The colors flash vividly before my eyes. Crimson red, the color of blood. I watch as the spear rips through Rue's body as I try to scream, but nothing comes out. I fall to my knees. But my eyes can't look away from the horror. I'm trapped. Stuck. Suddenly, everything fades to orange… orange? A soft orange…
"Peeta!" I scream as my eyes fly open. I reach out to my left only to find cold emptiness. Of course. He's never there. He hasn't been there since we were on the train…
I shut the memory out. I refuse to let myself sink into the pit of despair that is my memories. Instead I drag myself out of bed to find that the sun has just come up. I sigh and slowly force myself to the bathroom. I strip and step into the shower, too careless to pay attention to the temperature setting. Freezing cold. The water is good. The harsh cold jolts me awake. I use a shampoo that smells like lavender, and then hop out of the shower and dry off. I look at myself in the mirror.
"Katniss.." I whisper. Why am I doing this to myself? I brush the helpless feeling off. I braid my hair, throw a simple shirt and pants on and head over to Haymitch's house. Ever since we've returned to District 12, Haymitch has been my crutch. We heal together. All of us. Even Peeta…
I stop myself. I know if I let him creep into my mind I'll fall apart. And if there's anything I can't take any longer, it's falling apart.
I don't bother to knock on Haymitch's door. I simply walk in. He'll know it's me. I open my mouth to greet him, but I'm left frozen by the sight of a beautiful pair of blue eyes.
"Katniss…" breathes Peeta. I'm numb. I can't feel my body at all. I'm not even sure I can come up with a conscious sentence. Every emotion I've kept locked inside of me comes rushing through my veins. Pain. Longing. Emptiness. Regret… Love.
"Good morning sunshine. You're here early sweetheart," Haymitch croaks. I blink and somehow manage to choke out the word, "Yeah."
Seeing him is exhilarating. Happiness and Pain all twisted into one evil monster, burning me alive. I almost laugh at the accuracy. That's exactly how I feel; on fire. I see guilt flash across Peeta's face. "It's great to see you," he says.
"Yeah," I manage to say again, this time stronger than before. I'm done being a shell. A corpse. You are strong Katniss. Be strong. It's just Peeta…
"You ok, sweetheart? You look like you just got hit by a bus," Haymitch teases. " Aint it nice being together again. Like one big family." Haymitch smiles the smile of the young vibrant victor he once was. Peeta can't help but smile too. "Well, I was just leaving… I'll see you later Haymitch," Peeta says, as he walks past me, heading for the door. His arm brushes against mine and I could swear my skin had caught fire. As he walked past I could smell the familiar scent of fresh bread. He gently closed the door behind him.
"That was first time you've seen him since we got back…." Haymitch assumes. "No," I whisper, "He's come by with Greasy Sae before." "Then why…?" Haymitch questions.
That's a great question. Why? Why can't I talk to him? Tell him that I'm sorry, that I miss him. "I don't know," I say, "But I think I'm going to go."
"Come back anytime, sweetheart. You'll know where to find me," He scoffs.
I fling the door open, slamming it behind me. Peeta… Peeta… Peeta… "Damn it!" I say out loud. I wrench the door to my house open and collapse on the couch. The tears flow freely from my eyes as I think about why I can't speak to him. I can't find the words to say to him. To tell him that I need him more than anything. That I miss him and his arms around me, holding me together. Slowly, the tears subside and I drift to sleep….