But Never Again

by Xavier Ching

'I was once completed but never again.' A sidequel to 'Rose of Vengeance', told by Blaise Zabini.

45. But Never Again

This is a sidequel to No.41 Rose of Vengeance, told by Blaise Zabini.

I used to think that I was cool-headed. I used to believe that I lived up to logic. But damn that woman. She turned my world up-side-down.

If anyone asked me if I had any positive feelings for her back in Hogwarts, I'd have hexed him to Siberia right away. But now, I'd say to the world I loved her to death. I couldn't, though, because she's with him.

That insanity started when I worked with her in the Ministry. I thought I knew her. How wrong! Evidently, she was a dull bossy know-it-all. I simply did not know her enough. Time unveiled the entire her to me. Not only was she smart, she was also kind, helpful and even funny at times.

She was unique. Other witches tended to cling to me, flirt to me and show off their bodies. Of course, my goddess would never do such thing. She simply did not need any tactic to have a man.

What we did apart from work was pretty ordinary. We had lunch together and she'd laugh at my lame jokes. We visited bookstores. She'd smack my arm, shove a book about Quidditch at my face and cast me a radiant smile.

You may ask me why I fall for her. And you would comment my following answer as cliché. But that's pretty much the truth. Love was cliché. My answer was – love was not meant to be explained like an Arithmacy essay. Nauseated, huh? Bet you must be. You could never deny my answer was true.

I reckoned it may be a hallucination, my affection for her. After all, it was too fast to fall for someone within two weeks. It turned out that my instinct was right. I was so in love with her. It was too late when I realised it, though.

Draco Malfoy, my best mate, popped into our office one day. For heaven's sake, his arm was tightly wrapped around her. I could still recount that painful scene vividly.

'Um, guys, I just want to tell you that,' Draco smirked with proud, 'Hermione and I are together now.'

I could never forget Hermione's smile. It was very shy, but exceedingly ecstatic at the same time. The way she gazed at Draco was so – so fervent. She was indeed incredibly in love with him. She was almost luminous and I could vaguely see a halo on top of her.

She leaned in to kiss Draco full in the mouth.

Even now, my heart still sank a little at that very thought. I could not believe I could survive that moment. I could describe my feeling back then. I felt like my body was frozen in an ice lake. My heart, well, it was hit by a Killing Curse.

'Congrats,' I forced a pleasant tone.

And the couple pulled me into their hug.

'Thank you, Blaise,' Hermione smiled to me hugely, 'without you, I'd never have Draco.'

I could only tug my lips stiffly.

How I wish I was the one to announce that she's mine.

All I want was for her to be happy. Well, she was happy with Draco, wasn't she? Draco was a romantic bloke. He sent her roses, owled her love letters, picked her up after work etc. Good that Draco knew that Hermione deserved more than indulgence.

Every day, she told me her date with Draco with excessive vibrancy. And I looked at her and return her a feeble smile. She then gave me a hug, at which my heart usually skipped a beat. Draco was my best mate and Hermione was the one I love most. The two of them were happy, I would be happy.

That's what I attempted to talk myself into. Deep inside, I knew I was not. I'd go to Three Broomsticks, Leaky Cauldron and Hog's Head to meet people. I got laid by different girls almost every weekend, thinking it may help me get over her. But no. No one was half as good as her. I was still so in love with her. Perhaps I would be forever in love with her.

I had struggled if I should tell her. Luckily, I was sane enough to know that a confession may scare her.

Yes. One night sleeping by her side may be enough. You know what, no matter how close to deathbed I was, I still crawled to work. Why? Just to see her, even it may be merely a glimpse.

Things should be fine, you know. But something was wrong.

Hermione came to me a lot these days. Just last week, I had dinner with her five out of seven days. Her mum and Ginny filled that two.

'Is there anything wrong between you and Draco?' I asked her.

'No,' she shook her head, 'no.'

How could she possibly think that she could fool me? I could decipher from her eyes that she believed Draco may have walked out on her. She was scared. She was unhappy. She needed Draco. It killed me seeing her like that. Just today, her elf rights report was full of typo. Such thing was unprecedented. She was unwell. So I went with her to the Malfoy Manor.

'Let's go,' I said to her.

Uncertainty and fidgety glittered in her beautiful brown eyes. I wanted to give her a quick kiss to calm her. I demanded myself to wipe out such thought instantly.

We entered the Manor and strode into the spacious living room. And then we heard it – the moan of a man and two women.

Hermione was frozen on the spot. She cast me a bitter smile. Sorrow was all over her face. Her heart was beyond broken, so was mine. The truth was agonising and ruthless. She had got to face it, nonetheless. So I gently took her cold hand, and together, we were in front of Draco's bedroom door, the source of moans.

'Expulso,' she muttered tonelessly.

The door was blasted open.

Hermione and I were shocked, despite having anticipated the probable scene. Draco, Pansy and Astoria were naked, shagging. I dared not remove my eyes from Hermione. She could not take it, the truth. I was deadly worried that she may faint.

'I can't believe it, Draco,' she stated tonelessly, as softly as a whisper.

She could not even shed a single tear. She was too heartbroken. Damn that fucking cheater! She broke down. She almost fell if I did not catch her. Of course I wanted her in my embrace, but not because of her collapse please.

Her state was pathetic. She was very pale and cold. I could feel her quivering against my body. I offered to carry her in my arms, but she just shook her head feebly. I was so damn frustrated. I said I loved her and wanted her to be happy. But I could not do anything to mend her broken heart. 'Fuck yourself, Blaise Zabini!' I cursed myself. She was really quiet all the way we walked to the main gate of Malfoy Manor. She did not utter a word. She was expressionless.

I was really afraid. I had never seen Hermione like that. I swore to myself I would make Draco Malfoy pay for it. Hermione should not only be loved, but also worshipped. How dare that scum! Nevertheless, Hermione was the most important. I must settle her first.

'Can I stay with you, Blaise?' Hermione looked at me pleadingly, 'please?'

I almost melted at her gaze. My heart sank because her helpless tone. How could I reject her? Besides, I would never reject her requests.

'Sure, 'Mione,' I replied tenderly.

'Thank you, Blaise,' she tried to force a smile but failed.

I could not help but sigh.

I Apparated us to her place to gather her stuff, before moving to my place.

I hurried to prepare her water to bath.

'Take a shower first,' I said to her.

I took a real short shower, in case she wanted me.

A long hot bath did not do her good. She still looked so broken, hopeless and expressionless. She sat down next to me on the sofa.

'I know I shouldn't ask this silly question,' she murmured tonelessly, 'but why does he do that? Am I not good?'

She turned to look at me with her poor puppy eyes.

'Hermione, you're too good to be true,' I replied genuinely, 'you're kind, wise, helpful, compassionate, beautiful…'

She let out a dry chuckle, 'if it's that so, he would not…'

'No, Hermione,' I interjected, 'that motherfucker doesn't deserve you.'

'How ironical,' Hermione chortled with self-despise, 'but I love him, even now. I still love him so much, no matter how much I hate him.'

Sadness and fury fought for domination in my body. On one hand, I felt so sorry for Hermione. On the other hand, I was more than angry with Draco.

'Tomorrow,' I blurted out with suppressed rage, 'tomorrow I'll finish his sinful life.'

Hermione frowned, 'no, Blaise. Killing curses your life.'

I was kind of happy because she cared about me even at such critical moment. I meant something to her.

'That doesn't matter,' I smiled, 'I must make him pay for what he's done to the woman I love.'

'You lo-love me?' she faltered with widened brown eyes.

Thanks Merlin. She still had a spoonful of emotion.

'Yes, I love you,' I affirmed her, 'so much, to death.'

'I –' she obviously could not react to the sudden confession.

I was kind of relieved to blurt out the long suppressed truth. But I knew the answer. And I must conceal disappointment. I could not bother her further. I should be her shoulder to lean on, even I was not the one she loved. I knew very well what love actually was. I considered it my obligation to keep her well, at all costs.

'That's alright, 'Mione,' I consoled her, successfully sealing all the disappointment in my weary heart, 'that's really fine.' I smiled to her to the best of my ability.

'Sorry, Blaise,' she apologised whilst pulling me into her embrace, 'I dunno I'll be the one to break your heart. I'm so sorry…'

'Forget it, 'Mione,' I soothed, 'at least you now know I'm forever at your service.'

'Thank you,' she said, and she pecked on my cheek.

I really could not stifle a blissful beam. It was better than I predicted, the outcome, I mean, at least she did not run away from me and accepted the fact that I loved her. What was more, she gave me a kiss, Merlin! Hold on. Hermione was still unwell. Right. I must help her.

'Is there anything I can do for you?' I asked.

She gazed at me for a moment or two. 'You're too kind, Blaise,' she smiled bitterly, 'is there anything I can do for you?'

'Yes,' I replied promptly, 'tell me whatever you want me to do. Let me know your feeling. Just count on me.'

Good. I felt like a man eventually. Perhaps one day I would deserve her.

Slowly, Hermione rested her head on my shoulder. I tentatively wrapped arm across her shoulder. She did not push me away, fortunately. We did not talk. We did not sleep, either.

I spent the night contemplating all the plans to get back at Draco. The best one was still killing him. Why could he betray her? Why? Did he not know that he had the best girl in the universe? Bastard. Could he not care about her? She was awake all night. She could not sleep, thanks to him! The moment he walked out on her, he should've known that his deeds were not to be forgiven. It would be my mission to take revenge on him for her, no matter what.

The sun rose from the horizon, laminating my cold flat. Hermione was still staring at the mantelpiece. Her eyes were full of bloodshot. She had not eaten anything for a long time. She looked totally scorched and numb. I could not tell you how anxious I was.

'Hermione,' I called, 'fancy a sandwich?'

She shook her head.

'Go to bed then?'

She shook her head again.

'Talk?'

She shook her head the third time.

You see, it was just natural that I was nerve-racked and sad for her.

'You said you'd do "counting on me" for me,' I stated firmly.

'Blaise, do you know how agonising it is?' she said tonelessly, 'I feel like I'm a zombie. My heart is sometimes burning, sometimes frozen. I know perfectly I still love him, to death. But I, too, hate him to death. I can't understand my feelings, not to mention master them.'

The woman I love sat next to me, saying passionate things in an excessively toneless tone. Could someone please tell me that her heart could be repaired? Could someone please stop using her to torment me?

'Please let me kill him,' my voice shook with immense venom.

'No,' Hermione replied curtly, 'he won't be treated that leniently. I'm still thinking. I'll let you know.'

'Very well.'

She rose and headed to the fridge.

I was kind of relieved that she started to act normally. Hopefully time would truly heal her.

'Toast with pumpkin jam?' she suggested lightly.

'I'll help you,' I smiled.

'That's ok,' she shrugged, 'you get changed for work.'

'Actually, Hermione, I plan to take a day off,' I informed.

'I'll be fine,' she assured me with a faint smile, 'I'll never do silly thing. I promise you'll see a complete me when you're back.'

'Alright.'

It seemed that she was fine, to my relief. Her well-being was the utmost priority for me. She's good, I'm good.

Two days passed. Hermione seemed alright. And I was grateful to that fact. But I had not forgotten Draco, nor my loathe for him.

Hermione told me all about her plan this morning, I'd be a vital part in her plan. I was glad that she trusted me that much. And of course, I was exceedingly thrilled about the upcoming vengeance.

Hermione predicted that Draco would be here tonight at eight. So she asked me to do her a favour – wait for Draco and convey him her message.

So I was waiting for my former best friend, also my current arch-enemy. I was really excited. I could finally release some of my fury and pleasure myself from provoking him.

Draco arrived. With a snap of my finger, the door flicked open. Doubtlessly, he would enter it and come to the living room.

'Blaise, I need to talk to Hermione,' Draco pleaded, 'please.'

I did not utter a word. I just caressed my wand and smirked. Jerk. Did he really think that it's going to be so easy? Besides, he really did not know shame, did he?

'I can't believe it, Draco. You can be cheeky enough to ask to see her,' I smirked with despise.

'Blaise, please,' Draco almost beseeched.

His foolish look dug out my buried anger. It was meaningless to beg me. Plus, begging could not heal one's heart. If one 'please' could move me, I must be insane. This matter concerned Hermione Granger, my goddess, my goddess!

'You broke her heart!' I stormed, eventually looking at my once best bro, 'she's living like dying. And you ask to speak to her?'

By that point, I shut my eyes. I hated to see his silhouette. I hated how he abused her love for him. I hated everything about that man. I could visualise how my grip tightened around my wand. My knuckles whitened with excessively forceful grip of wand. I was more than furious. I kept swallowing, but anger would not go away.

'I need to talk to her, Blaise,' Draco stated firmly. I could observe the burning conviction in his stormy grey orbs.

'If Hermione did not ask me not to harm you, you would've died long before this moment,' I spat coldly.

Indeed, he would've died the morning after we witnessed his infidelity. Fuck him! He was the last person on Earth that possessed the right to be unfaithful. He already had the love of the best woman. What could he ask for more? I'd give up my life in return for her affection.

'Blaise, don't take her away from me,' Draco knelt down in front of me.

How funny. He was the bastard that pushed her away, wasn't he? Besides, her heart was not with me. Could somebody tell me who discarded her heart?

'You throw her away, Draco,' I remarked with sarcasm; after all, that was ridiculous, 'I am the one that try to pick up her pieces.'

Try, try only. I could merely try to pick up the pieces. But fixing it? No, for sure. No one had such gift, not even herself. That son of the bitch must pay for his deeds.

'I – have – to – see – my – Hermione,' Draco stated with suppressed rage.

'She's not yours anymore,' I corrected him victoriously, 'you fucking cheater.'

Just as I expected, he wanted to punch me. I chuckled. I wanted him to hit me, so that I would be justified to fight back. But he did not. It must be the influence of Hermione. She calmed his relentless soul. Yet what did he do to hers in return?! Anyway, I had a task.

'Hermione has a message for you though,' I beamed precariously, not even attempting to hide my excitement, 'she wants to see you at her place the day after tomorrow, at nine. Dress decently.'

'What are you up to?' Draco queered.

'This is a message from Hermione, I swear,' I assured.

Draco walked to the door, so I said to him, 'see you then, Draco.'

He stepped deadly in a split second. He detected my thrill. He was disturbed. He was anxious. And he would struggle whether to attend the meeting or not. Merlin. I loved teasing him. I loved how he was tormented by the uncertainty ahead of him.

'Are you sure you want to do that?' I asked Hermione. It was not a game. It could not be reversed.

'Yes,' she replied firmly, 'and thanks for your generous assistance.'

I gazed at Hermione. She looked alright but in fact she was not. I could actually mourn for her death. From the moment in Malfoy Manor, Hermione Granger had died. I could not describe my feeling properly. I knew how precious my reward would be. I should be over the moon. But no! I wanted to yell. I wanted to cry. I wanted stab myself. Please. Someone please help me.

That was it. The big moment had arrived. Spotlight was ready. All the main actors were present.

Let the show begin.

Sitting in Hermione's study, I opened the door for Draco. Hermione was waiting for him in her bedroom. She said she wanted to confront him alone before I joined her. So I sat in her study, waiting for her summon.

The night was exceptionally peaceful, contrary to my heart. It was tempestuous and full of unease. I should be like that.

How useless I was! I could not do anything to pull her away from curse. On the contrary, I indirectly pushed her to the point of no return.

Rose of Vengeance was certainly not something to joke with. That vengeful charm cost one's soul, just like the Killing Curse. Once the charm was cast, the user's soul was cursed and torn.

Hermione's plot was wonderful. It was deadly hurtful. Merlin knew how tormented Draco would be. Of course, that way of vengeance was far more destructive than my suggestion of killing Draco.

It hurt, you know? I was left in despair by Hermione. There were many milder ways to bind her life and Draco's life together, such as the Unbreakable Vow. But the rigid witch said that Rose of Vengeance Curse would be the best (in other words, most hurtful) solution.

She loved him so much to hate him just as much. My love for her seemed so tiny comparing with her love for Draco. She really would do anything, even tearing her soul apart.

No curse could ease my guilt. I must be shameless to claim that I loved her. I should be accountable for the destruction of Hermione Granger. I should've threatened her with my life and begged her not to execute her plan. It's my fault. I should've tried harder.

I sobbed. I mourned for Hermione's mishap of having such an ineligible suitor.

No. I could bring her a moment of pleasure. I could. And I could help her get back at that cheater.

Brace yourself, Blaise Zabini. Think of the upside of the plan.

Right, I got to feel her, to touch her, to make love to her.

My face was lit by a hopeful smirk.

That cheater may fuck himself. If he really loved her, what he was going to witness would kill him. He should learn from me the art of worshipping my goddess. That should teach him a valuable lesson.

Despite the heaviness in my heart, I really could not deny that I looked forward to joining her revenge.

I knew I was so damn selfish. My conscience was sending me severe warnings. But the desire of having Hermione for a brief moment was too concentrated. It overwhelmed my sanity and humanity. Why not make the best of it then? Give her a bit of pleasure. Feel how she melt ito my body. Remember the most invaluable moment of my unworthy life.

She snapped her finger.

I immediately Apparated to her bedroom door.

I smirked. It's my show time.

Draco's grey eyes glared at my black ones. Did he reckon that he could scare me off? I would do anything to get back at him for causing Hermione's misery.

'Blaise,' Draco snapped with disgust.

'Good evening, Draco,' I smirked courteously. He was not the only disgusted person in the room. I was disgusted to see a cheater as well. But Hermione demanded courtesy, so I would be a gentleman to him.

I strode towards Hermione.

Since I was a lot taller than her, I lowered my upper body and gently lifted her up a bit by her waist. Merlin! Her scent sent me over the moon! I was overwhelmed by thrill and scare. I doubted if Hermione felt my arms around her tremble. It was now or never. I plucked up the courage to close the gap between us.

Gosh! We simply clicked. I started out slow and gentle, because I did not know if Hermione could accept something choking at the very beginning. But then she reacted to my kiss. I therefore decided to take it further. I really did not know whether I would have such a precious opportunity in the future. I must grasp it.

I licked her lower lip and desperately pleaded for entrance. She let me in. I smirked at my success. Her tongue teased mine a bit. Merlin, my goddess was really an inborn seductress. I could feel her press on my chest. I held her closer to me. I did not want things to stop there. I wanted to show her how my desire for her burnt ardently in me. I wanted to ravish her right now, right here.

My hand, originally rested on her waist travelled down to her hips and it did not stop. It went lower to her thigh and she moaned and –

'Not so quick, Blaise,' Hermione reminded whilst she pushed me away by my chest. Her eyes told me that she wanted it to happen and I was pleased that I pleased her.

I heard Draco shout 'What the fucking hell is going on!' with immense fear. I did not blame him. It should be tormenting to see his lover making out with another man, his once best friend, in particular. He deserved it though, so I did not have any sympathy for that prick. Victory would be mine, so was Hermione's pleasure.

'Given that you don't fully comprehend the feeling of being cheated on,' Hermione explained with a vengeful tone, 'Blaise and I will help you.' She threw a luscious glance at me before a smirk spread on her face.

She was excited, and I, too, doubtlessly.

'Don't. Don't!' Draco shouted, 'you don't want him, Hermione! There's only one man you genuinely want to make love with and that is me!'

'Be quiet, Draco,' I prompted sleekly. School kids knew how crucial silence was when learning. Plus, what he would be learning was the art of pleasing the one and only goddess.

Hermione whispered at Draco's ear.

The best part began. I would bare myself to Hermione, heart and soul.

She threw herself to me and I gladly embraced her. We were closely wrapped. I wanted to memorise the contour of her flawless torso. I wanted to remember the feeling of her busts press against me.

Time was limited. I immediately snogged her senseless. Hermione's arms were around my neck. I wished she would not let me go. I wished she would tie me with her. I subconsciously caressed her back. Her skin was softer than the red silk dress she wore. She was too beautiful to be held in my embrace. She was too good to be true.

I hungrily licked her lip. I had to make use of all my body parts to feel her. Her tongue seduced mine, although I did not need any more seduction to be aroused. Her tongue entered my mouth. What an honour! I moaned with her tease. But no. she should be the one to be pleasured. I fought for dominance and she gave in. My tongue caressed hers and my hands stroked her thigh. Hermione instantly melted into me and moaned.

I pulled away for a bit of oxygen and she asked for a pause.

'Making out with Blaise is certainly fun,' Hermione panted.

The compliment was more than flattering. Plus, she realised my dream.

'But if you, Draco, watch as an audience, it'll be even better,' she pressed on. Hermione then placed an enchantment to keep him watching. 'Much better,' Hermione smiled.

She continued with our little snogging session for a minute or so. She finally wanted more than snogging. She pushed me onto her bed roughly and stripped off my clothes. I waited for the moment for ages. I wanted her to make me hers. I loved how she coarsely claimed me.

I enjoyed every moment her hands roam around my body. It told me how much she desired me. And I really could not ask for more than that in my life. Her wanting me would be enough.

I heard Draco should 'stop it' in grave despair, seeing that my clothes scattered on the floor. His desperation was totally caused by himself. The day he decided to betray Hermione, he should be prepared to pay for it – he'd lose her.

I cast Draco a victorious grin, telling him how ecstatic and honouring it was for me to be made hers in front of him. I simply loved to provoke that loser.

He bellowed 'stop it' again and Hermione removed herself from on top of me.

Draco was so naive that he muttered 'thanks Merlin'. Did he even understand her? She was just asking me to swop position!

She lay down beside me, and I immediately towered over her. Her approving smirk implied that I did the right thing. Draco groaned with anger. Stupid. I was teaching him a lesson only. He should thank me.

Making use of the dominant position, I kept snogging Hermione until she pulled away for air. Perhaps I was trying too hard. I did not want to suffocate her with excessive love, actually. I resolved to kiss her at other places, say, her neck.

As soon as my tongue landed on her neck, a breathy 'ah' escaped from her. Oh, I loved kissing her neck as much as her lips. I gently bite her neck and left love marks on her. She moaned and I was immensely turned on.

My hands were gifted in making women moan. Of course, I would not idle them. I stroked her breasts gently. I knew Hermione enjoyed that as much as I, since she began to squirm and whine.

It's time.

I unzipped her dress.

Oh my goodness. She looked so damn hot in lingerie, much hotter than in my fantasy.

'Do you know I love you, 'Mione?' I asked, whilst trailing kisses all over her torso.

It was essential to ask that question. She had to know that I was never after her body. I truly loved her, and I would sacrifice everything for her sake.

'I know,' she puffed her reply, to my relief.

'I love you so much,' I said, looking into her eyes to make sure that she really understood my affection for her.

'That's why I let you touch me, kiss me,' she responded breathlessly, 'and even fuck me.'

I smiled my gratitude for her trust in me.

Yes, I knew she would not love me the way she loved that cheater. Yes, I knew she would not be with me. And yes, I knew she was using me against Draco.

But I could not mind that. I would not mind that. As long as she asked for me, but not others. At least I was significant enough to be used. At least I could be hers once in my life.

I unclasped her bra and her breasts were revealed. My hands were at once attracted to them. I automatically began to caress her breasts once again. And I could not tear my lips off her bosom.

'Blaise–' she moaned my name.

''Mione, you never know how much I want to make love to you. I love you–'

'If you love her, Blaise, don't fuck her. She's using you to destroy herself,' Draco shouted urgently.

'She is using me, but not to destroy herself. She uses me to get back at you, cheater! I'll do everything she asks me to,' I thought angrily.

'Ignore him, Blaise,' Hermione pecked on my lips, 'fuck me, now.'

I returned her kiss and replied, 'I'll do anything you want.'

I could not resist her demand. Her demand had always been my wildest dream.

Hermione snogged me demandingly. By that point, I was incredibly aroused. I reckoned I should turn her on more. My hands went to her inner thighs. Hermione started to wriggle and moan. Every moan sounded like chimes to me. The woman I loved moaned for me. Her angelic face looked so bittersweet.

She discarded my boxer. I removed her knickers.

I vaguely heard Draco yell. I was too focused on Hermione.

I penetrated Hermione.

Oh my fuck God.

It felt so surreal.

Eventually, I was completed. Hermione was the sole person that could fill me. I felt fullness. Everything fitted.

With every thrust, I wanted to show her all my love and let her feel the completeness she brought me.

Together, we found the rhythm and tension built in our bodies. Soon, we reached climax together and cried each other's names.

I chastely kissed on her lips, 'I love you, 'Mione.'

She thanked me and cast me an angelic smile before talking to Draco.

I knew she had always loved Draco. I knew she still loved Draco. I knew I would not be with her. I knew nothing would change after tonight.

I felt worse than ever.

I was once hers but not again.

I once enjoyed flawlessness but not again.

I was once completed but never again.