I just lost my grandmother, so this really helped me write how Brennan would feel about losing Booth. I'm like Brennan, and I cried very little. I understand, like Brennan would, that no matter how much you cry, it never changes what happens. I was very close to my grandma, so that also helps. At first it hurts to think about how things used to be, but it gets better. This Tuesday, it's been a month.
Disclaimer: Not mine, but why do I have to disclaim it? It's not like I don't want it.
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Booth was dead. Of this, they was sure.
Hodgins was looking at his boss, probably the strongest woman he'd ever seen, lose her will to live. He couldn't believe Booth was dead either, but how she was taking it was just heartbreaking. She started to look like she had before she met Booth. Her eyes didn't have that sparkle and she looked like she was going to lose it and kill the poor doctor. She was collapsing on herself. She didn't have Booth to hold her together this time. Booth was gone. The only man that never left her. Hodgins knew that she was letting go. She didn't want to live without Booth. She had loved him just as much as he had loved her.
Angela was looking at her best friend. She was losing it. He was what she had lived for. She could deny it all she wanted, Booth was what her world revolved around. More than one time she had cancelled on Angela because she was with Booth and didn't want to leave. Brennan was going to do what she always did. She was going to not eat, not feel, and not think. She would spend all her time with her bones and put her brain on autopilot. She wasn't going to eat. Oh god, she was probably going to starve to death. She didn't want to feel. It hurt too much. She wasn't going to think because that hurt her heart. All the memories of pie and pigs and brainy smurfs would come back to her, and she wouldn't be able to stand it. Angela was going to try to save her, but there was no saving her now. The only person that ever could've saved her was gone.
Brennan couldn't believe it. She tried not to think about it, but it was so damn hard. Everywhere she went, her and Booth had done something special together. She was staying at a hotel, because she couldn't walk into her apartment without thinking of macaroni and cheese, Hot Blooded, blood stains, and guy hugs. She couldn't go to the Diner or Wong Foo's without seeing his face and warm brown eyes in her head. She wished she could have him back for one day. Tell him that she loved him. Maybe even kiss him. But she couldn't. She couldn't let him go, but she couldn't remember. He had taught her love. She couldn't ever forget that. But she couldn't remember those brown eyes and that charm smile, it just hurt to much. She wanted to feel his warm arms around her, telling her that everything was going to be okay. She wanted to bury her face in his chest and smell the scent that only belonged to him.
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She had gotten home. She had taken a shower. She was dressed in her pajamas, and she was curled up on the couch. She couldn't sleep, so she was just sitting there. She had called Booth's house, seven times already. She had to hear his voice. She was now decided. She had to spend the night at his house.
She was in her car, and she almost turned back. She felt stupid seeking comfort in something that reminded her of something she so desperately wanted to forget.
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She was now at Booth's house. She had decided that she was going to crawl into his bed.
She had his pillow and she was cuddling it. She had her arms wrapped around it like she would have liked to hug Booth. It was the closest thing she could and ever would get.
She felt stupid, but her heart was telling her that this was right.
"Sometimes, you've gotta take your brain and put it in neutral. Put your heart into overdrive."
She was going to listen to what he had told her not so long ago. She wasn't going to listen to her brain, she was going to listen to her heart. She snuggled into the pillow a little more. As she inhaled the scent of his shampoo, and more importantly, just him, she didn't know why she never told him she loved him. Now he was gone, and she would never get the chance.
During that night, she had several nightmares. She expected his hands to brush over her hair, and for him to comfort her in any way he knew how. Every time she would cling to his pillow, and then she had to remember that he wasn't there, and that he couldn't comfort her. That would make her remember how much she had loved him and how things used to be. Why did everyone she loved leave her? At least with him it wasn't intentional. She knew he'd never hurt her if it was in his power.
She was going to have to kill Andy Lister off in her books. Her inspiration was gone. She should've told him the truth. Andy was based off him. Not that he didn't already know. He teased her about it all the time.
She couldn't sleep. Now it was bothering her that she could smell him. She wanted to snuggle with the real Booth. She wanted him. Pillows weren't warm and pillows couldn't comfort you when you had nightmares. Pillows couldn't kiss you and tell you that they loved you.
Booth had loved her. She missed being loved so much. He had loved her more than anyone had ever loved her. Even more than her parents and Russ. He was gone.
He'd never hold her again. They'd never eat at the Diner after a hard case again. They'd never discuss a case over Thai food.
This harsh reality hit her hard. She loved doing these things because she loved being close to him. She had loved dancing with him in Aurora. She had wanted to put her head on his shoulder and let him lead, but that wasn't like her, and Booth would know that she loved him. Now she didn't understand what she had been worried about.
The Christmas kiss, that was amazing. Even though it wasn't from his heart, it was still something. She couldn't help but wonder if Booth had felt those sparks too. She wondered if he had loved her anything more than a partner. She loved him. She needed him. He was gone.
She snuggled closer to his pillow. This was second best, but it was all she was going to get. She could smell him, and that brought her comfort.
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Personally, at the end of that episode, I knew Booth wasn't dead. That would mean the show would end. My grandmother loved animals, and I'm proud to say we raised over $300 for the local animal shelter. I can see Brennan would do something like this for comfort when she couldn't have Booth.