la douleur exquise: The exquisite pain of wanting the affection of someone you know you can never have. [wolfgang/kala]
It's raining again. That's the very first thing she notices. She can clearly smell the wet pavement being stained by heavy drops among the dust that the rain brings from another places. The view is the entire city of Berlin over the top of a building, with its blurred nightlights beneath them. It is also the first time Kala sees him in what looked like centuries.
"Can I stay?" She asks very unsure of an positive answer or an answer at all. 'Relax, Kala', someone says right behind her brain, on her blind spot. Was that Will? Probably. He's always the one who's keep trying to bring confidence out of her chest, like it was so bloody easy. 'I am calm', she responds almost too fast to be true.
"Sure." The german mumbles with a monotone voice after looking at her like she was some inconvenient stranger. That is definitely not a great sign, is it? Everyone knows he is not the type of guy who talks a lot, but he likes to do it with Kala. He feels comfortable around her and the words just come out simply. He pisses her off when he jokes or when he's being too serious about something stupid, then suddenly he is making her laugh with another silly comment about anything. She wasn't ready to give up on that.
"I always think of you when it rains."
"I know." He says looking away and Kala thinks he is too polite to complete with 'I'm inside your head and I know how you feel like most of the time, you silly'. She was being extra judgmental that day, but everything was not quite right. The rain was falling under their heads, but she couldn't feel it. Yet, Kala doesn't say that she knows he always thinks of her when the sun comes out after the storm.
"Can I really stay here?" It feels like she's not supposed to be there somehow, and his heavy sigh just confirms her suspicions.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know anymore." That is not cold enough. She wants to hear leave so she can do it without flinching. Instead, he searches for her left hand that was resting in the bench and touches it like it was somehow pure reality. She feels his touch. It is soft and warm, but at the same time it hurts somewhere else. Like a discreet note of what can never happen. Never. Everything makes sense now and like the rain, she's fading. They stay silent and the pain quickly spreads to all her body until she heard Will's voice again: 'Stay'.
But she's already gone.