"All I want is to be loved for myself"
~ Erik
Jeanette
1830-1840
If you've ever sat alone, in the darkness of your bedroom, with heavy curtains pulled over your windows on a perfectly sunny day, you would know my feelings. Now, imagine being in the unbroken darkness, aloneness, and silence for years. No one to help you, no one to save you from the demons and monsters that lurk therein. You're stuck. Stuck in the lonely darkness, caged, trapped, like an animal.
An animal. That is what you grow to be. Sniffling, scrounging around for anything, any hint of sunlight or sound, something, anything to break you free of your cage. Trapped.
The day she was born was exceptionally cold, and wet. It had rained for weeks, but now, the clouds ceased their tears but they blanketed the entire sky in a led colored quilt. I chill wind blew, I did not know this from walking outside, but I saw it in the expression of the hurried midwife. I lay on my bed, in a lake of my own hot sweat, cringing from sudden pain. "It's alright madam, the midwife is here, it'll be alright" The nanny insisted, patting my hand as I glared at her.
How could she smile and think it would be 'alright'? I sighed and my head fell back onto my wet pillow. The pain would come suddenly and slowly, it would melt away, I heard the door to my bedroom open and a frail-looking woman, who I guessed to be around her early sixties, entered the room. Her skin was pale and could be closely compared with worn leather, the veins on her hands and arms poked out whilst her skin sagged. Her eyes were sunken in and her grey hair was pulled into a bun, she lowered a blue hood and shivered, her long nose was the color of a cherry, as were her old ears.
Her nimble fingers unbuttoned her cloak and placed it on a chair, near the fire. Some relief came over me as I felt her ice cold fingers on my steaming thigh. The pain came again and I threw my head back onto the pillow, screaming in anguish, the midwife nodded. "Yes, yes, darling, you are quite ready!" She cried, ordering the nanny to fetch sterilizing alcohol, hot water, and scissors.
My teeth dug into my lip as the pain continued past its usual stopping point, my fingernails dug into the sheets and grasped bunch fulls of them. Now my lips were numb and I felt a warm liquid begin to flow into my mouth, the liquid tasted of iron. The pain was persistent, causing my legs to shake uncontrollably and my vocal chords to crack, the midwife raised my legs and gave a cry of discovery, the nanny hurried back into the room, carrying the necessary tools the midwife required. "I see the head, my dear, you're doing perfect! Keep breathing!"
I screamed again, the pain was immeasurable and I felt as if I would be torn in two before this baby was born! Tears came in a flood as the pain reached a climax, but, as quickly as the pain hit top, it began to melt away. I heard the midwife laugh and the nanny burst into tears as the pain receded from my body, my eyes were half open and I watched the disfigured shadows from the fire dance upon the ceiling. I was dully aware that the midwife and nanny were conversing, but in my ears a ringing began and my head pounded. Then, I heard a sound that pulled me back to reality, a sound that jerked tears to my eyes, a sound that awakened something inside me.
It wasn't crying, it was more of a soft coo, like of a dove. I lifted my head and dizziness overtook me, forcing my head back down upon the soggy pillow. I heard the midwife's step upon the creaky hard wood, then she stood beside the bed, holding such a precious gift wrapped in a pink blanket. I had so many questions to ask her, but, before I could open my bleeding lips to say a word, the midwife placed the baby in my arms, nodded to the nanny, picked up her cloak, and left the room. The nanny slowly walked to a wooden chair beside the bed and lowered herself down, she stared at me and gave a weary smile.
"Look at your baby, mademoiselle, go on, look at your wonderful creation" She whispered. Without a word I turned the small, precious being to me and unveiled its face. My heart stopped beating, my breath halted in my mouth, and my eyes grew to the size of melons. It was a girl, no doubt, but this girl was born with yellow eyes, yellow eyes! I stared down at this child, this child!
This child that was so nervously and anxiously awaited! This child that was going to be showered in love and anything else it fancied! This child who was the only one the doctor would permit me to have! This child...this being...was an abnormality. As I stared in horror down at this...this thing that I created, the child stared back up at me, scanning my face and watching my terror.
It not only watched, but I felt as if it understood! I felt that it understood my horror and why I looked at it so. But, the child...the thing...made no cries or squirmed, it just layed in my arms, waiting for me to do something. The thing's yellow, cat-like eyes watching me, staring at me, expecting me. "T-th-throw it into the fire..." I whispered, breaking my gaze from the thing.
"Madam?" Asked the nanny in surprise, leaning towards the bed, the shadows of the fire leaving strange designs on her shocked face.
"You heard what I said...throw it into the fire!" I ordered, pushing the thing into her arms. The nanny pulled the thing to her chest and backed away from the sopping bed.
"B-but, madam, you know it is against our religion! That's murder, madam, murder!" She cried, tears gathering to the sides of her eyes, now, there was another step upon the stair, Father Dalton came into the room. Father Dalton was a balding man in his late fifties, his skin was wrinkled and his back hunched, he sighed and smiled to me. I made no effort to smile back.
The nanny walked over to Father Dalton and showed him the face of the thing. He stood straighter and nodded, the nanny handed the thing to Father Dalton whilst she fetched hot water. "You have a beautiful little girl, Jeanette. Absolutely beautiful, she'll have many suitors before she turns eighteen." Said Father Dalton with a smile that revealed yellow teeth, just like the eyes of the thing.
"If it is a girl you may call it. It is the work of the devil, Father, look at its eyes, its eyes, Father! They're as yellow as corn in the fall, as yellow as dandelions!" I cried, lifting my head from the pillow and staring at him.
"Now, do not speak that way, it is a gift from God." Said Father Dalton, now, the nanny returned, carrying a pot of hot water. Father Dalton handed the thing back to the nanny and blessed the water "I must name her something, give me a name." Father Dalton said, taking the thing back from the nanny. My mind was so swimming with horror that I hadn't even thought of a name for it.
"I need a name, Jeanette." Said the Father urgently. I shook my head and told the nanny to name her. The nanny leaned over to Father Dalton and whispered something in his ear. "I baptize thee Penny" Said he.
I do not remember much, save, waking to Edward's voice and seeing sunlight streaming in through the window. Edward's hair was still jet black, and his eyes were still a wonderful jade, he was clean shaven and smelled heavenly. Edward and I met when I was still a young girl, studying instruments,(mainly the violin) Edward was also in the study of music, save, he was more interested in the piano. I had instantly fallen in love with him, and given up all hope of a life on the stage to follow him where ever he went. Edward built a job for himself, as a traveling pianist, he mainly traveled with gypsies who appreciated his musical talents and paid him well, especially since they got word that I was giving birth to his only daughter.
I smiled to him and hoped that it was all and nightmare, and now I was awake. The nightmare of those yellow eyes was gone and I was still pregnant, awaiting the day of the arrival of our princess. But that hope was soon dashed. The nanny stood in the threshold and smiled as I sat up on my elbows, I looked down at myself to see blood staining the bed, sheets, and myself, so it wasn't a nightmare then. It was real.
"Your daughter is in the cradle, monsieur." She whispered, Edward thanked her and she turned, slowly walking down the stairs. Edward turned to the cradle, he then peeked over the white railings and all the color from his face disappeared, his hands clenched the rail of the cradle and his ashy mouth hinged open. He would want to kill it too, I knew he would, he would want to kill it like I did, we would leave her and run, run somewhere far away from here and try again. Edward gulped and shook his head.
"Jeanette" He whispered "this is...our daughter?" He asked, turning to me, it was like he couldn't believe this is what our love made. We succeeded once out of at least fifty times, and this is what we got? A monster? I believe he thought that we switched the real baby with this monstrosity...I nodded sadly and stared into his eyes.
"Edward, let us fly. Far away from here, leave the thing with the nanny, it is the work of the devil, Edward. I know it. The devil is playing tricks with us." I whispered, staring angrily at the cradle.
There was a long silence, until Edward shook his head "No, Jeanette, this...this child is ours. We created it, Jeanette, not the devil. If this is to be our only child, we must love it and cherish it like we planned to before. God would have it no other way, he gave us this child, it is God who is challenging us, not the devil." Said Edward, leaning into the cradle and picking out the small body in the pink blanket.
"If you do not love this creation of ours, Jeanette, you must learn to love it." Whispered Edward, sitting beside me on the bed and leaning its head down towards me, the thing's yellow eyes glued to me and stared at me, like it had stared at me moments after it came out of my womb. It understood.