I sat there silently. Sitting in the cold snow where he had left me. Those cold worlds ringing in my ears."Go away, Natalia! I don't love you, do you not get that?" "But, Ivan! We are suppose to marry and be happy, da?""Net Natalia, you are weak, unwanted girl. Why would I marry you?"
He turned his back on me, and left.
"I, I am unwanted." I could feel thin rivulets making paths on my snow-kisses cheeks. I felt as though the snow had grasped my heart with its artic clutches. Like I would never feel warm again, even if I went to the Sahara.
I searched for my ever present dagger and found in in the folds of my dress. I studied it, studied my reflection within it. What had made me ever think I would be enough for someone like Vanya? The tears fell quicker. I'm such a stupid girl. I brought the knife closer to my chest.
"Would it hurt?" I asked the winds with detached curiosity. Perhaps you should find out, a pessimistic voice spoke, after all, no one would miss you. They're too afraid. I fought back a sob. Truth hurts, Konfetka.
"The voice is right." I admitted miserably. I let the blade dance along my ungloved hand, my skin turning pink at its touch. I added pressure to the blades dance. A delicate crimson line appeared. It wasn't much blood, but it lessened the guilt gnawing at me. This is what you have earned. Pain. Lots and lots of pain. I drew a second line crossing the first. It stung a little, not much though. So I pressed a little deeper, causing the line to grow wider slightly. I clenched my hand together, watching the snow beneath it bloom burgundy. I brought my head to my face, wiping away the tears with my knuckle.
I unclasped the buttons on the uppermost part of my jacket and dress, exposing my lily-white chest modestly. I took a steadying breath as I drew two ruby threads to resemble a X.
"X marks the spot." My voice a soft murmur. Just as I pulled the dagger away I heard my name on the wind.
"Natalia? Natalia, where are you?" It was his. Do I answer? Or do I do this before he can find me.
"Perhaps he will do it for me." I rested the point lightly on the X's center. Will you do it already? The voice asked, egging me on. Before I could answer with action I heard the crunching of snow, the steps were quick.
"Natalia, what are you doing?" Fear laced his normally content voice. Oh, perhaps I should have done this where it wouldn't stain his snow. Sorry, Vanya. I turned my head slowly, keeping my face blank.
"Nothing Vanya, I will stop." His features soften, relieved. That made my decision, It makes him happy, so I must do this.Then I plunged the blade deep within my chest.Praklion, that hurts.
"NET." That's Ivan's voice, why does it sound so broken? I thought with detached discomfort, He should be happy now. As the darkness began it's hold on me, I felt big arms hold me. I felt the blade being removed and heard my own strangled cry of pain. His sobs broke my heart."Net, net, net. net." he chanted, "Net, Belarus, don't leave, you can't leave me."
With those words the darkness claimed me completely.
Toska
Consciousness came and went. The fist time, I heard hurried footfall over snow, my vision cleared long enough for me to see Ivan's tear stained face. It was close, like he was cradling me in his arms. Shh, don't cry Vanya. I will be out of you way soon enough.
In the second bout of conscious thought I heard the beating of a heart monitor. I caught a glimpse of Ivan laying his head on next to my thigh, which was laying in a hospital bed. Why is that? I felt his hand grasping mine as well.
The third time, I could only hear.
"So we can take her home soon, da?" Vanya's voice sounded tired, but it was filled with obvious happiness."Da," the strange voice said, sounding almost as tired as Ivan, "She may not wake fully for a day. The anesthetics we used were pretty strong, and her trauma took its toll on her body" He must have given some form of nonverbal cue, because I didn't hear anything else.
The final time I woke, I knew conscious thought would stay. Damn it. I failed. I open my eyes cautiously, not sure of what I would find. I was in my room, that was certainly a surprise, because it was my old room at Russia's house. I could feel my brow furrow as I took inventory on the rest of the room. It was cleaner than I had left it. There was a medium sized vase sitting on the window sill. It was filled with small periwinkle flowers.
"Flax." I whispered to myself, my voice rough sounding. My nations flower. A soft smile caressed my lips. Just seeing of them made me think of home.
I continued my inventory, noting the clean dress laying on the chair and the fact that I was wearing my old nightdress. Then I heard a soft snore. My eyes flew open as my head whirled to my side. There lay Ivan, obvious to the world around him. Why is he in my bed? Then everything tumbled back to me as comprehension dawned. My breath stuck as I tried to quell the impending onslaught of hyperventilation. N-net. I was suppose to die, I was going to make Vanya so happy. Tears welled up in my azure eyes. I brought my knees to y chest and hugged them close as I tucked my head down. Net, I failed. I took a deep breath.
" I will just, have to try again."
"Net." His voice was hard. I pulled my head up to look at him in confusion, slightly startled as well. My knees fell to the side as I twisted my torso to face him better. I tilted my head slightly, like I had done when I was small.
"Net? Why?" Doesn't he want to be rid the burden I cause?
Pain flashed across his handsome features as he sat up and drew me close to him. My blood rose at his nearness.
"Natalia," the anguish in his voice tore my heart t shreds, "Never. Ever. Do that to Big Brother again." I hugged me tighter, like I would vanish if he didn't. I could only stare at his chest dumbfounded.
"But you said-"
"Forget what I said." He lifted my face away from his chest and bore into my eyes with his own. I was baffled. He is not making any sense.
"But I am burden to you. I thought I could fix that and you would be happy if I left." Again the pain that shot through him felt like my own.
"Belarus, I only said those things because I was hoping you would move on and be happy with someone else."
"But I want no one else." My answer was instant. He sighed and looked out the window, sounding like an old man waiting for his happy retirement.
"I know." His voice was filled with utter defeat, "I know that. But there are many others better suited for you, Natalia." My heat stopped a moment before returning to work.
"Net. Even if that is so, there are many better for you, but you still pine for him." I laced the last word with all the venom and jealousy I could muster. He seemed amused by this and return to studying my face.
"Him? Net, I 'pine' after a woman." I could feel my heart constricting, I'm not sure which is worse, when I thought it was a man, or that it's really another woman he loves.
"Oh." I could hardly let the sound escape. Again he was amused.
"She is pretty and knows the snow almost as well as myself." I looked down at the bed, realizing who he was speaking of.
"You," I was struggling not to burst with sobs, "You love Big Sister." A single strangled sob escaped on her name. Why? Why does fate have to hate me so much? I can't hate my sister. The I heard his laughter and I frowned.
"You think it is funny?"
"Net, it is just that you are wrong." I felt a little guilty at just how much I was relieved.
"Oh. Who then?" I was still staring at the tangled sheets.
He lifted my chin up and planted a gentle kiss to my nose. "You." This time I was sure my heart would break. Bet then a thought hit me.
I lowered my face and spoke to his chest. "You do not have to lie if you wish me not to try again. I will live if you want, you do not have to do this. I know you don't love me like that." Bravo, the voice spoke, Glad you're strong enough for something. Shut up. I told it, heart broken and bitter. I hoped desperately that he would leave soon so that I could be left alone to rebuild my wall of ice. Again he gently made me look him in the eye.
"Natalia. That is not it. You of all people should know I am not one to sacrifice myself."
"Then why would you say those things if that's not it?"
"Because you deserve better than this!" I saw something crumble slightly in him.
"What could be better?"
"Much." His voice was bitter, "I drink my emotions away, I'm dangerous, I've killed millions, and millions." My frown soften as I leaned up to hug him, hoping to console.
"You have also saved people, you are strong. And I'm dangerous as well, that is why you cry, da?" Pleased with my self at my ability to keep the bitter notes hidden. He smiled weakly.
"Net, I cry because that knife in your hand is scariest thing I have ever seen." I chuckled, Such a good actress.
He shifted and I removed my arms from around him reluctantly as I settled back into my spot. His face returned to its serious composer. "Natasha," My heart beat a little faster at the childhood nickname, "I do love you. Believe me when I say that."
"As a sister." I spoke without emotion or any inflection.
He sighed fondly, "Net, not just as that."
"Vanya, did I not say you did not have to lie?" I won't et him take the fall for my happiness.
"And did I not say that is not the problem, Natasha?" A hint of frustration had found its way into his voice. I raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "What does Russia have to do to convince you not to try something so stupid again?"
"I already said I would not do it if you asked." Even though I'll think about it every day. Too bad countries are hard to kill.
"Good." He smiled. My heart broke. Sometimes, it hurts to be right. I was about to ask him to leave so that I could rest, when he wrapped his strong arms around my small frame. I glanced at him, shocked at his actions. What is he doing? He cupped my face gently with one of his large palms and kissed me sweetly. My body immediately responded, threading my fingers through his light hair and placing my other hand on his neck. I'm not sure what he's doing, but I like.
I pulled back first and took a breath to calm my heart, "Do not be upset when I ask: what the hell was that? And why?" I stared into his pale violet eyes, waiting for an answer. Please don't say because you get a kick out of my pain.
He grinned like mischievous school boy that had been caught, "Well, you see Natasha, when a boy likes a girl, he-" I cut him off with glare, He put his hands up in mock defense, "Okay, calm down. It was a kiss, because as I said, I love you." His smile went for mischievous to smug in an instant.
I could only stare for a moment. "But I thought you only said that so I would not try kill my self again."
"Net," He said simply, as if I was missing something obvious, "I said it because I love you and thought it about time to be telling you." Again I could only stare.
Then I tackled him, forcing him down on the bed. Ignoring the pain from my wound the motion had caused, I kissed him deeply all I had pent up within me. He slowly adjusted and placed his hands on the small of my back. He stopped the kiss before I would have ever considered, but propped myself up on his chest as he began.
"You believe Vanya now?"
"Da." I rolled myself off and snuggled up against him, wanting to rest. He laid his arm around me, cradling me closer.
Just as sleep was about to take me he murmured softly, "I am sorry that I said such awful things to you. And I am sorry that I made you do such a thing" I felt his hand glide over the scars on my chest softly. Then he thumbed the ones marbling my palms before kissing them delicately.
"You are most precious," His voice filled with some of the pain from earlier as he drew me even closer, "I am so glad you are alive, Natalia." He kissed my forehead, like when we were young.
"Me too." I mumbled groggily, "I like life a lot right now." I inched closer as he chuckled.
"I love you." His voice was so gentle I had to open my eyes a moment.
"I love you, too." I reached up and kissed him before retuning to snuggle back into his arms. He rested his head on top of mine. Relishing in his scent and the feel of his arms around me, I let sleep claim me.