APRIL

The past weeks of piecing together the last bits of the wedding – having gotten an official planner on board to compensate for how nearly dying had slowed me down – and adjusting to my new job had left me rundown and exhausted. I'd barely had the time to stop and think.

Yet now that there was a lull in the wedding because Jo and Alex were suddenly nowhere to be found midst when they should be walking down the aisle (and I can't even begin to think about the fact that the officiant wasn't here), it left plenty of time for my head to spin. It's nice to be off my feet for a moment given that I hadn't planned on running around in heels for the afternoon. Sore feet are still somehow the last thing on my mind.

I felt like a phony. The speech that I had given Arizona about how it was possible to still love and be with someone you had hurt. I had hurt Matthew in the past, and I cared about him, but I didn't love him. Being with him so much the past few weeks had just proven that to myself. I wasn't anymore in love with him this time than I had been last time.

Jackson was still the man that I was in love with. I may have hurt Matthew more than anyone else in the world, but he had been the one to hurt me more than anyone else, and I, him. Between Jordan and everything that happened before and immediately after the divorce, we had both hurt each other. We'd been able to get past it as friends, to come together for the sake of our beautiful little girl. We had learned to love each other again, even if we labeled it in a different way this time. And I felt like we could learn to love each other again.

Approaching him about it was a completely different thing.

Ending things with Matthew… it wouldn't take a lot. I'm not even sure that he would be surprised that I had come down to that decision again. If I had been able to run away from him at the altar than a simple breakup now should have been easy.

Slouching back in the chair that I was currently seated in, I let out a sigh. I'd already expressed to Arizona how much of a failure I felt like after this entire ordeal. The fact that so many people had ended up at the wrong location had only been the start of the failures of the day. But it had certainly been topped by Glasses ruining the wedding cake. Everything else terrible in between was only another item on the long list.

When Arizona and Sofia get up to help the remaining people clean up the remnants of the wedding, I slouch back in my seat for a moment. I should follow, but I need a moment to process.

Matthew, however, had different plans.

He proposed.

"April, I love you. All day I've watched you plan an entire wedding for other people and I love that you're the only one who cares that it all went to crap. I love how much you trust God. I love how you sing to Harriet. And how you hold her little hands when you pray with her. I love the way you talk to Ruby. You saved her. You saved me. And I know that this is fast and crazy but I… I don't care. Because I love... I loved who you were five years ago and I love you even more today. I don't ever want to be without you again and I almost had to be so I don't want to waste any more time. April, will you marry me?"

And I, like a fool, had kissed him and said yes, without even thinking about it. The officiant had shown up moments later and everything had become a whirlwind again, unable to think about what I was doing.

It had seemed so sweet and perfect at the moment, but Matthew wasn't the man who I wanted to hear those words from. I realized that as I had the chance to process everything that was happening, the entire mess that today had turned into. As it settled onto my shoulders, so did the reality. Matthew wasn't the one for me. He wasn't the one who I should be trying again with.

Maybe I had gone out of my mind. Or maybe it would work. I was supposed to have faith. He was a man of God, I was a woman of God. On paper, it appeared good enough. I force a smile.

Getting out of the way so that a few more things could be placed back to where they were, just a small ceremony with a few of us, I find myself sitting down next to Jackson. Right where I belong, I can't help but think. Even now, he's all that was on my mind.

"This is crazy," I whispered with a smile on my face, half-hoping he'd talk me out of it.

"Yeah," Jackson agreed with an airy huff of laughter. I have to return it to keep the expression on my face lifted. "Love makes you do crazy things." Like interrupt someone's wedding and run away together in front of everyone. "I'm really happy for you."

It's not the interruption I want, but my smile faltered for a moment. I wanted to reach for his hand, to squeeze it, to get one last hug out of him. Somehow, this feels like goodbye. I know it's ridiculous and far from the truth. We would always be in each other's life for Harriet. But that's not the only way that I want him in my life. I can feel the tears coming and I keep that forced smile on my face, hoping that it will prevent them from falling down.

"Are you going to stay?" I asked, meeting his gaze.

"Do you want me to stay?" Maybe on better terms, there was some joke there about how he shouldn't risk it. But I can't get myself to let that out.

"Yes," I answered without hesitation. "Yes, you're my…" The love of my life. The father of my children. The one I want to walk down the aisle toward. But those words aren't the ones that make it out "Of course I want you to stay."

"Then, of course, I'm staying," Jackson answered.

I hooked my arm around his and leaned into him for a moment, shutting my eyes and inhaling the familiar smell of his cologne. He hasn't changed it in years. I'd once teased him that he was going to die smelling that now. But now, it's my favorite smell. It's uniquely him. It's practically a part of his identity.

Matthew doesn't smell like him. He doesn't smell bad, but he doesn't wear cologne, either. He doesn't have much of a smell. He doesn't have much of… well, anything next to Jackson. He doesn't have the same passion, the same will to live out life to the fullest, the same sense of humor that could make me laugh until my ribs ached. He just wasn't Jackson. And he never was going to be.

I couldn't do this.

"No–no." I jerked myself away from him suddenly, rising to my feet and spinning around so that I'm facing him. "I can't do this." I began to ramble. "I can't. I can't do it. I can't marry him, Jackson. I don't love him. I don't love him anymore now than I did five years ago when I ran away from him. No matter how good we might seem for each other on paper, he's not it. He's not the person for me. You're my person, Jackson. You always have been. And I love you. Whether we were best friends or sleeping together or married or divorced, you have always been my person and you will always be my person. No one is going to change that. Nothing in the world is going to change that. God–God coming to you, that should have been a sign. Not just to you, but to the both of us. That we are meant to be together. Not me with Matthew and you with Maggie and just… floating around each other because we share a child. We should be together. You and me."

I had thrown myself out in the open without any hesitation and I could tell that it had caught Jackson completely off guard by the wide, cerulean eyes that stared up at me. But they don't look scared or upset, just stunned by the truthful words that had come spilling from my lips before I could even have the chance to stop them. But I'm glad that I didn't. He deserved to know. And I… I think that I deserve better than to settle on Matthew.

"Are you sure, April? You–you seemed happy when he proposed. I saw. You both seemed happy." Jackson questioned, wetting his lips as he stared intensely up at me.

"I'm sure. I made the mistake once and I can't do it again and… maybe he's rushing this along because he thinks I might realize it's a mistake and that's why he wants t do it right now and I can't. I'm not going to marry him. I can't." My hands were shaking as I spoke, terrified about the fact that he hadn't responded to the confession of love I had thrown at him.

Jackson stood up slowly and I adjusted myself to look up at him. Both of his hands found both of mine, and I don't pull away from him as he took them.

"I love you too, April."

Without any further hesitation, he leaned down and kissed me like it was the first time all over again. My back arched into him and I grabbed onto the lapels of his jacket to pull him in closer to me, meshing with him like we were one. This was what it was like to be kissed, to really be kissed. It was nothing like being with Matthew. It was passion and love, tangled together in the most intimate way, a release of pent-up emotion inside of me so powerful that I can feel a fresh set of tears springing in my eyes. This was more than kissing. This was what it was to be one spirit and soul with another person.

"I don't want to elope with anyone but you, Jackson. Least of all Matthew." I whispered when our lips finally parted, pressing my forehead into his and inhaling deeply once more. His hands rested on my hips, and being this close to him made me feel like I was home again.

"Then don't." The way that he says it, it's like the most simple thing in the world. Maybe it can be.

"I'll be right back." I stepped away from him for a moment, our hands lingering together.

Turning my back on him for hopefully what can be a short conversation, not wanting to drag it out and certainly not wanting to inflict any more intentional pain on Matthew, I find him talking to the minister. I pause and chew on my lip for a moment, sucking in a deep breath. I had run away from him at the altar once when I'd thought I loved him. This should be easy compared to that. At least he hadn't overheard. I didn't want to completely slap him in the face.

"Matthew!" I grabbed his arm to pull him away. "We need to talk. Just a minute." I forced a smile so it doesn't seem too abrasive, getting a little distance away from the older woman.

"Yeah? What's going on?" He questioned. I took a deep breath, bracing myself.

"I–I'm sorry, Matthew. I'm so sorry. I thought I could do this, I thought that I could be with you, but… I can't. I'm not the person that you want me to be and… you're not the person for me, either. We're just not meant to be together. Your wife just died and you're grieving and… I'm a rebound for you. I know that. And I've used you as one, too, after I lost my faith, I latched onto the first person who shared it. And that's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. We can't do this. I'm… I'm so sorry. But this is better for the both of us."

I could only pray that he would take my apology for as genuine as they were, that this wouldn't break and embarrass him. Only us, Arizona, Jackson, and Sofia around. This time, there was no big crowd of people. And maybe this time, he should have seen it coming, too.

"It's still him, isn't it?" Matthew questioned. There's no doubt who he's talking about. He deserved honesty.

"Yeah. It's always going to be." I watched him as he took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face, releasing the breath with a sigh before nodding his head. Maybe a part of him had seen this coming. I only wish that I had been able to see it sooner, to save the both of us a little pain. "I'm sorry."

"Go."

I give him one last brief smile and nod my head in the slightest, quickly turning back around and rushing to get to Jackson again. It was in the clear. We were in the clear. We could do this. It as just going to be the two of us again, the way that it really should have been all along.

Before I can find him immediately though, Arizona finds me, apparently a little panicked from having lost me for even a few moments. Jo and Alex going missing had done a number on us.

"Oh! There you are." Arizona breathed out, grabbing my shoulders with a bright smile on my face. "I thought you'd run off for a moment maybe and we were about to have a literal repeat of everything that happened last time and then everything that happened today. Are you ready? We just–" Before she could get any further, I cut her off.

"I'm not marrying him, Arizona." I blurted out quickly.

"What? Why?" She questioned.

"Because of everything that I told you earlier. I can't do it. Maybe Jackson and I hurt each other in the past, but he's the person who still makes me smile. And I know that I make him smile. I can see it in his eyes. Maybe we hurt each other in the past and maybe we really screwed it up, but… he's still the person that gives me butterflies. No one's ever hurt me the way he has. No one's ever hurt him the way I have. But we've both changed and life has changed and we have Harriet and I think… I think that it would be a disgrace to her to not keep the door open on that. Not when there's still so much there. He found God because of me, Arizona. And I never thought that he would. I never stopped loving him but I really, really thought that he had stopped and now… I know that's not the truth." Tears sprung up in my eyes as I caught myself rambling off once again, but this time, there's a broad smile on my face that cannot be contained.

Arizona's hands moved from my shoulders to my face for a moment, cupping it. She was wearing the same emotional smile that I was, and I knew at the moment, she understood better than anyone else did. Of course, she did. She had Callie, and now I had Jackson.

"Who would have ever thought? Me and Callie, and now you and Jackson…" She trailed off, letting go for only a half-second to pull me into a hug.

I laughed into her shoulder. "Yeah, who would have ever thought."

When we finally pull away from the embrace, we share one last smile before hooking elbows and moving to quickly find Jackson. I didn't want to elope. Not this time. I wanted the big wedding, the flowers and our little girl as our flower girl, our family. I wanted everything that we'd never had the first time, that we had never gotten to share with the people closest to us. I wanted the joy and the laughter of being with the people that you loved. We deserved that.

Maybe we hadn't done things right the first time, but we would this time. For us, for Harriet. We would do better. We would be better. We had learned what worked and what didn't. This time, we would be able to pull it off. Nothing in the world could stop us.

"Hey, there you are," Jackson greeted us as he approached, tucking his phone in his pocket. "I just got off the phone with Maggie. And we're good to go."

I greet him with a smile and he bent down, quickly placing another kiss on my lips.

"What about the wedding?" Sofia asked suddenly, and my eyes widen with panic. Fortunately, Arizona stepped in to speak before I had to figure out something.

"Well, you remember Penny with Mama, right? Matthew is kind of like April's Penny. They liked each other, but they're not meant to be. She's meant to be with Jackson. Just like I'm meant to be with Mama. But don't tell her I said that just yet, okay? It's a surprise, between me and you." Arizona spoke. I couldn't help but share the infectious smile on her face.

"Why don't we take you two to the airport, then see if we can catch the tail end of Alex and Jo's celebration?" Jackson suggested with a raise of her eyebrows.

With nods all around, we make a heartfelt drive to the airport. I'm not ready to say goodbye to Arizona and I don't think I'll ever be, but maybe it would be a little easier for the both of us knowing that we're going to be with the person that we were meant to be with. Arizona would have her family back together, and I would have mine. That all by itself was something magical and beautiful.

A few tears managed to make it out despite my efforts, but it at least made it till the two of us are alone in Jackson's car again and driving back toward his house. Our hands are connected on top of the center console, just like the first time we'd taken a getaway car together.

"I love you, Jackson," I lifted up our hands, placing kisses on the back of his knuckles. "You're my person."

"And you're mine."

He glanced over at me, and we shared a sweet kiss. This time, there would be no ending.