When Barry finally made it back from Earth-2 and he didn't give me a hug, I understood. After all, he and the guys had only been back for a few seconds before Zoom reached through the breach and yanked Jay away with him. The feeling in the air went from elation to devastation in a heartbeat, and all of us, me included, spent the next few hours trying to console Caitlyn. Barry and Wells promised they would get him back, and we all agreed to help.
So when I didn't get my welcome-home hug, I really did understand. But what I don't understand is the fact that Barry's been back for two days and we've barely said a word to each other. Half of my calls to him go unanswered and all his text responses are short. At first, I chalked it up to his being busy with Flash stuff. But I know that he's spent time with my dad, and Caitlyn and Cisco, and now I can't help but feeling like he's avoiding me.
When I'm so distracted by his distance that I can't even focus on my work, I send him a text.
Barry, are you mad at me or something? I get the feeling that you're avoiding me.
It's true, but it's also a dirty trick on my part. I know Barry can't handle guilt, especially when it comes to me, and just as I predicted, he responds almost immediately.
No, of course not. I've just been really busy since I got back.
I miss you, I write.
I miss you too.
I want to see you.
Me too.
Tonight? My place? You bring Chinese and I'll listen to you nerd out about Earth-2?
I'll be there.
The exchange puts a grin on my face and I finally feel like everything is right in my world again. I clock out from work well after six, mostly because I know there's no point in rushing home because Barry will be late anyway. And true to form, I'm out of the shower and in my pajamas when Barry shows up at nine o'clock, holding a bag of Chinese food and wearing a sheepish grin.
"Sorry," he says.
"I'm used to it. Get in here."
I pull him in by his plaid shirt and swipe the Chinese food from him. I put it on the coffee table in front of of my couch and then slide in front of him and take that hug that I didn't realize I needed so badly until my arms are around him and my face is in his chest. He's slim, okay skinny, but he gives the best hugs and always has. He holds me close and we don't say a word while I just breathe him in.
"I was worried about you," I say. "You were cutting it pretty close on that 48-hour deadline."
"I know. Sorry to scare you."
I look up at him and smile. "You made it back home to me, and that's what I asked for. Right?"
He hesitates, before he smiles and nods.
"Right."
"Come on." I thread my fingers with his and lead him to the couch, where I tuck my legs underneath me and hand out the Chinese food. "How's Caitlyn holding up?"
"Not great. She hasn't said it but I think she's worried that she might have some kind of man curse."
"Yeah, that's pretty bad luck. 0 for 2."
"Mm hm."
We're silent for a few minutes while we eat, and I take the time to really look at him. He's not sitting as close to me as he normally would, and he looks like he can't quite get comfortable. He's stiff and unsure and I can't remember the last time he's acted like this, especially around me.
"So tell me everything about Earth-2," I say, hoping to break him out of whatever is bothering him.
"Earth-2 is...different," he says. A slow smile comes across his face. "But kind of cool."
"Details, please."
"Well, it's really technologically advanced but at the same time, old-fashioned. I won't bore you with all the science but let's just say that I'd have a field day in the lab there."
"I bet you would," I tease. "What about the people? Did you see our dopplegangers?"
"Yeah. Caitlyn and Cisco and Ronnie were all villains. Caitlyn called herself Killer Frost and she could freeze people to death. Ronnie was basically Firestorm and Cisco had really crazy powers and called himself Reverb."
"Wow."
"Yeah, and get this," he says, turning more to me and looking more excited than I've seen in a while. "Joe was a lounge singer!"
"My dad?" I ask with a laugh. "Seriously? He can't carry a tune in a bucket."
"I know!" He does that dorky chuckle of his and it makes me smile.
"What about you?" I ask.
"Earth-2 Barry is a CSI, not very interesting. He seems to have an obsession with sweaters and bowties."
"Aw, I bet you'd be really cute in a bowtie."
He blushes a little and shrugs. "His wife seems to think so."
I can feel my eyebrows jumps off my face. "Wife? You're...he's married on Earth-2?"
He nods but I notice that he's steadfastly avoiding my questioning face.
"Wow. And what about me?" I ask.
"You..." He looks at me again and smiles that sweet Barry smile that's always made me happy. "You're a detective. A pretty bad-ass one, too."
"Really? That's awesome," I say with a chuckle.
"Yeah. You were the cop of the year for 2015."
"Oh my God, I can't wait to tell my dad."
We both laugh at that.
"So, am I married on Earth-2, too?"
"Yeah, you are," he says softly.
It takes me a minute to mull that over. I can't help but compare the Earth-2 Iris to myself and I feel awfully unaccomplished. To think that there is another me out there, same age, already married and at the top of her field...it makes me feel like I'm way behind.
"What about us?" I ask. "You and me? Do we know each other?"
He gets a kind of solemn look on his face and nods.
"Yeah, we know each other."
"Are we close?"
"Very."
Warmth spreads through me and I touch his hand as I say, "I'm glad. I'm really glad to know that no matter what universe or Earth we're on, we're still there for each other."
He looks pained when he nods and says, "yeah."
For some reason, the conversation stops right then. There is something hanging in the air between us, something unsettling and it makes my stomach hurt. I put my food on the coffee table and then I scoot closer to Barry and wrap my other hand around his hand, so he can't get away from me.
"What's going on with you?" I ask.
"Nothing. I guess I'm just tired or something."
"No, this isn't you being tired. If you were tired, you'd be resting your head in my lap and babbling on about the physics of Earth-2 until you passed out. It's something else. So tell me."
He won't look at me, which only makes me more certain that my assessment is right. Something's eating at him and I get the very strong feeling that it's directly related to me.
"Did I do something to you on Earth-2?" I ask. "Did that Iris hurt you or something?"
"No."
"Then why are you being so distant with me? Why did I have to guilt you into coming over here and why are you acting like you'd rather be anywhere than here with me?"
He fidgets a little, shuffles his big feet in his worn Converses, but he still won't look at me. So I swing my body off the couch and sit on on my knees in front of him. I take his face in my hands and make him look at me.
"Talk to me," I say softly. "You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"
His eyes look sad as he nods.
"Don't shut me out, Barry. We've been there before and I don't want to go through that again."
It's another guilt trip but it works because he sighs and I know he's about to let me in on whatever is going through that brain of his. It takes him a few minutes to gather his thoughts, then he finally meets my gaze.
"We're married on Earth-2," he says.
"Yeah, I know. You just told me that."
"No, no. I mean...we're married." He stalls and then points to himself and then me. "To each other."
"Oh." The word slips out of my mouth before I can even really comprehend it all. Barry and I are married on Earth-2. I should be more shocked, I know, but knowing that the future on our own Earth says we'll be married kind of desensitizes me. "Okay," I say slowly. "So...are we not happy together or something? Is that why you're acting like this?"
He laughs sadly and shakes his head. "No. Actually, we're very, very happy together."
"Then I don't get it."
He sighs and hangs his head, as if I should know what's wrong with this scenario. He gently removes my hands from his face and guides me to sit on the couch again. He turns to me and takes in a deep breath.
"Iris, when I was there, I had to pretend that I was Earth-2 Barry for a while. That meant that I had to go along with everything when that Iris thought I was her husband. She kissed me a lot and told me she loved me all the time. And the way she looked at me..." He shakes his head and stares at me with those beautiful eyes of his. "It's the way I've always wanted you to look at me."
"Oh."
Oooooh.
"I know I wasn't there for very long, but seeing a reality where you and I are together, and happy, and you're so crazy about me..." He shakes his head again and shrugs pathetically. "It made me realize that all those old feelings I had for you aren't so old after all."
It's only after he says that, that my brain truly grasps the fact that I am in the middle of another Barry Allen love confession. I don't respond, mostly because I don't know how to. My body is a tangle of weird and conflicting emotions, none of which I can accurately pinpoint right now. He looks at me to say something, but I just blink like an idiot and he groans and stands up.
"See, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you," he says as he roughly runs his hands through his hair. "I didn't want to get that look from you."
"What look?" I manage to ask.
"That one. The one that says you'll never see me as anything but a brother."
I want to tell him that's not true, because somewhere in this big web of confusion, I know it's not true. But I can't seem to get the words out or explain to him how I feel because the truth is, I'm not really sure myself of how I feel.
Barry paces back and forth, constantly opening his mouth to say something else but then stopping himself. When the silence becomes too much to bear, he heads for the door.
"I'm sorry, Iris. I shouldn't have said anything. I can't do this."
His attempt at leaving spurs me to jump off the couch and stop him. I grab his hand before he can open the door.
"Wait, Barry, don't leave. We can talk."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"How can you say that?"
He turns around and we're standing so close that I'm practically pressed against him. He moves away like he's been burned and shakes his head again.
"I can't do this. I can't pretend to be okay with just being your friend when the fact is that I'm in love with you and I always have been and apparently I always will be." My heart feels like it's being squeezed when he says that and tears involuntarily spring up in my eyes. "I love you so much, Iris," he says softly. "But I know you don't feel that way about me, and this isn't fair to either of us."
"What isn't fair? What are you talking about?" I ask and I hate that my voice sounds like such a wreck.
"This friendship. You and me. I've pretended for so long and I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."
"Barry, wait, what are you saying?"
He slips away from me and out the door, and my broken heart tells me exactly what he's saying. Our friendship is over, just like that. After twenty years of ups and downs, of being there for each other when nobody else could be, of love and tears and laughter, it's over. Barry dumped me, and I've never felt so hurt.
...
The next couple of days are hard because I feel like someone's ripped my heart of my chest. It's worse than my first boyfriend in eleventh grade, who broke up with me right before the prom. It's worse than the guy I dated seriously in college for a year before I found out he was cheating on me. It might even be worse than when Eddie died. Because it's Barry. And unlike all those other guys, I kind of assumed Barry would always be around. It's not like we haven't fought before or gone some time without speaking. But this time is different. This time feels permanent.
I realize that I need to talk about my feelings with someone, but I honestly don't have many options. Caitlyn and Cisco are more Barry's friends than mine and surely they'd take his side. Linda and I have gotten close, but she had a thing with Barry for a little while so that would be weird. I settle on the last option I have left: my dad. I call him when I get home from work.
"Hey, Dad."
"Hey, baby!" he says, and his voice automatically makes me smile. "How are you? I haven't heard from you."
"I'm okay, I guess."
"You don't sound okay."
"Are you at home or at the precinct?"
"Home."
"Is Barry there?" I ask, hoping that he isn't.
"Nah, he's been at STAR labs a lot the last couple of days. Trying to help them get Jay back, I guess."
"Oh okay," I said, ashamed at how relieved I am. "Do you mind if I come over?"
"No, of course not. You never have to ask permission to come home. You know that."
"I know, I just..."
"Are you okay, Iris?"
I bite my lip and curse the tears already starting up in my eyes. "Barry and I had a fight."
"Ooh," he says knowingly. "I see."
"I need someone to talk to."
"Then I'm your man."
I smile. "I'm on my way over."
"I'll be waiting."
As soon as we hang up, I throw on a hoodie and grab my keys. The drive home always makes me feel happy and safe, and that's exactly how I feel when I walk in and spot my dad at the dining room table, eating pizza.
"Hey, sweetie," he says.
He wraps me up in a big hug and we stay like that for a few minutes. Sometimes I just need a good hug from him to know that everything's okay. When he finally pulls away, I sit in the chair next to him and poach one of his pepperonis.
"So, are we alone for a while?" I ask.
"We should be. Wally's out doing God knows what, and like I told you earlier, Barry hasn't been around much. I thought it was because of Jay, but now I'm thinking it's because of you."
"I don't know what I would have to do with it," I say, looking down at some uneaten crust. "It's not like I live here."
"No, but I do. And I can sniff out an I'm-depressed-because-of-Iris look a mile away."
I raise an eyebrow. "He didn't tell you?"
"Nope." Dad sits back and folds his arms. "So I'm all ears. What's this fight about?"
"It wasn't even really a fight," I say with a sigh. "He's been avoiding me since he got back. I finally called him out on it and he came over and we hung out for a little while. Apparently, our counterparts on Earth-2 are married."
"I did know that."
"Yeah, well, knowing that has made Barry realize that he's still in love with me." The words kind of tingle on my tongue as I say them, which I try to avoid. "He basically told me that he wants more than friendship from me, and that our friendship is over."
Dad's eyebrow raise and he does a slow whistle. "Wow. Okay."
"That's how I'm feeling right now."
"Did you say anything to him when he was saying all this?"
"He didn't give me a chance. He said his piece and then left. I haven't heard from him since."
"So what are you gonna do about it?"
"I don't know." I rest my head on the table and shake it back and forth. "I have no idea." I wait for him to tell me what to do, or at least give me some sage advice, but when he doesn't say a word, I roll my head to look at him. "Aren't you going to say something?"
"You know I don't like to meddle in you and Barry's issues."
"I know, but I really need you to meddle this time. I don't know what I'm doing here."
"And you think I do?"
I lift my head up and grab his hand. "I think you love us both and you'd never steer me wrong."
He thinks about that for a second and then pats my hand. "Okay. Here it is. Did you know that Eddie asked for my permission to marry you?"
"No."
"I told him no."
"What?" I ask, surprised. "I thought you liked him."
"I did like him. A lot. I wasn't crazy about the idea of you two together at first, but I saw how he treated you and all a dad could ask for is a man who'll treat his daughter right. And Eddie did that."
"So then why did you tell him no?"
"Because I knew that you were in love with Barry."
Dad says it so calmly and confidently that it shocks me. He has always been good about staying out of my personal life, and I have never heard him even imply such a thing about me and Barry. But he says it like he's known it all his life, and he's just been waiting for the opportunity to share it with me.
"What?" I ask.
"Honey, I've watched you and Barry grow up together for twenty years. I watched him fall in love with you almost as soon as he moved in with us. And for a while, it really was unrequited. But then something changed. I can't remember exactly what. I think he came back from Space Camp or something and ever since then, you've looked at him differently."
My cheeks burn when he says that because I know the exact moment he's talking about. I had no idea I was obvious.
"I know you, Iris," he continues. "I know you're as stubborn as I am and you'll push back against anything that makes you feel like you don't have a choice. And I get that this whole being married to Barry in the future and on a different Earth thing probably makes you feel that way. I don't believe in destiny and I don't believe in soulmates. But I do believe that you love Barry and he loves you. You're happy when you're with him. You smile more. You talk about him all the time. You compare every guy you meet to him. If that's not love, what is?"
I have to look away from my dad because I feel like someone's opened the book on me and is reading me word for word, in a way that I've never even been able to read myself. He's right. I am scared of just giving in to some destiny that I don't want and can't choose. But he's also right that Barry makes me happy. He's always in the back of my mind somewhere and the thought of losing him scares me more than anything.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, who cares if it's fate or not? Maybe you're together on another Earth because in that universe, you fit together just like you do here. He's your match, Iris. Not everybody's lucky enough to have one, so don't let yours go." He pats my hand and says, "just think about it."
And I do think about it. In fact, it seems like Barry is the only thing I think about these days. Whether I'm at home, at work or trying to work out some frustrations at the gym, he's always there...tickling the back of my mind like an itch I can't scratch. I take to staying at work late so I'll be too tired to dwell on him when I get home. It's on one of these late nights that Scott comes up to my desk and looks over my shoulder at my computer. He's saying something about my latest article, something that sounds like a compliment, but I'm not really listening because I'm too distracted by his presence.
He's standing really close to me, maybe too close for professional comfort, and he finds a way to brush his arm against mine or "accidentally" touch my hand. He's flirting and it's not subtle, and I wonder why I'm having absolutely no reaction to it. He's cute...actually, he's beyond cute. He's fine. His haircut is always perfect, his beard is trimmed with precision and he smells like like expensive cologne. It should turn me on. But it doesn't.
And when he sits on the corner of my desk and starts talking, I realize why I'm not interested. He's not Barry. He's too confident, maybe even bordering on cocky. That normally wouldn't bother me but I like Barry's adorable uncertainty. Even with superpowers and being the Flash, he's never quite sure of himself and it's so endearing. Scott has swagger; Barry's kind of a nerd. But he's my nerd. And I love all his little idiosyncrasies. I love everything about him. I miss him.
"So, would you want to get coffee some time?" Scott asks, and it's the first thing I've heard him say all night.
I stand and turn off my monitor and gave him a sympathetic smile.
"I'm sorry, Scott. I appreciate the offer, but I'm seeing someone."
I leave before he can respond and my heart's beating way too fast when I realize that I do love Barry and that I need to tell him, if he'll even talk to me. When I get back to my apartment, I try to figure out the best plan. Should I go to my dad's house and hope he's there? Should I ambush him at STAR labs? Should I just take the chance and call him to see if he'll come over? I decide that it might be best to try to catch him at my dad's house and just as I open the door, I stop in my tracks. Because standing there with his fist raised to knock is Barry.
"Hi," he says nervously.
"Hi. What are you doing here?"
He lowers his hand to rub the back of his neck, and he shuffles his feet a little. "I want to apologize. Can I come in?"
I'm tempted to just throw my arms around him and skip all the apologies, but instead I move out of the way and let him in. He sits down on the couch, where I join him, and I wait as he goes through his little ritual of nervous fumbling and mumbling.
"Look, Iris," he starts and he takes my hands in his. "I'm really sorry about how I acted the other day. It wasn't fair of me to end our friendship like that, just because of my own problems. I've missed you a lot and I don't want to not be friends with you. I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than nothing at all. Can you please forgive me and let's just go back to the way we were?"
He bats his pretty eyelashes at me and he looks so sincere. That's another thing I love about him. How can someone be so earnest all the time? I look down at our hands and debate how I'm going to play this.
"My boss asked me on a date tonight," I say.
Barry's face falls but he tries to mask his disappointment. "Oh. Okay. I...do you...is he a nice guy?"
"He's okay, I think. He's cute. And he's good at his job."
"Okay," he says slowly, although he looks like someone is stabbing him repeatedly. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I told him no." His eyes widen. "And I told him no because all I've been able to think about since the last time you were here is you and how I can get my best friend back. I've been distracted at work and at home and everywhere because you took a piece of my heart when you left that day."
His head hangs down in shame. "I'm sorry, Iris. I didn't realize I'd made you that upset."
"How could you not know that? You're my best friend. Of course I've been upset. I thought you'd never talk to me again."
He looks at me with pleading eyes and scoots closer, holding my hands a little tighter. "I'm so sorry," he says. "I was being selfish and my head was all messed up from Earth-2. Please forgive me."
"I do forgive you," I say softly, and his face is full of relief. "But as far as whether we can go back to the way we were...no. We can't."
Barry looks as though someone has just ripped his heart out of his chest. His expressive eyes round down and his lips tremble a little, but he nods and says "okay. I understand."
He starts to get up, but I keep his hands in mine and he looks at me questioningly.
"No, I don't think you do understand," I tell him. I scoot closer to him, so that our knees are touching, and I wrangle one hand free to hold his cheek with it. "We can't go back to the way we were, because before, we were just friends. And I want more than that from you."
He blinks a few times, trying to comprehend what I've said, and when he does, shock colors his features.
"What?" he whispers.
I smile at him and caress his cheek. "I've denied it for a long time, Barry. But the truth is that I love you, the same way you love me. And I don't think we can keep dancing around it anymore. I want to be with you. I want to kiss you and hold you and wake up with you in my bed. Is that what you want, too?"
He still looks like he can't believe what's going on, like that time my dad surprised him with his first car. When he comes to grips with what I'm saying, he nods emphatically.
"That's the only thing I've ever wanted," he says.
"Okay," I say.
We smile stupidly at each other and I lean in to kiss him. Only he jumps back and hold up his hand.
"Wait, wait, before we do this, there's something you should know. This won't technically be our first kiss. There was an alternate timeline before where we kissed but I had to erase it and change time. I never told you about it because you were with Eddie and I didn't want to make things weird between us again. Remember that lightning psychosis that Caitlyn told you about? Well that was really just..."
I've heard enough so I grab his face and press my lips to his. He lets out a muffled yelp of surprise but it doesn't take long for him to get with the program. He gently holds my face, too, and his soft lips capture mine and oh my God, Barry Allen can kiss. I guess somewhere deep down there's been a part of me that worried we might not have sexual chemistry, but that's thrown out the window when his tongue enters my mouth. He's gentle but sure of himself and I let him lead the way, which turns me on more than I expected. We kiss slowly and thoroughly and when he pulls away and presses his forehead to mine, I want to chase his lips and kiss him all night.
"I've wanted to do that for so long," he says against my lips. "You taste so good."
Want singes me like a fire when he says that. It sounds so much dirtier than he probably intended and images of all the things I want to do to him flash through my mind and make me blush.
"Are you trying to seduce me?"
His cheeks and ears turn bright red when he says, "no!" But then he kind of smiles and asks, "are you being seduced?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
We're both trying not to smile too big, and images of doing him on this couch flash through my mind. Then I think about pushing him against the wall, and on the floor, and on my bed...
I break away from him and stand up.
"You should go," I say.
"What? Why?"
"Because if you stay, we're gonna have sex and I think we should go on an official date before we sleep together."
He blinks a few times. "Sex sounds good."
"Get out of here," I say with a giggle.
I offer my hand and help him up and our bodies are drawn together like two magnets. I lean up and kiss him once, twice, three times before I drag my lips away and push him towards the door.
"Date. Tomorrow. Don't be late," I say.
"Where are we going?"
"Surprise me."
He's almost out of the door when he turns back to me and says, "I love you."
It's not the first time he's said it, and I'm sure it won't be the last, but it makes my heart flutter almost painfully. "I love you, too."
"So you're my girlfriend now, right?"
"Yes, Barry," I chuckle. "I'm your girlfriend."
He looks so happy that I'm surprised he doesn't float down the hallway. I wait until he's on the elevator before I close my door and press my back against it. Barry Allen is my boyfriend. It sounds weird in my head, but also like the most perfect thing I've ever thought.
Barry Allen and Iris West.
Who'd have thought?