Let Go and Float

By: MusketeerAdventure

Summary: Shaun comes to an understanding.

Shivering a bit, Shaun felt goosebumps pop up all over his body. But that was okay. It just meant that his skin was reacting to the cold; a roughening up produced by an erection of the papillate. It was to be expected. Besides, the goosebumps didn't matter. They were just a slight annoyance.

Much like the florescent lights that flickered intermittently and buzzed overhead causing him to blink erratically.

Only he and Kenny were here this time of night. The hours for swimming long over. Stealthy, midnight intruders they were. The static buzzing; their harsh breathing; the lapping water against the sides of the pool, bounced off the walls – and to Shaun it seemed unnaturally loud; as if they were down in a well. He could even hear his heart beating.

He wanted to cover his ears to escape the noise, but that wasn't why he was here. Escape was not the answer to this puzzle.

He was here to try and understand. Who was he? Where did he fit in? Casper was so far away. He had left behind people who cared for him….and missed them. All those months ago, Ms. Shirley had kissed his cheek on his departure at the bus depot and said, "Things will work out for the better; you'll see." At first he hadn't believed her. But then he did; and now, he wasn't so sure.

Nearby, he could sense Kenny standing watch. Though their encounters were brief, he trusted Kenny. Kenny had help without asking why. He had opened his apartment door, number thirty-four, just the way Lea would have. Loaned him his bathing suit trunks and when they got downstairs and saw the pool was closed…..locked up tight; got him in anyway. Kenny had a talent for unlocking doors.

"Can you even swim?" Kenny had asked when he lowered himself over the edge and gasped as the chill of the water caught his breath.

"I'm not a very good swimmer" he admitted and leaned back carefully with his arms outstretched. But Quinn had said that all you needed to do was to let go and float – then you would feel free. Free to be who you were – the same person, inside as out.

If Dr. Glassman would just let him be who he was; if he could stop trying to be who Dr. Glassman wanted him to be, then maybe he could feel free too. "But I can float" he whispered, and drifted toward the center of the pool. Kenny nodded and settled down to wait.

Closing his eyes, he let the water buoy around him, sighed and tried to relax. He thought of home – of Casper and wondered what his neighbors might be doing; or if they even thought about him, now that he wasn't around every day.

What would they think of his runaway road trip with Lea. Letting her kiss him; kissing her back….breaking rules. He sighed again. Lea was gone now….living her dream; being who she wanted to be – a builder of things. Doing what made her feel happy and complete. Maybe she felt free now. He missed seeing her face every day.

She was his friend; and had moved away. Left him behind; left this place to be happy; the way he had left Casper.

The water felt warmer now and with his muscles relaxed began to unwind. Opening his eyes, he found Kenny watching him with a curious expression on his face. One he couldn't read, and didn't try to.

It didn't matter. What did matter was that Kenny was here. Kenny had shared his cable; given him more than ten channels to watch. Now he could surf the Spanish speaking stations; practice the language and learn to read people without understanding everything they were saying.

He was grateful. It was a wonderful gift, much like his bookshelf; his table and chairs; his lone lamp and Lea's baseball.

Maybe Kenny could be a friend the way Jennifer was his friend. Jennifer, who let him into the Library anytime…day or night to read whatever text on Medicine she had on the shelves. And if what he needed wasn't in their small town library – she would find a way to get it.

Closing his eyes once again to Kenny's scrutiny, he tilted his head back further and let the water massage his scalp reminding him of his brother – whose love and encouragement never wavered. Steve had predicted the future; had known he could be a doctor before he did. Steve, who had told him almost every day of his brief life that always, "You are the smart one"; and he believed.

And Mr. Grady had believed in him too. Mr. Grady with his dark eyes; and peppered gray hair who let him eat breakfast, lunch and dinner in his diner for as long as he could remember. Who never let him pay for or miss a meal; who gave him his first job washing dishes; his second job taking orders; his third job working the cash register.

He missed them all. Everyone in Casper who took care of him; made sure he was safe….finished high school; supported him through medical school….poured their hopes and wishes into him; believed alongside him that he could do this tremendous thing….be a good doctor. Especially Dr. Glassman who…..

Standing erect in a slow bobbing motion, Shaun let his feet touch the bottom of the pool and then stood bouncing awkwardly on his toes. He was shivering again; and wrapped his arms across his chest as tight as he could to try and stave off the chill. But these forming goosebumps were a revelation that meant more than the cool air bombarding his skin.

He had a sudden feeling of excitement; like when he solved a difficult problem; felt Lea standing close or when the answer to a medical mystery formed pictures in his mind and came to life.

Earlier he had told Kenny that things were fine the way they were. Mismatched as it was, if it worked okay now, then there was no need for change. Casper had found a way through their gifts to follow him on his journey – to help things stay as much the same as possible; believing that sameness was what he needed.

But that wasn't exactly true was it?

Things had changed. They needed to. Lea had entered his life and changed his perspective on a lot of things. He had a new family taking shape at St. Bonaventure Hospital and saw that beyond the competition, he and Jared made a good team; that Claire listened to him, and Dr. Melendez was beginning to treat him fairly.

Unexpected changes had come his way and he hadn't even realized it.

Kenny stood up and stared down at him with a frown.

"We can go now" Shaun announced and swiped water from his face, tasting chlorine. "I understand."

Hands on his hips, Kenny chuckled. "Understand what?"

"Nothing stays the same. I'm different now. Dr. Glassman just doesn't see it. He doesn't want to see it."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Just because everything works fine the way it is now, doesn't mean it always has to be like that."

Holding out a towel, Kenny whispered back with urgency, "Okay, so does that mean you can come out of there now and we can get going, before someone finds out we're down here?"

Shaun nodded quickly and made his way slowly toward the side of the pool, pushing against the force of water. He had told Quinn that he didn't understand what it felt like to be anyone but himself. That might be true. But he did understand pain, love, loneliness and loss. Everyone felt those things.

When he reached the side of the pool; and climbed out – Kenny stood waiting and draped the towel around his shoulders; grabbed up his belongings – gesturing for him to hurry as he made his way swiftly to the door.

Pausing, Shaun looked back over the water and smiled a little. Quinn was right. It was okay not be typical; usual or expected. To feel free…and be who he was; he just needed to let go and float.

Thank you for reading. Please review and let me know what you think. I enjoy this character very much; and like wandering into his thoughts.