THE BIG GIANT RIPOFF SHOW!
by Father M.J. Hulk
OPENING WORDS: Hello everyone! I'm Father Hulk of the St. Eva Church. Welcome to my latest project, which is exactly what it sounds like... stories that rip off of other things. We'll start with Zelda, and then every week we'll travel around to the different sections to present the best in ripoff comedy! The stories may be a bit short, but with all the inside humor, it's bound to make up for it. So let's get started! Father Manson, roll tape please!
PDG NETOWORK PRESENTS...
IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE St. EVA CHURCH...
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: INDEPENDENCE DAY ACCORDING TO THE CARTRIDGE'S BULIT IN CLOCK!
President Whitless sat on Air Force One with his face in his hands. It had been less than 24 hours since monsters had appeared out of nowhere and ravaged 3 small towns in the midwest.
At that time, General G. Orgon came into the room.
"Any word from my mistress yet?" Whitless asked.
Orgon closed his eyes. "The VW never made it to the base. They tried using her son's Darth Vader walkie talkies, but they couldn't get through."
Whitless sighed again. That woman meant everything to him... at least everything that his "wife" wasn't giving him at home.
Meanwhile, David Gabriel and his father Julius sat in another wing of the plane.
"Uhhhh..." David moaned.
"It's Air Force One, and you're getting sick?" his father asked in disbelief.
"It's not the plane," David croaked, "It's this landscape! Look, look at it! It's winter over here, summer over there, it's...URP!" Off to the bathroom he ran.
Back in the presidential area, Whitless was having a meeting with his top officers.
"I spoke with the joint chiefs when they arrived at NORAD." the Secretary of Defense was saying. "They agree we must counterattack with all four buttons."
"No, no!" said David, interrupting them. "You're not gonna do all the buttons at once! You're gonna erase them and us at the same time! If we press all the buttons then everyone else is gonna press em... ever hear of "cartridge initialization?" It can't be allowed!"
"Shut up!" screamed the Secretary of Defense. "Get out of here!"
"Hey, don't tell him to shut up!" said Julius, bursting in. "You'd all be down 50 HP now if it wasn't my David! Nobody did anything to prevent this!"
"There was nothing we could do!" said General G. Orgon.
"Don't hand me that! It was what, in 2001, you found that essence?"
Whitless rolled his eyes.
"Yeah that thing you found out in the ruins! David, what was it? Tarm Ruins, right? Tarm Ruins!"
"Sir..." began the General.
"Yeah you had the monsters, and ya had the essence! They were all locked up in a dungeon. What was it? Ancient Ruins!"
The Secretary of Defense immediatley assumed a guilty look.
"You knew then, and you did nothing!"
President Whitless put his hand on Julius's shoulder. "Sir... despite what you may have heard from the Gorons... there has never been any essences, recovered by our government. There's no 'ancient ruins.' There's no recovered 'essence.'"
"Uh, Mr. President?"
They all looked up at the secretary of defense.
"That's not entirely accurate."
After several moments of stunend silence, Nelson Muntz poked his head in, pointed at the president and said "Ha HA!"
LOCATION: NORTHWEST HOLODRUM
SECRET MILLITARY INSTALLATION
CODE NAMED "ANCIENT RUINS"
"SIR!" A group of Stalfos knights saluted Whitless and his men as they approached the entrance to a tall tower.
A young man in a green tunic met them at the door. "Mr. President... welcome to the Ancient Ruins. Please follow me." He led them into a deep hallway.
Whitless was amazed. Monsters were everywhere, working on their fighting skills so that they could help the government defend the world!
"Where do you guys get funding for something like this?" Whitless cried.
"Well ya don't think they spent 500 Rupees on a shovel, 800 Rupees on some bombs, do ya?" Julius asked from the back of the group. Whitless shot him an acid glare.
Link led them up to a locked door. "Now here's the door to the main training hall. It's about two floors above the surface..."
"Let's see it." Whitless interrupted.
"I'm sorry, sir, it's dangerous. It's full of cracked floors and traps. If we all go to the training hall..."
"Open... the door."
Link was taken aback, but immediately removed a small key from his bag and pushed the door open.
They were soon approached by a winged monster that flew in through the south door.
"Mr. President, this is Vire." Link said. "He's been serving as miniboss of this dungeon for the past 500 years."
Whitless nodded. "How ya doin."
"Gar har har... the pleasure is all mine. I guess you've come to see the big cucco, huh? Follow me! Nar har har!"
Vire led them to a large chamber, and they immediately saw this "big cucco." It was an Essence of Nature, gleaming atop a pedestal.
"As you can see," Vire continued, "We've been trying to unleash its power since Level 4, but I'm afraid it's been going much slower than we originally planned."
President Whitless noticed doors marked with the names of the other seven Essences of Nature.
"Don't tell me you've had these things through eight dungeons and you don't know anything about them." he said.
"We know tons about them." Link said. "But we just can't figure out how to combine their power."
"You said you'd be able to unleash their power. Can you tell us anything useful that it would do?"
"Har har... destroy the monsters for one thing." Vire replied.
Suddenly, a Gibdo mummy rushed in.
"Vire! They've taken out Horon Village!"
"What???"
"It's gone, sir."
Link was aghast. "My God... the jewler... Bippin and Blossom..."
"Mr. President," said the secretary of Defense, "We must press the buttons!"
"Is the Maku Tree okay?" Link asked.
"He's alive, but he doesn't have long to go." The mummy answered.
"Come on, everyone, we've got to go see the Maku Tree!"
Vire led them to the top of the tower.
"Get the rest of the monsters in the second helicopter!" shouted General G. Orgon as the choppers lifted off.
Finally, after much planning and running around, the forces of America and Holodrum were ready to take out General Onox and his monsters.
"You will have one Maku Seed placed inside Moosh's mouth," the Orgon was saying. "You must have him spit it right into the core of his castle, and the power of the Essences will be released!"
Link and David were getting ready. They would ride Moosh, a blue winged Polar Bear, up to the Northern Peak, where they would destory the forces that were destroying the world.
Finally, after all the planes were in the air, Link and David used a Gale Seed to warp to North Horon, then started the walk to Onox's castle.
Right as they walked up the steps and into the Shadow Barrier, Link took out the Maku Seed.
"Dude, what the hell are you doing?" David asked.
"It's not me! It's the game! It's overriding the system!" Link cried. The Maku Seed unleased its power, and Onox's castle crumbled to the ground.
David stood there, not believing it. "NO FAIR!" he whined. "I wanted a big battle! I wanted action!"
"Oh well. What do you want to do now?"
"Want to play computer games?"
"Sure." Link replied. "Computer games kick ass!"
THE END!
A PRESENTATION OF PDG NETWORK, IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE ST. EVA CHURCH!
TEASER
Be sure to join us next week as "Back to the Future" jettesons to a galaxy far, far away! Anakin and Kitster play around with a pod that can travel through time... until it becomes a lot more than a game! That's next week in the STAR WARS section! Until next time, buh bye!
Email the author at: FatherHulk601@aol.com