A/N: Hey all! Friends Like These 2: A Sex n' Stuff Holiday was written for the Smut Challenge Group's (on Facebook) 2014 X-mas Challenge. And as the title implies this is a sequel to Friends Like These. While you don't necessarily have to read the first one to get the gist of this one, I will make references to the original, so I hope you'll check it out.

Anyways… my chosen pairing is, what else, JJ/Hotch. And it will be smutty. My assigned X-mas items are: candy canes, sleigh bells, and a rabbit (yes, a vibrator, lol).

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

Chapter 1:

The sound of crinkling wrapping paper wasn't a welcoming one. Not this Christmas. At least not at this particular moment, a few days away from the actual day.

Hotch let the wrapping paper fall to the floor, his eyes following it.

To be fair, his sense of discomfort wasn't the festive paper's fault. Still, he couldn't help staring at it accusingly. It was that, or stare at what he'd uncovered. And he so didn't want to do that.

"Oh my…" A delighted giggle followed, catching his attention. He made the mistake of glancing over at what had pleased his girlfriend so.

Big mistake. JJ was holding a medium-sized box with the word 'Rabbit' emblazoned in big bold letters.

No. He did not want to know. Hotch looked away quickly before he got an idea of what a 'Rabbit' was for exactly.

"This is completely inappropriate," he grumbled.

JJ let out an exasperated sounding sigh. "Oh, I don't know. I think this could be a lot of fun. Did you even look at what you unwrapped?"

"No! Why would I?" She shot him an obvious look which he ignored. "Besides, it's from Dave. I only have to use my imagination to know that I don't want to know."

She gave him a wry smile. "I don't think that makes any sense."

He waved a hand in the air dismissing the little detail. "All I know is, I don't want to know… Who thought it would be a good idea to do a not-very-secret Secret Santa where the gifts all had to come from Garcia and Rossi's favorite store, anyways?"

"You mean Sex n' Stuff?" JJ teased, causing him to wince. "Oh, you're blushing! You can be so cute sometimes, Aaron!" Hotch wasn't sure he appreciated her patronizing tone. "Besides, it's not like you've been there—oh wait! That's right, you have."

She giggled some more, clearly enjoying herself at his expense. "That was… I was dragged there, remember?"

"Oh, I remember. I also remember the both of us enjoying our parting gifts quite a bit."

JJ had him there. If he closed his eyes, he could recount in vivid detail the piece of edible lingerie Garcia had gifted her. Red velvet flavor, consequently, now his favorite dessert. His gift from Rossi was a box of fluorescent-colored condoms that, it turned out, glowed in the dark. A neat little feature, if he said so himself.

"Regardless of whether I did or did not enjoy the products from Sex n' Stuff—"

"That better be a 'did,'" she said sternly, cutting him off.

"Ok, ok, did enjoy them. Regardless of that, Cruz will have my head when he realized I sanctioned a sex-shop Secret Santa."

JJ shrugged her shoulders. "No, he won't," she said innocently enough, except she wouldn't meet his eyes as she said it.

Alarm bells rang in his head, along with a big 'Uh oh!'

"What do you mean, he won't?" he asked ever so carefully. "JJ… how do you know?"

"Uh…" she continued; she began to fiddle with the packaging of the Rabbit, whatever that was, still not meeting his gaze. "I… may or may not have invited him to participate."

"What?" His eyes bugged out of his head.

"What? We had an uneven number of participants," she said by way of explanation. "I think he pulled Penelope's name out of the hat… He was asking me all these questions about her. I think he was trying to get a feel for what Pen likes in—"

"Nah uh!" he cut her off quickly. He in no way wanted to know what his technical analyst's sexual preferences were. There was such a thing as boundaries. And his team was quickly forgetting that. "It is way past time for another sexual harassment seminar. When was the last one? Whatever. We need to schedule one ASAP."

"Aaron!" JJ protested, scandalized—she was the one who was scandalized? How the heck was he supposed to look Cruz in the face knowing he bought Garcia a sex toy? "This isn't sexual harassment!"

"Close enough!"

JJ huffed out her irritation. "Fine. You know what, the boys are at Jessica's for the night and I, for one, fully intend on using this night to enjoy my present. Join me or not, it's up to you!"

Whoops! Hotch lamented. Maybe he'd protested a tad too much, he thought as he watched his girlfriend's retreating back. After all, if Cruz was ok with it then who was he to judge?

He let out a sigh. So he was a little skittish about unconventional sex practices, so sue him. Hailey hadn't exactly been into experimenting—missionary was the standard back in the old Hotchner household.

And he'd barely seen Beth enough to even dream of trying something new—anyways, he'd been so in love with JJ at the time, he didn't think he would have wanted to even if it had come up.

So, yeah, he didn't have much experience with thinking outside of the box.

Speaking of boxes… He was still holding Rossi's present and had yet to see what it was.

Oh just get it over with. It can't be that bad. And then you can join your girlfriend. JJ's right; with the kids away we can enjoy some prime, uninhibited time together.

Fine, he agreed with himself. But if Dave bought me the penis enlarger, I'll kill him.

He wouldn't… On second thought… Permission granted, just in case.

Shaking himself out of his split-personality conversation—totally Dave and Penelope's fault. They'd broken him—he looked down into his lap at what Dave had purchased for him this time around. He let out a sigh of relief. Another box of condoms. This time flavored. A variety box; he noted that one was red velvet flavored.

Hotch was more than relieved to not see the enhancer, but at the same time… Another box of condoms? Was he that much of a stick-in-the-mud that his mischievous best friend, with the unholy imagination, couldn't think of anything else to buy him from a store with a plethora of ideas?

Pushing that thought aside, he—unwisely—ripped open the envelope to read the card inside. A cute little penguin in a Santa hat wished him a Merry Christmas. So wrong. Inside, the note read:

Hotch!

Enjoy, you old stick-in-the-mud, you!

Dave.

"Gah!" he yelped at the psychic message, dropping the card to the floor.

Get a hold of yourself, man; you, my friend, have had way too much wine tonight.

My friend? Aren't you me?

Yeah… So?

So, how can you be my friend? Hotch demanded to know.

Would you rather I was your enemy?

No…

Ok, so stop arguing with yourself. Put one of those on and go sex up your girlfriend!

Are you sure you're not Dave?

Sheesh, now you're starting to sound crazy. Do I have to say it again? Stop talking to the imaginary voice in your head and get a move on. Hear that, JJ's about ready for you.

Come to think of it, in the time he'd taken to go psycho, he'd begun to hear some progressively louder noises coming from the back of their apartment.

The voice that sounded suspiciously like his best friend—he knew a deflective answer when he heard one—was right. He needed to get his butt in gear. And fast.

This wasn't a regular, candy-cane, sleigh bells type of holiday. Not this year. Nope, it was going to be a full on, Sex n' Stuff Christmas.

I hope you enjoyed this first chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Lol. I'll try to have the actual smut part up by tonight.

Let me know what you think! (A review or two for Christmas, please :) ).

Merry Christmas everyone!

The 2014 PROFILER'S CHOICE CRIMINAL MINDS FANFIC AWARDS are back! Calling all CM readers and authors! Join us in celebrating the best of the best CM stories for the annual Profiler's Choice CM Awards! Help us and let your voices be heard. Please check out the nomination ballot and rules at theProfilerChoiceAwards2014 Forum (Direct Link also in my profile). All rules and information are on the forum. Nominations begin November 15 and are due December 31st. Good Luck! As an added bonus: We encourage all nominations (rules permitted). We accept ballots starting at two nominations, however, all ballots with five or more nominations will be entered into a drawing for one of three Amazon gift cards. Nominations run until 11:59EST on December 31, 2014. The final ballot will be published in early January 2015.