NOCTIS AND THE FIERY DUMP
Written by Christopher Rangel
Noctis Lucis Caelum really fuckin' liked spicy food. So much so that it almost killed him.
One day, Noctis and his Chocobros were driving down the road.
"I am very hungry", said Noctis.
"Shit", said Ignis. "Perhaps we should pull over and I can cook something up!"
"No!" said Noctis. "I want restaurant food!"
"It has been a while since we've eaten in a restaurant" said Gladio.
"Yes, but... but you're not the majority", said Ignis. "Prompto, you're on my side, right?"
Prompto shrugged, his blond hair blowing in the breeze. "Sorry, bud; I've eaten a lot of your shit. I wanna try eating someone else's shit for once".
"Y'all fucking suck", said Ignis, and so he pulled over in a nearby parking lot near a bunch of food stands.
"Anything in particular you're in the mood for, Noct?" asked Prompto.
"I really want something spicy, like hot wings", said Noctis.
"Did somebody say hot wings?" came a familiar, slimy, Britishman voice.
"Oh no", said Prompto. They all turned around and saw Ardyn Izunia sitting in one of the food stalls, with a big sign over it which read "ARDYN'S INFERNIAN WINGS!"
"This asshole again?" said Gladio.
"That was rude", said Ardyn, waving the autumn hair coming out from under his hat a little. "Anyways, if I were really an asshole, would I produce these extremely tasty and spicy wings? No. I should think that I should produce nothing but shit (foreshadowing?)"
"How hot are we talking?" asked Noctis.
"You're not seriously going to buy wings from this bug flicker of random twitching mothers that he fucks, are you?!" screamed Ignis.
"They are the hottest that money can buy, and only ten dollars for eight wings!" said Ardyn, his usual pompous manner of speaking still exuding. Noctis handed Ardyn ten dollars.
"Noct!" said Gladio.
"Its fine", said Noctis. "I'm gonna show this filth that this shit is pussy shit, oh shit yeah!"
"I hope you know what you're doing", said Prompto.
"Only the finest wings for the fairest prince in all the land!" Ardyn said dramatically as he handed Noctis the box of wings.
"Thanks", Noctis simply said. He took the wings, then turned, the wind blowing his jacket dramatically.
They took a seat at a picnic table nearby. Back at the stand, Ardyn kept looking over to the Chocobros with an amused grin. Noctis was aware of this and began to scowl.
"What. A. Creep", said Prompto.
"As long as his wings are good, I don't give a shit (foreshadowing?)" said Noctis.
"Glad to know that you'd rather eat the Imperial Chancellor's cooking than mine, Noct", Ignis said, venom in his voice.
"Would you fuck off?" said Noctis. "I've had your fucking skewers day after day for the past months, I need a fucking break!"
"Enough talk", said Gladio. "Eat up!"
"Right!" said Noctis. He opened up the box, and immediately his eyes stung with the vapor of spicy goodness. He was already crying, and he hadn't even picked up a wing yet.
"Infernian sauce", said Noctis. "That's some potent shit."
"The potentist!" said Ardyn, who at that moment sat at the table.
"Who invited you here?" asked Prompto.
"Why, I did, of course!" said Ardyn. "I wanted to see how our dear, dear prince fared against the sauce."
"What is in this?" asked Noctis.
"I'll tell you after you've eaten it", said Ardyn. "Bon apetit, as they say on the Moon."
"Well, here we go", said Noctis, and he picked up a wing. As he made contact with the wing, he could feel the sauce eating away at the skin.
"You're not going to pussy out, are you?" asked Ardyn.
"No", said Noctis. "I WILL NOT!" and, after dipping the wing into some delicious, creamy bleu cheese, he stuck the entire wing in his mouth and peeled all the meat from the bone. As soon as the sauce first made contact with his tongue, he felt the urge to throw up. Still, he suppressed that urge, continued to chew, swallowed, and carried on to the next wing. All the while there was a laughing sort of glimmer in Ardyn's eyes.
Wing after wing, Noctis fought the pain, until eventually he was able to ease his mind into accepting it. By the time he was done, he was covered in sweat, his lips were swollen, and his tongue, seeming to have an acid burn here and there, was lolling out of his mouth.
"I'm impressed", said Ardyn. "I hardly thought you'd make it through one. I suppose I'll let you know what the sauce is made from. Cayenne pepper sauce, butter, and a healthy dosage of Ifrit the Infernian's lava semen!"
"Lava semen!" Ignis shouted, indignantly. "That's the forbidden ingredient!"
"Indeed!" said Ardyn. "Toodaloo!" and with that he was gone.
"How are you feeling?" asked Prompto.
"I feel like the fucking King of Kings!" said Noctis. "There are no hot wings in the entire damn world that can best me!"
"Nice", said Gladio, giving him a high five.
"Come on, we must move", said Ignis. "Don't let the wings distract you from the fact that we still have to make it to your wedding, Noct."
"Right", said Noctis. And with that, they hit the road again.
THE NEXT DAY
Noctis had really been feeling those wings go through his system, and he was terrified. He was no stranger to the experience of eating hot wings, and he knew that, as much as it might hurt going in, it was even worse coming out. As this day was carrying on, he could feel his stomach become more and more upset, and, as the moment of fiery climax approached, his butthole clenched more and more often.
He'd already had one false alarm earlier in the day; once he was ready to accept his fate and unload his feces, he was disappointed to find it a quick and painless shit; the true beast was waiting inside him, and he realized it was ready to be released at the worst possible moment.
Noctis and the bois were fighting a giant bird monster near a mall when all of a sudden his insides exploded in pain. He fell to the ground, one hand holding his stomach, the other holding his ass.
"NOCT!" screamed Prompto. He ran over to his fallen friend and tried to get him back in the battle, but it was no use.
"I can't get up!" yelled Noctis. "The wings! Those fucking wings!"
"Shit", said Prompto. "Do you need to go to the hospital?"
Noctis shook his head. "No", he said. "Just take me to the bathroom." Prompto nodded. He turned to the giant bird monster and shot it right in the face, blowing its brains all over the place. Then Prompto, Gladio, and Ignis all picked up Noctis and began walking him towards the mall.
Noctis did not think he was going to make it, but somehow he did. The bois were even able to put him down and let him walk on his own as they were near the bathroom. He saw Cloud Strife stumble into the women's bathroom, saying "I'll bet a girl named Tifa is taking a dump in here!" Noctis didn't give a shit... yet.
Noctis pushed his way into the men's restroom and made for the stalls, but was pained to find that all the stalls were taken up. From all stalls there was just a chorus of asses performing a mass in S(hit) minor, and the song just carried on while NOctis just suffered, holding in the beast that was trying to escape. It would escape eventually, but now was not the moment.
Finally, one of the stalls opened up, and Noctis basically threw Lando Carlissian out of the way in order to get in the stall. Quickly, Noctis locked the stall door, pulled down his pants and underwear, and threw himself onto the toilet. He was just in time, as there was an enormous gurgle from within him as the initial shotgun burst of shit splattered out of his open asshole. Noctis nearly screamed, as his ass screamed explosive fire. He was becoming lightheaded from the burn. He wasn't sure he was going to make it, but he knew he had to hold on. The Infernian's jizz had infused these wings with pure fire, but it was too late for him to give up. "Somnus" started playing in the background, and he materialized his spectral sword, yelled "Kings of Lucis! Come to me!" and stuck it into the floor, holding onto it for support. Just then, all of his ancestors were crammed into his stall and cheered him on.
"Thanks ancestors", said Noctis, "You guys are the best!"
"No problem", said the Kings of Yore.
"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Noctis. Even with his relatives cheering him on, it was a difficult fight against the lava fountain running from his asshole. "WHY, GOD?!"
"Because I thought it would be funny, lol", I said through the void.
"Bastard", Noctis said, disheartened.
Noctis looked down towards his crotch, exasperated, and noticed something. The pain from trying to shit out the buffalo chicken had caused his penis to curl into a massive, throbbing erection.
"Perhaps..." began Noctis, "I can counteract this pain with pleasure!"
Noctis was relieved to find his penis erect; it was a familiar sensation that always occurred when expelling hot wings from his insides. It always came, as if being pounded in the ass by Satan's magma cock was actually an arousing experience, but he never acted upon it... until this time.
With the hand that was not holding his sword, Noctis took a hold of his other sword; his massive, throbbing cock, and started jerking it.
"OH GOD!" yelled Noctis. Pain and pleasure were so close together; his ass was on fire, but his dick was being jerked off so good by his hand that had jerked it off so many times before. He kept shitting more and more magma, while his cock kept getting more and more erect. He just kept jerking and jerking, shitting and shitting, until, in perfect harmony, his ass emitted one final flaming explosion as a massive blast of jizz shot right out of his peehole, through one of his ghostly ancestors, and splattered all across the wall.
"OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH" Noctis said in involuntary pleasure. He just sat there a few minutes, reflecting on the unique, pleasurable experience he had just underwent. Eventually, though, he had to get up. As he did, he felt the damage that had been done to his asshole, but it was worth it, even though walking was difficult now. He looked down to what he had done to the toilet, and when he realized that his shits had actually burned through the bottom of the toilet and now were burning through the floor, he decided it was time to get the fuck out of there.
"Here comes the warrior himself", said Gladio.
"You get through it okay?" asked Ignis.
"I definitely got through it", said Noctis.
"Nice job, bud!" said Prompto, slapping Noctis on the ass. Noctis winced in pain.
"Its finally over", said Noctis, and they got out of the mall.
Just as they got out of the mall, however, he saw Cloud (dick out and covered in shit) and Sephiroth standing opposite each other, swords drawn ready to fight. Between them were a pair of dead cops.
"Help!" yelled Sephiroth. "This madman killed these cops after they tried arresting him for having anal sex in the women's restroom."
"What?!" said Cloud. "That's a fucking lie! You killed them! You want my sk-" but his words were cut short, as at that moment Noctis threw his spectral sword right through Cloud's chest. Cloud looked down to the hole in his chest, then fell to his knees.
"Zack..." said Cloud. "I tried... to wait for you." And then he fell over. Dead.
"Thanks for that", said Sephiroth.
"No problem", said Noctis. "I've got no time for cop killers."
"Heh, right", said Sephiroth. "He was DEFINITELY the guy that killed those cops. It was HE that had it coming!"
"Indeed, good sir", said Ignis. "Noctis, you have indeed done a good service today. Let us go!"
"Right", said Noctis, and they all got out of there. No one noticed, however, as Sephiroth drew his sword, Masamune, cut a slash in Cloud's back, pulled out all of his insides (organs, bones, etc.), and climbed into his skin. Sephiroth pulled up the zipper he had implemented onto Cloud's back.
"Hello", said Sephiroth. "My name... is Cloud."
THE END
(This story is dedicated to Rasso, author of the fantastic "Cloud Mows the Lawn" series of fanfictions. Without them, the "Winter Leaves" series may never have existed)