It's been three months. Three whole months with absolutely no leads and no new evidence. She thought it would get easier. Thought that if she could just get through every day then the next would be better. She was wrong. It was killing her. She tried burying herself in the case to get answers. She tried drinking to forget the pain of not having him by her side. She tried staying away from his family, her family, to distance herself from his memory. She tried everything and nothing worked. Until today.
Today she stopped in her tracks as she fumbled for the Tylenol bottle in her medicine cabinet. Today she stopped breathing as her box of tampons caught her eye and she began counting backwards in her head. Today she broke down sobbing on the hard tile floor of her bathroom because she knew. She knew without even taking a test that this was happening. Today she turned her life around.
She called her doctor with tears still streaming down her face, and scheduled the soonest appointment possible. For the next three hours she cleaned.
It was a therapeutic act. Having something to do with her hands allowed her to let go of the worries and sadness that threatened to consume her thoughts. Her lifestyle had been awful in the past three months. Between the insomnia, her lack of appetite, and to mention her complete lack of care for herself. There is no telling what that has done to this baby. Her baby, their baby. She wishes she could go back and change things. If only she could have been stronger. She can't help but feeling like she has already failed as a mother. She has already screwed up. She may have already ruined her last chance at a family. So she cleans.
Her apartment was a mess, dishes, spills she hadn't cleaned, laundry everywhere, and papers having to do with the case strewn everywhere. It took hours, but as she finally collapsed on the couch she felt a bit better. Her mind had moved off her worries and onto getting herself up and ready for her appointment.
She broke down again in the shower. Letting the scalding hot water beat down on her back as she crumbled. They had talked about kids after Cosmo's case. They had stayed up all night after the rest of the family had gone home or retired to their own rooms. They lay wrapped in each other's arms fantasizing about the future. How many kids they would have and where they would live. If she would move up in the ranks and whether or not their partnership would continue when their children went to school.
She fell asleep with her back pressed to his stomach with his hands warm and low on her stomach. He told her his vision for the future. A little girl with chestnut curls and gorgeous eyes, with her brain and his imagination. A little boy with his unruly hair and mischievous nature. A house with a porch and a yard with a dog. An office for his writing and a giant tub for all of her stressful days.
It was everything she wanted. After that night she had promised herself they would start trying as soon as they were married. It was meant to be her wedding present to him. She was so excited to see his face when she made her wishes clear.
She knows he would be so happy if he were here. That he would have squealed like a little girl and picked her up and spun her around when he found out. Her heart breaks for the emptiness beside her. And for the life inside her that may never meet it's father.
They scaled back the investigation. The FBI. Three months with not one single lead it was only logical. She fought them tooth and nail as they packed up all their materials from the precinct. Ryan had to tear her away as she yelled and screamed at them for giving up. Gates had sent her home once she was coherent enough to listen. Told her not to come home until she pulled herself together.
The captain had been understanding up to that point last week. Letting Beckett stay on the case. She had been emotional and distant and definitely neglecting all other aspects of her job. Spending nights on the break room couch or even just with her head down on her desk where she had collapsed from exhaustion. Gates had stayed silent through the obvious and numerous breakdowns. But enough was enough. She had taken all the files and stormed out.
When she finally peals herself off the floor of the shower she feels even worse if that is possible. She feels raw and spent and more alone than ever.
She sat in the waiting room of the OBGYN office just trying not to think. Trying not to look at the happy couples and obviously pregnant women waiting with her. It felt like an out of body experience and she began to question the reality of the situation. Was she really pregnant? Was she crazy to think that she could ever do this without him? She was wrong. There was no way she was actually pregnant.
She had just talked herself out of staying for her appointment when she heard her name.
"Katherine Beckett?" She almost broke down at the sound of her own name. It was wrong. All wrong. She should be Katherine Castle. Rick should be here with her, fidgeting with excitement and squeezing her hand. She should have two rings on her finger, not one.
After answering all of the bright, cheery nurses' questions she was left alone in the exam room. The tears fell silently. Too many thoughts whirling around in her head for her to be able to even focus on one in particular.
"Are you alright?" Dr. Abernathy walked into the room and was shocked to see her with her head in her hands crying her heart out. Kate had never been to see her before, however, she had been recommended by her regular doctor.
"Yeah, yeah. Just… too much.. I can't.." The words just wouldn't come. No thoughts would form. How do you explain the mess that had become her life?
"I know, honey. I, uh, I think everybody knows." Honesty. It stung a bit, but it was a relief not to have to explain. The reporters had long since left her alone. But in the beginning they had been impossible. Following her every move, yelling out invasive questions, and hanging outside her apartment, the loft, and even the precinct. She was too torn up and focused to be confrontational and they eventually gave it up. She wasn't that interesting anyway. A zombie of a person really. It made sense that everyone and their brother knew her predicament. She was the one, after all, who had outed their relationship to the press.
"I'll just get started then. If you will just lay back for me." She was poked and prodded. More questions were asked and Kate was able to focus on the answers rather than everything else going on. She was asked for a urine sample and showed to the bathroom. Kate was uncomfortable with everything. She could hear Ricks snarky comments in her head, and she even found herself smiling at a few.
After about half an hour the exam was over.
"Listen, we are technically supposed to wait for the lad results to do this, but I am going to make an exception." Dr. Abernathy smiled a little and indicated for Kate to lay back on the small exam table. "What do you say, Kate, would you like to see your baby?"
Kate could feel the tears before the gel was even on her stomach. She wondered not for the first time today when she had become such a complete mess. She had had breaks throughout the last months, but nothing like this.
"Darn hormones!" she heard Castle's voice teasing her in her head.
The gel was cold on her belly and she was shaking in anticipation. She so wished he were here for this. He should be here squeezing her hand so hard it hurt while they both waited. The machine buzzed to life and an odd whooshing sound filled the room. A little alien looking baby appeared on the screen. It looked like a real baby and it was perfect.
In that moment, Kate was truly happy. It wasn't how it was meant to be. It was going to be the hardest thing she ever had to do, but she would do it. She would put down his case and return to her life for this baby. Their baby.
"Say hello to your baby, Kate!"
That was three years ago. There were still no leads or evidence. Her life definitely did not get easier. But it was better than she ever thought it could be after the day her life went up in flames.
"Jo, wake up baby girl!"