Title: Last Tango
Author: Danielle Anderson
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Pairing: one-sided Havocai, implied Royai, foreshadowing of Roy/Ed
Summary: Pre-Buried Life. Havoc thinks of Riza
Dedication: To my dear beta Claire D'Aubigne, for whom this is a belated Christmas present. I was going to write smut...but it didn't go that way.
Warning: manga spoilers
On good days, Hawkeye looks coolly at Havoc, smile turning even cooler when he takes out his pack of cigarettes and starts smoking one. On bad days, she looks at him icily, her lips pressed together in a stern line and she tugs on Black Hayate's leash and turns away.
It offends him but he doesn't really care anymore about what other people think of him, especially women, because there is nothing left to care about.
It has been three months since he's been stuck to a wheelchair (like he had a choice) and he hated feeling so helpless and dependent on other people for the simplest tasks like moving from one place to another, or going to the bathroom. It's painful for him to watch his comrades walk swiftly, naturally on their own two legs, as though they were sliding on the surface of water, and he feels a mad jealousy course through his veins. Hell, even that Elric kid can walk fine and he's missing a leg! And here he is with two legs of his own and he can no longer use them.
So he smokes away to forget his misery. Why the hell should he care about what other people think of him? He was nice to that homunculus girl and look what she did to him! Sometimes, he imagines that if he could feel anything waist-down then he'd be writhing in agony, and have to drown his misery in a frequent pint of beer.
Maybe it's better that he can't feel anything. But then he sees all these women casting him sympathetic glances and if there's one thing that he can't stand, it's pity.
I didn't ask for this, he clenches his fist in frustration, jaw tightening, eyes afire. And then he finds her looking t him. There's this knowing look in her bright brown eyes, like she understands what he's going through. She probably does, given that she was right there in the place where it happened, but if he remembers correctly, then she was worried mostly for that bastard Mustang.
And then she says something shocking:
"We're here for you, Jean."
Bittersweet, the corner of his mouth twitches. Jean. And sure they're here for him. Breda did give him barbells when he was at the hospital, so optimistic that he would learn to walk again.
Havoc himself has always been easy-going and optimistic but now, he isn't quite sure if there is a bright side. Why did he lose the use of his legs? What did he ever do so wrong? He knows he isn't perfect but he's certain that he's never done anything to deserve something like this.
What is that thing the boss is always talking about? Oh, yeah. Equivalent exchange. What's so equivalent about being defeated thus at the hands of a homunculus? Alchemic laws are all bullshit, base on fairness and justice and all that crap. They amount nothing in the real world. Because what did he gain from becoming an invalid? Whose cause is he fighting for? Of course he'll follow Mustang loyally but this...
And what makes him feel even worse is that the Colonel wants to help him.
For God's sake, why don't you give up on me already? How can you expect to climb to the top when you're so naive?
Fuery talked him after that. He said that Alphonse thought Edward and Mustang were so similar because when it came to protecting those they loved, they didn't care even for themselves. Havoc smiled cynically – those two really deserved each other.
The truth is, he hates Mustang sometimes, hates him for his natural charm and debonair, and maybe if Mustang didn't steal all the girls, he wouldn't have needed a wheelchair. And Hawkeye wouldn't look at me with such pity, he thinks bitterly, tossing back a drink. All women look at him with pity, and they are still drawn away from him (at least that hasn't changed). But she is the only one to look at him not only with pain, but understanding. Understanding that he has gone through this for Mustang, and if the occasion calls for it, she will, too.
He sneers coldly at her, but there is nothing except warmth in her brown eyes. They're such beautiful eyes, he notices, glimmering like precious stones reflecting many shades. She has jewels for eyes, he muses, and thinks that Hawkeye is no proper name for an elegant woman like her. Hmmm...when did he start to think that she is elegant?
But she is. She is a magnificent woman, strong, smart and desirable, someone he would have made a move on if it weren't for her no-nonsense attitude (even Mustang is scared of her most of the times, it seems, and he usually carries a devil-may-care attitude).
Soon, it becomes his turn to watch the First Lieutenant when they are at the office and Mustang is arguing with Edward about something.
They argue too much, Havoc muses wryly as he files documents that the Colonel has approved of.
Hawkeye is at her desk with a leather-bound book open before her (what is she reading?), blond bangs brushing her forehead, cinnamon eyes casting worried glances at the Colonel's door. What is she worried about, anyway? Mustang can take care of himself.
And then Ed yells an obscenity.
They wince.
"They fight like a couple," he comments dryly.
She smiles a little, lighting her face. "I think couples fight a little less," she replies. And then he smiles back. So she does have a sense of humor. That's awesome.
And maybe that's where it starts.
With a simple joke.
He isn't sure when he started seeing Hawkeye as a special woman, or calling her Riza in his mind. Riza is a prettier name than Hawkeye, he decides, but it still isn't enough to encompass her true essence. They are both soldiers but now, he is the wounded soldier, and she is the Lady with the Lamp. And just like the soldiers in the stories, he wants to fall to his knees and kiss her shadows, because it is the closest he'll ever get to her.
What a thing, to fancy Riza!
He is an explorer having found a new world full of riches and beauty, a bounty that he has dreamt of receiving all his life. He is a rich man. Now all he needs is courage.
(Courage to do what?)
(Ask her out?)
(What if she breaks his heart?)
(He won't know unless he tries.)
And so he does. He keeps an open mind that she might blush, and say so – though he hopes with all his heart that she blushes and says yes. But the way she smiles at him this morning when she arrives gives him hope that he might actually have a chance.
At lunchtime, she is having a tuna sandwich at the desk and glancing at the Colonel's door from time to time. Havoc can guess why. The boss is in. Though those two aren't shouting obscenities at each other yet (actually, that's Ed's job; Havoc has to admit that the boy has a lot of courage to call the Flame Alchemist a shithead to his face).
Riza looks slightly anxious, and that is totally understandable.
Havoc finally risks a smile and edges his wheelchair closer to Riza. She is distracted by the sound, looking up at him in mild alarm. He feels self-conscious all of a sudden, like he's expected to give a soliloquy in the spotlight, and he smiles a bit.
She smiles back.
So far, so good.
"There they go again," he rolls his eyes, a gesture encompassing everything that lies between Fullmetal and the Colonel.
She looks at him and smiles wanly, agreeing with him. He frowns inwardly. Why does she look so sad all of a sudden? She looked just fine minutes ago.
The shouting is getting worse, like the chorus in a song, and he doesn't feel any better. But he still puts up a brave front and dares, with the smallest of smiles, "Would you like to go out for a coffee some time, First Lieutenant?"
The words sounded better in his head, come to think of it.
Riza looks shocked and she gapes at him, and if he still had the use of his legs, then he would have been shuffling his feet.
"I – " she stammers, "I don't..."
He is confused at first (I don't) but slowly, the meaning of her words begins to sink in, and his heart is sinking so fast it hurts. "I see," he turns away, fixing his gaze on a line of ants walking up the wall. Fraternization is a crime, and trust Hawkeye to go by the rules.
Just then, the Colonel's door flings open and Fullmetal storms out, taking long strides, fists tightened, scowling.
The tension is thick in the air, so thick that you can stick your hand through it and pull out a rabbit.
Moments later, the Colonel's voice calls softly from inside the office, "First Lieutenant?" His tone is so dear that her face brightens a bit as she gets to her feet.
"Coming, sir," she says.
Havoc thinks he needs a drink.