Coming out wasn't really difficult for me. I mean, coming out to my friends and stuff anyway. Coming out to myself was actually the weird part. It's kind of hard to explain, but I'll try.

I remember the exact moment it hit me. I remember because it landed me in detention. No, really, I said "Aw fuck." out loud right in the middle of class. I mean, not loud, like yelling, but loud enough that the teacher and like 3 people around me heard me say it. I've never seen Nishinoya laugh so hard. I thought he was actually going to pass out, trying to keep quiet.

It was last period study hall. Noya sat next to me, Hideki Sosuke sat behind me. Sosuke usually left before me. Sosuke was the type of dude to slide by doing the bare minimum. He was the type of dude to sit next to you for four classes in a row and still not remember your name. He was tall and quiet and well... Hideki Sosuke was a babe.

As soon as that bell rang, he was out of there. I liked to get out of class to get to volleyball practice too, but Sosuke was fast- and I. Well. I enjoyed watching him leave.

Noya must have picked up on this somehow, because one day, I look over and Noya's staring straight at me, smirking and shaking his head. The little jerk was making fun of me.

I looked around innocently. "What?" I gestured. I really wasn't trying to be a creep. I just couldn't help it.

This kind of little non-verbal thing happened between me and Noya like every day for a week. Every time Sosuke walked by I'd catch myself and Noya would sigh or roll his eyes, or shake his head. I turned bright red every time. Eventually it got to the point where I was low-key racing Sosuke out of the classroom.

Of course I never said a word to him. What as I supposed to say? "Excuse me, but could I leave before you from now on? Your ass in those uniform pants is giving me unclean thoughts."!?

One of these days we're just gonna smash into eachother running for the door at the same time. I thought to myself as I got distracted and let Sosuke leave before me, Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. It occurred to me as I began to imagine a scenario in which I accidently trip him, but then catch him before he falls like some smooth fucker.

Suddenly, there was Noya, shaking his head and sighing at me. That's when it finally clicked. I looked at Noya and back at Sosuke.

"Aw fuck." I clenched my fists and thought to myself. I am such a homo! Sosuke must have heard me because he stopped briefly and made a what-the-hell face.

I was genuinely pissed off. My first reaction to being gay was anger. It's kind of funny looking back on it now because all that was on my mind at the time was how much trouble it would be on a team full of straight guys making fun of me all the time. Even then, all I could think of was volleyball. Turns out being gay was the least of my problems. I had no life. I couldn't even ask out the person I liked because I was always playing volleyball.

Maybe missing practice because I had detention was a blessing in disguise. I had a lot I needed to think about.