl."

"And it's also the way it is to be an Olympic archer if you're a DunBroch, but ye dinnae care one whit about that, aye?"

Merida blinked. "Ah…" Then she smiled. "Thanks, Da. Ah will!"

"Well," Merida bit out, sweat trickling down her temples. "That was all the exercise ah'll need fer the rest of mah natural-born lifespan."

Rapunzel looked up quizzically at her redheaded friend as Merida slid next to her at their lunch table. She appeared to be what Hiccup would describe as "emotionally drained."

"But you didn't have gym. You weren't even exercise, you were just talking to Hiccup," Rapunzel pointed out.

Merida somehow managed to pull off a lofty expression, even though she looked ready to slump straight into her (gold-leaf decorated) sandwich. "Ah... Let's call it 'mental exercise,' aye? Ah was... asking Hiccup... um. A question. A very very important question."

Rapunzel blinked, momentarily confused. Then she suddenly swerved to stare at Hiccup, who was sitting with Fishlegs and the other programming club dweebs, as if he was the second coming of Christ.

"Meri... you mean you... you and him... what did you mean there?"

"Um... ah think ah just got a date to the prom," Merida whispered back.

Rapunzel squealed and bounced up and down, undoubtedly causing many innocents to choke on their lunches out of fear, glomping Merida in victory and then screaming at the top of her lungs, "SHE'S GOT A DATE TO THE PROM! MY HUMAN TRAGEDY OF A BEST FRIEND GOT A DATE TO THE PROM! DO YOU HEAR THAT, WORLD?! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!"

Note to self – Never tell Rapunzel anything, ever.

Needless to say, Merida actually getting a date to the prom would apparently be forever part of Burgess High history and so Merida had to be absolutely fabulous. Rapunzel wasted no time in gathering the necessary supplies to execute Operation Fashion Statement, a makeover session that included Burgess' most fashion-forward females – Tooth (Jack's date, an overzealous freshman college student with colored streaks in her hair) Punzie, Mavis, and Astrid (strictly for moral support, as apparently she was deemed too "Astridish" to be of much help. That was Mavis' idiom, not hers.)

Said makeover also included a much-dreaded shopping session. Merida knew there were people out there who found shopping exciting and even therapeutic. Merida was not one of them. The stress-reducing qualities of finding the most perfect prom dress ever just eluded her entirely. Even if it was on sale, even if you had the perfect heels to go with it… Merida just didn't get the thrill – she thought it was plain crazy.

What Merida did have was money. And obscene amounts of it. More money than Hiccup, Punz, and Jack put together – way, way more. And even if her friends were crazy, if there was anything they deserved, it was thousand dollar prom dresses.

So that's how Merida went on her first ever true shopping excursion, wallet stuffed with her birthday money, with Tooth and Punzie squealing excitedly and Mavis and Astrid gawking at the terrifying price tags like normal people.

But Merida had to admit - when her mum wasn't there, shopping could even be kind of... fun. If only because her friends were likable human beings and her mum... was not. Although Merida did have to steer her friends away from several disasters, especially away from what was essentially a teenage-sized wedding dress.

"Ah'm not gonnae wear white, Punz," said Merida firmly, as Punzie oohed and ahhed over the cascade of ivory ruffles. "Ah'm not getting married."

"Yet," Rapunzel coughed, ignoring Merida's glare.

"Married to Hiccup? Seriously?"

"Why ever not?" Rapunzel replied reasonably. "I mean, he is cute."

"In a dorky, nerdy, kinda hipster sort of way," Mavis added, eyeing a form-fitting black dress in the corner. "But he'll do."

"Of course he'll do, he's mah friend," Merida snapped. "We're amigos. Homies. Bosom buddies. Whatever you wanna call it. Ah like him. Ah... and he's got a three-legged cat. Ah bet none of your dates have got three-legged cats."

About two weeks after the shopping excursion of doom, Hiccup, Merida, Punzie, and Flynn's limo slid smoothly to a stop at Jack's place, a little apartment right next to Burgess' lake. They'd all agreed to stick together - not just for the prom, of course, but for the post-prom party, for safety reasons. Even Gothel could have a point - why risk going alone when they could have fun together anyway?

Merida staggered out of the car and slammed on the bell to Jack's apartment, tapping her foot impatiently. That was her limo and Jack was moving at the pace of a crippled hippopotamus. God, why was he so useless?

Finally, after like literal eras,he opened the door. "Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late, ties are like the scourge of my existence."

"...your mum tied it fer ye," said Merida, unimpressed.

"Shut up."

"Get in loser, we're going shopping!" Punzie hollered, giggling madly.

"Ah'll never forgive ye fer showing her Mean Girls, twerp," Merida snapped. "You've corrupted her. Ah'll have to show her Nyan Cats, the ten hour version, to uncorrupt her. God."

"Overdramatic muc-"

Jack finally actually looked at her and did a double take. He made a noise that sounded suspiciously like "blargle" and then composed himself. "W-well… hey, Merida. Um. You look… female."

"Thanks," she said, rolling her eyes. "Ah try."

She supposed she did look kind of kickass, clad in turquoise embroidered with gold, standing tall in a pair of death-defying stiletto heels. And she'd managed to convince her mum to not overdo the makeup, which was a plus. When Hiccup had seen her, he'd gaped and blushed and done all the cute geeky Hiccupy stammering, so she guessed now it was Jack's turn.

Suddenly, Merida blushed furiously and glared at Jack. "Ah-are ye staring at mae chest?"

Jack hesitated, then scoffed. "What chest?"

Jack was so lucky Punzie was there to prevent his early death via stiletto heel decapitation. So fecking lucky.

Merida was not a dancer.

Hiccup was no paragon of grace either, but Rapunzel had somehow managed to hypnotize the senior class into believing that being a klutzy, hopeless dweeb was cute. Almost immediately he was swallowed by the masses. He and Merida shared a few dances, but after both their feet were sore enough from being stepped on (Hiccup was worse off, as Merida was armed with stilettos) they both agreed to take a break from the dancing until a slow dance rolled around.

So here she was, hidden in a shadowy corner next to the punch table, a migraine budding just over her left eyebrow as annoying music pounded into the walls. She had almost resigned herself to sullenly hiding in the bathroom for the rest of it (to avoid Punzie dragging her back into the heart of the dancing) when she spotted a familiar, scruffy-haired figure walking over to her.

Much to her astonishment, she actually had to suppress a smile at the sight of Jackson Overland, looking as stupid as ever in his (obviously rented) tux.

"Doesnae that hair ever lie flat?" Merida barked irritably as he sat down next to her, smirking.

"I'm gonna ignore the hypocrisy in that statement."

"Hmm."

"So I'm looking for the most infuriating girl in Burgess," he said innocently, cheeks dimpled. "Is she nearby, perchance?"

"Ah dunno, check the nearest trash can," Merida snarked. "Maebe you'll fall in."

"Yeah, you'd like that," Jack admitted.

"Ah won't confirm nor deny."

"So." Jack sidled up to her, looking a touch exhausted. "What are you doing here in the corner?"

"Same as you, trying mah best tae be a social recluse without Punzie swooping down on mae like some cheerful Batman and dragging mae into the dance." Merida then imitated Rapunzel, flattening her hair and opening her eyes wide. "'But Meri, this is the prom! You can't just get a dress like that and not dance, sweetheart!'"

Jack laughed. "Remind me never to play charades with you. You're kind of awful. Punz doesn't sound like she's high on helium, Meri."

Merida shot him a withering glare and cuffed him gently upside the head. "Shut it. So why'd you come over here? Dinnae ye have a pretty girl tae make out with?"

Automatically Jack looked into the crowd. Merida caught a glimpse of Tooth's (totally gorgeous) multi-colored dress before she disappeared into the crowd once more.

Jack smiled at the sight of her. "She is really fun, but she wanted one dance with the girls only. And also, I can't dance. At all. I mean, she's a college student, so I guess she's busy reliving the prom experience. I want Tooth to have her fun. She's great..."

"Quit getting moony on me, lover boy," Merida scoffed. "And what d'ye mean, ye cahn't dance? Ah saw ye."

"You call my three-legged staggering thingy dancing? Wow, you've got low standards."

"Ah - That does it!"

Jack must've been a fecking karma Houndi, because if Punzie hadn't shown up that exact second to demand prom selfies, Jackson Overland would have been dead. No one dares accuse Merida DunBroch of having low standards unless they want to lose a few choice body parts. No one.

"I'm going to make it my life goal to throw up in four different places before the night is over," Astrid proclaimed theatrically, giving Merida a companionable nudge. "C'mon, cheer up, Meri, this won't be like the homecoming party."

"Aye, it'll be worse," said Merida tersely. The post-homecoming party had been Merida's first co-ed social event (besides birthday parties of the kids of her mum's dumb society buddies) and Jack had decided to invite himself. Needles to say, things had not ended well. It was because of that party that the lot of them had all agreed that they were not to leave Jack and Merida alone in the same room for more than seven consecutive minutes. The material loss was just too great. That particular skirmish had involved a broadsword, a very unpleasant hangover, and a very traumatized chameleon. Merida felt her left eye twitch just thinking about it.

"Mother is gonna kill me," Rapunzel whimpered as the Arendelle mansion came into view. "What should I tell her?"

"Text her that you're sleeping over at Hiccup's, he looks pretty harmless," said Astrid.

"Hey!"

Merida shot Hiccup a wicked grin and squeezed his hand. "Plus, ah'm pretty sure Gothel thinks he's gay."

Hiccup started spluttering. "B-but I'm not! God, why are you people so-"

"I still can't believe Elsa let everyone practically invade her mansion," said Astrid, steamrolling Hiccup's stuttering with hardly a second glance. Merida was pretty sure Astrid didn't count Hiccup as interesting enough to take note of his existence. "God, Elsa's such an ice queen. She'd have guys chasing her around like drooling puppies if she weren't so damn bitchy.

"She's not a bitch..." said Rapunzel halfheartedly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Anna totally made you say that. Oh, and we don't have to worry about this being some stupid alcohol-free thingy, Scott Nout's bringing beer."

Merida was slightly amazed when Rapunzel didn't seem appalled at the mention of alcohol. Maybe they had reformed her prudish homeschooled ways after all. Instead she looked almost… psyched. "I wanna have a shot!" she said, in the same voice as a ten year old yelling "I wanna have a lollipop!"

It suddenly occurred that neither Jack nor Tooth had actually said anything for the past ten minutes, which was a miracle in itself. A quick look to where they were sitting made the answer apparent. "Oy, Jack, Tooth! Quit face-licking - we're here!"

"Why is this mae life?"

Merida plonked down beside Jack with long-suffering sigh and shot him a glare.

This was worse than the janitor closet. So, so much worse. And not just because she was surrounded by what looked like at first glance her mum's wardrobe, or because one wall was composed entirely of shoes.

He shrugged innocently. "You're gonna have to elaborate, Meri."

"Why am ah stuck in a closet fer seven minutes with a tragedy of a human being?" Merida snapped. "Is that elaborate enough for you?"

Jack ignored her and squinted at the shoe-laden wall. "That's a lot of shoes."

"Captain Obvious much?" Merida scoffed.

"Claws sheathed, Meri. Why don't we be, like, civil about this?"

"Ah can't be civil with you now," Merida hissed.

Jack narrowed his eyes. "Why not?"

"Being civil to you for a whole seven minutes?! Ah need to be, like, not drunk for that… or a lot more drunk! Either way ah'm not the right amount of drunk for dealing with you." Merida coughed on the smell of expensive perfume

"You're not even drunk. Like, at all. You've got the metabolism of a starved hyena."

Merida knew she was supposed to slug him at that point, but instead something inside her head clicked and she laughed instead. "Comes with being Scottish, ah think."

They fell into silence. Merida wondered idly what Hiccup was doing. It occurred to her that she'd probably should've kissed him. Oh, well. She'd kissed people before, so she could do it again. Actually, most of her experience had been with drunk semi-hot dudes in parties that Jack had been smart enough to avoid. Once, one of her mum's dumb society buddies that come over with his son and a friend that Maudie (the maid) was totally making passes towards. He was called Hunk or Hank or something. God, he'd been hot.

Her reminiscing about hot guys was (too soon) interrupted by a certain scruffy-haired dimwit when he coughed into the darkness. "Hi."

"Hello."

"So. Here we are. In this closet. On this lovely Friday evening."

"It's ah nice closet. Very, um. Uh..."

"Uh is right. I wasn't getting good vibes from it at first, but, y'know, after further exposure, I, um, I think I could get used to it. The closet, I mean."

"Ah thought it was a nice closet from the start, personally."

"You're losing the metaphor."

"There was a metaphor involved?"

"You're so dumb," Jack whispered, and it was at that moment that Merida realized he was so close that their noses were touching.

"You're a prick," Merida whispered back. She'd never taken a good, proper look at his eyes before – lovely and honey-brown, with the faintest flecks of blue dotted around the edges. And he had freckles. Why hadn't she noticed them before? They was cute. Really cute.

So she didn't mind quite as much as she should have when Jack's arm slithered around her waist and pulled her closer.

"Ye know, if ye wanted tae get into mae skirt, ye could just ask," Merida teased, looking pointedly at the arm. "No need tae be so cliché. Ah could just swoon!"

Jack blinked and looked first at his arm, then back at her, then back at his arm. "When did that get there?" he asked with such genuine puzzlement that Merida couldn't help but laugh.

"Ah'm not sure, but your arm has great taste."

"Your humility astounds me," Jack snarked.

"I've been told it's one of my better virtues."

"Besides your hair…"

Merida blinked. "Ye… ye think mah hair is nice?"

Jack had his nose pressed firmly against hers now. He smelled surprisingly sober actually – in fact, he smelled minty, like Tic Tacs. Probably Tooth's doing, actually, she was kinda obsessed with hygiene. Maybe it was kinda creepy, but he did smell pretty nice. And look pretty nice, too.

...what?

Jack smiled at her. "We're going to pretend I'm really drunk right now."

"But you're not really drunk," said Merida dumbly.

"But we're going to pretend," he insisted, and then he leaned towards her.

For a heartbeat, Merida felt her heart explode out of her ribs as Jack's lips brushed against hers and for a moment there was nothing but him and her and frost and fire.

Then they both sprang apart as someone slammed the closet door open.

"Gah!" Merida screeched. "Holy - what the..." She squinted into the light, breathing hard.

"Seven minutes are up, you berks," Rapunzel slurred. God, she was so drunk. "Now get your butts outta there before I get you arrested for indecency in front of Elsa's new kitten heels."

Merida scrambled to her feet. Her lungs felt odd and constricted and tight. She looked over at Jack, but he'd already strolled over to Tooth, smiling at her. Something stabbed in Merida's chest - that was her smile - before they started kissing. Snogging would probably be more accurate.

She didn't care, of course. He was probably totally drunk anyway.

"Hey, Merida, you okay?"

Hiccup - of course. He was always such a sweetheart. Cute and smart and snarky. There was nothing wrong with him at all. Really, she liked him. Really. "Yeah. Yeah, ah'm fine."

Jack finally broke off from his snogging and had the goddamn nerve to smirk at her like a fucking jackass. Merida's knees did not appreciate the effect that smirk had on them.

"Is there something wrong, Frizzball?" Jack asked innocently.

"…you," Merida grumbled.

Suddenly she grabbed Hiccup by the shoulders and steered him out of the room. There were some things that he needed educating on.

Approximately ten minutes later, Merida came to the conclusion that while Hiccup might have been new to the world of kissing, he wasn't valedictorian for no reason - that boy was a fast learner.

She also came to the conclusion that she and Jack had a purely platonic relationship. Totally.