A/N: I honestly don't know how in the world I thought of this. But here you go: Akatsuki genderbent with Konan struggling to survive. I realize that according to canon, she's one cold-hearted kunoichi, but I think that as a guy faced with the hormonal horrors we women can be... well, once can't exactly remain stoic while hiding from PMS-ing Uchihas, can they? Speaking of, Uchihas are generally so angsty and emo as guys, that as "emotional girls", they would be the freakin' scariest things on the planet!
Wow, I just have the incredible ability to blabber on about things you don't care about, don't I? Such as the fact I don't own Naruto. - cleverly placed disclaimer. ;)
As a wise Nara once said, "Girls are troublesome."
My name is Konan, and I am the only boy in the criminal organization known as the Akatsuki. We have our talented members (like Sasori) and we have our idiots (like Hidan). We have our normal members (like me) and our freaks (Zetsu). We have our insane (Deidara) and our logical (Kakuzu). We even have our attractive, smart, and powerful members (like Itachi) and the... others (Kisame).
I myself am just as I said: perfectly normal.
In a group consisting of a front Leader who is really just a sickly woman controlling corpses -including my dead ex-girlfriend- while the real leader pretends to be an idiot behind a mask but is really an age-old kunoichi from a prominent and powerful clan that one of our other members just so happened to slaughter, you don't run into a lot of sane people. Sasori turned herself into a puppet. Kakuzu has multiple hearts. Hidan is immortal and a devout Jashinist. Deidara is a mad bomber with mouths on her hands. Zetsu is a cannibalistic half-plant with a split personality. Itachi killed her family, as I mentioned. No one is really sure why Kisame looks like a shark.
Compared to them, my blue hair is nothing. I'm normal. So what if origami is my hobby? At least I'm not so obesssed with folded paper creations I turned myself into one. I don't kill in the name of the origami god. I won't try to eat you if you can't fold a paper airplane properly.
Akatsuki operates from multiple bases, and we use a jutsu most of the time to let the absent members participate in extractions of tailed beasts. On a good week, I only have to deal with three or so members. Nagato's corpses don't count, since they're just extensions of her will.
Most of the time I take care of Nagato and leave the other members to do as they will. However, there was a brief period, right after Orochimaru left and Hidan joined, that everyone stayed at the main base for a few months.
A few months I like to call hell.
I stood next to Yahiko's corpse as the shadows cloaked us and the members parted so the new recruit could step forward. As Kisame stepped to the side, the light of the torches revealed a silver-haired woman of average height... who was wearing her cloak wrong.
Really, how hard is it to just zipper it up all the way? That much cleavage is not necessary. I wasn't too distracted -much- while "Leader" dully swore in the new member.
Unfortunately, my distraction did not go unnoticed by the new recruit. She turned to me and flipped me off. "Eyes are up here, you dickface pervert!" she called. I flushed as a few of the other members turned to me with glares. Deidara especially.
Then "Leader" was staring at me, and I coughed lightly before backing up into the shadows again. We made our cool exit together, but I could feel the weight of "Leader's" stares on my back the entire time.
"She shouldn't have been wearing her cloak like that," I mumbled.
"You should not have been looking," responded "Leader" emotionlessly, and I cringed before going back to my room and punching the living daylights out of something.
"Well, if it isn't the pervert," Hidan said snidely as she passed me in the halls. Her cloak was still too open at the front, and her rosary bounced off her chest as she walked. I flushed and looked away as Kakuzu chided her partner for opening her big mouth.
As I entered the room used mostly for cooking, I was happy to see Kisame was already there and working at the stove. Most of the time, everyone just walks in and gets the food they want and makes it themselves, but sometimes one member will cook extra for another if asked. Kisame's made breakfast for Itachi and herself before, and since I wasn't any good at cooking, I figured I would just ask Kisame to make me an egg too.
"Hey, Kisame?" I asked.
"Yeah, Konan?" she replied, breaking an egg into the frying pan.
"Could you make me an egg too?" I was just about to add "I think I can manage toast without burning it, if you want it?" but Kisame shocked me by turning sharply around and glaring at me.
"Oh, so just because I'm a woman, I should make you food," Kisame growled. I backed up, not liking the feeling I was getting off the tall, blue woman.
"No, I just-" can't cook. I couldn't cook to save my life.
"I can't believe you have the nerve to expect me to cook for you! You sexist pig!" Kisame looked seconds from launching the frying pan at my head. I gulped nervously.
"No, it's just... I can't cook!" I protested.
Kisame's eyes narrowed and a bead of sweat traveled down my face before falling to the floor with an audible plop. My heart started hammering so fast I thought I might explode from the inside when Kisame just... snapped.
"Can't cook! Can't cook!" she screamed, "Are you too manly with your stupid paper flowers and shit to even cook! What's next? Are you going to ask me to do your laundry for you?"
"I-I-I-I-I-I..." I eloquently explained (stammered).
The frying pan imbedded itself in the wall inches above my head. The eggs in it, half-cooked, slid down into my blue hair as I tried to get my limbs to move.
I was a shinobi! I could do this!
Kisame glared at me.
Maybe not.
"There's your eggs, you sexist bastard," she growled. I just tried to keep from shaking now that I could move, and quickly looked down to make sure I hadn't wet myself.
"Why is there a frying pan in the wall, un? And why do you have eggs in your hair?" asked Deidara, barely managing to keep the laughter out of her voice. I downed the rest of my burnt toast -turns out I actually couldn't even manage a toaster and two slices of bread- before answering.
"I can't cook. Saw Kisame cooking and figured asking couldn't hurt," I shook my head sorrowfully, "Turned out it sorta did. Must be that time of the month, or something."
I said the last part just as Itachi entered the room with Kisame in tow. Deidara's glare alerted me to a blunder I'd somehow made and I looked up just in time to see a flash of blue before pain exploded across my face.
"Sexist asshole," muttered Kisame.
"Fuckin' pervert, too," added Hidan, kicking me in the side just for fun as she walked by.
Unfortunately, "that-time-of-the-month-which-should-never-ever-be-mentioned-if-you-wish-to-keep-your-balls-un-castrated" was just around the corner. And wouldn't you know, all the members have some freaky synchronization thing going on where they're PMSing one after another?
That was perhaps the only time I was ever thankful that Nagato had injured herself badly when she did that self-damaging jutsu with her rinnegan and that the corpses don't exactly... function that way. Sadly, that also meant I had no prior experience... and the members were not as understanding as Nagato would have been.
Long story short, when all the members except one are female, you have one guess to name the one sent to buy the assorted feminine products.
I'm sure the other dudes out there with scary girlfriends or sisters have undergone something similar. In fact, some might thing it's no big deal... except for that akward moment when the cashier is looking back and forth between you and the box of tampons. However, if you don't think that this ordeal is that harsh, you try shopping for six S-rank missing-nin all PMSing to rival a rabid animal. One of which who just so happens to be the most powerful ninja in the Great Nations, and your secret boss.
Pissed your pants yet?
As if the whole thing weren't bad enough, it turns out that some of the members are exceedingly picky about what products they use. You can't just load up on the first thing you see; no, you've got to stare at each one and figure out just what strange words like "wings" "maximum absorption" and "toxic shock syndrome" mean.
It's a strange, and terrifying world. There are so many brands, so many different kinds... it isn't even possible to bargain shop because you're too distracted by the baffling amount of options presented!
Then, when you finally manage to collect all the correct products you think are on the list, you turn around to find a bunch of teenage girls staring at you and giggling.
Can you blame if I cracked? If I used my paper jutsu to strangle those stupid girls and terrified the civillian shopkeeper into letting me just take the stupid products with me? If I left the vicinity cheered that at least now a few members of the frightening gender had been eliminated?
If you are shuddering in horror right now, take consolation that I only dreamed of doing that. I behaved like an upstanding citizen, except for the part where I glowered at the girls so that they quickly moved out of my way before starting their laughing again.
Perhaps you wonder why I'm not gay if I find women so... annoying? Simple answer: there is no way I'm going to announce I'm not interested in women only to find myself surrounded by them as they try to get me to do their hair and talk about fashion.
Besides, women aren't all bad. They've certainly got their... good points.
When they aren't making me buy their tampons, that is.
Actually getting their feminine products to them was an adventure in itself. I didn't dare to actually hand the package of tampons to Hidan, so I ended up chucking them on her bed and running away before she could give chase with that deadly scythe. I ended up dodging poisoned senbon from Sasori before I managed to make it down the hall (I am so glad she removed her... female organs when she made herself into a puppet! For some reason, the PMSing continues... ah, hell, she probably just joins in on the "fun") to Deidara's room.
Deidara really is the worst one. She's all adolescent and hormonal and loud-Itachi was never that way. Never. Which is actually kind of creepy.
Anyway, I ended up having to discard my flaming cloak in the trashcan in Kakuzu's room on the way to Kisame's. Kakuzu is old enough not to have to worry about the monthly problem of the older problems -instead, we all get to deal with a menopausal woman. Wonderful.
Kisame was next and I set the cardboard box down on the floor before knocking and running away. It may not be manly, but neither is being castrated for crossing the wrong woman.
I left the package for Zetsu on her dresser, and fought off two carniverous potted plants before I made it safely back to the hallway again.
The elder Uchiha was next. I left the products on the dresser, too, as she was out -probably with "Leader", planning. Don't ask me how she still has her monthly cycle at her age. It probably involved something to do with female organs and complicated jutsu theories that were never really my cup of tea. Orochimaru might have been interested, but not me.
Finally, Itachi. I'd been expecting her to be the reasonable one, but it's always the quiet ones you have to look out for. Especially insane, bloodthirsty, quiet ones with a kekkei-genkei. Mangekyou sharingan was definitely not what I'd been expecting when Itachi opened her door to my knock. And I thought a plain Uchiha glare was bad! Add that particular sharingan to it and I would happily charge Kisame with nothing but a toothpick!
When a woman says "Do I look fat in this?" you run away.
Some (suicidal) guys will tell you to tell them the truth: they could've gone with something other than shapeless cloaks.
Some (stupid) guys will tell you to lie: tell them they look stunning and beautiful and gorgeous, and of course black and red are fantastic colors on them.
Most of these men are all shapeless puddles of goo. The second option might seem smart, but women will only insist you're patronizing them -even if they're a world-renowned model. If you don't want to fall victim to a woman's ire, listen when I tell you to suddenly take up cross-country. After all, I've survived with minimal casualties.
If the woman is Deidara, I suggest bringing along a few buckets of water to put out any fires and hiding behind something to deter explosions. Make sure you aren't visible from the sky.
The hardest thing to do is to run away without looking like you are. You must either pretend not to hear the question or answer something non-committal ("Hn" noises don't work on Uchihas, as they seem to be able to hold an entire conversation based on that one syllable. Try to choose something no one can decipher!) before fleeing.
Deidara is actually very easy to confuse. You grunt, pretend Leader's calling for you, and leave the room before hiding in the broom closet in the basement for a few hours until she forgets. That saying about blondes really could be true when it comes to Deidara.
Thankfully, most members don't ever try to ask me questions like that. Nagato and Itachi don't indulge themselves in things like that, Kakuzu just doesn't care, Kisame hates me too much to bother asking for my opinion, and Sasori is a puppet: if she ever felt uncofident, she could just carve herself a new waistline.
Madara/Tobi and Hidan will ask just to get me in trouble.
But Zetsu? The white half really takes it seriously! I swear, Zetsu is probably the most scariest member there is... besides Itachi. And Kisame, sometimes. And-
Okay, let's face it. They're all pretty scary. But Zetsu? Man, she's like... a half-plant, cannibalistic, schizophrenic...
In the Akatsuki, it really sucks to be a guy.
"Yo, dickhead the pervert!"
I turned around with a sigh. "What do you want, Hidan?"
"Tell the boss-man I need a new partner. Kakuzu's like, old, and grumpy as fuck," she said, crossing her feet as she leaned back into the couch.
"At least you're still alive," I said absently, thinking of the last three partner's gruesome deaths.
"Immortal, bitch," said Hidan. I sighed once again and got up to leave the room. It's never a good idea to stay in the same room all alone with Hidan for too long.
"I'll give Leader your request," I said as I opened the door to the hall.
"You better, pervert. Say, how does it feel to be the Boss' bitch, hm?"
I twitched in anger, before cringing. Was that really how the rest of the Akatsuki saw me?
Ah, well, this was Hidan. I could pretty much reply to that aggravating accusation any way I wanted to, and it wouldn't matter. It wasn't like she was Itachi or anything. The only thing Hidan would do is cuss back at me if I snapped. Which I wouldn't. I would just get her back for calling me pervert all the time...
"Really great, you know? Leader does this thing with her tongue where-" I was cut off by a quiet cough and whirled around.
There stood "Leader", looking at me disdainfully before impatiently pushing me aside and walking past me into the kitchen.
I became aware that my mouth had fallen open and hastily closed it, noticing the warm sensation of my flushed face, as Hidan started cackling.
"Wow! Pervert, you really fucked up there, huh?" she roared.
I groaned and left before I did something else I would regret -though likely nothing would top my blunder with Nagato...
I feel like I owe the rest of my fellow man some basic rules to follow based on my experience with the Akatsuki.
Rule # 1: Never get between a woman and her chocolate if you so much as suspect it is anywhere near that time of the month. Casualties will definitely occur.
Rule # 2: No matter your personal opinion, the woman is always right. No amount of pride is worth the pain crossing a woman brings.
Rule # 3: If your boss is a woman, resign immediately.
Rule # 4: If you so much as look a woman anywhere but her eyes, get used to being thought of as a pervert. Yes, this rule applies to body parts like hands and hair.
Rule # 5: Opening a door for a woman is never okay, not even if she's missing both arms. Not opening the door is a screw up, too. The best thing to do is just uninstall every single door; otherwise, just live with this insane paradox.
Follow these five rules and you might survive. I personally reccomend staying out of reach whenever dealing with a woman, just in case. Of course, this is all based on my experiences, and if you don't live with a bunch of S-ranked females, then these rules could be completely non-applicable.
However, I highly doubt that. Women are women. Whether S-ranked or civillian, they all have a few things in common: they can build a man up and tear him down with one word, they are lovely and mysterious creatures that man will always admire and never understand, and they will wrap you around your finger before you can even blink.
But above all...
Women are troublesome.
A/N: Yes, Konan quotes Shikamaru. And I was too lazy to come up with names for the GB!Akatsuki, so... I may have accidentally used pronouns that refer to their canon gender.
Now, just to cover my ass, I don't want to be flamed by a bunch of feminists. This is under the humor/parody section which generally means it is not to be taken seriously and things are going to grossly exaggerated. I don't really care if you think I'm demeaning my own gender. if you are insulted by a bit of humorous fanfiction, you have more than the insult to your gender to worry about. Same goes for people who might take this as a piece of feminist propoganda literature because Konan is sorta wimpy and defers to women. I've seen much, much, much worse. If you still want to flame, just know that I can't take a person seriously if they can't handle laughing at themselves or their opinions.
Ass-covering aside, I do appreciate reviews, if only to let me know that people have read the entire fic and enjoyed it/thought it worth clicking on. Favorites and alerts are great too. Feedback just makes me happy :)