That Dark Part Inside
She would enjoy Tristan's embrace. He was the only person she never hurt. He was the only person that gave her reprieve from the part of herself that wanted to hurt others. That would have to do.
For now, she could ignore that dark part inside.
Magic Pill
Set during first semester of their senior school year.
"So, I really enjoyed psychology today!" Miles cheered as he tossed his book on to the table. They were enjoying their typical spot outside at lunch.
Tristan grinned in response to his boyfriend's enthusiasm. "Of course you did. It's all you talk about these days. Not a day goes by where I don't see that book open. Do I have reason be jealous?"
"Oh, I talk about you quite a bit too, Tris," Miles teased, causing Tristan to blush.
Zoë scoffed at their cuteness. "I cannot decide if this is utterly disgusting or relationship goals."
"We're always relationship goals," Tristan stated as he wrapped his arms around Miles.
"Always," Miles agreed, a smirk crossing his face.
Zoë smiled. They were an adorable couple, and she was often happy yet entirely jealous of them. She shook her head. Time for a new train of thought. She didn't want to entertain that urge within her.
"So, what oh-so-thrilling topic did you discuss today?" she wondered aloud.
"Just the gays, as usual," Miles laughed. "Who would have thought that the TV shows were right? Psychology is full of 'the gays.' "
"But you're bi?" Zoë asked. The word gay was really starting to rub her the wrong way.
"I can call myself gay if I want to Zoë. Umbrella term and all. Not that labels matter to me," Miles said as he turned to Tristan and smiled. "Though bisexual millionaire has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Almost as good as mysterious playboy."
"Not all of us feel that way," Zoë retorted.
"Good for you, but it works for me," Miles dismissed. "Anyway, we were talking about what it is like to be gay, and if we choose to be. Naturally, being 2016, we knew that we were born this way, and that most of us are proud of it." He stopped to chuckle as Tristan did a little jig in his seat at the reference to his favorite song.
"So, someone asked if we could choose not to be gay, would we? Like a magic pill or something. As you may assume, I wouldn't. I may have made some mistakes in life, but I am who I am. If I were to make any changes about me, it sure as hell wouldn't be the fact that I like boys and girls."
"How poetic," Zoë teased, trying to keep annoyance out of her voice.
"Hush, Zoë," Tristan said playfully. "I think having an out and proud guy is adorable."
"You would," Zoë retorted. She froze for a moment, hoping Tristan didn't take that the wrong way; it was an unresolved issue between the two. Tristan had a very good reason to be with someone who was out and proud with him… though, perhaps mocking her friend for liking himself was a poor choice as well. The thought dug at her heart; she always had to say and do the wrong thing. She clamped down on her thoughts, not wanting to make now another moment where she wondered why she always hurt people.
Tristan humphed. "And what's wrong with that? Some of us happen to like ourselves," he said pointedly. "Me? I would never take a magic pill or whatever. I like being gay. It's liberating in a way. True, society treats us like shit sometimes, but being gay is also wonderful. I wouldn't trade it for the world."
"You're so cute when you're happy," Miles gushed. Tristan giggled in response.
Zoë looked away, but she saw in Tristan's eyes that he noticed her reaction. They shared a look, and Zoë could only shake her head. They were quiet for a moment before Miles spoke up.
"And how about you, Zoë?"
Tristan groaned, though Zoë couldn't blame him. Miles was either oblivious or being nosey and prying where he didn't belong. He kept it hard to tell.
"What about me?" Zoë asked with a roll of her eyes. She wondered for a moment if Tristan had told Miles about his suspicions – that she still hated being gay, or a lesbian, as Tristan suggest she call herself for strength.
"If you could, would you stop liking girls?" Miles clarified.
Zoë stood up and grabbed her lunch. She spoke in her normal voice, and for once, she was happy that she spent her childhood as an actress so that she had skills to fall back on in emergencies. "I don't know. Probably. I need to get something from my locker."
Miles blinked, but she turned around before he could speak. "Zo-"
"Don't bother," she heard Tristan say. She wasn't sure whether to be thankful or angry at her best friend. "She'll just turn her anger on you. If you think I've ever said anything umm… unfortunate about your sexuality, just wait until she gets at you."
Zoë frowned as she dropped her lunch into the trashcan. Was she still really that person? She brushed a tear from her face as she opened the door that lead inside.
She turned around with the door half closed and listened to what her friends had to say.
"If she is so unhappy being out, I'm sure we can help her. All of our friends love us," Miles said.
"It's not that," Tristan corrected. "She doesn't mind being out, not really. Have you seen her ever be embarrassed or ashamed all year? She doesn't like that she likes girls. She's not convinced that she can be happy. She's always been the type to seek love, and now she is even more convinced than ever that she'll die the old maid. I would know. I've been there, though it was never the fact that I was gay that I was upset with…"
"I wish that we could help her," Miles said as he flipped through his book. "Maybe there's something," he muttered as his finger brushed down the table of contents.
"I doubt it. We'll just have to show her that it gets better. Neither of us had the hardest time accepting ourselves, but maybe, if she sees us happy, we can convince her that she can be one day."
Miles nodded and wrapped his hand over Tristan's.
Zoë let the door close as she turned back into the school. Tristan knew her better than she thought. A part of her swelled with the knowledge that she had such a close friend, but another part of her – that hateful, spiteful, dark side of her that she wanted to go away – hated him.
She was out. She dealt with her mother's stares and harsh words, and the laugh of boys she had once flirted with. She thought of the miscommunications with Grace and the side of her that brought out, and the games that Esme had played with her and how she was willing to hurt others to feel better.
She was out to the world. Her friends supported her. Her detractors didn't care about her in the first place.
But the fact that she liked girls was a curse. She had done bad things – more than she could ever count – and liking girls was the punishment. She could never say that out loud. Who would understand? Miles, perhaps? But no. Even at his worst, he never saw liking guys as a weakness.
It gets better?
Tristan's words irked her. After all, she knew better than anyone she didn't deserve it. The part of her that hurt others would never go away. She needed to be fixed, though she couldn't say how.
A magic pill was just what she needed.
Two Wrongs to Find a Right
Set during episode 2x05.
The alumni event had been going well, and that made Zoë happy. Tristan had been in a panic to make sure that the event went perfectly after the unusual events that had occurred during the Snow Ball last semester. Her eyes glanced at the 1980s cheerleaders perform a routine on stage, and a small part of her missed that old part of her life.
She sighed. Cheerleading had been her at her worst, but at the same time, memories of that blue uniform made her feel safe and loved, even if she knew that she was the devil on the inside. She thought back to the power cheer uniform that she still had in her closet and how she wanted to pull it out of its confine for Winston. For him, it would be worth it even if the outfit left her sick with repressed guilt. Though, perhaps, putting it back on would be a way of conquering the dark specters of last year now that she was living a slightly less vindictive life ever since Grace broke her heart. Petty acts of revenge belonged in the past.
She decided to distract herself from her thoughts by looking at the program to see who was next. It did nothing to remove herself from that dark aspect that lingered in her heart.
Frankie Hollingsworth was next and would be singing the new school song. Zoë sighed. She had known that Frankie would be performing, but she was hoping that she would be able to avoid the younger girl. Frankie used to be her best friend, but Zoë was evil. She didn't talk about it often, but she knew it in a way that she would never be able to explain.
Frankie had been victim of one of the worst things that she had ever done – first the victim of her poorly thought out child pornography ring, and then pinned as the mastermind. It made Zoë sick to recall the events of last year. She knew that pinning it all on Frankie was wrong – she had even made the decision to let Frankie off the hook as she deleted the picture that she was going to use as black mail – but the moment things turned sour, Zoë did the wrong thing. She always, always did the wrong thing.
She found Frankie backstage.
"Hey," Zoë greeted, ready to keep a straight face in the case Frankie lashed out at her. "You're on in five."
Frankie looked up to her with sad eyes. Her voice broke as she spoke. "They all hate me. They'll boo me off stage."
Zoë froze at those words. She would have said those exact words last year. She was prepared to say those words every day she was stuck with the prospect of being anywhere near Maya's crew. Just a few months ago she was one of Maya's largest supporters, and now, she was public enemy number one.
It pained her that a person that she used to call a friend could feel that way. Her heart went out to Frankie, and she wondered if she could help.
"I'm sure that is not true," Zoë said sweetly in a voice she usually only used with Tristan and one other person that she would rather not think about. It was probably her friend voice – that explained why she used it so rarely. "You know, I thought the same thing last year."
"Well, we did hate you," Frankie retorted, trying not to look at her.
Zoë frowned. The truth hurt. She couldn't be mad though, not really. Plus, this wasn't about her. She was here to help for once.
"True," she assented. "They hated me. But look at me now. They've forgotten about me entirely. And they'll forget about you too. This time next year – hell, maybe even next month – Hollingsracist will be no more, and you'll go back to being the Cutie that you are."
Frankie scoffed at the mention of her old nickname, or maybe she thought her advice was useless. Both were likely true.
Frankie looked into her eyes, and Zoë saw a hardness there that she never had before. She couldn't help but wonder if her ex-friend was more similar to her twin than anyone thought.
"I'm nothing like you," Frankie said. "I'm not a monster like you. I didn't even do anything wrong. Those people are just making something about nothing."
Zoë frowned, wondering if Frankie had always been like this. She hadn't taken the rumors too seriously, but Frankie really was being a brat about this. She didn't even seem to think that she was doing anything wrong. Perhaps they really were alike.
"Take it from someone worse than you, Frankie," Zoë said calmly. "If everyone says you messed up, you're best off believing them. Wouldn't you have preferred that I listened to you before any nudes were taken?"
Frankie snorted. "As if you would have." She sighed as she locked eyes with Zoë. "Fine. Then tell me, Saint Zoë, how do I get people to stop hating me?"
"Be a better person," Zoë suggested. "It worked grand for me. Admit you messed up and do better. Most importantly, don't let what others think of you bother you. Miles taught me that."
"As I said, I've done nothing wrong," Frankie said to dismiss her words. "I have a song to sing."
Zoë watched as Frankie left. She didn't know what she expected, but it pained her to see the younger girl take the low road as she always had.
She thought on her words to Frankie, and wondered if they had value; wondered if they held any truth. Probably not. Zoë Rivas doing good things? Hardly. Being nice to Frankie now could just as well be for personal gain – assuaging the guilt she had long felt and grasping straws for some goodness within that didn't exist.
She had been well-behaved for most of the last year – to stay out of jail, at least. She had been on her best behavior with Grace for a heart she could never win over. She had been Tristan's best friend because he was all that she had.
She was evil. She was the villain that Frankie claimed her to be. She was the monster who tormented Maya. She was merely that darkness inside that made her hurt everyone that she wanted to love her.
She forced a smile onto her face as she returned to the stage to announce Frankie's performance. She met eyes with Winston and her lips tingled with the scantest traces of happiness. At least she had him. At least she could fake it just a little longer. For just a little longer, she could hide from that dark part inside.
Betrayal of the Heart
Set after 1x07.
Zoë swallowed the swollen pain in her throat as she knocked on the door to Tristan's home, and growled at how long he was taking. She had texted that she was coming over, and that she had made the biggest mistake of her life – well, at least this year. She sighed and thought about how she had been having a great year. She was besties with Tristan, getting close with Grace, and finally was in a good place with Maya. Now, she was only besties with Tristan.
She eyed the greying clouds with careful eyes and was starting to get a bit pissed off at Tristan by the time he opened the door. Her eyes widened when she saw that he had a guest. An attractive guest.
"We'll have to hang out again sometimes," Tristan gushed as the other boy left. He was grinning as he let Zoë in and closed the door behind her.
"That was Jared," he said with a smile that showed all his teeth. Zoë wanted to be happy for him, but couldn't manage. "We just… let's say that I am thankful for your advice about getting to know more guys."
Zoë blinked. "What advice?" she asked distractedly.
"When you wanted me to meet guys online. At Maya's gig."
Zoë's heart clinched at the mention of Maya. Another reminder of what she gave up to satisfy the dark part inside of her that made her seek revenge, as petty as it always was. The part that lost her three friends, including Zig.
It struck her now what tenuous traces of friendship that she had with him only mattered now that she had ruined them. He had been nothing but nice to her: saving her from the pills she blackmailed out of him, being her biggest supporter after that, and being the first to offer her comfort after Grace left her broken. She turned that comfort into a way to hurt others and drag him into the crossfire with his own vulnerabilities, even as she knew how wrong she was every step of the way.
It made her want to fall to her knees and sob. Zig was the least of her betrayals – the only relief was that at least he had chosen to participate in their fuck up. Maya was innocent in all of this. A part of her wanted to tell Maya about her boyfriend's betrayal, but Zoë knew that she was too weak to face her.
"Zo?" Tristan asked, concern in his voice.
She shook her head. "Yeah, dozed out. Can you repeat that?"
"Jared was so great. I haven't had that much fun since the asshole dumped me." He chuckled. "You really should try it. I assure you, anyone is better than Miles. Grace, maybe?"
Zoë broke down. Tears streamed down her face as she collapsed into Tristan's arms.
"I messed up," she sobbed. "I messed up. I messed up. I messed up." Her sobs collapsed into a whisper. "I messed up."
She sniffled as Tristan pat her back.
"What's wrong Zo?" he asked in a kind voice. It made her feel good that someone still cared. "I'm sure you did nothing wrong. Is it Grace? I'm sorry for pushing you towards her. I honestly thought that it would work out."
Zoë looked up into Tristan's eyes. "Me too," she said, forcing her words past the broken heart in her throat.
"Well, screw her," Tristan muttered as he led her to the couch. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Zoë closed her eyes and nodded her head. "Grace and I… we did… things last night," she said.
Tristan nodded. "Go on," he assured her. She heard the haunted tone of his voice, and knew that he knew what was coming next. He had been through this too, more or less.
"She said that we couldn't work out. She's straight," she sobbed. It wasn't fair. Having Grace had made the prospect of liking girls not that bad… now she was alone.
She felt Tristan nod as she relaxed in his embrace.
"That's… ugh, she's awful," Tristan scoffed. "I mean, maybe she tried, but still…" he wondered.
"She did. She told me that she did… but, let's be honest… She didn't want me for me. I'm not good enough."
"No, no, Zo. You're the best. I promise."
Zoë shook her head. "I messed up."
"No, you didn't. You're great. Grace messed up for not wanting you."
"No, I messed up," Zoë intoned. "I… got revenge."
Tristan frowned. "Revenge? Like with Maya last year?"
Zoë laughed sardonically. "I wish it were as simple as 'Unravel Me' and that Facerange page that I made. I didn't believe Grace. I told her to tell me one guy that she liked. She said she liked Zig."
"Hot gos alert!" Tristan declared, trying to add some levity to the situation. "No? No. Wrong time. I tried," he muttered. "So, you told Zig?"
"I wish," Zoë murmured. "I knew she liked Zig and could never have him. When Zig was telling me about how Maya was ignoring him, how she didn't want him, I thought of Grace and knew how to get her back in the best way possible. I did things with him."
Tristan fell back on the couch with his hands over his mouth. "Noooooo… does Maya know?"
"I don't want to find out," Zoë whimpered.
"I understand."
"I recorded it," Zoë said plainly.
"Noooo," Tristan gasped in shock.
"I recorded what we did and sent it to Grace. You should have seen the look on her face. She wasn't mad about Zig… She was mad at me. She was afraid of me. I ruined our friendship. I hurt her friends to hurt her. I'm a monster."
"You're not a monster, Zo…"
"I hurt everyone!"
"You've never hurt me. We'll always be the best for each other."
Zoë sniffled. She wanted to say "just you wait," but she didn't. Instead, she would enjoy Tristan's embrace. He was the only person she never hurt. He was the only person that gave her reprieve from the part of herself that wanted to hurt others. That would have to do.
For now, she could ignore that dark part inside.
Author's Notes
I included the author's notes into the main text as I feel they are integral into understanding and participating in this character study. If you would like my further insight, please read the below and comment with your thoughts!
This started as merely the Magic Pill one-shot, but then I wanted to write the "Zoë confronts Frankie during the alumni event" story too. I considered joining them as a set, but it felt weak. Then, I decided to make them intricately related, and added a third story to the mix. Naturally, some changes were made to make it all one cohesive, thematically related story, and I'm proud of it!
Magic Pills shows the end result of who Zoë is, and leaves the thought of how she will learn to be happy to canon. Then we go back to the alumni event to see Zoë dealing with the after effects of how she hurt Frankie, Grace, and Maya (and Zig, but she's not concerned with him honestly as of 2x05). Also, this was to show how she tried to be a better person, but feels like it was all fake in a way. She knows she has the tendency to do the wrong thing, and doesn't believe that she will ever conquer it. Much like she is hiding from her sexuality via Winston, she is hiding from the dark half of herself, which intrinsically is at conflict with her words to Frankie. Essentially, everything she is telling Frankie is what Zoë knows she should be doing, but is also failing to do. The last part was to show Zoë at her absolute worst, and how Tristan was there for her. She loved Grace as well as she could, but she hurt her the first time she was crossed. This is such a very Zoë thing to do, and it terrifies her. She wants to be better, but doesn't know how.
The story was told from future to past because that is how one must understand Zoë. She is the way she is because of the past, her circumstances, and choices.
Magic Pill was to discuss the concept of her wanting to fix herself artificially, rather than learning how to be a good person. It set up her lesbianism as the part she wants to get rid of, but that is not that case. It is the dark part inside of her that hurts others. Being a lesbian would be okay for Zoë if she loved herself first. In the long term, I see her coming to terms with all aspects of herself, being a good person, and loving herself. But, as I leave it, she is still suffering. I want to see how canon grows Zoë into a happier person.
Two Wrongs to Find a Right was to explore a one-shot idea I had of Zoë talking to and trying to help Frankie through being a pariah, like she was last year. The title is about using their shared wrongs to try to find some form of goodness inside of her; however, Zoë fails because she feels like she is evil and doesn't deserve to be good or happy.
The last part is Betrayal of the Heart, talking about how Zoë hurts those that she loves most, other than Tristan for the most part, as mentioned in the next paragraph. Also, it was finally time for someone to write the scene where Zoë tells Tristan about Grace, and to see how he supports her through it, as he knows by 1x08.
I wanted to show that Tristan is Zoë's anchor. The one that is always there to support her, and how she pushed him away. You can see him referencing back to her calling being gay not normal in 2x04, and how that hurt him in Magic Pill. He understands, but cannot be happy as long as she feels that about herself and rejects his help. He also wanted to protect Miles from her lash out. Another large role for Tristan in this fic was that I wanted to show he had his own life with the guy, Jared, in Betrayal of the Heart, and with Miles in Magic Pill. She is jealous in a way – of what he has, and that he has people outside of her. Tristan is a good friend to her, but the fandom often ridicules him for not licking her boots. I wanted to show that he was his own person and loves Zoë, but he also cares about his own happiness.
Honestly, this story got darker than intended. I always intended to explore the fact that Zoë was okay with being out, but still saw her sexuality as a negative. It got a little bit darker as I worked on the idea though, and then eventually wrote the second two stories in. I thought about a 4th to explore more Tristan/Zoë, and ramification from their conversation in 2x04, but I decided to let that be a more macro story across the three. While we see no conflict in 2x05 between the two of them, Two Wrongs to Make a Right shows that Zoë loves Tristan as a friend, and values him deeply.
I have always felt that Zoë hates herself in many ways for the awful things she has done. You can see it on her face in 1x10 and 2x01 when she is around those that she has hurt. Her sexuality plot and her self-hatred was a manifestation of that. If she were happy, she would likely have no problems being a lesbian. However, she is not happy. She hates herself, and she feels like being a lesbian is another nail in the coffin to being happy.
Also, I see Zoë as being jealous of those around her who are happy. She always had a jealous personality since season 13, and was always upset to see Maya with a guy. She is afraid to see this return after she helps Zig cheat. She doesn't blame herself for their break up, but she wonders if she was too eager to give Zig the chance; she is also mad because she caused so much pain for petty revenge. She destroyed 3 of her friendships (as I interpreted her as being friendly with Maya/Zig in DNC1).
This fic also explores how she is jealous of Triles. She loves the both of them, but at the same time, they have what she feels she will never have.
Originally this had a happy ending, but I decided against it. I wanted to more throw the thought grenade out there, and let it sit. I'll let season 3 show us how she learns to be happy. To me, Zoë has a dark part inside her that is her urge to do the wrong thing.
Well, I hope you enjoyed. The author note is nearly as long as one of the stories, but I feel it is enjoyable to discuss the characters and what they mean to me. Apologies if the author's notes are a mess. I edited it heavily, but they were a hodgepodge of three different stories' notes shoved into one, some tumblr conversations, and overall notes that I tried to synth together to make as much sense as possible.
Please comment below if you wish to discuss the character and those she interacts with! Zoë is one of my favorites, but I view her in a very different way than most of the fandom.