So this isn't my usual fluffy disposition, but you're just gonna have to deal with that. Blame the fact that I can't walk for another month, my mom getting mad at me for no reason, my mountains of school make up work, and the fact that I have to go back to school monday for the first time in like 2 1/2 weeks. This isn't me complaining by the way, just want you to know where this little tid bit came from.
It's a little depressing, but not really that sad or anything, more just Juliet's deep thoughts and all that.
So yep that's about it, hope you like it... I totally feel like she actually could have felt a lot of this too.
Sometimes Juliet O'Hara just felt trapped. Like she couldn't breathe.
Unable to sleep, Juliet extracted herself from her boyfriend's arms, and quietly got out of bed. She made her way out onto her porch, grabbing a blanket off of the sofa as she passed by it.
This is where she would come to think. When the rest of the world was asleep, she would sneak outside to let the fresh air clear her head, and let the stars make her wonder. Wonder how she had gotten here, how come she still didn't feel… right.
She felt almost as if she had this plastic smile, that she spent years perfecting, and she had even gotten good enough at it that sometimes she could fool herself. Sometimes.
The other times she would feel like she was suffocating, putting on this fake smile for everyone, try even, to make it genuine, but by now she had almost given up hope.
Juliet sat there, wondering how she had gotten to this place. It wasn't always like this, no she really had been happy. For a long time she had truly enjoyed her friends company, laughed at her partner's lack of people skills and dead pan humor. Loved her boyfriend.
But right now it felt like an act. On the inside she felt like her heart was in a cage. A steel impenetrable cage that made her go through the motions of her day, her interactions with people, always squeezing tighter, tighter… until nights like these when she just couldn't keep in in any longer.
A tear slipped down her cheek at the thought. There was nothing she could do about it. Shawn was oblivious, no one else knew her well enough to tell, and Carlton was too dense to care. She had gotten too good at this act, this personality she had created.
The worst part was there really was nothing she could do. It was the feeling, the feeling that would be with her no matter who she was with, where she was, it didn't matter. She had had fleeting thoughts of trying something different, wondering if her job, boyfriend, town was the reason she felt this.
She would wake up every morning more exhausted than when she went to sleep. Drink coffee to force herself awake during work. Shawn would come into the station most days, bring her lunch, try to cheer her up. She appreciated it, really, but most of the time she still had to hide. To pretend she really did love all of it.
The problem was, she did love him. She loved him so much, and hated herself for falling so much in love with someone but still finding a way to be unhappy. She felt so claustrophobic. And that was the worst, because she knew she couldn't blame this on him, on anyone. The only thing he did was love her. And if she was alone, she knew the feeling would follow her.
It seemed as if the weight of the world was on her chest, keeping her from inhaling, laughing at her pain. Like no matter what she did, there was no way to escape the feeling. And it sucked, it wasn't fair! She wanted to enjoy her job, she wanted to love her boyfriend, have fun with him, joke with him. It wasn't fair that she felt this way, unable to feel the passion for life that everyone seemed to thrive off; that she once did.
The kicker was though, she didn't feel like this all the time. She would laugh at Shawn's jokes, feel the warmth surround her heart when he held her close and smiled at her in that way that told her she loved him without the words ever passing over his lips. That was when she truly felt alive.
But times like these, she felt like instead of being herself, she was trapped inside her body, going through the motions of Juliet O'Hara's life, like she was a stranger in her own body.
She shut her eyes gently, taking a few more deep breaths before she walked back inside, feeling slightly better. She snuck back into her room, getting under the warm covers and snuggling up to Shawn's chest, his rhythmic breathing soothing her.
He really was what she needed, she mused. She realized quickly as she got to know him that his jokes weren't so much because he was immature, it was because he wanted to keep the emotions light. He wasn't afraid to have fun. But a part of him that she saw a lot more than others was that he could be totally serious when he wanted. He could be the sweetest, most caring, thoughtful guy. Even though the world saw him as a child, he was more of an adult than she thought.
She yawned, thanking God that she was finally tired, and feeling a surge of love for Shawn, knowing that even though it's always an uphill battle, he was such a huge part of calming her thoughts and making her feel free.
Let me know what you think. It was weird for me, writing like this instead of my usual fluff or suspense or something, but I feel a lot better now(: Have a problem? Write your feelings people. Write away!