"I shouldn't be alive..." The words escaped my lips, echoing somewhat too loudly in the stilled silence of the room. The only other person that was with me at this time, having to always keep his eyes on me especially in this period where it's even more dangerously obvious that someone out there was intent to get me in their hands, was Levi-heichou.
"I shouldn't be alive..." Repeating this over and over again, the words rang incessantly in my ears, like a chant or spell of some sort that made me want to believe that yes, i shouldn't be alive and maybe i should let myself be killed or better yet, kill myself with my own-
Before i knew it, a sharp pain had struck across my right cheek and i was snapped out from my suicidal train of thoughts. I didn't bother to look up, lashes lowering as i concentrated hazily against the floor that sparkled clean underneath my foot. It's...kind of strange to remember how i just cleaned this room with Petra and Auruo just a few days ago...Back then, we were still able to joke together, laughing at the way Auruo kept accidentally biting on his tongue as he talked. I could even still distinctly feel the warmth of the arms that locked themselves around my neck in a choke hold as they kept on threatening that they'll show me who's boss if i continued to laugh. That was Auruo a few days ago.
Now all that was left was the image of his lifeless eyes, staring back at me through the blood that trickled drip drip drip down his face. I could still remember those eyes...those eyes that used to be filled with so much life and fire and passion now were only the remnants of what had gone dead - emptiness, blankness.
And Gunter, Erd, Petra. Their faces flashed in my mind and my eyes grew wide. The memories from when I'd spent time with them in the headquarters, from the time when I'd first met them, everything, everything that i've gone through with them was all coming back to me, flooding me in a sudden crushing wave that threatened to drown me within it.
Tears welled in my wide, unseeing eyes and they fell, drop by drop down to the floor, creating stainless wet blots that marred the otherwise clean, pristine white floor.
Why did I have to remember all of these now? Why now? When all of them are dead-
There were still so many things I had to say to them. So, so many things I wanted to say- now that they were gone, all these words remained piled up inside me, left to rot silently away inside.
It's my fault for believing them instead of believing myself. If I had just chosen to believe in myself, this sort of thing wouldn't happen. If I had just chosen to believe in myself more, they would probably still be alive right now...! It felt like a silent scream in my head as this thought led on. Eventually, i couldn't control my own thoughts and they began to reform into a suicidal chain of thoughts again.
I wasn't aware that i had voiced all of them out. This time, Levi hadn't bother to hold back the strength in his punch. It stung so much that more tears burst out from my eyes. When i looked up at him, i could only see cool, silent eyes staring at me from above...as expressionless as well. I wondered if he was even affected at all by their deaths. Somehow the thought that he could easily brush their deaths away and maintain his cool and calm composure even now made something in me snapped.
"Aren't you feeling sad at all?! They're your squad, they have been with you for so long! How can you still look so calm after all that has happened?!" It was an angry outburst stemmed from pure frustration, aside from the fact that something in me was slowly breaking inside as i learned the fact that i still couldn't accept this. Coping this was even harder by myself, knowing that i was the only one wallowing in my own misery while...Levi looked as normal as every other day.
For a brief moment, i saw a flash of a glint in his eyes, but before i can even decipher what it meant, he had already took hold of my collar and dragged me up to my feet, bringing my face close to his so that our eyes were practically on the same level. His eyes were cold, expressionless and unmerciful as ever as they bore into mine apathetically.
"Does grieving for them makes any difference? You think feeling sad and crying for them right now will do any good at all?" He muttered lowly, deep and dangerous voice chilling me to the very core. "If you have so much time to grief for them, spend them on finding ways to avenge their deaths instead." Right after he said that, he had shoved me back to the chair where i almost lost my balance as the chair threatened to rock backward.
I glared at him hard. He merely looked back at me with the same eyes, same expression. It was unnerving, my fists clenched automatically at my side.
"Eren." He said, sharp and stern. I was used to standing in attention the moment he called out to me, but not this time. "Eren." He ordered again, using a stronger tone of voice that would usually make everyone around him wordlessly obey.
I gritted my teeth and looked down, half-stubborn and half-reluctant to obey because i didn't want to show him the fresh tears that had began to glass my eyes again. Everything was blurry in vision, his image wouldn't even form properly in my eyes if i looked at him at this rate.
Silence reigned for a few moments. I tried not to make too much noise, but it was hard with the sobs that kept bubbling in my chest.
"You can cry all you want. You can grief all you want. But you have to know nothing you do will ever bring them back. The only thing you can ever do in return now is to atone for their deaths..." My chin was tilted upward by rough, precise fingers. What met my vision was Levi's calm face. I tried to look past the blurriness of my eyes, to look into his eyes and see what was inside those dark depths, but it was hard. Tears kept filling my eyes and they seemed to not want to stop at the moment. "...You're the hope that they have entrusted their lives on. Don't let their deaths be in vain. Become stronger, Eren. You have to become stronger and put an end to all of these. Only you can do this. I know they believe that you're the only one who can do this enough to want to make them put their lives on the line to protect you."
His words rung in my ears, and for some reason it only managed to make me sob harder. At that moment, i suddenly realized the heaviness that were weighing my shoulders. With his words, came the realization that i was shouldering the hopes and the cost of lives of those people who had died for my sake. The realization hadn't hit me as strong as it had right now.
I didn't know how long i stayed crying like this, but it must have been a while because when my tears had dried, i looked up to see that i was all alone in this room.
Night time was silent in the headquarters. It didn't contain the usual noisiness that would come from downstairs when all four of my seniors would gather and talked about practically everything and made fun of each other. This noisiness usually persisted into late nights and strangely, it was also these familiar noises that kept me company as i slept, reminding me that i wasn't alone and there were kind and nice people down there who will always be there to protect me and be the people who i can always rely on whenever i needed them. Without me knowing, i had somehow came to secretly regard them as, probably, people that feel like family to me...It was something that came naturally with the time that i had spent with them.
However, tonight everything was silent. Too silent that whenever i let my my eyes close, there was only the deafening silence and shrouding darkness plaguing my whole senses. It was lonely, it was gloomy-
Before i realized it, i was already out of my bed and stepping out of my room. The corridor was engulfed in mostly darkness, except for the area that was lighted dimly with candles. I touched my way through as i made my way down the flight of stairs leading to the main hall. Aside from the candles that flickered every once in a while in the darkness, there was nothing else there.
I stayed in the kitchen for a while, sitting on a chair idly as i stared into space, wrapped only in the thin layer of my night clothes while i let the wind from the night breezed in through the open window.
Sometime into the night, the slight creaking noise of a door from somewhere had brought me back to full attention. I had almost fallen asleep, but now i was wide awake as my back stretched taut and rigid, concentration at its utmost on my ears as i tried to catch on the sounds that were made. It sounded like it had came from the front door. Cautiously, i padded in that direction, trying to make as minimal sound as possible as i neared what had led me to the living room.
One hand on the wall, i peered from a fair distance in the spacious living room as my eyes spotted the familiar mass of cropped black hair. It was a bit dark, but i could see how Levi's back was bent as he slouched on the chair. His hands were holding onto a white envelope and he seemed to be staring at it without having any further intention to open it. It had at least stayed like that for a while until he finally decided to peel off the sealant and took out the content inside the envelope.
I watched as he read it for a long time, his whole form staying slouched on the chair the whole time he read it, stilled and unmoving. It was sudden, but when he finally moved, it was to place the letter back inside the envelope. In the brief seconds he had brought his face up then, i could see the emotions in his eyes.
For once, i witnessed something that was very close to sadness in his eyes. It had me standing rooted to the spot, unable to move or say a thing even when he finally noticed i was there. The moment his eyes flitted to me, the emotion had already vanished from those dark depths.
"Eren." He said as a mean to acknowledge my presence there. I stared at him for a bit more before finally finding the will in me to say something.
"Where did you go?"
A slight pause. "To their homes."
I understood immediately without him having to elaborate further about it. My eyes landed on the envelope in his hand and i wondered if i could ask about it too. He noticed and maybe he was trying to avoid from letting me ask about it, so he had tucked it into his pocket as he rose from the chair, walking past me-
"I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." Leaving no room for me to ask further.
"Levi-heichou!" I stopped him before he could take a step further. My back remained turned towards him, but i could feel that his eyes were on me.
"I-I'm sorry for just now."
After watching him just now, it had all became clear. I was stupid to think that he could be accepting all these so easily. After all, wasn't he attached to his squad more than i am? The time i spent with his squad was nothing comparable to the time he had spent with his. They had gone through countless expedition together, seen everything together, survived through the years with the help of each other. Surely...surely the connection Levi had with his squad was so much more than i ever had.
I know now that he was just taking this as hard as i was, probably even worse.
I felt stupid for saying those things to him before. Felt guilty.
"I-I said things without really considering about how you really feel." If anyone, Levi was probably the one who was bearing the brunt of sadness hardest of them all.
"...It's fine, Eren. It's late. You should go to sleep." He patted my shoulder gently before resuming upstairs. I turned and watched as his back disappeared from my sight. It had gone silent once again.
For the next following nights, Levi disappeared and would only come back after midnight. I noticed this and began to stay awake more frequently in the kitchen, sitting there and waiting for him to come back.
"You should go to sleep." It was what he always said when he saw me standing in front of the entrance. I would ask where he had gone to, and he would give the same reply. I went for a walk.
Until one night he didn't return. It had been way past midnight, almost bordering dawn time and that was when i became really worried. Pulling over another layer of cloth over my shoulders, i went outside to search for him. It was dark. And awfully cold. I wondered if he had worn enough to fend off the coldness.
The first night he went missing he had told me that he went to visit their homes. What happened the nights after, i wasn't certain anymore. Taking a walk seemed to come out a bit doubtful given that he would only return back after hours of disappearing.
So where could he have gone to? I had no idea, but i continued searching for him regardless. A strong chilly wind blew past and i shivered while pulling the cloth closer to my body. Tonight had been especially cold too...I wondered if he's okay.
I ran along the empty streets, my guide being only the dim lights of the lamp post lining the streets. There was no one in sight even after running for a long time. In the end, i stopped, breathing erratically as i tried to inhale the air that had been lost from too much running.
He was nowhere to be found in the streets. And it wasn't possible that he was still at their homes at this kind of hour. In the end, my thought led to a place where it was worth sparing time to search for...Given the situation, he might possibly be there.
My legs ended up running to the graveyard situated at the outskirts of the town. The sky was still dark, but the stars scattered above was pretty bright to give some semblance of a light along the path i trudged on. I knew where their graves were located. I was there when their funerals were held. I could still remember...Erd's mother and lover, Gunter's grandfather and grandmother, Auruo's family, Petra's father, all of them were there at that time. Levi too.
The next few steps confirmed my assumption. Levi was here afterall. Resting against the back of the tomb stones of his comrades, his eyes were closed. He was sleeping. Taking quiet steps, I approached the unmoving form. I pulled off the extra layer of cloth on my body and covered him with it, but the action had made him awake, his eyes immediately snapping wide open to register the presence of another in his vicinity. It was probably years of always being on guard in whatever situation, even in his sleep, that had made him such a light sleeper and that even with the slightest contact could jolt him awake. When he realized it was only me, his form visibly loosened.
"You didn't come back home." I said. It was pretty self-explanatory from there on as to why i was here in front of him now.
He picked himself up, brushing the dirt off his pants. I stood up from my earlier crouching position and stared at him again.
"Yeah. Fell asleep..." He stated the obvious, avoiding my eyes.
"Do you go here every night?" I was referring to the rest of the nights where he had disappeared.
"Yeah."
It was the only answer i needed from him. Later, my eyes fell to the envelope that was laid in front of the tomb stone where he had been resting against. It was Petra's.
"This envelope...You had it with you that night too." I said, crouching down in front of Petra's tombstones and running my eyes over it. Absently, i traced my fingers against the name that was engraved on it, almost caressing.
"...It was Petra's letter to her father."
At that, i looked up in confusion. As if understanding what i wanted to ask(why do you have it), he continued. "Her father told me to keep it."
Levi had been staring into a distance, eyes unseeing as he seemed to reminisce something. It was a sign that my question will only be till that extent. I doubted asking any further than that would gain any response from him. But i had a feeling i knew what he was thinking. As i waited silently for him, my hands idly plucked the wild grasses that were growing at the side. I did it for all the four graves, taking my time to examine them at the same time. Levi had went back to sit against Petra's tomb stones, now staring at nothing in particular as he left me to my own devices. Just like that, we remained in each other's company until the first ray of the morning sun peeked through the horizon.
"Let's go back home. " Levi finally said. He stood up and held his hand out towards me. I blinked before gingerly reaching my own hand out to his. He pulled me up and i was raised to my feet. He was about to let my hand go, but i caught it in my hold and grasped onto it more tightly than before. His eyes were boring into me, but i still didn't let go.
It was the last visit. In a few more hours, the operation in hunt for the female Titan will commence again. This will be the last time we will be visiting their graveyard before we were back to our mission again. This time, it will be just the two of us.
Wordlessly, he allowed me to keep hold on his hand as he led us down the path. My hold on him remained tight.
I won't let the same thing happened to him. I will protect him, even if it meant risking my life for his sake.
Similarly, Levi would be thinking the same as he returned the hold.
This time, it will just be the two of us. But we will survive through it together.