Baby Can I Hold You Tonight
The door slammed behind him and Ianto felt a small childish satisfaction from the disruptive sound. He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair glancing around his small flat and mentally drawing up a list of tasks for the evening. It was rare he got some guaranteed time off, so whilst the other version of him was running around Cardiff after wayward time agents, he was going to get something done.
10 minutes later found him sat on his sofa starring blankly at the wall. Not what he had planned. His mind was whirling, thoughts and feelings spinning wildly around in his head and he couldn't find any order in which to deal with them. Jack was back. Jack was back and he'd agreed to go on a date with him, what the hell was he thinking? Jack was never the dating type, surely he was just humouring him to resume their previous arrangement, and he wasn't ready to go back to what was before. To much time had passed, things had changed, he had changed and he liked that change. He was more involved with the team, more appreciated, and he didn't want Jacks return to change that.
A tentative knock on his front door drew him from his thoughts and he turned to stare at it as though it would open itself. Deciding to ignore it he turned away to get himself a drink but his guest was persistent. Scrubbing his hands over his face roughly he strolled over to his door, intent on getting rid of whoever it was as quickly as possible. He pulled open the door.
"Uh, J-Jack," Ianto stammered, shocked at the sight of the imposing figure in his doorway. He slipped his hands into his pockets feeling awkward as silent seconds passed by.
"Ianto," Jack rubbed the back of his neck and avoided Ianto's eyes, "Can I come in?"
Ianto stuttered for a moment then shook his head in frustration, annoyed with himself for looking a fool and repeating his awkward behaviour from when they were alone in the office. He settled for saying nothing, instead gesturing inwards with a movement of his hand. Jack muttered his thanks and slipped through the doorway only to resume his imposing, stiff-shouldered position in the centre of the living room.
"Why are you here Jack?" Ianto asked as he moved away from the door and stood in front of his guest.
Jack didn't waste any time, "I know we talked, a bit, in the office earlier," the corner of his mouth hinted at a small smirk as he thought about that very conversation, "but we didn't really… arrange anything, and I'm serious about taking you out somewhere, rift permitting and all. But I also wanted to talk to you properly, about me leaving and, how you really are, so I've come to…" He trailed off and frowned at the floor before looking back up at Ianto, expecting him to say something.
"I…" Ianto sighed and tried again, "What are you trying to say? That you've come to apologise?" he asked, looking Jack straight in the eye.
"Um, no, not that, not exactly."
Ianto raised an eyebrow but otherwise gave nothing else away.
"My leaving wasn't a mistake, I had to go, I needed answers, and I wasn't finding them on Earth. But for what it's worth, I… I wish I hadn't been gone so long, so… yeah…" Jack shrugged and ran a hand through his hair, seemingly frustrated at not being able to say what he wanted.
Ianto signed and turned his head to stare blankly out the window, not wanting to meet Jack's unsure gaze.
Sorry,
Is all that you can't say.
Years gone by and still,
Words don't come easily.
Like sorry, like sorry.
~TW~
Ianto pushed away from his stance leaning against the door jam of Jack's office. Striding across the platform, past a still shocked Tosh and Owen, he descended the steps to his own station and shrugged on his jacket. He placed the glass he was holding on his desk and stood, in a daze, staring at it. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Tosh and Owen gathering their things to leave, the former calling a soft "bye Ianto" as they disappeared through the cog wheel door. Ianto signed at the note of sympathy he heard in her voice. He thought about leaving himself, he really should leave, and he definitely shouldn't go up to Jack's office again to see if he needed anything before he left. At least that's what he told himself he was doing as he turned and re-ascended the stairs, tentatively entering Jacks office. He stood in the doorway staring at Jack as he watched a CCTV feed that was absent of people, but he had a feeling he knew what, or who, had been on it previously. He was about to leave without a word, already regretting his decision, when Jack turned around and looked at him with unsurprised eyes. 'Probably expected me to stay, its not like I have any dignity left,' Ianto thought bitterly, but he didn't let it show on his face. Jack opened his mouth to speak but Ianto cut him off, wanting to leave as quickly as possible.
"I was wondering if you needed anything before I head home, but I'm not the person you want anything from am I?" he said in a monotonous tone. Jack looked at the floor, if it was anyone else Ianto would have thought he was ashamed, but he wasn't fooled. The silence stretched on.
"Well if that's all then," Ianto paused, as if expecting Jack to contradict him, "I'll leave you to it," and he turned to leave.
"Ianto... Ianto wait!" Jacks voice was rough, but desperate.
Ianto stopped in the doorway but didn't turn around, choosing instead to stare out across the hub and wish he was at home.
"Ianto I… I didn't mean for it to sound… like it did," Jack sighed with frustration. "I just don't want to loose any of my team, if I'd have made her retcon Rhys she would have walked, and I didn't want that."
Ianto couldn't keep silent any longer, he rounded on Jack, "You know damn well she wouldn't have walked!" he bit out, pinning Jack with his gaze. But it didn't last; suddenly he lost all his steam and looked at the floor, "Torchwood isn't a job you can just leave."
There was a moment of silence before Jack rose from his seat, "Maybe you're right, maybe she wouldn't have left," he said, "but every member of this team is equally important to me, so I couldn't take that risk, as I wouldn't with any of you, and you should know that."
Ianto looked at the floor, he didn't want to try and explain to Jack that even though he claimed they were all equal, it didn't look that way to him or the rest of the team. And he didn't want to try and explain how it made him feel when Jack acted like Gwen was all he could see when she was in the room, or all he could think about when the entire team was at risk. He put his hands in his pockets, feeling uncomfortable and wishing Jack could just see so he didn't have to explain. He took a deep breath and raised his head to look into Jack's eyes, "I'm going home now Jack, I'll see you tomorrow."
Jack frowned, "Ianto, I thought that, you know, maybe you'd want to stay tonight, or something."
Ianto looked sad, "Jack I'm not going to stay and watch you wish she was here instead."
Jack continued to frown and opened his mouth to speak but found he was unsure what to say. Ianto turned to go and finally Jack realised he had to say something, "Ianto, don't go, please?" his voice was quiet and there was an uncertain note to it that made Ianto stop in his exit once more. "I know what I said earlier might have, I don't know, sounded like something else to you but-"
Ianto cut him off, "Not just me Jack, Owen and Tosh noticed it too, they see the way you speak to her, the way you treat her differently from us, from me, and I can't stand the sympathy looks I get from Tosh." Ianto was getting more agitated, maybe it was time Jack found out how he felt.
"Ianto I…" Jack looked distressed, "You're seeing something that isn't there, maybe I do treat her differently, but it's not with the reasons that you think. I treat you all differently in different ways because you're all vital to this team in different ways. I don't want it to look like she's more important than you because she's not." Jack's voice suddenly became very quiet, "you have no idea what it felt like today watching, useless, as that man held a gun to your head. So if you ever doubted me I'm…" he huffed a frustrated sigh, "Do you think you could…?"
"You want me to forgive you?" Ianto stated without emotion.
Jack shuffled uncomfortably and gave him a pleading expression.
Forgive me,
Is all that you can't say.
Years gone by and still,
Words don't come easily.
Like forgive me, forgive me.
~TW~
Ianto watched as the street lamps outside his bedroom window battled with the surrounding darkness. It was 3 in the morning and the final dregs of Cardiff's night life were staggering home. He stood looking out his window, only in a pair of grey pyjama trousers, and wide awake. His face was blank but his stance was tense with his arms folded over his bare chest. His eyes were glazed and unfocused as he thought back over his day. Just another day at Torchwood. Behind him he heard gentle click as his front door was pushed closed but he didn't turn around. Soft footsteps approached his bedroom and his door creaked open. There was a pause, a breath, then warm arms circled his waist and a face buried itself in his shoulder. His guest took a deep breath before speaking.
"How long have you been stood here? You're freezing and you should be asleep," he heard gentle tutting and the arms surrounding him tightened fractionally.
Ianto sighed heavily, "Then why are you here Jack? You don't exactly come here for sleep," he bit out, tiredness making him grouchy.
"That's not true," Jack huffed; "I'm here to sleep now, need it, rough weevil chase, was hoping to be here earlier but…" he shrugged.
Ianto turned in Jacks arms and curled his hands around his biceps, "I've told you before to call me when there's a weevil alert," he said softly, inspecting him for any lingering signs of injury.
Jack shrugged again, "I can handle it." He pressed a soft, brief kiss to Ianto's lips before releasing him and walking towards the bed as he slipped off his shirt, braces and trousers. He glanced back at Ianto, "I assume I can stay, right?"
Ianto smiled lightly at the unsure tone to Jacks voice and just nodded, climbing into his side of the bed. He faced back towards the window, momentarily lost in thought once again. The bed dipped and moved next to him as Jack tried to get comfortable, finally settling with a contented sigh. They lay there quietly in the dark, listening to the silence until Jack spoke up.
"Come 'ere," he said, his voice muffled by the pillow. He reached out and wrapped an arm round Ianto's middle pulling him gently across the bed until he was pressed back against Jack chest. He curled his body around him and pressed a light kiss to the back of his head before his breathing settled into a steady rhythm. Ianto smiled again, his whole body relaxed and he covered Jacks hand on his chest with his own before he too drifted off to sleep.
But you can say baby,
Baby can I hold you tonight,
Maybe if I told you the right words,
At the right time, you'd be mine.
~TW~
The fire raced through his lungs, tearing at every cell, starving him of oxygen. His eyes burned with tears as he looked at the face above him, contorted in pain but still the beautiful face he'd always hoped would be there when he died. He took shallow breaths, trying in vain to prolong the time he had left. He was scared, he could feel the darkness clouding his eyes from the outwards in, everything was getting dimmer. He tried to focus on the man who held him in his arms.
"I love you." His throat hurt with the effort and his voice broke at the end as he gasped desperately for air.
"Don't." In that whispered word Ianto's heart broke. He didn't doubt that Jack loved him back, it was that even after everything they'd been through together, he still could bring himself to say the words out loud.
I Love You,
Is all that you can't say.
Years gone by and still,
Words don't come easily,
Like I love you, I love you.
Jack collapsed down beside Ianto and he tried to keep a tight grip around his waist, but his arms were weakening as they both fell into the darkness together.
But you can say baby,
Baby can I hold you tonight,
Maybe if I told you the right words,
At the right time, you'd be mine.
END