It had been two years since I said good bye to Jeff at the airport. Two years since I had to watch my best friend walk out of my life. It has also been two years since I have been able to hold a decent conversation with him. All my phones calls were ignored; and any messages that I could send to him seemed to go unanswered. More than anything I wanted to know that he was doing alright. I wanted to know that he was healing and mending from the heart ache that I had caused him.

It had taken me three months to get any news out of his brother and only confident. Three months to find out that Jeff was not sure if he would ever be back again. My heart broke that night and it hasn't stopped breaking since. I try to live day by day without falling apart. I try to remember that I have a beautiful baby girl who needs me by her side to be her comfort and security. Even though most of my day is taken up when the lights go out I still find myself thinking of Jeff.

When he left I realized that I did love him and I know that I always will. The problem was and still is that I cannot love him the way that he needs and deserves to be loved. I had tried for months upon months to love Jeff as hard and passionate as he did me. Something seemed to always stand in the way; well maybe not something as much as someone. I know now that I should have let Jeff go sooner. Maybe if I had been honest with all of my feelings back then I could have saved a lot of people stress and heart ache. But hindsight is always perfect vision. How could anyone honestly always do the right thing at exactly the right moment? The truth was that I screwed up handling the feelings that I had between Dwayne and Jeff. I refused to admit what was real and true to save certain people pain. But by doing all of that I had thrown everyone I love into a whirlwind of pain and chaos.

"It's been months since we talked Kayla. You just walked away, why did you do that?" I heard Dwayne's voice in my head; Replaying the first conversation that we had after I left him at the airport.

"I had to Dwayne."

"You had to? I ask you to marry me and you walk away because you had to?" The anger and disbelief in his voice was evident enough. "Kayla I think that I deserve a bit more of an explanation than that. You have avoided me, my phone calls, letters, and messages for months. The least that you can do is explain why, the least you can do is that."

He was right I knew it the moment he said it. Dwayne was nothing but amazing to me the entire time that we knew each other. And I had walked away without so much as a word; then kept him running around for months trying to figure out a way to get me to talk to him.

"I was so angry Rocky. I was angry at you, me, at Jeff. I was angry that all of this happened, that I wasn't strong enough and smart enough to just admit to myself what I knew was true. Then you come out and propose. It was as if you didn't care that I just watched my friend walk out of my life."

"No Kayla it wasn't like that. If you had given me the chance to explain I could've told you that."

"I know I should've and I'm sorry that I didn't."

"So does this mean that maybe you'll be willing to- "

"Dwayne please don't do this." I had interrupted him. I knew exactly what he was going to do. He would ask me if we could become a couple again and put these last few horrible months behind us. But I didn't want to. I still wanted to cling to the hope that Jeff would be back. That he would look at me and tell me that the two of us were fine with each other. I knew that if I ran straight back to Dwayne then none of that could happen.

"Don't do what?"

"I just need time to be alone. I have Geannie now and she takes up a lot of time and energy. I really think what's best for me is to be with her right now."

Music hit in the background and I was pulled out of my reverie. Why was the Hardy's music going on now? Matt didn't have anything scheduled for RAW tonight.

Walking over to a t.v. so I could see what was going on the one thing that I was not prepared to see or hear was these two words. Jeff Hardy.

How can it be that no one tells me that he's coming back? I spend all my free time with no one but him on my mind. I had kept Dwayne at a safe distance all this time just to prove to Jeff that he was important to me and that I would sacrifice whatever I needed to repair our relationship.

"I know that it's a bit of a shock," a voice said behind me walking closer till he finally lays a hand on my shoulder.

"Matt why didn't you tell me that he was back?" Tears poured down my face no matter how hard I tried to stop them. "I'm sorry you probably think I'm crazy. I just didn't think that seeing him would hit me this hard."\

"You are the only one then. I didn't tell you because we all have jobs to do and if we just give up on that because of someone or something we lose sight of all that we worked so hard to achieve. I knew that you would lose sight of what you're working for."

"Do you think that he would?"

"Kay I hate to tell you but he's asked me to tell you not to see him." Matt finished my thought.

"Matt it's been two years though. Look at him he's just as good as ever." I said watching the monitor. It was true. No matter how long Jeff's absence was he captivated and motivated the fans just as much as ever. "I've missed him."

"And he's missed you Kayla. But he just isn't ready to see you, at least not tonight."

I nodded my head and walked back to my dressing room. I had a match in a few minutes and I knew that I couldn't break down. But I found it so hard to keep myself together. I had convinced myself such a long time ago that I finally let him go. I was even trying to get back to the point where Dwayne and I could be a couple again. Now here I sat wanting to cry and breakdown over simply seeing him.

My five minute warning came around and I cut off all thoughts of Jeff. If I had was going to be able to do my job and wow the crowd then I knew I would have to forget about the turmoil that I was in.

Although I went through my match with as much intensity as ever I was in a sheer daze. There is nothing about that night after seeing Jeff that I honestly remember.

Geannie was spending a few days with Shane at home to get a break from the road. This was the first time that I found myself thankful that there was no little smile, hug and laugh waiting for me at the end of the night. I wanted to stay in quiet and try with all my might to get a handle on these feelings that I had.

I made it to the hotel room without crying, running out on everyone who was expecting me to stick around for a bit. Once I was in my room I tried to sit down on the bed and think through some of the emotions that had crashed over me. My legs would not let me sit though, they wouldn't let me be still. I don't know how many times I sat down and stood back up. I paced the floor till I swore there was a groove starting to form in the carpet. No matter how hard I tried to control myself there was nothing I could do to calm my body down. There was a tidal wave of emotion that crushed me and caught me in its current. How could Jeff be back? Why wouldn't he want to talk to me? He is here somewhere; he was so close to me all night long without once deciding to see me. What began to bother and tug at me even more than Jeff's surprise return was why I had fallen apart the way that I did. I was more than glad to have him back. So why had I begun to cry and feel the need to run into his arms? Every sensible part of me knew that I didn't honestly love Jeff in the way that I wanted to convince myself. Why did I want to convince myself of that? My guilt over what I had done to Jeff was more than overwhelming on most days but I knew it wasn't why I was this way.

I began to believe that if I could just see and talk to Jeff just once then everything would be put to rest. Whether or not we would be friends was something that was irrelevant to me. Of course I wanted the friendship with him back; but more than that I wanted closure. I wanted a resolution to the horrible mess that I had created. If I had to throw myself at his feet and beg for days for his forgiveness I was ready to do that.

I grabbed my phone knowing what would happen, but knowing that I needed to do this no matter how bad the outcome.

"Hello," a voice said quietly and full of angst.

"Hi Jeff," I said hoping that he wouldn't hang up the phone. "Matt told me that you didn't really want to talk to me or see me."

"So then what are you doing calling me?"

"Actually I'm rather surprised that you picked up the phone." I heard Jeff sigh on the other end. "I'm sorry that I called and bothered you really I am. I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad your back. I am really, really glad to see you wrestling again."

There were a few moments of silence. I fought against myself to not say anything that I knew would be pointless and barely true. I had a habit of saying things out of nervousness that back fire on me too often.

"Thank you Kayla." He said finally. "I know that it was a big shock for you. Thanks for saying you wanted me back here."

"I can't believe you'd doubt that." I paused knowing that I was beginning to say something that would only hurt and upset Jeff no matter how I meant it. "I'll let you go then. I just wanted to tell you that I'm happy you're back."

I moved to hang up the phone and heard Jeff's voice. "Wait Kayla." He said in a rush. "Maybe we can get some lunch tomorrow. I'd like to see you and talk to you."

A rush of breath came out of me as relief washed over me. "I would love that Jeff really love that."

"Ok so then I'll see you tomorrow, say about noon?"

"That sounds great," I smiled knowing that I would see him again. "I'll see you tomorrow Jeff Hardy."