I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm losing my friends. I'm losing my talent. I'm losing my girl. Everything that means anything to me is spiraling downhill. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of the crap I get for any given mistake. I'm so tired of everything. But it wasn't always this bad. It wasn't always this…sad. I actually used to be happy.
I was sitting on the couch of Miss Sunshine's living room, with my arm draped around her watching some sappy movie.
"Sonny I'm bored of this movie" I said to her. But she ignored my comment and kept watching it anyways. No one ignores Chad Dylan Cooper, not even Sonny. So I did what I felt was appropriate at the time.
"CHAD st- ha ha ha-stop it!" Her pleads were muffled by insane laughter. I knew tickling would work. It always works.
"Fine Chad we can stop the movie. It was kinda boring anyway" She turned off the television and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. I love life
I hate life. Sonny and I no longer have tickle fights on her sofa. Instead we can barely talk in a civil manner for more than 5 minutes. We always fight, and I hate that. Sure we used to fight before but that was different. Now she always gets mad at me, and I get mad at her. Then it ends with Sonny leaving in a huff without even a goodbye. I love Sonny, I do, but I can't help but think she doesn't share the feeling anymore. I'm probably right. Chad Dylan Cooper is always right.
But don't even get me started on my so-called friends I have over there at The Falls. I honestly don't know why, but each and every one of them betrayed me in some way or another. How could they all just do that to me? I don't get it. It's all so confusing.
Everything is confusing.
Nothing is simple anymore. Everything is either, bad, really bad, or awful.
Even my appearance is awful. My eyes are overwhelmed with dark rings; my once golden hair is now dull and messy. My clothes are wrinkly. Why should I try? It's not like anyone cares. Sonny doesn't care about me anymore. She made it pretty clear that we're broken up, judging by the fact that she doesn't even spare me a passing glance. I wish I had her back. She made it worthwhile, but now she's gone.
And soon I'll be gone.
My weak fingers grazed the icy cold metal of the pistol on the table. It was smooth and dangerous. The touch of it was enough to drive my adrenalin over the edge. My palm began sweating and my heart was pounding. It was happening tonight. The pain was going to end tonight. Finally.
I wasn't going to leave without a final word though. I had already written a note for specific people, including Sonny. She had to know, no matter how much she disliked me. I mean, she was my first and only love…
I read over the note for the last time to make sure it was right.
Dear Sonny,
I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I just wished you had stayed with me and helped me. You may not have known this, but you helped me stay strong. You temporarily helped my depression. But once you left me and my misery, I made a choice. I think you know what I mean. And it's going to happen. I just thought you needed to know my feelings before I left. I'm so sorry…for everything. For anything that I have ever done to you, I am truly sorry. But it's too late to go back, you've obviously moved on but I'll always have a place in my heart for you. Goodbye
Chad
I think it cleared everything up. Now all I needed to do was send it to her.
I walked up to her apartment and took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I took the note that was in a sealed envelope, and carefully slid it under the doorway. She wouldn't be home for a little while longer so I took my time and trudged down the stairs. This was really happening. And I'm kind of glad that it is.
When I got home to my house, it was so eerily quiet. I have never experienced quietness like it before...It was the sound of death. So lifeless and dark. It was as if you were in a completely empty cemetery, all alone. Yet you could almost feel someone watching you. Was it God? Maybe, but I was never one to believe in him. If he did exist, why wasn't he helping me now?
At this point it was roughly 7 o'clock and I was in my room. Death was lying on the desk across from me. It was staring at me. It was penetrating into my soul. It was now or never and quite frankly I preferred now.
I slowly walked over to the desk and lifted the heavy gun into my hands. It was so cold and lifeless. Soon I will be the same. I looked at the gun and thought for a moment. What if, by some rare chance, someone did care about me? Would they be sad? Would they be disappointed? But all thoughts vanished as I lifted the metal object up to the side of my head, up against my temple. The chill it gave me was terrifying. I was scared. I was so genuinely scared of what was bound to happen next. Never in my life have I experience anything like this. Yet again, I never thought it would come to this. But it had to be done! There wasn't any other choice! There was no career for me. I had no girl. I didn't have any real friends. Hell, my parents don't even give a damn about me. They left me alone as soon as I got the role of Mackenzie. They left as soon as I started rolling in cash. That's all I was ever good for, and I'm sure my body will be worth something too. So what's the point?
This was the last thought that ran in my head as my finger moved so slowly on the trigger. This very trigger was the end to everything.
But all my plans were ruined. All my hard work and effort was for nothing because at that moment the unexpected busted through my door. That door was expensive.
"Chad! Don't!" she screamed. I turned around with the gun still in my hand and stared wide-eyed at Sonny. She was in her pajamas and was all sweaty. I'm guessing she ran up here at top speed. Why would she come here though? I'm pretty sure she hates me.
"Chad, please. Please don't do it." She stared at me with begging eyes and started crying. If she's crying I guess she does care. But I'm so confused. I want to stop and put down the gun, but I want to just get it over with and leave. But I couldn't. Not with Sonny here.
Right then and there, I collapsed on the floor and broke down into tears. Tears I have been keeping inside me for so long. I cried and cried and during that time I felt a gentle arm around my shoulders, and hushed words tell me it will be okay. Was it okay? Was this the end of it all? What's going to happen to me. But all I could think about right now was letting my emotions pour out.
"Sonny, why are you here." I quietly asked her. I needed to ask her. I had to know.
"Chad, don't be stupid you know why I'm here…I don't want to see you go. I still love you, you big dummy." She gave me a sad smile, and looked me in the eyes. She was being completely sincere. After all this time of being angsty and depressed she still loved me. It's amazing. And I regret every thought I had. Well, most of them.
"Sonny, I wanted to do it, I wanted to pull the trigger. And I was going to, if you didn't burst through my door. And honestly…I kind of still want to." I looked down and avoided her eyes. She gave a sad sigh and pulled my head so I was looking at her,
"Look Chad, I know you have been going through an extremely hard time, the hardest time in your life. But…suicide isn't the answer. If you had pulled that trigger, you don't know how devastated I would be. I love you Chad. And I'm sorry I left you. I'm so sorry." She wiped away a tear and I wiped away my own. She really does love me.
"I'm so sorry Sonny. Can you just do me a favor and get that thing out of my sight. I don't want to even look at it." She happily obliged and kicked it across the room. The she kneeled in front of me and looked me in the eyes once again.
"Chad, how about we go out like old times. Like we used to. Maybe we can eat this sadness away with frozen yogurt." Her eyes brightened, and I showed a small smile on my face. As much as I wanted to go with her, my fingered still burned from the sensation. They still ached from the touch of what was going to be the end of my life. I was so grateful for Sonny. I had my girl back and she saved me. It was fast and easy but to tell the truth, I think I would've chickened out. Let's face it, I have too much going for me to die. And with Sonny with me, I could get my life back.
"Well, come on Chad, let's go!" She grabbed my hand and gave me a long, sweet kiss straight on my lips. Oh how I missed those soft lips. I missed her. As soon as she pulled away I quickly brought her back by grabbing her by the waist. My lips landed on hers once again she put an arm around my neck. Just like old times. Our mouths danced and played. Her lips tasted sweet and full of care. I bet mine tasted of bitterness and sadness. But when we finally separated, she had a smile glowing on her brilliant face.
"Why did I ever give that up" she said jokingly. I let out a short laugh and placed her small hands in mine. Her fingers interlaced with mine and they fit perfectly together.
"How about we go to your place and watch a movie?" I winked at her and she knew what I meant.
It was just like old times.
Well that turned out different from what i planeed but hey I liked it. If you did too, maybe you could review? Give me some feedback or something? :)