I do not own these characters. These characters belong to the author Rainbow Rowell.
"You like Cath, don't you?" Reagan confronted me, the second after I re-entered her dorm room from walking Cather to the library for her study date.
"Jesus fucking Christ Reagan. All I did was walk the girl down to the library." I groaned, but still smiling at my old friend. Even as I said the words I knew I was lying through my teeth and Reagan was not buying it.
"She's completely insane." Reagan remarked, obviously trying to ride me up the wrong way. I knew I shouldn't comment back; it would only make Reagan more suspicious and open myself up to her ridicule. That would have been the smart thing to do.
"She isn't that bad. She may have a slight obsession with Simon Snow- " I said but Reagan abruptly cut me off.
"Slight? Are you fucking kidding me! Have you seen her side of the room? And my god the t-shirts. That girl is obsessed alright, but there isn't anything slight about it." Reagan stifled a short laugh at her roommate's fetish with the Simon Snow book series that most people grew out of when they were eleven. I, for one, found Cather's obsession rather cute.
"Apart from that, is there anything really that wrong with her?" I questioned her defensively. This remark was apparently worthy of a Reagan eye-roll and heavy sigh.
"Okay let's get this straight. This freshman girl who happens to be my roommate, who is freakishly obsessed with Simon Snow, with Simon Snow heads on her desk none the less." – Here Reagan gestured over to Cather's side of the room towards her desk where there were indeed, busks of Simon Snow's head. – "Most of her friends are internet friends, and I've never seen her have any friends around here. She's a freaky eater who wouldn't even ask me where the fucking dining hall is so she was eating fucking energy bars for weeks. And you, Levi Stewart, have a crush on her."
I paused for a second, looking over to Cather's side of the room and pictured her sitting on her bed with her laptop resting upon her lap. I watch her sometimes when she doesn't know I'm looking and I wonder what she's thinking when she squints and stares at the screen of her laptop with such concentration. I think about what she's writing when I hear the loud clatter of her fingers tapping rapidly at the keyboard as she pours herself into her work.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be a part of her life. Not just as her roommate's friend who is always waiting outside her dorm room door. Every time I look at her I can't help but marvel at the way she positions her whole being. I want to know more about her; I want to know everything I can possibly know about her.
Whenever she looks at me I can't help but flash her a wide smile. I long for her to let me in and include me in her thoughts and I want her to know that I'm a good person. Every time I'm with her I want to divulge my soul to her, tell her my life story, my secrets, my hopes and my desires.
But all of these thoughts and feelings are pointless. Cather is a freshman and I only just met her. I can't pressure myself onto her; she probably has enough on her plate without me there. Besides I can't even remember what it's like to be in a serious long term relationship, not since Reagan at least and that's ancient history.
"Dude. Earth to Levi. Are you thinking about Cath?" Reagan said giving me a knowing glare; fully aware that my mind had been elsewhere.
"What's it to you if I like your roommate anyway? I thought you hit it off with her?" I questioned her, raising my eyebrows.
"First off; she's my roommate and although she's a whole new kind of weird ass crazy I still have to live with her. Second; she is the most socially awkward person I have met which means that a guy like you suddenly crushing on her is not only intimidating but insanely mental. Third; the socially inept girl is on a fucking date tonight, probably with a rich, good looking English lit major who you do not compare to on any scale." Reagan said mocking and insulting me. Nothing new there, just the same old Reagan that she has always been.
"Cather never said it was a date, she's just going to study." I remarked defensively under my breath.
"That is exactly what I'm fucking talking about! You are so completely jealous of whoever the guy is she's going to meet and you call her by her full name which you absolutely know she hates. Levi you have it so fucking bad for her that I almost pity you." Reagan said rolling her eyes at me yet again, not even a hint of pity in her tone, but that was Reagan for you.
"Fuck you Reagan. You just can't handle the fact that I like someone that isn't you!" As soon as I said it I immediately regretted it. Reagan's face went pale, her features deprived from emotion as she looked away from me. I've never met a tougher (and scarier) girl than Reagan, but I (along with most everyone else) forget sometimes that she's still human and has feelings.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't want to fight you Reagan, can we just drop the subject of Cather now?" I asked quietly sitting down on the edge of Reagan's bed.
"Sure, whatever. This conversation never happened." She said plainly, still not completely looking like the regular old Reagan. We sat in silence for a while, as I stared blankly back over the Cather's bed. Picturing her sitting there like she usually is. The way that she'll sometimes bite her lip when she's been staring at her screen for a long while as I watch the frustration ponder through her eyes. I imagine myself sitting next to her; holding her and then one day, leaning down to kiss her and-
"You have a thing for my weird ass crazy roommate." Reagan said and burst out laughing, I momentarily thought about reprimanding her for making fun of Cather but then something occurred to me. I completely had a thing for her weird ass crazy roommate. I couldn't hold myself back and I started to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.
"She is kinda insane." I agreed when my fit of laughter started to calm down slightly. I now remembered when we found all the Blueberry Bliss energy bars in her trash and her secret stash. How that she was so freaked by Reagan that she didn't even ask her where the dining hall was, weeks into the semester. That was when I realised I found Cather's crazy little quirks completely and utterly adorable.
"You keep looking over to her bed." Reagan stated at a fact. I thought about denying what I knew to be the truth but I found myself silent, focusing on trying to hide the rising colours in my cheeks. "I hear no denying. Jesus Christ Levi, are you actually in love with her already?"
"No!" I said dismissively. "I mean, not yet at least. I don't know okay?" I said, rather sheepishly while Reagan stared at me with a knowing look.
"You want to sit on her bed don't you," Reagan said with a hint of a giggle. I didn't notice until Reagan suggested it; but I realised that I really wanted to sit on Cather's bed. I suddenly sprung up from Reagan's bed, walked over to Cather's bed and just lay there.
Laying there felt so right yet so wrong at the same time. I could smell the scent of her hair, radiating off the pillow and could still feel the faint warmth of where she had been sitting previously. After a few seconds of concentrating on her scent I sat up carefully and looked over at Reagan who was barely sustaining a hysteric laugh.
"Don't mind me. You continue whatever you're doing stalker boy. You know, I think you're just enough weird ass crazy for my roommate. You'd make a perfect match." And then we were both laughing again.
*A few hours later*
"Cath's been gone a while." Reagan noted while she was helplessly flicking through pages of a textbook.
I was still sitting on Cather's bed, listening to an audio tape of a lecture that I wasn't really paying any attention to. I was well aware that Cather had been gone a long time, a clock was constantly ticking inside my brain as I imagined what she was talking about, the person she was talking to. It wasn't like Cather to be out this long, she had been a recluse for the whole semester so far; and it was worrying me.
'For God's Sake Levi' I thought to myself, 'She's eighteen years old, she's not a kid. She can take care of herself.' Some part of me was conscious of that fact, but another, more prominent part of me wanted to protect her from the world and everything in it that can hurt her.
"Who are you, her mother?" I said sarcastically out loud to Reagan who sure enough, gave me a one fingered salute in return.
"Dude, its midnight aren't you worried about her?" I could hear the grin in Reagan's voice without even looking at her, she was teasing me and I knew it. Although underneath the mocking tone of her voice, I recognised something uncommon in my friend. Reagan was concerned about this girl. Even the slight thought of it made me snicker quietly.
"Of course, I'm worried about her. She's only just found out how to get to the dining hall and now she's going out on excursions to the library and socialising past midnight?" Speaking it aloud worried me even more. Cather may not be a child but she's barely even left this room all semester and who knows; she may even be self-righteous enough to walk back here by herself without calling.
I suddenly jumped up, and put my coat on. Deciding quickly that I was going over to the library right this second to check that she's okay. Just as I opened the door, the phone in the room started to ring. Reagan stared at me, and then to the phone and then back to me again. "Shit, do you have a sixth sense or something?" she said, startled by the sudden noise and she picked the phone up on the third ring.
I didn't hear what Reagan said to Cather because I was already out the door and running in the direction of the library. I ran through the dorm building and out into the open; when the library settled into view I slowed my run into a slight jog and as I turned around one last corner I saw her.
She was standing there in the cold next to a lamppost, most likely so that I would be able to spot her easily. It took a few seconds for her to spot me, when she did I could swear that she smiled. Cather the girl who doesn't smile just at anyone, hell, the girl who barely smiles at all. She started walking toward me and in those few seconds before I reached her I couldn't stop grinning to myself, thinking how beautiful she looked in those moments as she stepped closer in my direction.
"Catherine," I said, stopping and turning to walk with her. "In one piece, even." Keep calm, be cool. I thought to myself, trying to keep from blurting something embarrassing.
"That," she said, looking rather pissed off, "isn't even my name." Shit, I screamed to myself, why am I fucking all of this up so badly?
"Just Cather, huh?" Stupid, stupid, stupid. Is that the best you can come up with Levi?
"Just Cath"
"Did you get lost in the library?" Yeah, keep asking questions; that's not weird at all.
"No"
"I always get lost in the library." Why the fuck am I telling her this? "No matter how many times I go. In fact, I think I get lost there more, the more that I go. Like it's getting to know me and revealing new passages." Just keep talking Levi, it won't be weird unless you stop talking.
"You spend a lot of time in the library?" She gave me what I interpreted as a doubtful look.
To this I indignantly replied "I do, actually." Which I instantly regretted because I felt like I sounded as if I was bragging and why the hell was I bragging to this girl?
"How is that possible when you're always in my room?"
"Where do you think I sleep?" I said while grinning, trying to keep my cool as she looked up at me and I could see her big eyes even with the darkness of night surrounding us. As I looked into her eyes I realised that they had no definite colour to them; it was a mixture of blues, greens and browns all in one and I swear that I had never seen eyes so beautiful as hers.
We continued most of the walk back to her dorm in silence, when we got back to her room she thanked me and said good night. I said goodnight to Reagan through the door from which I received no reply but I still kept on smiling.
When Cather closed the door on me I felt like jumping in the air with frustration. Why the hell can't I just tell this strange, reclusive, crazy girl that I like her? Instead of jumping I just turned away and started walking back the way I came but instead towards my house.
All the way back to my room the same thought kept replaying over and over again in my mind. How Cather had walked towards me, to meet me half way. How she almost smiled at me; a proper genuine smile. It was then that I made a promise to myself. A promise that I would one day tell Cather how I feel. One day Cather might even like me back and our story will be amazing. If, no when, that day comes; life will be epic.